direction.

i really need to stop texting so much. it wasn't my fault this time, though. i wanted to answer the phone, but i was at work and texting is my only means of communication there. so i was forced to have a conversation i would've much rather had in person or over the phone by texting, but that's what had to happen.

by talking to someone else about this, i came to the conclusion last week that, although i've been doing this whole "soul-searching, figuring out who i am thing" this summer, i've been going about it all wrong. i've been spending time with myself, alone, trying to come up with answers that just weren't there because i was alone.

last week at salkehatchie i was surrounded by my friends and people who cared for me literally 24/7. for seven days. it was there that i realized that all my problems stemmed from me being alone. i'm much more of a people person than i thought i was. i've always thought that i was one of those people that could spend hours upon days upon weeks by myself, without taking a break and hanging out with my friends and the people i care about. i've come to realize that this is why in some of my darkest hours i couldn't console or fix myself; because i was going about it alone. i never asked for help. i never called up anyone just to hang out or chat about something, to take my mind off of how lonely i was feeling. i didn't realize that what i was feeling at those times was even loneliness. i just thought there was something wrong with me and i didn't want to bother the people around me with my problems. now i know that my friends and family are there for me, they want to help me in my hours of need. they don't want me to be lonely if they can do anything about it. until now, i had never realized that the people i love are way more important to my sanity than i had ever thought possible and now i know i've been taking them for granted entirely too much. well, never again.

i think i found what i was looking for this summer. i've still got a ways to go on this journey, but i finally know which direction i'm going in.

approval.

note to self: don't die.
haha oh, ryan adams. you crack me up.

i've been pretty textually active lately. a recent conversation:
friend: this girl that ross is hitting on is so hot...sorry, i just had to tell someone. lol.
me: lol. i can see where i'd be the first one you'd want to tell that.
friend: well, i was already in a conversation with you.
me: it's ok. i get told quite frequently that other girls are hot.
friend: do you ever get told YOU are hot and or beautiful?

anyone who knows me knows that i have struggled endlessly with how i look. "i'm too pale. i'm too fat/chunky. my hair is weird. i wish i didn't have so many freckles" all are sentences i've muttered at some point or another in my lifetime, along with many others. when my friend asked me this question, i thought back. and at first, i only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." then i thought a little harder. and i realized i get told i'm beautiful/hot almost as frequently as i get told others are. and i came to this conclusion: i can't take a compliment. anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, i blush a little and quickly change the subject. i don't deny them, but i don't thank them either. i simply brush it off as if it was never said.

which led me to realize something else: all these years, i haven't been seeking others' approval of my looks. if i had, the first old lady to tell me i look beautiful or teenage boy to tell me i look hot would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way i look. instead, i've been trying to secure my own approval. i've been trying to convince myself that i am not an ugly person. i'm my own worst critic, and i've just now begun to realize this.

as conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if i can't even accept the fact that i'm beautiful the way i am?

excitement.

so in the few hours i had before i had to show up for work today, i took a drive around town. it didn't take long at all, but i ended up going past the place where i went to daycare and the park my sister and i used to go to all the time. naturally, feelings of nostalgia overwhelmed me. all i could remember was darting around that playground, the second we got there, from jungle gym to see saw to swings. i acted as though in the next second, the thing i wanted to play on was going to disappear before i could get to it. and the excitement that came over me as i moved from place to place was hard to ignore and still one of the things i remember the most.

i envy the younger me that excitment. she was excited for the park. for the things at the park. to come home from school. to go to school. to read a new book. for those field trips. for computer day. for art day. for middle school to start.

somewhere in all the bustle of growing up, though, i lost that excitment. i mean, right now, salkehatchie is literally less than 12 hours away, something i look forward to every year, and the only excitement i can come up with is when i'm around other people, feeding off of their excitement.

i tried to come up with reasons as to why i rarely ever feel this emotion anymore. i can't help but think it's because i'm so used to disappointment, that it's become easier to just not care anymore. and now, i think that's the saddest thing going on in my life right now. i'm too used to disappointment to feel excitement about anything. i've grown so accustomed to having the thing that i want snatched away from me by someone else; and now, i'm pretty positive i've stopped trying altogether. before today, i thought it was okay to be as laid back as i am. only now have i begun to realize that being "laid back" is just another term for "not caring." and i can't help but wonder: if i don't care about my life, who will?

funky.

i'm in a funk.


good thing the piano got tuned.

roles.

i'm having a "scrubs" kinda day. not in that i feel like my life is an episode of "scrubs," but i just feel like getting about five seasons on DVD and watching them back to back.

i found this book in my closet called "the girl's guide to loving yourself." pervy jokes aside, i got to thinking about this book and the message it sends out; even though it is directed towards middle/high school girls (you know, the adolescent/early teenage years) i feel like there was a reason for me finding it. i wrote in an earlier blog that i was going to have to do a lot of self-discovery work this summer, but i really don't know if i have. i mean, if i have it hasn't made a difference at all.

we talked about this acting coach in my theater class this past semester and his theory was that our life is just one role that we're continuously playing. so, theoretically, you could switch roles if you ever felt the need to. i feel like i don't want to entirely switch roles, but my current role could definitely use a bit of a make-over. personality wise. i mean, it's worth a shot.

ohhhh and i was looking through random blogs and found this:
Welcome to the story of my life...

This is the chapter where the only boys who show interest in me are ones who have girlfriends.

I'm ready for the end of this chapter.
i'm living this chapter. i want it to end as well. i wonder how things worked out for her?

why.

why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that someone may like me?

EDIT: i need to stop falling for guys with girlfriends.

consciousness, pt. 2

i just watched havoc for the first time, and actually enjoyed the movie. no, i don't think i wasted almost 2 hours of my life.

i have a list of movies i wanna see before i go back to school. so i'm having to go to blockbuster and i was thinking earlier whether or not 3 movies for $12 for a week is fair. oh well. we all have to make money somehow.

i also rented the black dahlia and zodiac. i almost rented bride wars also, but i feel like it would've had nothing in common with the other movies.

what good is it being accepted into the national scholars honor society if they won't even give you a freakin scholarship? that's the whole reason i wanted to be in your silly club. now you can't even give back a little? jerks.

my dog's snoring. i didn't know dogs did that. sarah and i had a conversation about how dogs become like your siblings, so when they die it's like losing a brother or sister. which really sucks cause they don't live nearly as long as humans do.

you'd think if someone was labelled as the "zodiac killer" they would have killed their victims in some way that's related to the zodiac. call me crazy, but i find serial killers fascinating. for a while i was really interested in the whole "jack the ripper" case. hm. maybe i should be a detective.

somebody.

ugh. i hate the expression "wake up and be somebody." like, just because i'm in bed, i'm not offically a person yet? i have to get up to even be counted? gee, thanks mom and dad. you're the only people i know who use that phrase anymore.

i realized tonight at work how much small talk is involved in my job (i wait tables at a local restaurant). but i had never noticed the small talk thing until after seeing a video posted on postsecret.com. the video's on youtube and it's a research documentary a girl did on anonymity. she claims that through online sites such as postsecret and project mortified we are looking to become connected with one another, as a human race, with the strangers around us. she points out that throughout most of the day, we interact with strangers; i.e., waiting in line, at the check-out counter, on the bus.

but back to the small talk. whenever greeting someone, whether i know them or not, it's become habitual for me to say "hi, how are you?" and then expect an answer like "fine" or "well." so why did this habit start if i never actually cared about the person's response, since people always responded in the same way? it was tonight i realized people didn't always respond the same way at all. sure, with their words they did, but not with their facial expressions, their posture, their eyes. by looking past what the person is just saying, i got a sense of what they really meant. i think that with small talk, subconsciously, we're letting strangers and the world around us know how we really are, our real story, all by using the mask of politeness; so that maybe, when we really need it most, someone will notice what's behind the mask and try to help a fellow human being.

short.

this is the third time i've come to this website today, with something to say and then fallen short when it came time to type it all out.

i saw "nick and norah's infinite playlist" today and something one of the guys in nick's band said really stuck in my head: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

maybe the reason i remember it so vividly is because it's about the beatles. but i'd like to think it's because it's got a lot of truth behind it. (not the song being their first single, that's not true, but the rest of it is). maybe the reason i've had so much trouble in the love department is because i've been so focused on looking for the biggest part of it: someone to love unconditionally and be with for a good long run. i haven't looked for someone to just hold hands with. i didn't think i would need someone who isn't in it for the long run, but maybe someone who will make my life more enjoyable for just a short while is enough for now.

at the moment, i just want someone to hold hands with.