beautiful.

the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again: it's the most extraordinary thing in the world.

i have two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1967 colt .45 with the busted safety catch.

the world shines as i cross the macon county line going to georgia.

the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you and that you are standing in the doorway and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, i am frozen with joy right where i stand.

the world throws its light underneath your hair, forty miles from atlanta, this is nowhere, going to georgia.

the world shines as i cross the macon county line going to georgia.
-"going to georgia," the mountain goats

this is without a doubt the most beautiful song i've ever heard. this was the first song i heard by one of my now favorite bands. palmer ray, i have you to thank for that. everything about this song has the power to move me, no matter what mood i'm in. especially john darnielle's vocals. holy jeez.

anyway, my intentional point for this was i'm on the mountain goats pandora radio station and this song came on. it's been a while since i listened to it, so i decided to stop what i was doing (stumbling and facebook chatting) and pay attention to the song. when it came to the line:

the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you and that you are standing in the doorway and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, i am frozen with joy right where i stand.

i was stunned. for the first time when i heard this line and pictured it, putting myself in the song (something i do frequently, not just with songs, but with books, poems, movies, etc.) i wasn't the one holding the gun. i was easing it from someone's hand. a particular someone, but i won't say who.

i no longer feel like i'm unwanted in this person's life. and, no, not just because of some random vision i had. but because at the exact moment i had this random vision, i was talking to this person on facebook chat. HE chatted ME. HE opened up to ME. granted, he closed right back up after saying what he did, but the point is he opened up. step: forward.

i like being the easer, not the holder, of the gun.

realization.

i'm ready, both mentally and emotionally, to pursue "physical relationships" with other guys but i am not physically ready. and i don't know what to do about it.

in other words, i'm having the girl equivalent of not being able to get it up for anyone but one person.

*bangs head on table repeatedly*

balls.

complicated.

things are starting to get a little complicated, in my humble opinion, where a certain ex of mine is concerned.

i'm doing good as far as where i should be in the whole "post break-up" scenario and i really like where we are now. the thing is, things are starting to shift and i can't really see where they're shifting to. and i could really use some advice but i have no idea who to go to without being judged horribly or given a completely off-subject answer that i'm not going to follow anyway (trust me, if you knew the situation, you'd know exactly what this answer would be and how it's not really related to the answer i need to hear).

i guess this is just one of those things i'm gonna have to do on my own.

*EDIT 5/29/10*
last night (or, rather, this morning) i realized something that greatly affects this whole situation i'm in and i'm really hesitant as to what it could mean, mainly because if it means what i think it means then there's no way of me fixing it without taking drastic steps that i don't want to take. (drastic steps being possibly ruining a friendship with aforementioned ex by not being able to talk to him because i would have had to cut him out of my life completely).

monetize.

well, followers (all seven of you that i know of, plus the anonymous ones), i've decided to sell out. i added the monetize option to my page which will put ads in my sidebar and under the first post of the page. if you click on an ad, i get paid. simple as that. you don't have to stay on the page or sign up for anything, all you have to do is click (i'm under contract not to, but you guys can click all you want).

so, since i'm gonna have to start paying rent next semester, i could use all the clicks i can get. thanks :)

dreams.

i started watching "glee" as a joke. i love musicals and broadway, but i couldn't for the life of me see myself getting addicted to a show where they sang covers of pop songs. about a month or two before the series was supposed to air, my sister had me listen to their cover of "don't stop believin" and while i thought it was good, i had no intentions of actually watching the show. then, about a week or two after the show started playing, a friend of mine told me to watch it to see this horrible acting they were trying to pass off. i did, had a nice little laugh, and went on with my life.

after the ninth episode, "wheels," i was on youtube and under suggested videos was the scene from that episode where artie sings "dancing with myself." i decided to humour youtube and watch it. i don't know why, but the song seemed to strike a chord with me and i went online and started watching the episodes, getting myself addicted to the show.

this past week, the episode was titled "dream on" and i'll admit i was extra excited to watch it because neil patrick harris was going to be guest starring. but then, just as when i watched the scene from "wheels," this episode struck another chord with me. and it wasn't until i saw this picture tonight that i knew what that chord was:


from: http://fuckyeahgleesecrets.tumblr.com

and as i read it, all i could think was i might as well have submitted that secret. i always tell people the reason that i'm an english major is because i want to be a writer when i grow up. really, i say that because i know i'd be content being a writer. i'd be able to go to work, go on with my day-to-day life, and continue living knowing i was doing something that wasn't killing me inside. which, you know, is good. but safe.

in this episode of "glee," jonathan groff's character says, "a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. the one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away."

i guess the whole point of all of this rambling was that i hope to god that one day i figure out what my dream is. and i hope even more that i'll be able to obtain it once i realize whatever it may be.



life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-søren kierkegaard

truth.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

inconsequential, pt. 2.

the last chapter:
i was just an inconsequential stepping stone between the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with and the next girl, who (with his "newfound knowledge of himself") he will probably feel closer to.

i decided yesterday to begin taking steps to getting over Ex once and for all. you know, emotionally. cause to be quite honest, i'm tired of missing him and moping and what not. let me clarify. not "missing him" as in "missing being with him" but "missing him" as in "i miss all of my friends from school, but especially him for some reason." and i figure once i get over him emotionally, i'll stop missing him so much and be able to stop being miserable. today, i saw something on facebook that made my stomach drop and sent me back TONS of steps in the progress i'd made since this decision of mine (yes, yesterday but i'd still made progress).

his ex (the girl mentioned above as "the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with) and her boyfriend broke up. meaning she's now single. newly single. after being in a relationship with "the love of her life" (don't worry, he referred to her as this too. it was actually quite nauseating). the point is, she's newly single, on the rebound, and she and Ex are in the same city all summer. together.

problem is, i have no idea why my stomach dropped when i found this out. it is obviously one of two reasons:
1) i'm worried that Ex will actually see her as the girl he still wishes he were with and try to win her back. and based on how they started out last time, he'll be persistent. and she's on rebound so it would only make sense for her to give in. they'll get back together. theoretically, i'm still not fully over him (emotionally, as mentioned before) so seeing them together when i return in august (or in june, depending on whether or not i have to take this class) will be the stake through the heart. and seeing all the lovey dovey stuff she puts on facebook would just be nails through my toenails and fingernails. wow i'm a spiteful person.
2) i really really really really don't like her. and this goes back to before Ex and me, so that's not my reason for disliking her, although it does add to it. with her previous bf out of the picture, it's much more likely that they'll actually be friends again (something Ex is trying out with all his exes for some reason). meaning, she'll be around more often and i just really do not want to hear her voice for extended periods of time like i know i would have to because Ex and i are friends already. and lots of Ex's brothers and i are friends. she knows lots of Ex's brothers but hasn't really been in contact with them (that i know of, besides "liking" things on facebook) since hanging out with her last bf. but, as mentioned in option 1, she's now up in rock hill over the summer with all of them while i'm stuck here. that is, unless i get to take this summer class.

postpartum.

HOW have my parents not figured out this is how i function yet? when i come back from school for long periods of time, i have a mourning period. think about it, i've been jerked away from my friends (most of whom i didn't get to say a proper goodbye to because of the crazy exam schedule) and am having to pick up and move everything out of the place i've grown accustom to for nine months to wait it out for another three until i can return. it's almost like postpartum depression. but give me a week, week and a half tops, and i'll be fine again. i'll unpack, i'll get up earlier, i'll make plans, i'll hang out with people (and enjoy it), and i'll do things other than sit on the computer and play video games.

but no. i get accused of not having any goals, ambitions, or any desire to live. i get accused of being addicted to facebook. i get worried about. i get given strange looks because everyone's worried if i'm ok. when i say i am (because i know this is how i operate) i get yelled at for not doing anything. for not cleaning my room. for wasting my life.

i wish people would just get off my back.