I hate it here.

I don't like being back home.

All I do is sit around the house all day, on the computer or watching tv while my mom, dad, and sister are at work. THEN when they do get home, my sister goes out with her friends and I'm left to watch more tv with my mom and dad. And when they go to bed at like 10, I just sit on the computer all night. Every day, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing and that all my time has just been a complete waste.

And all throughout the day, I've barely said 3 complete sentences. Why? Because I have no. one. to. talk. to.

None of my friends ever want to hang out, nor do they have the time to apparently and I'm always too lethargic to drive anywhere to see someone from school.

And my parents wonder why I don't want to come back home next summer.

I hate it here.

getting prepared for 2011.

Winter break resolutions -

(or, resolutions that should be started as soon as possible and will probably be finished by the time I return to school)

- This break is all about debriefing and relaxing. I need to get my head back on straight and find out who it is I really want to be from now on.
- Hang out with my friends from back home as much as possible (starting tomorrow). Face it, we're all pretty flaky with plans, but I'm determined. Especially since I won't be here for our traditional New Year's at Ally's. :/
- Help out around the house more. Being lazy and unproductive these past couple days has led to nothing but bad things for me on a mental and physical level. Forreal. I was almost excited when Dad asked me to rake the yard just so I'd have something to do.
- Start building a better relationship with my parents.
- Try to build a new style around the new look I'll be sporting after next Thursday and finally sell some of the old clothes and things I've been holding on to that don't fit whatever new style I go with. This Kat re-modeling thing isn't just going to be "on the inside" changes. I feel like it'll be easier to become who I want to be if I'm not holding on to all of my old things.
- Watch as many things I have in my Netflix instant queue as I can before I return to the internet-less apartment.
- Reread the Gossip Girl series. It's the one thing I consider to be a guilty pleasure and I've been watching the show a lot recently, so much so that I've forgotten the original story and what got me hooked on it in the first place.
- To sum up: BE PROACTIVE.


School resolutions -

(or, what I'm going to have to do next semester and for the remainder of my college career)

- Don't skimp through my homework. Legitimately take time out to do it and to study. I need to stop relying on luck to get me through these classes. Also, I need a more stable GPA and study habits.
- Finish the two stories I started in fiction writing this semester. I half-assed my way through that class when it could have, could have genuinely helped me. And I need to finish what I started.
- Put more effort into my art projects. I don't think I've been taking it as seriously because it's only my minor, but I shouldn't view it that way. Plus, if I can do as well as I did in my drawing class this past semester by just putting in the minimum amount of work on all my pieces, imagine what I could do if I worked over time.


Relationship resolutions -

- Find another boyfriend. I'm tired of being single.
- Ditch the guys who look like they'll be an "almost" as soon as possible. I'm sick of almost-boyfriends. That's all I've ever had (with one exception, I suppose) and they're nothing more than a nuisance.



New Year's resolutions -

(or, resolutions that will result in a more gradual change and should stick with me through 2011 and longer)

- Get back in shape. Take advantage of the West Center. Do yoga every day. Get those endorphins kicking.
- Just like what George did in that one episode of Seinfeld, everything that would be my basic, safe instinct to normally do, I'll do the opposite of and see how that works out for me. Chances are I'll experience new things, be more spontaneous, be more outgoing, start to develop some of the qualities I see in the people around me that I admire that I was always too hesitant to pursue.
- Stop allowing people to walk all over me and take advantage of me. I used to see it as just being laid back and I'll still hold on to that to some degree. But there's a line between being indifferent about something and passing up doing something I want because it might not be what everyone else wants. It's time to grow some balls and see that not everyone is going to pleased by my decisions all the time, but that I need to make sure that I am happy with my choices.
- Similar to the previous one, stop giving so many people so many second chances. At one point or another, enough is enough. I've let too many of those moments just go on by and continued handing out chances.
- Quit relying on others to make myself happy and quit trying to make others happy in order to make myself happy. Focus on making myself happy, be a little more selfish in that respect.
- Not let things upset me that shouldn't, especially things regarding other people. Everyone I meet is not going to go out of their way to make me happy. It's up to me to do that.
- To sum up: BE HAPPY.


New mantra -

(or, looking at the Diesel ads on my wall and taking inspiration from them to go about my day)

- Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart.
- Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.
- Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls.
- Smart may have the answers, but stupid has all the interesting questions.
- Smart says no, stupid says yes.
- Smart critiques, stupid creates.
- Smart sees what there is, stupid sees what could be there.
- Smart had one good idea and that was stupid.
- To sum up: BE STUPID.

realizations.

i don't like myself. i don't like who i am. i'm not really sure who i used to be and i have no idea who i do want to become. so i guess this new year is going to be all about finding out who the "new me" will be.

the only problem with "new" people, though, is that they're still the old person. and eventually, the old person's going to take back over. because, honestly, old habits die hard. and i've tried "reinventing" myself before, but look at where that's gotten me. but i suppose if i don't like who i am and i never change that, i'll never really be happy. and isn't that the point of it all?




side note.
i didn't stop with taylor. (taylor being ****** in the last post. clever, i know). of course i didn't. i'll never be the one to initiate the end of whatever this is. unless the new me i'm going to try to be is someone who does disrupt the status quo.

but on the way home, i made another realization concerning this. taylor has really become one of my best friends. i don't know how it happened. i don't know if it should have happened. i don't know if i sound odd and clingy making that statement. (god i hope not). regardless, he has. and i just know it's only a matter of time before another girl comes along and he starts dating someone new. and i know she won't want me hanging around. what new girlfriend wants the ex there?

so i guess the reason i'm not disrupting anything is because i know things aren't going to be like this forever. probably not even for much longer. but i don't want to be the one to mess them up when i've become so attached (as a friend). i'd rather it come to an end naturally. unfortunately, in all my internal back and forth-ness on the subject, he's noticed something different.

maybe new kathryne will be more like old kathryne in this particular scenario once she gets her head on straight.

****** ****

****** doesn't want me anymore.
**** wants/wanted me but won't follow through with it.

i don't want to be with ****** anymore, but i do want to be with ****. so i think i need to break off whatever this friends+benefits thing is with ****** because i don't think i can keep doing it now that i've finally admitted to myself i still want to be with ****.

of course we all know i won't. i've said i was gonna cut this out too many times and not to be trustworthy in this statement.

but i have to this time.

i'll take a leaf out of casey cartwright's (from greek) book and just be by myself for a while.

new consciousness series, pt. 2

my life is going to hell. and i have no idea how to stop it. i guess this is just karmic justice for me taking joy in the fact that your life took a turn for the worse when you decided to cut me out of your life.

i've decided that what i really want to be and what i've always wanted to be (but wouldn't admit it to myself) is a photographer. but it's too late in my undergrad career for me to think of changing majors. that would just be silly. so i think after i graduate i'll go on to study photography. i just have no idea where.

i really need to figure my life out.

new consciousness series, pt. 1

I'm not really sure why, but when couples excessively call each other "baby" it annoys the ever living crap out of me. Probably because I've grown up calling small animals and babies "baby." I don't know. It weirds me out. I don't think I'd ever want to regularly refer to my boyfriend as an infant and I can't really see why a lot of people do. Also, when I read it (via facebook or some other site) I just hear that person talking in a baby voice. Not really a sexy one, that voice. Saying it every now and then, it doesn't really bother me. But when "baby" has become your significant other's new name (as is the case with my roommate, it seems), it's just gotten to be too much.

I'm having a really hard time figuring out what it is I want for Christmas this year. Well, I know what I really want/need. What I need is for whatever price people are paying on a present, just give me that in money. I'm really starting to worry about having to pay the rest of the payments for my Invisalign. I wasn't counting on having to pay so much for groceries and gas this semester (or over-drafting...twice, I believe) and I think I may have accidentally dipped too much into the part of my savings that's reserved for those. It's gonna be fun explaining that to my dad. Ugh.

Speaking of my dad, he just randomly turned to me the other day and said, "So, Kathryne. You still think you'll never have children?" When my mom and I immediately came back with how that's not regular chit chat he goes, "Well I don't know how to talk to her!" So you immediately go to my child-rearing years? I'm 20 for Christ's sake. No, I still don't want to have kids but I'm not going to explain to him my reasoning for that.

Wow. That took a turn for the deep end. I'm gonna go now before I cut too much into my shower time.

i am cannibal.

read between the lines.

i'm starting to feel like the bad, less light and poppy side of this song (and no, i don't mean i want to literally eat boys).

but i feel like every guy i try to get close to, i'm damaging in some way. it's because i put myself into bad or awkward situations and i feel like i really only hurt the other person in that situation. and it's not fair to anyone.

relationship impaired.

i feel like everyone else has this whole "personal relationships" thing down but me. am i missing something here? was there a pamphlet passed out in elementary school one day when i was sick? was there a psa i happened to miss that explained how to handle relationships in socially acceptable ways?

with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.

with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.

with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).

i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?

deja vu.

why does this keep happening to me?

step one: become friends with a boy.
step two: hang out with said boy one-on-one.
step three: boy expresses interest in being more than friends.
step four: boy specifically states that he likes me and would like to do something about it (i.e. pursue a relationship)
step five: reciprocate feelings and become attached, waiting for something to happen
step six: upon confronting boy about when something will happen, learn that he has lost interest in making things happen/something has come up and it can't happen
step seven: come off looking clingy and desperate trying to figure out why the boy even decided to express feelings in the first place

again, i ask: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

handle with care.

ex:

(and in a literal way)

new interest:




now who saw that one coming?

the new beginning.

okay, I can't do it. I love this blog too much.

in my poetry class today, we were discussing how someone's poem could be interpreted and our professor said she interpreted part of it as having lost someone (as in, they had died). she went on to say that she probably interpreted it that way because she was much older than us and had experienced more loss and that she really wished we hadn't experienced the same amount of loss as she has because we're too young to have experienced such a thing.

at this point, I had a mini revelation about myself, about my abandonment issues. i HAVE experienced a lot of loss. too much for someone my age, in my opinion. i've lost a teacher, friends, a teammate, family members, pets. more often than not, these people were gone wayyy before their time should have come.

maybe i have a problem with people choosing to walk out of my life because I've lost so many who didn't have a choice. maybe the reason i come off clingy is because i'm trying to keep as many people i care about around, scared to lose more people i love.

the end.

Since this page seems to be ruffling a lot of feathers lately, I'm going to set the record straight once and for all what I really mean when I type out a lot of this stuff.

December 2008: The Blog was Formed.

It wasn't meant to be extremely personal in those days. Sure, they were my thoughts I wouldn't normally voice in every day conversation, but not anything that I would want to keep from others. Look back, you'll realize a difference then and now.

That's why I had the link up on my Facebook page. Because despite what anyone may say, everyone wants to be heard and think that their opinion matters. That's just human nature. Sue me for being human.

Sometime in Fall 2009: The Blog Deepens

When I realized that my blog was becoming more of an online diary, I took the link off of Facebook. I didn't publicly follow people I knew anymore. I took slightly more precautions to limiting what I was saying, but ultimately I was saying what I wanted, what I felt, and put very little censoring on it. This is because I didn't think many people read my blog in the first place. I had like 5 followers who were rarely ever on their own blogs, why would they take the time to read mine? And I assumed those who just clicked on the link from my Facebook had forgotten all about it.

Again, despite what people say, everyone wants to be heard. But I was left to assume that unless I was out there shoving it down people's throats, they wouldn't care enough to search out my blog or save it in their browser or anything like that. I figured it would fade from everyone's minds but my own.

Early 2010: The Blog Gets Controversial

At this point I figured that everyone (with the exception of a select few people who had asked me about something I had written) had long since forgotten about this thing. This blog is my diary at this point in time. I kept this up as a diary mainly because I'm not really a "write it out" kind of person. If I left myself to just pen and paper, I wouldn't write out everything I was feeling because I would get tired at some point. Call me a product of the 21st century, but my hands are more cut out for long distance typing than writing.

Ever since I can remember, writing in diaries has never been entirely accurate for me. I don't write what I'm really feeling, I just write when I'm extremely emotional, to get out all the irrational thoughts and feelings so that I don't have to think about them for a while. When I come back and re-read what I wrote, I can more sanely piece together what I wanted to say/feel/think. It's a way for me to focus on more important things because the thing that I am irrationally emotional about at the moment isn't a top priority.

Summer/Fall of 2010: The Formspring Attacks

And then it happened. A giant wake up call that people had not long since forgotten about my blog. All of a sudden, questions came flooding in about why I was putting so much of my life on the internet and why I was so crazy and emotional over one person in particular (my ex).

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told him when he confronted me about this whole ordeal. I've had really strong feelings for three guys in my life. One took up most of my high school days, one for a good majority of my freshman year of college (and the summer after), and one my sophomore year of college. Because my feelings for these guys were stronger than a typical crush, they've never fully gone away, just been transferred to the next guy I developed strong feelings for. In other words, I was never able to get almost all the way over the high school guy until I met the freshman guy and I was never able to get almost all the way over him until the sophomore guy. (I say almost all the way over because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have some remnants of my initially strong feelings for them, but not in a way that's going to interfere with any new relationships I may form.)

Because I haven't met a guy that I feel I could develop strong feelings for, everything emotional/relationship/feelings related that could be about a boy comes out sounding like I'm talking about the last guy that I had feelings for (in this case, the sophomore guy). In actuality, I'm just talking about having a guy in general. Most of the more recent blogs have been written under extreme emotional conditions where I've felt so alone that I'd do almost anything to have anyone, and naturally those feelings reverted back to the last guy who reciprocated my feelings. And remember, everything's going to come out extremely emotional and pining sounding because I'm trying to focus on something else. Later on, I'll come back and read them and realize how stupid it is for me to feel that and I'll be able to get my head back on straight.

It's all a coping mechanism that people don't really understand because I've never taken the time to explain it to anyone.

I really hope that this cleared things up for everyone. When starting this, I had no idea the grief it would cause others and ultimately cause me.

I've started a PRIVATE blog (one that you need a password to access), so I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone (solving my typing vs. writing problem AND the privacy problem). In other words, this is the last post that I'm going to put on this blog. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any problems I may have caused.

Peace,
Kathryne

safety.

"The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought but I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot. I guess not."

I'm finding a safer place to blog.

blogging.

birthday countdown: one week

So, I'm not sure which of my blogs the hater on formspring reads (this one or my tumblr), but I hope they got the point that I'm not going to stop blogging just because they think I'm airing out my dirty laundry for the internet to see/sad and pathetic.

I believe I had the url of this one on my facebook for maybe the first month I had it (which if you go back and look at the archive was in December 2008). My tumblr only went through to my facebook until I realized how to keep the websites from being connected (we'll say a week at the beginning of April 2010).

My blogs are fairly private. This one didn't start off with that intention, but as it got to be much more personal I stopped linking it, I stopped talking about it, and I stopped following other people on here so they wouldn't know about it. I'm not going to go out of my way to make them exclusively private (where you have to have a password to get on them, although I do have a tumblr that is password protected) like this person probably thinks I should do. They're my blogs, they're not being forced down the throats of people I know on facebook (my IRL friends), and they're very therapeutic for me.

I've never been able to keep a journal religiously, that just doesn't work for me. I'm more likely to regularly get my feelings out through an online journal, which is what both of my blogs have become. They're not a portfolio of my writing up for critique. They're usually written when I'm in very emotional states, so the syntax/diction/whatever usually isn't the main focus, which is why some may come off as "poorly written."

I haven't written anything on here that I wouldn't say to someone if they asked me about it. People just generally don't ask. A free blog seemed like a better alternative to an expensive therapist. Sometimes I just need to have someone hear what I have to say, even if that someone is a search engine (or me, a few months later when I go back and read them sometimes).

I'm not trying to explain myself to that person on formspring because I don't feel like I owe them an explanation. I just needed to vent and organize my thoughts around why it is that I blog, exactly why I made this in the first place. If I didn't have a place like this to sort out my feelings and opinions on such things, my mind would be so much more floopy (a Phoebe word) and out of sorts than it already is. By having this, I can get things that are going on in my life like this out of my head and focus on more important and time consuming things.

alone.

I think had I not been in (and out of) a relationship before living with Alisha, I would be able to enjoy having Bryan over a little more. I was thinking about this as I was falling asleep last night.

For 19 years I was okay with my friends being all lovey-dovey with their significant others because you can't miss what you never had, right?

Well, I had someone. And I tried not to mess up so that I could keep that someone. After a while, though I guess there's only so much one person can do before the other wants out of the relationship. So after 3 and a half months, I lost what I was trying so hard to hold on to because I thought it could've turned into something so much better than what it ended up being (not that what I had wasn't great, I just don't think it was given the chance to be something even greater).

Now, I have to watch two other people who did hang on long enough that it got to be that special thing. And they enjoy what they have with each other so much that it comes out in their behavior and is nauseating to me, who had that in her grasp and lost it before it could turn into something like that.

I guess I'll wait another 19 years for someone to come along and try harder next time.

consciousness, pt. 16

birthday countdown: 12 days.

I think I only named this one "consciousness" because I have nothing unifying that I really want to say, just some random thoughts running through my head. For instance:

I'm going to ask for an internet hook up for my birthday. I don't really know how much longer I'm not going to be able to get it at the apartment (if I ever will be able to again) and I don't really like having to drive to the library every time I need to look something up online (but really just check my Facebook). What an un-fun birthday present. Whatever happened to getting toys for your birthday? Now I'm asking for things that are actually useful, instead of something frivolous that owning it would only be justified by saying that I got it as a present. And on that note, I don't think I want to go skydiving for my birthday. That was just a random, fleeting idea and while it would be fun to say that I have been skydiving, I think I'll make that my 21st birthday present. It seems more monumental that way.

I made the event for my birthday party on Facebook today. The guest list consisted of 37 people. And that doesn't even count the ones I know that don't have a Facebook and the ones Alisha knows that she wanted to invite. So...40+ people in an apartment? I may have to take Taylor up on his offer to let me use his house. Thankfully, the party's not for another 12 days and I can figure out closer to time how many people need to be accommodated for. But the only problem with having it at Taylor's house is I know random people (ahem, freshmen) will show up because that's where they go every Friday night. I suppose I could have Nick and Jarrid do security for me. But I don't really like the idea of my party being big enough to have to have security. I mean, hell, I'm only turning 20. The big, BIG birthday isn't until next year. I'm hoping then Alisha and I won't be in an apartment anymore at that point, though.

Oh, yeah, on that note.

Alisha and I haven't really talked about living situations next year yet, but we did for a little bit when we were deciding on taking on a third roommate this year. I don't think either one of us wants to stay in an apartment for an extremely extended period of time (2+ years) and all the girls we considered asking to move in with us were only going to be sophomores (unable to live off campus, by Winthrop regulations). So we said that we might end up getting a house after this school year if they would be willing to room with us. Which I hope is the case. I like the apartment, I really do. But I also love the idea of having (renting) a house here. A house you're allowed to make so much more personal (paint, hanging things, slight damages, etc.). Plus we'd have a yard. And if we had a dog (like we both want) that would be so much better for it. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring this up at the beginning of next semester. Our lease runs out in May, but we should be able to do a month by month lease if we don't move into a house until August. Or, who knows? Maybe we'll have a house for the summer. I really hope so.

consciousness, pt. 15

2 weeks until my birthday.

Well, my car's working again but the internet is still down at the apartment. I should've known free internet wouldn't last forever. So here I sit, in the library. At 5:45 on a Friday afternoon killing time. Killing time until what? Until I have to go to Walgreens to get fingernail polish remover. And see if they have CD cases. And to just get cash back when I go to the counter.

Ugh. I'm so freaking tired. I need to wake up before tonight. Because of the way the sun is right now, it comes in my window right at 7:30, bright enough to wake me so that I can't get back to sleep, which means I've been going to sleep at like 11pm because I'm getting up so early. Last night, I went to bed at 1:21AM after going to a concert and this morning woke up at 6:06, feeling like I'd only slept for an hour. Then, at 8:30 I woke up again thinking it was at least 11. My perception of time is very skewed in that room.

Dell desktop keyboards are quite hard to type on. I keep making typos and that little red line under the word that Mozilla puts is really getting on my nerves right now. This is why I use Chrome, but does my laptop work with the internet? Nope. Well, it does, just not at the apartment. And I can't even use my Ethernet cable there because we don't have a phone line. This blows.

I've had enough of this post. I'm going to Walgreens.

loose.

2 weeks, 3 days until my birthday. (I get the feeling every September blog I write will have a countdown until my birthday. Oh well. I'm okay with this.)

I just got done reading the book Loose Girl by Kerry Cohen. The tag line on the back of the book is: "For everyone who was that girl. For everyone who knew that girl. For everyone who wondered who that girl was." Now, I'll be entirely honest, that and the title were the only parts of the cover I read before purchasing it. I didn't realize until I got back home and started reading it that it was going to be a memoir. I wasn't really too excited about that since memoirs aren't exactly my first choice of a "reading for fun" book, but since I had already paid the $13 for the book, I decided to keep with it.

And, thank God I did.

The description on the back of the book goes like this:
Loose Girl is Kerry Cohen's captivating memoir about her descent into promiscuity and how she gradually found her way toward real intimacy. The story of addiction - not just to sex, but to male attention - Loose Girl is also the story of a young girl who came to believe that boys and men could give her life meaning. Never less than riveting, Loose Girl re-creates what it feels like to be in that desperate moment when a girl tries to control a boy by handing over her body, when the touch of that boy seems to offer proof of something but ultimately delivers little more than emptiness. The unforgettable story of one young woman who desperately wanted to matter, Loose Girl will speak to countless others with its compassion, understanding, and love.

I don't want to say that I'm promiscuous, and I certainly haven't had 40+ guys as the author remembers having. I did, however, relate very strongly with the "loose girl" mindset. It's not even about sex, really. It's about attention. More specifically, male attention. Even more specifically, male attention in an intimate way.

I didn't grow up having sex with the majority of the boys I met, like the author did. I grew up having friendships with those boys. When I hung out with them and their girlfriends, I'd see the intimacy, the closeness they had. I crave that. Strongly. I've had that. Once. Boy, do I want it again.

But, true to what the back of the book says, this book isn't just a list of her conquests. It's a book about growth. Now that I've finished it and seen her story come to a close with little struggle and marriage, it makes me realize just how long this journey of mine is going to be.

It's true, well known, and overstated that before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. The problem is, I don't know how to do that just yet. I like myself. I like who I'm becoming. I'm much more comfortable with who I am than I used to be. My self-esteem continues to climb. But just when I think I'm at a point where I can truly love myself, something comes along and knocks me back. I get lost or bothered easily, especially when it comes to my views on who I am. This is the biggest piece of evidence I have that I don't love myself just yet. This is extremely troubling for me because if I can't learn to love myself, who can learn to love me? And, moreover, who can I learn to love back?

tmi.

*Warning* This one may get a little too far into the TMI zone, but this is my blog. So there. :P

Exactly 3 weeks until my birthday. (That wasn't the TMI part).

So, I'm considering (the next time I have a gyno appointment) asking for the pill that only gives you four periods a year. Because recently, I've just stopped skipping that week my current birth control allows for me to have my period because I'd really rather not deal with it. This means I start the next pack a week early, so now I'll have to make an appointment with the gynecologist, like, a month before necessary so I can get a new prescription.

Which, it's not like I'm dreading going earlier than necessary because to be quite honest, I didn't find my last visit (my first one ever) to be that uncomfortable at all, even though it was with a male doctor. I expected to be nervous/uncomfortable. That's what everyone says it's like. I suppose they said this due to the fact that you have someone you don't know all that well feeling around your private parts.

Maybe I wasn't uncomfortable because anytime anyone goes near those areas on me, I automatically mentally detach myself, without ever thinking about it later on. I'm not sure why this is, but it's always been the case. And that's probably why my virginity was never that sacred to me, as I know it is for others. I just handed mine along to the first guy willing to change the fact that I was a virgin, and I honestly don't regret it at all. I've really always seen sex as just another physical activity, like running or swimming, that happens to include another person.

Who knows? Maybe my whole perspective on this is totally skewed. Maybe there is something wrong with my way of thinking and I should've held on a little longer to my virginity, waiting for a guy I'd known for more than a day, one who would be willing to actually love me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my views on sex. Maybe I just didn't get enough attention as a child/adolescent/young adult and this is my way of making up for it. I certainly don't have the answer for this.

Because as far as I've come in my whole "self-discovery" thing this year, I still have a really loooong way to go.

consciousness, pt. 14

How is it that when I get nearly eleven hours of sleep, I'm more tired then when I got (let's say) seven? I mean, I literally feel like doing nothing right now. I feel like taking a mental health day but I have no idea what I would do with myself. Maybe I just won't go to my last class. I have to go to Spanish. Still without the book, I'd be completely lost if I didn't go to class too. And there's a VERY slight chance that I won't be able to make it to my English class on Thursday so I should probably go today too. But I really don't want to go to Spanish without my homework and since the professor has yet to e-mail me back with it, I don't know if I'll have it ready or not. I at least want the sheets printed out, but I don't even have that. Ugh. I do not like this week.

Another downer that has been occurring this week (well, more this weekend, but the majority of the week so far as well) is that I keep getting turned down by a certain someone for certain physical activities.

-Pause while I go put clothes on cause I just got out of the shower and feel extra pervy for writing this in only a towel wrap.-

OK, anyway. Friday night: "You can't stay, I'm too tired." Saturday night: "Man, I'm about to pass out. You should probably go home." Monday night: "Not tonight sorry." So, as I've tried this before I'm not entirely sure how it's going to work out, but I'm going to try again to just be aloof and not text him or ask to hang out. Buhh. I hate when it comes to this.

So, living with my roommate isn't so bad. I just can't stand it when her boyfriend is over (which is most of the time). It always works out in either one of two scenarios.

Scenario One:
Her: (in the highest, squeakiest voice you can imagine) BABYYYYYYY! Baby, I love you!
Him: okay.
Her: (still in squeaky voice) You don't love me?!
Him: I love you too.
Her: Awwww *kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss* (and these are done rapid, noisy successions which makes it extra annoying cause I have to keep hearing the fact that I can't do that with anyone anymore. Not that I did in the first place, but you get the idea).

Scenario Two: (based on an actual conversation but can be related to anything they talk about)
Her: Bryan, I thought you were going to fix bacon with breakfast!
Him: I said I would when the coffee was done.
Her: So you're just gonna lay there all day doing nothing?
Him: This is my one day to do absolutely nothing [meaning, no class or work] so yeah. I'm going to take a break.
Her: Well I wish I had a day to do absolutely nothing. I'm always either working or in class.
[continuous bickering until the bacon is made]
Her: Bryan! You didn't fix me any bacon?
Him: You said you don't like bacon.
Her: I said I like it sometimes.
Him: Well I didn't know you liked it today.
Her: Why do you think I made you bring it from your apartment?
Him: For me? I paid for it.
Her: Well I pay for pretty much everything else! And you still owe me $___. (and this part is a continuous argument for her. it seems, as Mark says, everything has a price tag and she remembers it, along with how many hours she works and how much she gets paid).

I really do love them both, but together they really get on my last nerve. No wonder his roommate had to start smoking all the time. I mean, I've already taken to smoking more this semester than last semester and this summer combined.

But I digress. Two good things this week has going for it are Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I'll have to go home for an orthodontist appointment Thursday morning, which means I'll get to do my laundry there and save many of my earned quarters for next time I need to do laundry. Plus, I'll be getting a hefty check from my mom paying me back for my rent and the school supplies I bought. Thursday night, Sequoyah Prep School is playing at a local bar and I'm so excited to see them again.

And now I have nothing more to say. I'm going to go check and see if my professor finally e-mailed me back, then read for my English class. Oh what fun.

range.

:D :) :\ :) :/ :( :'(

:D - Saturday. Moved in. Partied. Had fun. Life was swell.
:) - Sunday. Life is still swell. A little hungover, but all is good.
:\ - Monday. Had to go back to Newberry to spend the night. Eh.
:) - Tuesday. Came back to Rock Hill. Sexed and factoried. Exhausted, but good.
:/ - Wednesday. Job hunted. Spent most of my time alone. Very tired.
:( - Thursday. Cover was blown on my tattoo. Drank for nearly 12 hours. Made mistakes. Completely miserable.
:'( - Friday. Felt like shit all day. Suffered repercussions of the night before's drunken actions. Sat in my shower and cried.

This range of emotions has not been good for me. And now, I think I'm going to go to sleep at 9:30 on a Friday night because I'm exhausted, have nothing better to do and feel so very, very alone.

seven.

SEVEN DAYS!!!! ahh i'm so excited.

seven days from now, i will be celebrating being in my new apartment with my new roomie and friends and tons of alcohol to go around.
eight days from now, i will either have a tattoo or an appointment for a tattoo (depending on how booked ink link is that week).
nine days from now, i will have (hopefully) successfully completed a job search.
fourteen days from now, almost everyone returning to wu next fall will be back in rock hill and lots of partying will commence.

and, even better news, i'm slammed busy all this week which means it will fly by super fast. :D

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

jake: me
amir: alisha

she does it unintentionally and it's not as blatantly obvious, but this is still what it feels like.

consciousness, pt. 13

oooh unlucky number 13. is it odd that 13 has always been my favorite number, despite the unlucky claims about it? i also really love it when there's a friday the 13th in a month. unlucky, i know, but those are some of my favorite fridays.

speaking of fridays, that's what today is. what am i doing? working. what is everyone else in the law office doing? aside from katy (my partner-in-crime and other runner) and tara (assistant and bookkeeper extraordinaire), they've all left to start their weekends early. not that i'd really have anything to do if i started my weekend early. the only thing i've got going on this weekend is work, babysitting, then more work. and find sometime in between to take my final astronomy exam. i really hate that class. i thought it was going to be way more interesting than it turned out to be. perhaps if i had taken it at winthrop, in an actual class setting, it would've been better. oh well. i've got at least a b in that class so, what had to be done is (almost) done. really, the only thing i would do if i left early would be facebook and tumblr (which i would be doing now, but those websites are not allowed at work).

yes, that is how exciting my summer is/has been. well, when you've got one boyfriend obsessed best friend back in rock hill, one at the beach, one who works tonight, one who is unreachable 97% of the time, one who is depressing to be around (and blames that on you), who can you really turn to aside from internet friends? i swear, had it not been for the wonderful people on tumblr and the pervy people on formspring, my summer would have lost what little interest it had a month ago and i would probably be bat shit crazy in a mental hospital right now.

you see, summer works for people like my sister. the social, outgoing people with multiple groups of friends, where if one group was busy/unavailable, she'd have another one to do something with. i'm not saying i envy her vast amount of friends. i'm perfectly fine with the one, close-knit group i have. that is, until it comes to distance. we can never seem to work that one out. my point is, summer does not work for me. i need a season where we're all in the same environment, in the same place. (i.e. during the school year). you can't take 47 vacations and work 17 hours a day during the school year. you have the same breaks and are in class for the same general time frame. the scheduling for free/hang out time works itself out. but then again, maybe i'm just lazy in my planning abilities.

oh, summer. how i loathe thee. although, i am excited to have, like, a week's worth of a break before classes start after i move in. in that week i plan to organize everything that i'll inevitably just dump in my room while unpacking; find a job; and get my tattoo. hell, i may even read ahead for my english and writing classes. more likely, though, i'll just party most every night since i haven't pretty much all summer. i feel weird partying in my hometown. i don't really like the people there when they're drunk (aside from the friends i've been drinking with since high school) and i'm just not as comfortable as i am partying in rock hill. maybe it's because every party i go to in newberry there are at least 4 or 5 people from my high school who come up to me and say, "kathryne! i had no idea you partied. this is so weird. you've got a beer in your hand! never thought i'd see the day." whereas in rock hill, the second i walk into a party it's like, "kat, why don't you have a drink yet?" or "here, take a hit of this." which makes me feel like much less of an awkward, antisocial person. hey, another reason i hate summer. all summer that's what i feel like because my sister's out all the time and i just get to hang around the house with my parents. let me tell you how much fun that is. not.

so, in other words, i have a life in rock hill. and right now i am sick and tired of not having a life. case in point: i just rambled for over 45 minutes about just how boring my life is right now.

rock hill = 7 days and 16 hours away.

rut.

Today at work, I came across an article called The Up Side to Being in a Rut

At the beginning of the article, the woman states quite plainly, "I'm over the summer." And you know what? So am I. At the end of every spring I get all excited about the upcoming summer months. I always forget, though, that by July 5th, I'm pretty much over the whole vacation. It's at this point that I miss my friends. I miss having an actual schedule. I'm tired of working all the time and I'm tired of my parents having control over me again. And by August, when it's the hottest, laziest, dog days of summer, I'm entirely, 100% over summer and over my vacation.

There's a reason why fall is my favorite season and at the end of spring, I always seem to forget that. With fall comes the clothes I look best in, my birthday, my favorite holiday (Halloween), and the feeling that I'm actually accomplishing things and worth something to someone.

But, back to the topic on hand. I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut. This rut sucks. The problem is, I have zero will power to get out of my rut. I tried a 10-day diet thing. I gave up on day 3 due to lack of will power. I tried out my "no hooking up with someone I'm not in a relationship with" rule again, but what do you know? A certain person calls up and there goes the will power to keep that rule in effect. I decide to get up the energy to clean/organize my room so that I'm ready to leave in a week. I get half way through cleaning off my dresser, then get distracted by reading a magazine I found. After the magazine's done, I decide I'll do the rest later. Well, it's later. Is the rest done? No.

The problem is, I can't just sit back and wait for the end of my rut like the woman in the article says to do. It makes me all anxious just sitting around, waiting for something huge to come along and change the way I go through my day to day routine. I can only assume moving back to Rock Hill will be the end of my rut. It's the only thing in the foreseeable future that will change the way I do things with my life.

Good God. These 8 days can not go by fast enough.

realization.

i still really worry about him. like, i know today he was just being overly dramatic, but when you get a text saying "it's over. it's all over." it doesn't go over really well.

it doesn't help that i feel partially responsible for what happened.

ugh. why am i worrying about him so much?

because despite what you say, you actually do still care a lot for the guy and you want him to be alright and happy.

so now what do i do? this would all be so much easier if i were in rock hill.

consciousness, pt. 12

i'm watching animal house. i miss the fraternity guys i hung out with last year. to be honest, they're probably more like the delta house than the omega house. but that's why i like them so much. and it's only 12 (almost 11) days until i'm back in rock hill with those great guys.

on that note, john belushi. 'nuff said.

grab a brew. don't cost nothing.

have i mentioned how ready i am to move back to rock hill? yeah? thought so.

ugh. i'm just killing time until my friend boy (as mrs. murphy would call him) gets here.

you know, when i first saw this movie i felt like katie when she's first introduced. now, i don't really know. i guess we'll figure that out when the semester starts.

well, yeah. that's all i got.

personal.

so, in the movie pretty woman, julia roberts (as a hooker) doesn't kiss the guys she's "with" on the mouth. she was taught not to because it's too personal, too intimate. if you avoid that bit of intimacy, there's a bigger chance that you will not fall for the person, that everything else can just be seen as a "business transaction."

i have a visitor monday. a male-type visitor. and i think this time i'm not going to kiss him on the lips. i know i have before, but things are different now. and i really can't afford to start a new year having fallen for this guy. again.

cause, let's face it. this is not personal, it's strictly business.

EDIT (8/6/10): well, i didn't kiss him on the lips. but we did. and he initiated every. single. one.

kids.

You got me wishing and I'm wishing on a thousand stars baby
And I'm running my mouth, 'cause you're so damn pretty
Should I drive home, it's two in the morning,
Either way you know it, you know I'll be dreaming of you with me
And all the things you said to me like this:
"We're cool" and "life's so good with you"

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

Every second that I'm with you I can feel my heart beating
Every beat that it makes is like a new life breathing
For the first time, love is a habit
If your heart is a drug, I'm a downhill addict
It's you that I would throw it all away for
One more night, like this drive
I thought I was lost in the city, it was just your eyes

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

Sharing secrets, share and tell
Keep them, keep me
You say them softly, I'll never tell
I'll never tell, I'll never tell
All the words (trust me girl)
Keep them, keep me

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

-red car wire, kids in love

home.

this picture is now the background on my computer. it will remain the background on my computer until the day i move back to rock hill. for another 17 days. it's so close i can taste it.

all summer i've been wallowing in my own self pity because i came back home to find that it felt even less like home than the last time i was here. i've become withdrawn, depressed, self-destructive because i've literally felt as though i don't belong anywhere all summer. (except for salkehatchie, but that was more about the people than the location).

but, in reading a friend's blog, i've discovered where home is:
home is back at winthrop.
home is back in rock hill.
home is a 20 minute drive from charlotte.
home is a 2 bedroom apartment with my crazy best friend, whom i love.
home is a small southern town with some of the best people i've ever met.
home is 17 days away.
home is waiting for me.

so this picture is staying up, as a reminder that i will be home soon.

also, isn't that boy just beautiful?

lost.

i don’t meet people i befriend very often, or i don’t befriend people i meet very often, i say hi, i promise things, but friendship scares me and i remain the stranger i was before we met. sometimes i meet someone who frightens me, thrills me, excites me, terrifies me, someone who i fear losing if i don’t completely devote myself to this person.
and that’s what i do. i hand over myself to you. i give myself to you. i love and desire to be loved back. i lose myself. i get lost.
while you, you don't. you hold back and move on. you let go. you know your way out of the maze, and you leave. you leave while i stay in there, knowing my way out, but refusing to do so. i rewalk the paths we’ve walked, touch the things you’ve touched, breathe the air we inhaled. i get lost in what we were. in your memories in treasured boxes, but in my, my everything.
i’m lost in you.

good god this quote knows me so well.

apathy.

i've decided not to care anymore. i posted this on my tumblr a few minutes ago:

so i’ve decided that once i get out of my parents’ house in august i’m going to just not give a shit about anything anymore.
i’m going to drink when i want, smoke when and what i want, sleep with who i want, get what i want pierced, tattoo what i want on me, and just do whatever the fuck i want when i want to do it.

and i’m going to do all this without caring. i’ve been caring about people entirely too much and all it’s gotten me is a lot of pain.

but from now on, fuck that.

and in just the short amount of time from then until now, i've started feeling better. lighter, even. like a whole bunch of weight has just been lifted off my shoulders all because i've decided not to give a rat's ass about anyone else but me.

psychic.

so, my dreams come true sometimes. actually, a lot of the time. but it's only the really realistic ones. a few nights ago, i had a dream that my ex (T) had to move out of his friend's (F) house because F died. so he moved in with his other ex (R) and they started dating again. then, he decided that since we're friends he would make R and me hang out together because he wanted us to be friends, too.

(random tangent: we're not friends now because i don't like her. i don't know why i don't like her. i don't dislike a lot of people. and i usually have a good reason for disliking people. so the fact that i dislike her this strongly without a reason in and of itself worries me. and no, it's not because she's T's ex. i disliked R on this level before i even knew T.)

back on track, i found out saturday that T had moved out of F's place and was staying with R. (panic) i asked him today why he had to move out of F's place and if he was staying with R for the next month until he moved into the house he's supposed to start renting in august. he said no, that in a few days he'd be moving in with another fraternity brother. (relief)

text conversation:
me: oh good. that would've just been too freaky.
T: huh? we've had a great time so far (interruption: contradictory of the awkward situation he described to me saturday, but i digress).
me: no i had a dream like last week that (description of dream).
T: lololololololololol
me: hey now. i've had dreams come true many times before.
T: well most of that one might

choosing to take a lighter side, i asked if he was planning on killing F. really, i'm just terrified that the "most of that one might" that he meant was that they'd get back together and he'd try to get us to be friends. something that won't happen. which would probably mean our "friendship" would cease. and that tiny bit of hope that i've been holding on to that we'd get back together would be squashed out entirely. i thought about messaging him and asking, in all seriousness, if that's what he meant but i'm just too scared that the answer will be yes.

LIVE UPDATE: T's facebook status: Happy endings dont matter its all about happy middles. his facebook statuses aren't that cheerful.

i just hate it when he's happy with her. but i can't figure out why. is it because it all seems so hypocritical because when we were together he would look back on his memories of dating her without fondness? is it because now i think that that was a lie just to make me feel better because i didn't like her and was already a little self-conscious about being a girlfriend for the first time? and he would tell me how much better at it i was than her. and how much better for him i was than her. is it because all of this is making me doubt myself and him and the things i was told when we were together? or does it all go back to the fact that i genuinely dislike her and can't figure out why?

that above all bothers me. i'm not one to do that. at all. which makes me think there's something really untrustworthy about her that i just haven't seen yet. and i don't care if she's had a rough life before she came to college, guy friend who used to be friends with her but no longer is (hm, does that tell us something, since you're extremely chill and get along with everyone?). there's something not right about her. and i don't want to have to find out what it is.

screw you.

i'm not texting/calling/facebooking him first anymore. i know i've said this before, but i have reason to now. he wanted to be friends. well, he's going to have to learn that it takes two to make a friendship. this does not mean that one of them has to do all the work while the other one sits back.

get in touch with me if you want to. if not, i'll figure out how to move on. because apparently, up until now i haven't been able to.

EDIT (7/6/10): i messed up today. but it was just a relapse. i've got my ex-patch back on. i shouldn't need another craving.

consciousness, pt. 11

i've been craving the strangest things today. an hour ago it was a banana. now i really really really want some fried pickles with dill sauce and french fries with honey mustard. stupid hormones. they're making me emotional too. and i'm not a fan of it. at all.

i feel like i'm constantly annoying people. maybe that's why i've been missing ally so much more than usual lately. she's like the one person i know i've never felt like i've been a nuisance to. unless i was intentionally being one by picking on her, which is fun until she starts throwing things at you.

i'm not even really looking forward to saturday anymore. mainly because of the whole "feeling as though i'm annoying people" thing.

also in my alone time this summer, i've noticed a pattern in the people i don't like: they're all prettier than me. and that's not the reason i dislike them but it does, naturally, make me like them even less. and i hate that. i hate not liking people. because then i assume that i only dislike them because i think they're better than i am and i already have enough inferiority issues as it is.

ugh.

this summer is turning out to be a really craptastic one.

productivity.

well. i have no idea what to write about.

but it's 1:31AM and i can't sleep (again) so i feel like i should do something that at least SEEMS productive.

sigh

why do i do this to myself? i start looking forward to something and then i start playing out scenarios in my head of how that thing could go. unfortunately, the scenarios in my head are typically directed by some big budget hollywood hot shot so they end up completely unrealistic. then whenever the thing does occur and it's just a simple, everyday life situation, i get disappointed.

and disappointment is the last thing i need right now.

cause, seriously. that combined with sadness and insomnia very well may kill me.

jumper.

everyone thinks about leaping off a building.
-karen eiffel, "stranger than fiction"


this "please don't jump" movement thing has really gotten me thinking. if you don't know, a postcard was sent to the postsecret guy (frank) from someone in san fancisco saying they were going to jump off the golden gate bridge this summer. shortly after the postcard appeared on the website, a facebook group was formed and according to this week's postsecret blogspot (scroll all the way down), frank hasn't heard anything since last week from the anonymous sender of the postcard.

when i first saw the postcard, it struck a chord in me. one i don't like to think or talk about, but for some reason feel the need to blog about. it's kind of pathetic.

at a really, really bad point in my life, i contemplated suicide as well. like this person, i felt i didn't belong anywhere. i felt unloved, unwanted, and just wanted to stop burdening people with my strangeness and moodiness.

and i knew if i was going to do it, i was going to jump. like jenny from forrest gump, i was going to fly far, far away from here. i didn't confess this to anyone, like this anonymous sender did. i didn't want anyone to know what i was planning, lest they watch me like a hawk and make it impossible.

the point is, anytime i would say something very depressing or allude to the fact that i was thinking about ending it, someone would come along and say, "you're so special. you've got your whole life ahead of you. you're a wonderful girl." and not once did it make me feel better. and that was coming from people i knew. some of them i even loved.

so i can't help but wonder if this person even cares about all these people that he/she doesn't know joining a facebook group when, had he or she never sent the postcard in in the first place, these people wouldn't have cared less or known to care if he/she had jumped. i mean, don't get me wrong. maybe it is helping. and i hope to god it does help and this person doesn't take their own life.

but what if it doesn't work?

tattoos, pt. 2

pending on how loyal of a follower you are, you may remember wayyy back in april when i made a list of tattoos i want to get. to refresh your memory, here's a link to it.

now, at that point in time i was very conflicted about which one i wanted to get first because i've heard one of two things from people who have tattoos:

1) they're addictive. i can't wait to get my next one.
2) one's enough for me. i couldn't go through the pain of having another one done.

this means that there is about a 50/50 chance of me only having one tattoo and i wanted to pick the one on the list that would mean the most to me and i would be happiest with for the longest.

fact: i suck at making decisions. especially long-term ones. but, i've finally come to one.

first of all, the spider one probably won't happen at all. i say this because i looked up "spider tattoos" on google images and they were either really gross and disturbing or they looked like a clipart picture stuck to someone's body. the only design i really liked was the venom spider and that design is currently tattooed to the abdomen of my ex. so, i'm still really on the fence about that one and i'm not getting something tattooed on me forever if i'm not over 9000% sure about it.

second of all, the first tattoo i'm getting is the first one i ever wanted. the beatles strawberry one. that was the one i first imagined myself saying i wanted and following through with getting it. and i'm planning on getting it for my birthday as a gift to myself (and if someone wants to chip in, i'm more than okay with that). so i'll have to wait until september, but i was planning on waiting until i got out of my parents' house anyway. and even though i got the design from evan rachel wood, that's the most personal one to me. it's the one i've had the longest connection with and the one i've put the most thought in to. simply put, it's the one i love the most.

third of all, i finally decided where i'm going to get it put. well, no. that's not true. but i've narrowed it down to two places i would like for it to be. one of the places is on my ankle, on the inside of my leg close to where evan rachel wood has her's. the other is on the left side of my chest (underneath the boob), on my ribs.

6/17/10 EDIT: wow that really just cut off there. i've been thinking a lot about this lately and as of right now, i'm about 95% sure i'm going to get it on the spot on my ribs. that seems the most concealable and i was messing around the other day and drew an outline there. it really fit for me. i'm so ready to get this that it's not even funny.

conflicted.

i don't know why blogger won't let you go directly from a blog to your dashboard. it seems so silly. i have to pretend i want to make a new post and then click the dashboard button. that makes me feel bad for all the unwritten blogs i've opened up.

but i'm straying from the topic at hand.

which is...man. i don't even know what it is.

i'm so conflicted right now. just a month ago, i wouldn't be able to go this long without talking to him. (3 days. and yes, i just realized how pathetic that is. sue me.) now it doesn't bother me all much. like, at all. well, maybe a little, but that's only when taking into consideration how our last conversation ended.

still, at the same time, i really don't like the idea of him acknowledging her.

*sigh*

maybe i really am just that selfish.

admittance.

the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

i want to be in a relationship again. i hate being single. i'm happier when i'm with somebody. and i hate admitting that. god i hate it. i wish i could express the exasperation i'm feeling right now admitting this. i've paced, i've slumped over, i've held my head in my hands, all trying to figure out what to say next. trying to figure out what i want to say, what i'm ready to admit.

i mean, yeah, sure. i can be happy by myself. i've had plenty of fun and good times being single. my point is that i was happier when i was in a relationship. everything just seemed better.

and, yes, i do have a specific person in mind. but he's going to go unnamed. it's not like anything's going to happen there anyway.

ipod.

i stopped listening to my ipod for a while. i'm not really sure why, but i switched over to listening to cds that i've made over the past couple years. i switched back today and realized that i was limiting myself very much with my cds. i have so much music i have yet to listen to on my ipod from people sharing bands with me, saying, "oh my god you'll love them!" so, new project for the summer: go through the albums on my ipod and listen to every one straight through.

but i'm starting that tomorrow. today, i just had all 8000+ songs on shuffle and one came on that i haven't heard in a while, although it used to be my favorite song: "here's looking at you kid" by the gaslight anthem.

and i was listening to this song with new ears. no longer did i just hear a guy listing his past relationships and how they ended. i was hearing the message he was sending out, what he learned from beginning all of these relationships. every time we enter into a new relationship, we're hoping that this will be the one we'll end up with forever. we know that the odds are completely stacked against us, but there's that chance that this is the person for us and we're willing to take it. it's a great risk, not one any smart gambler would take, but for some reason we all take it.

and then when those relationships do end, it's not because we wanted them to. it's because they had to. something greater than ourselves was telling us it was time to move on because this person isn't the right one, no matter how it may feel right now. and although we don't want to admit it, it's for the best. to quote the movie the song has quoted, "we'll always have paris."

when i was listening to this song, for each situation i had a particular boy in mind. so i switched up the lyrics a little bit. don't worry, everyone's been given a code name (though i think that if they were to stumble upon here they'd be able to pick themselves out immediately). but that's beside the point.

you can tell gayle, if she calls,
that i'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
and even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
when we were kids on the field of the first day of school,
i would've been her fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old high school halls.
you tell that to gayle, if she calls.

you can tell ray, if he calls,
that i'm famous now for all those scribbles of poems.
and even if that's a lie, he should've given me a try.
when we were kids on that night of the first day of school,
i would've been his fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old collegiate halls.
you tell that to ray, if he calls.

and you can tell janey, if she writes,
that i'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy hollywood nights.
and that's a total deceit, but she should've married me.
and tell her i spent every night of my youth on the floor,
bleeding out from all these wounds.
i would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
you tell that to janey, if she writes.

and you can tell robby, if he writes,
that i'm high off all these stars and all these crazy rock hill nights.
and that's total deceit, but he should've been with me.
and tell him i spent every night with him on the bed,
pining for him to love me once again.
i would've gotten him a ride out of that town he despised.
you tell that to robby, if he writes.

but boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
that will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
and all you can do is just wait by the moon
and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

you remind anna, if she asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
i heard she lives in brooklyn with the cool,
goes crazy over that new york scene on 7th avenue.
but i used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
praying she won't cancel again tonight.
and the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
you remind anna, if she asks why.

you remind merritt, if he asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while he was making up his mind.
i heard he lives in newberry with the folks,
feels at peace again in that small hometown he knows.
but i used to wait outside, a million nights without him,
praying he'd drive by again tonight.
and the moon looked down upon me with a consolation sigh.
you remind merrit, if he asks why.

tell her it's all right.
you know it's hard to tell you this.
oh it's hard to tell you this.

here's looking at you, kid.

caving.

have you ever been swindled by a swindler who lies
'cause he wants to see you smile, have a good time, be inspired?
and he doesn’t want for you to cry or know he cries inside
so he hides behind his great triumphant rock and roll disguise.

if you could only understand how perfect this question and statement are. except they weren't lies. things just changed.

we want things to be real but you really can’t deny
we feel excited and on fire.

i think i've been confusing this. i thought "real" was the feeling of "excited and on fire." maybe, kimya, we'll agree to disagree on this one.

is it wrong to lie and say he’s fine
when the reason he’s not fine is the pressure of the power changing lives?
and just for an hour all these people will be better people.

i wish i could be a better person. i wish i weren't a selfish, vain, spoiled, envious person. i feel like saying "but, like any habits, these are hard to break." that's not an excuse. i'll work on it. but i'm not making any promises. i'm lazy too.

take this job and shove it, adios i’m a ghost.
i am leaving for the coast and i’ll never work for anyone again.

the beach really is a magical place. i wish i were there now.

i am not your savior or your heavenly host.
i’m just a piece of zwieback toast,
getting soggy in a baby’s aching mouth.

i like to help you. but stop coming to me for EVERYTHING. i've got my own issues to deal with. learn to work through some of yours.

i’m going south like the geese.
i just goosed you and so maybe i seem loose to you,
but i don’t even want to screw.
and i did once, but not now.

i don't want to screw with anyone but you. i don't want to be loose with anyone but you. i need to get over that.

now that i see how you do things.
the way you play and sing’s amazing,
but the way you play the game is crazy.
you don’t have to say you’re sorry, you don’t owe me anything
don’t owe me anything.

i owe you so much.

sometimes it seems like i’ve got all the answers
but the answers aren’t the same when the questions keep on changing.

i'm tired of being the go to person for relationship advice. is the requirement for this position 19 years of being alone and then a 3 month relationship? cause those seems like some real sucky prerequisites.

like how will i react when i see my mother crying
every single day cause she’s afraid of dying?
and how will i contain my anger
when delilah plays unchained melody instead of lost in your eyes?
and where will i go where i can feel safe
when my family sells it’s place and we all split up and move away?

i'm terrified of this happening. as suffocating as this house can be, i would hate for my family to not be together.

i'm trying to be brave 'cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

i was told i was brave once. i still don't believe him.

i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

i'm trying to be brave. really, i am.

i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

but the first step is the hardest to take. especially when the first step isn't taken whole-heartedly.

-kimya dawson, "caving in"

consciousness, pt. 10

i feel like i should say something special about this being the tenth installment of this particular "series" of blog entries, but i can't think of anything. this acknowledgement is enough.

today was my second day working as a lifeguard. maybe signing up for a job where i'm in the sun all day wasn't such a good idea for someone with skin as fair as mine. but oh well. what's a little melanoma here and there? kidding. once i gets past the first couple burns i'll be alright for the rest of the summer. and nothing too bad's happened yet.

i was kind of hoping there'd be another play going on this summer that i could participate in at the ritz. i don't really know if i'd have the time to do it, but considering the latest i'll ever work (on a regular basis) is 6:30, i'd probably have more time than last summer. but, alas, i haven't heard of anything. i really do love acting. it's a shame i don't have the balls to declare theater as a major and pursue a career in that. blast. maybe i'll just try out for another school play next semester, one that consists of more than seven parts and isn't student directed (less chance of favoritism). it's there, no point in denying it.

i crave movies and i've been craving "rent" for the past couple days now. thankfully, i have the soundtrack so that's enough to tide me over for the time being. but as soon as i get enough money, i'm going to go get a membership at family video (since the blockbuster in town closed) and rent that sucker. who knows? i might even just sign up for a netflix account. i don't think dad's going to be getting me one anytime soon, even though he used to try to make me ask for one for christmas and my birthday multiple years in a row. i was listening to "another day" today on repeat. that one's definitely my favorite song from the musical. i haven't figured out the significance of that, but i will one day. "what you own" comes in a close second, but i think that's mainly because of the way they filmed it in the movie.

i want to know why. i mean, when you're in a friends with benefits kind of friendship, it's usually CASUAL, right? the "friends" part comes first, does it not? it's "oh, hey, we're an hour and a half away, we're friends right now. we're not gonna plan an elaborate meeting to hook up. oh, hey, now we're in the same town. i don't have anything to do and an empty room. you want to go? you do? sweet." there isn't planning. there isn't a "let's do it this weekend...change of plans. next weekend? ok. crap that doesn't work either. next weekend FOR SURE." and there sure as heck isn't an hour and a half drive that has to be endured by one of the parties. so why? why are you going through all this trouble? then getting your hopes up and then let down when things don't work out? wasn't summer supposed to bring the time you felt it required (but didn't have during the school year) to find a replacement for me? i know we decided to leave things open-ended, but i thought we would keep up with the same "oh, hey, we happen to be in the same town at the same time" kind of thing.

*bathroom break*

i have a horrible headache. i think i might be dehydrated. i forgot to take a water bottle to work.

drat. why did this song have to come on? "cotton" by the mountain goats. don't get me wrong, i love the song. it's just kind of hard for me to listen to. regardless, i'm not going to skip it. i need to hear it. let it all go...

p.s. that earlier rant earlier about friends with benefits was the "what i really want to say in the midst of the bullshit" i mentioned this series of blog entries was all about way back in consciousness, pt. 7.

beautiful.

the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again: it's the most extraordinary thing in the world.

i have two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1967 colt .45 with the busted safety catch.

the world shines as i cross the macon county line going to georgia.

the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you and that you are standing in the doorway and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, i am frozen with joy right where i stand.

the world throws its light underneath your hair, forty miles from atlanta, this is nowhere, going to georgia.

the world shines as i cross the macon county line going to georgia.
-"going to georgia," the mountain goats

this is without a doubt the most beautiful song i've ever heard. this was the first song i heard by one of my now favorite bands. palmer ray, i have you to thank for that. everything about this song has the power to move me, no matter what mood i'm in. especially john darnielle's vocals. holy jeez.

anyway, my intentional point for this was i'm on the mountain goats pandora radio station and this song came on. it's been a while since i listened to it, so i decided to stop what i was doing (stumbling and facebook chatting) and pay attention to the song. when it came to the line:

the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you and that you are standing in the doorway and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand, i am frozen with joy right where i stand.

i was stunned. for the first time when i heard this line and pictured it, putting myself in the song (something i do frequently, not just with songs, but with books, poems, movies, etc.) i wasn't the one holding the gun. i was easing it from someone's hand. a particular someone, but i won't say who.

i no longer feel like i'm unwanted in this person's life. and, no, not just because of some random vision i had. but because at the exact moment i had this random vision, i was talking to this person on facebook chat. HE chatted ME. HE opened up to ME. granted, he closed right back up after saying what he did, but the point is he opened up. step: forward.

i like being the easer, not the holder, of the gun.

realization.

i'm ready, both mentally and emotionally, to pursue "physical relationships" with other guys but i am not physically ready. and i don't know what to do about it.

in other words, i'm having the girl equivalent of not being able to get it up for anyone but one person.

*bangs head on table repeatedly*

balls.

complicated.

things are starting to get a little complicated, in my humble opinion, where a certain ex of mine is concerned.

i'm doing good as far as where i should be in the whole "post break-up" scenario and i really like where we are now. the thing is, things are starting to shift and i can't really see where they're shifting to. and i could really use some advice but i have no idea who to go to without being judged horribly or given a completely off-subject answer that i'm not going to follow anyway (trust me, if you knew the situation, you'd know exactly what this answer would be and how it's not really related to the answer i need to hear).

i guess this is just one of those things i'm gonna have to do on my own.

*EDIT 5/29/10*
last night (or, rather, this morning) i realized something that greatly affects this whole situation i'm in and i'm really hesitant as to what it could mean, mainly because if it means what i think it means then there's no way of me fixing it without taking drastic steps that i don't want to take. (drastic steps being possibly ruining a friendship with aforementioned ex by not being able to talk to him because i would have had to cut him out of my life completely).

monetize.

well, followers (all seven of you that i know of, plus the anonymous ones), i've decided to sell out. i added the monetize option to my page which will put ads in my sidebar and under the first post of the page. if you click on an ad, i get paid. simple as that. you don't have to stay on the page or sign up for anything, all you have to do is click (i'm under contract not to, but you guys can click all you want).

so, since i'm gonna have to start paying rent next semester, i could use all the clicks i can get. thanks :)

dreams.

i started watching "glee" as a joke. i love musicals and broadway, but i couldn't for the life of me see myself getting addicted to a show where they sang covers of pop songs. about a month or two before the series was supposed to air, my sister had me listen to their cover of "don't stop believin" and while i thought it was good, i had no intentions of actually watching the show. then, about a week or two after the show started playing, a friend of mine told me to watch it to see this horrible acting they were trying to pass off. i did, had a nice little laugh, and went on with my life.

after the ninth episode, "wheels," i was on youtube and under suggested videos was the scene from that episode where artie sings "dancing with myself." i decided to humour youtube and watch it. i don't know why, but the song seemed to strike a chord with me and i went online and started watching the episodes, getting myself addicted to the show.

this past week, the episode was titled "dream on" and i'll admit i was extra excited to watch it because neil patrick harris was going to be guest starring. but then, just as when i watched the scene from "wheels," this episode struck another chord with me. and it wasn't until i saw this picture tonight that i knew what that chord was:


from: http://fuckyeahgleesecrets.tumblr.com

and as i read it, all i could think was i might as well have submitted that secret. i always tell people the reason that i'm an english major is because i want to be a writer when i grow up. really, i say that because i know i'd be content being a writer. i'd be able to go to work, go on with my day-to-day life, and continue living knowing i was doing something that wasn't killing me inside. which, you know, is good. but safe.

in this episode of "glee," jonathan groff's character says, "a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. the one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away."

i guess the whole point of all of this rambling was that i hope to god that one day i figure out what my dream is. and i hope even more that i'll be able to obtain it once i realize whatever it may be.



life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-søren kierkegaard

truth.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

inconsequential, pt. 2.

the last chapter:
i was just an inconsequential stepping stone between the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with and the next girl, who (with his "newfound knowledge of himself") he will probably feel closer to.

i decided yesterday to begin taking steps to getting over Ex once and for all. you know, emotionally. cause to be quite honest, i'm tired of missing him and moping and what not. let me clarify. not "missing him" as in "missing being with him" but "missing him" as in "i miss all of my friends from school, but especially him for some reason." and i figure once i get over him emotionally, i'll stop missing him so much and be able to stop being miserable. today, i saw something on facebook that made my stomach drop and sent me back TONS of steps in the progress i'd made since this decision of mine (yes, yesterday but i'd still made progress).

his ex (the girl mentioned above as "the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with) and her boyfriend broke up. meaning she's now single. newly single. after being in a relationship with "the love of her life" (don't worry, he referred to her as this too. it was actually quite nauseating). the point is, she's newly single, on the rebound, and she and Ex are in the same city all summer. together.

problem is, i have no idea why my stomach dropped when i found this out. it is obviously one of two reasons:
1) i'm worried that Ex will actually see her as the girl he still wishes he were with and try to win her back. and based on how they started out last time, he'll be persistent. and she's on rebound so it would only make sense for her to give in. they'll get back together. theoretically, i'm still not fully over him (emotionally, as mentioned before) so seeing them together when i return in august (or in june, depending on whether or not i have to take this class) will be the stake through the heart. and seeing all the lovey dovey stuff she puts on facebook would just be nails through my toenails and fingernails. wow i'm a spiteful person.
2) i really really really really don't like her. and this goes back to before Ex and me, so that's not my reason for disliking her, although it does add to it. with her previous bf out of the picture, it's much more likely that they'll actually be friends again (something Ex is trying out with all his exes for some reason). meaning, she'll be around more often and i just really do not want to hear her voice for extended periods of time like i know i would have to because Ex and i are friends already. and lots of Ex's brothers and i are friends. she knows lots of Ex's brothers but hasn't really been in contact with them (that i know of, besides "liking" things on facebook) since hanging out with her last bf. but, as mentioned in option 1, she's now up in rock hill over the summer with all of them while i'm stuck here. that is, unless i get to take this summer class.

postpartum.

HOW have my parents not figured out this is how i function yet? when i come back from school for long periods of time, i have a mourning period. think about it, i've been jerked away from my friends (most of whom i didn't get to say a proper goodbye to because of the crazy exam schedule) and am having to pick up and move everything out of the place i've grown accustom to for nine months to wait it out for another three until i can return. it's almost like postpartum depression. but give me a week, week and a half tops, and i'll be fine again. i'll unpack, i'll get up earlier, i'll make plans, i'll hang out with people (and enjoy it), and i'll do things other than sit on the computer and play video games.

but no. i get accused of not having any goals, ambitions, or any desire to live. i get accused of being addicted to facebook. i get worried about. i get given strange looks because everyone's worried if i'm ok. when i say i am (because i know this is how i operate) i get yelled at for not doing anything. for not cleaning my room. for wasting my life.

i wish people would just get off my back.

ghost.

i think i'm ready for another boyfriend. problem is, every time i think about liking someone new, it turns into that scene from "annie hall" where alvy and annie are walking through scenes of annie's past loves. only, in my case, they're potential loves. and taylor's sitting there scrutinizing every one, very much like alvy does. ugh. and it gives me such a headache because he just won't go away.

of course, now i've missed out on the opportunities i would have liked to pursue because of this little taylor ghost. now, i'm left with no more potentials because they've moved on and found someone who isn't crazy. gah, i really hope this ghost is happy. jerk.

he is also inhibiting my ability to finish this paper because i feel the need to blog about him. god i'm a moron.

inconsequential.

i abhor the feeling of being inconsequential and i've been feeling it a lot lately, especially with regards to my ex.

he was my first boyfriend and he was my first love (although we never actually got to that part because during the week he was planning on breaking up with me, i was so foolishly trying to figure out how to tell him i love him and he ended up getting the courage before i did). keeping this in mind, the chances of me ever forgetting him or completely moving on are slim to none.

but i was number five for him. and in lieu of discussions/findings post break-up, i've been led to assume that i wasn't even that life-altering of a girlfriend to him. i was just an inconsequential stepping stone between the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with and the next girl, who (with his "newfound knowledge of himself") he will probably feel closer to.

and all of these feelings would make any smarter person write him off completely, but i can't seem to do it. i just can't get past the fact that someone can mean so much to me, but i've barely left a fingerprint on their life.

mistake.

ok, yeah, i fucked up this time. but not for the reasons you want me to say.

i don't think i made a mistake in dating you, despite the fact that many people want me to say that. but i did make the mistake of allowing myself to get so close. i decided to try to not be so guarded, because i thought i could trust you. it turns out that was my biggest flaw: trusting you. i now see that that was just seen by you and others as a joke.

so, thanks for the lesson. my heart is going under lock and key. i will only allow myself to be close to the people i'm already close to, who haven't let me down. i won't allow anyone else in.

again.

it's happening again. i didn't think it would this year. the absolute NEED to get away from this place. another example of how i cannot stay in one place too long.

i can't help but wonder if i'll ever find somewhere that feels like home.

anatomy.

i do not envy meredith grey a lot of things. but i do envy her courage.

i love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. so pick me, choose me, love me.

i barely have the courage to even think of uttering these words to someone, even though it's exactly how i feel.