postsecret-esque.

i feel like i should write something. because i feel like i have something to say. hm. i feel like doing one of those little confession things like on postsecret.com. so, here goes, i guess.

sometimes i wish i actually was diagnosed with depression, so i'd have a reason as to why i stay in bed all day.

while i'm doing this, i'm looking at the postsecret website for ideas on what to write here.

i've thought about becoming a teacher just to stick with the same general schedule i have now. i hate change that much.

i accidentally hit a van in the parking lot at the movies and when my dad asked me about the damage, i pretended like i didn't see anything and had no idea what he was talking about.

i know i won't be happy unless i pursue a career in either art or acting, but i'm afraid i'll just be one of the many other hopefuls that fail in attempting such a career.

i'm not afraid of death. i'm not even afraid of not knowing what comes after we die. but i am worried that nothing will come after this life.

i just saw the most amazingly beautiful humanitarian story:
Dear Frank,

Tonight I was at Artomatic. On the metro ride home, there was a girl - quite beautiful - with dyed hair and heavy eye makeup but not enough to cover up that something was the matter. She was eying her wrists then looking around. I wish I knew her story. I wish I could help. So on a card I wrote

Dear Friend, Though this is cliche, it has helped me to think the night is darkest just before the dawn.

As she was getting off the metro she dropped a little PRIDE flag and as I picked it up, handed it to her and said, "I think you dropped something." I handed her the card.
and it inspired me. i am going to carry an empty post card with me from now on, just in case i see someone in need of what this girl needed.

stuff like this ^^ reminds me of just how much faith i have in humanity, despite it's flaws.

i do things like this so people will think i'm more creative than i am.

kindred.

i went up to my grandma's house a few days ago, and being the only one there of my generation (for the most part) gave me a LOT of time to think about different things (don't worry, all good this time).

kindred spirit is a term for someone who shares similar thoughts, feelings, someone who is close in temperament and nature to yourself, to whom you have a rare spiritual link that is very special and you can't quite explain.
-wikipedia

isn't it weird how someone you've never met can make such a huge impact on you? i mean, just their presence makes you stop, pay attention to what they're doing, and you begin to wonder what their life's all about. what's their story? is it in any way intertwined with yours? this happened to me while i was at books-a-million. mom and grandmom went over to stein-mart after we had all gotten books, and i decided to stay behind and start reading mine. so i got a coffee and went to sit outside in their sitting area. about a minute after i went outside, the guy working at the coffee station and another guy who had just gotten to work (i overheard that part) came out for a smoke break. it was the guy who had just come in that caught my attention. he was dressed in plaid and jeans, with tattoos going up his arms. he looked like the type to have his septum pierced (or anything on his face pierced for that matter), but he didn't. another girl came out to smoke with them and while the coffee guy and the girl chatted on to no end, the guy in plaid just kind of sat there, alone in his own world (it seemed) much as i had been all day. i was taken aback by how much i felt for this guy. never having met him, i still felt i knew him on some level. maybe this was what that girl at the ray-ban store meant by sensing a kindred spirit in me. maybe i was sensing a kindred spirit in him.

i also felt the need to prove to this guy that i was not the preppy high schooler i know i looked like at the moment. so i lit a cigarette, made sure the cover of my book (ernest hemingway's short stories) was visible at all times, and tried to send out the same vibe i was getting from him.



we ate lunch in this restaurant that's kind of in a gated community, but kind of not. they're building all these new houses on the river that no one can really afford in this sort of economy. but they now have almost all of them built and a few stores up in there. it made me feel like i was in an episode of desperate housewives.

boy-crazy.

i have a serious "want what i can't have" problem. when are they gonna start making medication for this?

holly: you mean you're rude?
daniel: yeah, but now it's a disease i can take medication for.
holly: they have pills for rudeness?
daniel: i know...and they can't figure out the middle east. go figure.
-p.s. i love you

i never figured i'd end up being one of those boy-crazy girls. and most of the time, i don't believe myself to be one. but then it kinda all hits me at once. bleh. currently, i've got four problems: a, b, c, and d. b's been phased out entirely. a is almost there. but, damn c and d.

problem a: no, bff, he's not a douchebag. i just didn't handle that nearly as i should have. for that, problem a, i apologize. you're an amazing friend. i really do love you for that.
problem b: you're probably the one guy i ever regret fooling around with. yes, that includes the one who continues to pretend i don't exist. i mean, really? how was i that stupid to believe a word you said?
problem c: ha. it seems the only problem you and i have is your girlfriend. don't act like you didn't feel a connection between us. i guess i'll just take the role of friend. for now.
problem d: why? why? WHY? every single time i talk to you, you make a point of saying you're with your girlfriend. yes, i know you're in a relationship. yes, i know you're very happy. i just wish i would've told you how i felt before your relationship happened.

humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them.
-dumbledore

playlist.

summer 2009:
here comes the sun -the beatles
snakes on a plane -cobra starship
hey oh tonight -norwegian recycling
sleepyhead -passion pit
along for the ride -matraca berg
blood, pt 2 -buck 65 remix
already gone -sugarland
sooner or later -michael tolcher
i'm beginning to see the light -kelly rowland
the coast -sequoyah prep school
loose lips -kimya dawson
december 1963 (oh what a night) -frankie valli & the four seasons
salvation -the cranberries
new shoes -paolo nutini
when -shania twain
don't push love away -the juliana theory
lights off -the dears
tremble for my beloved -collective soul
a forrest -lunar click
life is a highway -rascal flatts
saturday nite -blitzen trapper
the freshmen -the verve pipe
everytime we touch -cascada
like a child -all get out
what will you do when your suntan starts to fade -beulah

poetry.

called her last night
and i read her a line from my favorite book of poetry
and i, i started to cry
she asked me what was wrong
don't worry, it's not you, it's me
i never knew
half the stories told to me
stories like the sun is blue
and i, i never knew
half the time i spent with her
i wish to god i spent it all with you

she called me last night
she read me a line from her favorite book of poetry
and i, she started to cry
i said what's wrong with you
she said don't worry, it's not you, it's me
well it's plain to see
every time you look at me
you wish to god it was her with you
well i never knew
all the time you look at me
i wish to god i gave her away from you
see my baby now
all the poetry is written about you somehow
and every time i read the little line of poetry
i just think about just you and me

she called me last night
and we talked for what seemed like the very first time
and we, we began to see
life is too short to run away
from everything, she reads
i don't know what you've done to me
i don't care anymore, can't you see
i just want love, just want love
it's not hard, just let me know
because every time i read a line from the book
i realize the poetry, that poetry was written about you and me
all this poetry is written about just you and me.
-o.a.r.

consciousness.

i love stream of consciousness stuff. random, i know, but i really have nothing else to do right now.

i keep getting these terrible headaches. they're not migranes, but they sure are killer. maybe i should go to the doctor. eh, it's probably just lack of sleep.

i don't know why i haven't listened to more christine fellows before. she really is an amazing artist.

i get to wake up at 7AM tomorrow. i can't remember the last time i was up that early. but, i do get to go face paint at the school my mom teaches at's field day. those little kids really are adorable. it gives me an inferiorty complex sometimes though, cause a lot of the 5th graders are taller than me. hah.

i love it when guys are your friends, but they don't try to get in contact with you until late hours of the night. i mean, does he really think i'm oblivious enough not to see right through him to what he really wants out of me? i'd really like to believe that guys and girls can just be friends, but lately i've been thinking that's not the case at all. well, speak of the devil. sorry __insert name here__, but we're never going down that road.