hopeful.

I really would like to believe in a specific god. I know something created us. We weren't an accidental fluke. There's just no way. Look at a sunset, a baby, the leaves when they change colors, an older person's wrinkles, a human heart. I just can't believe all of that happened by chance. But I don't know how to believe in this father figure of a god when there is no real proof that he exists.

I guess what I'm saying is I wish I had more faith in my faith.

technology.

who'd have ever thought I'd be writing a blog entry from a cell phone? good grief.

unpopular.

Unpopular opinions:
-I can't stand Adele's "Someone Like You." I think "Rolling in the Deep" left a lot to be desired. Basically, I think she's vastly overrated.
-I don't like sweet tea. Get over it. Not all Southerners bleed the stuff.
-I hate the idea of Kindles and Nooks and iBooks.
-I don't see what the huge deal with Dr. Who is. I tried watching it and, obviously, couldn't get into it enough to keep watching past like three episodes.
-I strongly dislike cats. I can handle their cuteness for like five minutes but, after that, I couldn't really care less about them. They're also the only small-ish animal I feel comfortable pushing around.
-I don't get the nostalgic amazement of how great the 90s were. I mean, yeah, the shows/music/clothes were great then, and it was a fun time, but I'm sure that the people of the 80s felt that their decade was better than the 90s, just like the 70s people probably feel that their decade was better than what came after them.

resurface.

I want to start using this blog again. I'm always hesitant to, though, because this is where the "Kathryne-is-a-crazy-chick-with-abandonment-issues-and-can't-stop-posting-that-stuff-on-the-internet" view of me started.

I'm better on my other blog. I've censored myself since starting writing in an actual journal. But there's something about this one that makes me want to avoid censoring, there was a trust I had on here that people wouldn't take what I said out of context or judge me for it. That trust was taken away.

I'm going to try to get it back.

according to this blog

this month in 2009:
i was dealing with a new random roommate and trying to settle the score with a guy that i can't remember who i'm talking about.
i was realizing what a pushover i was.
i was counting down.
i was starting a new chapter with a new guy.
i was blogging therapeutically and contemplating why i was in college.

this month in 2010:
i was contemplating new scripts and discovering that i had no respect for my body - or claim on it for that matter - whatsoever.
i was identifying with a loose girl.
i was dealing with a loss of internet.
i thought about living with alisha after that year.
i was pining over not having a relationship while living with someone who rubbed her's in my face all of the time.
i was dealing with a crazy anonymous bully who almost ended this blog with their taunts.
i ended this blog. (temporarily of course)


according to me:

this month in 2011:
i'm building a better relationship with my parents.
i'm deciding what will be best for me when i graduate.
i'm being a stronger person.
i'm moving on from 2009.
i'm happy.

now, see, the funny thing is

that status i posted ("i give up") on facebook and later commented, "truth is, it's about someone i should've given up on a long time ago."

the funny thing about that comment is that it's a bit misleading. it's actually about three different people (two taylors and an alisha) who were all supposed to be really good friends. and i've been discovering recently that, while i went out of my way to be a really good friend to them, they rarely were a good friend to me (an occurrence that usually only when there was something in it for them).

now here's the funny part: alisha went and "liked" the comment that said "truth is, it's about someone i should've given up on a long time ago." i find it hilarious that she thinks she knows who it's about and is being all like "oh i'll prove how close and good of friends we are by liking this so everyone will know that i know who she's 'mysteriously' alluding to in this vague post hahaha." if only she knew that by liking it, she was agreeing to the fact that she's been given up on because she's not a good friend at all.

there's alway something new.

"Dead is the new unambiguous. Bipolar is the new undecided. Heavily armed is the new born again. Bald is the new head...and the new crotch. Hairy is the new face. Sheepishly admitting to having an STD is the new flirting. Purell is the new face of fear. Finding the time that's right for you is the new impotence. The smiley-face emoticon is the new "sincerely yours." Smoking is the new outdoorsy lifestyle. Looking forward to insanely expensive private schooling, thousand dollar a week nannies and soccer is the new yuppie birth control. Misinformed is the new patriotic. Veganism is the new "tastes like chicken." Serotonin uptake inhibiting is the new crowd control. Texting is the new talking. Talking is the new singing. Singing is the new hubris. Gay marriage is the new "be careful what you wish for." And finally, and only because I really need this to catch on, fifty-seven years old is the new forty-five." -Chuck Lorre Productions, #260

my computer is the new tv.
michelle is the new alisha (before alisha became bryan obsessed).
taylor is the new ally.
ally is also the new ally.
greg is the new "want what i can't have" menu item of the day.
pope & hudgens is the new school.
grad school is the new college.
the gre is the new sat.
tattoos are the new piercings.
piercings are the new jewelry.
hair dye is the new hair ribbon.
rock hill is the new get-a-way spot.
weed is the new alcohol.
alcohol is the new soft drink.
twenty (without alcohol) is the new fifteen (without a driver's license).
birth control is the new vitamin.
sex is the new stress release.
fuck buddy is the new boyfriend.
safe is the new boring.

idk what to do.

i really don't.

i know these aren't real feelings for him. i know it's just my insane hormones and all this extra oxytocin that's been released recently.

but it's making me confused around him. it's making me act noticeably different/stranger/more awkward/crazier around him. it's making me lonelier/sadder when i leave him.

i don't know what to do.

omg uguys!

i think i know what i want to do with my life.
actually, i'm pretty positive i know what i want to do with my life.

do you realize how much of a break through this is for me?! a year ago, i had no idea what made me happy; no idea what i was good at; no idea where i wanted to go once i graduated (something that's coming like a freight train). but now i do. dare i say it? i actually feel like i have a..."calling" now.

what's even better is that i know how i want to proceed with this calling. (i don't know how to pay for it just yet, but we'll cross that bridge when/if - can't jinx myself - i get into this graduate program). and it's looking like i'll be able to start the summer after i graduate from winthrop if i want to stay at winthrop with it (which i do). something that's all the better, i think.

okay. give up yet?
i'll say it.

i want to get my masters of education in counseling and development with a concentration in school counseling. i want to be a high school counselor. i love how excited my mom gets when one of her first graders achieves something they didn't think they could. i want to be able to do that while helping students further their education, find a job, deal with all the stress that comes with being a teenager. high school and i were not exactly bffs and i want to help students like me (and ones not like me) to broaden their horizons, realize high school isn't everything, and that they're capable of so much more than they think they are.

i sort of have my high school counselor to thank for this. he was a pretty cool cat and never made any student feel like he was too busy to help them. he knew us all by name, he struggled and celebrated with us, he helped us push past whatever limit we had set for ourselves just to show us that we could.

for the first time in a really long time, i'm starting to feel passionate about something again.

i want to do this.

this is not good.

i'm pining for a guy in a public setting (site-ing?) again. i can't bring myself to stop. i just really want to be with him.


is that so much to ask?

what am i, twelve?

so i have a class next semester with my ex's ex - the one i've written about on here before.

at least, i think i do. i think that's what she meant by her comment on my note on facebook. it's either that or she just gets really excited over the idea of drawing naked people.. yeah, i'm pretty sure it's the former.

anyway. i'm kind of nervous. no, anxious is the better word.
why, you ask? well, i'll tell you.

i haven't exactly kept it a secret on here that after meeting her, and up until recently, i didn't much care for her. (and i also believe i've over-emphasized that it has nothing. to do. with. our. shared. ex. got it? good.)

i was contemplating the other day (and by the other day, i mean at least a month ago) why i dislike all of the people that i do. because i'm not really one for hate or bringing that sort of bad karma into my life, i decided if there was an outdated or trivial reason i had for disliking someone, i would try to fix it or, at the very least, get over myself and let it go. with her situation, it was more the latter. my reasons for not liking her were petty and are very much irrelevant now (so, unless asked, i'm not going to bore you with something so trivial).

the problem is, i'm pretty positive she knows that i don't [or, at the very least, at one point didn't] like her. so, come august, i'm not entirely sure how to act upon entering the figure drawing room. i mean, i know not to run up, give her a hug and say, "ohmigosh how was your summer?!" like i will with some of the people in my other classes because that's just entirely too fake, even for me. and i also know not to act like that "transitive sex law" thing is in effect (you know, the one where you've slept with everyone your partner has slept with) and bring up something that sounds like some horrible self-induced word vomit.

i have no idea how to act/what to say. and i'm not even the most loquacious person to begin with so what if she thinks i still dislike her and decides to reciprocate the same feelings? and i know it sounds so juvenile and stupid, but i really don't want her to not like me because she does seem like a cool person and i will have to spend every tuesday/thursday from 3:30-6:15 of a semester in the same classroom with her.

ugh. why must i be so awkward?

..

i miss my twin.
i didn't even know him.

effy syndrome.

effy : cookie :: kat : ______
effy : freddie :: kat : ____

(she fucks cookie because he's not the one she wants.
she won't be with freddie because she doesn't want to break his heart.)

dearest palmer ray,

(he's never on here anymore so I feel safe using a real name this time)
(also, I feel safe in the fact that he wouldn't judge me for what I'm about to say if he were to stumble across this)
(he may think I'm crazy(ier) for this but, let's be honest, who doesn't?)

Palmer Ray,

Now that all of the disclaimers are out of the way, in my downtime at work I was rereading your blog* and came to the "holy wow" realization of my school girl crush on you my freshman year at Winthrop. I idolized you before I even really knew you; I placed you on my very own pedestal. And then I got to know you and your "dark side." -By dark side, I don't mean your evil side. I mean your not-so-perfect side, the side you tried to keep hidden from most people.- After seeing that, if it's possible, I liked you even more. In all my delusions, I thought we were going somewhere. I didn't understand what you meant when you said that "now is not a good time for anything to happen." I held on to my delusions and kept thinking that a few months down the road, "now" would be over and things would be okay. But that never happened. I was so angry with you for "leading me on" (18-year-old me's words, not mine today). I had no idea that the boy I put on the pedestal had more shit to deal with than I was led to believe.

Over the summer, with torch for you still lit, I decided to put all of that behind me. And it worked. That fall, I got my first boyfriend (a role I, silly enough, thought you were going to fill) who you didn't like. A couple nights before we ended up breaking up, you told me I could do much, much better. I didn't want to believe you. I always thought that was something people said when they were talking about themselves and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But a couple weeks later, when I was still hurting, you were there for me. It wasn't what I expected but you need to know that, to me, it was beautiful just waking up next to you. I truly meant it when I told you that all I wanted was to fall asleep next to someone and I can't imagine a better person for me at that point in time. I wasn't delusional enough at that point to think that night was going to lead to anything more than what it was. You were a friend who was there for me and I can't thank you enough for that.

After that, I moved back home for the summer and you moved out of Rock Hill for good. As with what usually happens in those cases, I saw you less than I already did. In your absence, I attempted some soul searching and came to the conclusion that there are three guys who have come into my life that I will always hold a torch for and you are one of them. (This is the blog post about that: you're "ray" in my version. Clever, I know). You are and continue to be one of the most amazing people it's ever been my pleasure to meet. I love it when you share your music with me; I love the hugs I get from you when I do see you; and I love hanging out with you when it's possible. I do want to come down and visit you sometime over the summer because seeing you only once a year just isn't going to cut it anymore. You're a great guy and I hope to god you're finding your way to happiness.

All my love,
Kat


*SIDE NOTE: Just to slightly defend my sanity; Blogger is one of the few sites I'm allowed to access on work computers, so I was musing around and realized I still had some things to say. This is all kind of raw and spur of the moment.

AI fans are annoying.

I don't mind American Idol. It doesn't bother me. I do my thing and it does it's thing and we go about not interacting and we're both okay with that.

But, good God. Those American Idol fans.

Every week, my Facebook feed is abuzz with people complaining about how the show is rigged and this season isn't nearly as good and why did they get rid of Paula/Simon and the show is rigged and their favorite person left and the "fan favorite" left and all of this is because the show is rigged. (The general pattern here being that the show is rigged.)

And it gets so much worse when I stumble upon "news" articles about the show with other people's comments on them. I say so much worse because they're usually 20x as angry about it and it looks as though they couldn't pass elementary school grammar. But, I digress.

The thing I need to rant about right now (since I refuse to do so on any message board lest some troll try and declare a flame war against me) is that THE RIGGING OF GAME SHOWS IS ILLEGAL. It has been since the 1950s when a game show was caught rigging the show so the more interesting and better looking contestants won. Because that seemed extremely unfair (to put it lightly) to the public, the people in charge of television decided to make it illegal for anyone to rig a game show. And, yes, by anyone I mean: producers, hosts, contestants, assistants, cameramen, snack boys, whatever.

Being that rigging a game show is illegal, I highly, highly doubt the people in charge of American Idol are stupid enough to try and rig something so big. Because, let's face it, the more people involved in something, the more likely it is that that something is going to get leaked. And then that's a whole lotta trouble for a whole lotta people.

Now. It is NOT illegal for them to manipulate their footage so that it looks like someone is a fan favorite when actual tallies suggest otherwise. That's a ratings-booting technique. And just because someone is your favorite, that doesn't mean that everyone else likes them and will vote for them too.

So, please, can we stop being so ignorant about something so trivial?

I'm tired.

(and repetitive. just to warn you)

I'm tired of constantly feeling jealous of this one person and
I'm tired of the fact that I can't make myself stop being jealous.

I'm tired of being single but also
I'm tired of rejecting guys I'm just flat out not interested in. And
I'm tired of the ones I am interested in rejecting me.

I'm tired of this sickening feeling that I won't cut it this year.
I'm tired of having to be good enough and
I'm tired of the idea of losing precious money for school when I'm not.

I'm tired of school but I know in about a month or so
I'll be tired of summer too.

I'm tired of not having anything to do and
I'm tired of finding new ways to tell people I'm too busy to hang out.

I'm tired of being confusing and
I'm tired of being confused.

back again.

I don't know what to do with this blog. I love it, I just never find my way over here.

Also, I'm worried that the person who gave me all that shit on formspring about this blog didn't forget about it in my hiatus. I'm reluctant as to what to say and feel I need to over explain things and that's not how I should feel on my own blog.

But I'm keeping it.

It's just gonna take baby steps to get back into the habit of it.

cutting ties.

So I finally told Taylor Friday night/Saturday morning that I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I was drunk and it was via text so I don't think he thought I was being serious but I have to stick to it this time. And I feel like I'll be okay sticking with it this time. (Plus, sober me the next day didn't want to text him again and say I made a mistake because I was drunk.)

Anyway, this has been a long time coming and Friday night really sealed the deal (clearly). Here's a few reasons why just so I can clear my head of thinking about all of this shit:

1. We're supposed to be friends. For a while, we were. We were friends first, friends with benefits second. Lately though, it's just about the benefits. We couldn't even watch a Dexter's Lab marathon without him wanting to pause it and fool around. And we can't hang out unless there's the guarantee that we're going to hook up. Long story short, I've become a hook-up/booty call/whatever and I'm tired of it.

2. I've been putting wayyy more into this friendship than he has. I thought of him as one of my best friends, while it seemed he couldn't care less if I was still in his life or not. Well, congratulations buddy. You got your wish.

3. He treats the people who refuse to stay in his life better than those who try to be his friend and stay close to him (which will all be reflected a little better in the following reasons).

(and the few straws that broke the camel's back on Friday)

4. Taylor has known since before we were dating that I don't like his other ex. It has nothing to do with him, since I knew her before I knew him. When we were dating, he would say things like how annoying she was in the relationship and how his friends didn't really like her and even had a full on bashing of her with a friend of mine who also knows her and thought I would want to join in. Friday night she came up and he swooped in defending her, calling her a great girl (among other things which will come up in #5). He said that she had taken him in over the summer when he didn't have a place to live with the connotation that had anyone in the room been living in Rock Hill at that point in time, we would have turned him away. And just the fact that he went through all of this with me standing there (knowing I know full well what he's said about her) makes me wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. It makes me wonder what horrible things he'll say about me to his next girlfriend, while we were supposed to be friends this whole time.

5. While defending his ex he said, "I wish I had never broken up with her." Which sounds a lot like: "I wish I had never broken up with her, therefore never had to have any relationship I've had since her." I'm the only relationship he's had since her. He also, when we were dating, said something to the fact that she was trying to get him back (even though she had a boyfriend at the time) and that she didn't like the fact that we were dating. After hearing him say that on Friday, I can't help but wonder if that was true or if that was him projecting what he was feeling out on her, hoping she felt it too.

6. Clearly, his other ex was, is, and always will be more important to him than I am. So I'm going to step out of his life and let him deal with that. It'll be much easier for him without me in his life muddling those feelings up.