strength.

facebook hates me. it's a fact.
i am taking this nice, long summer vacation to get a certain someone out of my mind, but naturally there's something about them every single effing day in that little side column, which of course makes me want to facestalk them. this causes great internal conflict as to whether i should or not.

if i could, you know i would
if i could i would let you go.
-u2

so work's proving to be completely overrated, as usual. i've only been back two days and i'm already sick and tired of that place. love love love the people there (well, minus my boss), but the work part can just go.

i'm in this play now called "the ladies of rosemont" about all these women who are buried in a local cemetary. the idea of the play is "if you could stand up [after you've died] and send out one message about your entire life, what would it be?" then, the woman who wrote the play has challenged us to write a monologue from the p.o.v. of women in our own families, and we'll perform those as well. these are the women i'm portraying:
->mary starke kennedy, a society woman [who i'm pretty sure killed her husband] who lavished in all the luxuries of the wealthy southerners
->stella whitmire, who wanted to be famous but instead fell in love and stayed in the little town she was born in
->annie wallace carpenter, a woman who suffered from alzheimers; although she didn't see it as suffering, she was perfectly content living believing there was nothing wrong with her
->martha mcgaha wise, the eldest daughter in a family of four who lived her whole life taking care of her family until she married at the age of 64
->matilda jeter fair, who married a man named charlie after his first love had died
->carrie bedenbaugh, a meddling mother who was always told by her children "moma, mind your own business"
->elberta mize, who worked herself to death taking care of her husband who suffered a stroke

i'm thinking i'm going to write mine on my great-grandmother. she was the oldest child and her parents died young, leaving her the prime caregiver for her younger siblings. her sister was murdered. she eloped and moved out of her home when she was 17 years old.

it's just amazing looking back at all these women's lives and seeing them come alive again to tell their story. this city's past is really fascinating.

college.

soooo i found this list while i was googling something else (and got distracted), but there's a lot of truth to the words here. i don't know, i guess i'm just feeling homesick for wu and all the people i left behind there, so here goes:

what i've really learned in college:

1) your new friends might not seem as good as the old at first but, soon enough, they become your family.
i've learned that your college friends become a kind of family: you eat meals together, you get drunk together, fight together, laugh and cry and do absolutely nothing together - until you can't remember how you ever survived without them in the first place.

2) you are constantly saying goodbye. and leaving never gets easier.
saying goodbye is easy. knowing what you're leaving behind is tough.
i've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replace having been there, memories (good or bad) will bring tears, and words can never replace those feelings.

3) something very important to remember is that while you will be saying "i'll be seeing you" a lot, you might not see your best friends for months at a time. however, please remember that distance never separates two hearts that really care and no matter what, those friends are always there for you.

4) missing somebody never gets easier. sometimes it really does hurt. and you realize just how much reminds you of those you miss.

5) things are gonna change. change is not always bad, so remember to never give up.
something has changed within me, something is not the same and that is good because i am happy here.

6) nap time is a MUST!! 8am classes are killer.

7) hide the rum cause it's not allowed in your dorm rooms.

8) it's ok to believe. you'd be surprised how many others are with you.

9) while you love your friends, you will still find that you have to face it, girls are evil whores.

10) you might feel old, but you really aren't. we're only in college for a short period of time. be young while you still have the chance.
live a little. you can't be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.

11) be yourself. there is nobody around telling you what to do or who to be, so why wouldn't you?
trust yourself a little more.

12) sometimes i reach my breaking point and every now and then i fall apart. that's okay.

13) the library is a great place to study.

14) whoa, do we watch a lot of tv.

15) music=life. you walk around listening to your music constantly, it's your soundtrack.

16) you will always have your memories. as long as you don't look back wishing you would have done something different; instead smile, put your head up high, and look forward to a future that awaits. memories are wonderful to have.

these are just the surface. just remember that life is beautiful.

donor.

i gave blood for the first time today, which considering my relationship with blood (as in, the smell of it makes me nauseous) probably wasn't the best idea. but, it was in memory of danielle, so i figured it was time to man up and do a good thing in memory of a great person. i was pretty proud of myself for not passing out. wahooo...mission accomplished. :)

remember.

remember where you came from.

but don't live in the past.
it's a fine line i'm trying to learn to walk.

desperation.

ugh.

why? why? why? why? why? why? WHY??

*bangs head against desk*

why is it that every time i start feeling good, feeling on the right track, feeling like i'm not suffocating in this godforsaken little town does something come along and knock me right back down?!?!

i absolutely HAVE to get an apartment or house or cardboard box to live in somewhere other than newberry next summer. i don't think i can handle another summer at home after this one. and it's not even june!

what the fuck.

optimism.

this summer's starting to turn around.

i've got 2 (maybe 3) possible jobs almost lined up: working in the pro shop at newberry county country club on weekends, working at dad's plant during the week, and maybe JUST MAYBE waitressing at steve's weeknights. i'll be a busy one.

i'm finally starting to get over the whole "not going to bonnaroo thing" because "i'm too immature" and i "won't have any shelter" because i'll "be camping" and honestly my dad just really "doesn't understand the point." okay, it's still a touchy subject, but believe me, it's gotten better.

aaaand i've finally gotten back in the theatre game; auditioned today for "the ladies of rosemont" at the ritz, which is playing june 25th through either the 28th or the 29th. either way, i'm excited!!!!

insomnia.

i can't sleep. so why not write yet another blog (my 5th within 24 hours)? heh. and i said i didn't want to be a writer.

but, go figure, i can't think of anything to write about.

balls.

appearance.

she's smiling. is she happy? she looks happy, so what does it matter?
-mona lisa smile


i'm getting a new hair style soon!! ^^something like this^^. i'm pretty excited. who knows what else will change?

wanderers.

to change for others is to lie to yourself.

i'm on a roll today.

this is our decision, to live fast and die young.
we've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.
-mgmt

why is it that no one my age seems to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives? are we doomed to be a generation of jobless wanderers simply because we don't want to follow in the footsteps of the generations before us who went on to hold jobs that they now dread going to each morning? i suppose i can't speak for everyone. i know plenty of people who know what they want to be, but it seems the majority is still trying to figure that one out. maybe in a few years it will suddenly become crystal clear what we're meant to do, what we're meant to become. but until then, what?

not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image.
-mona lisa smile

settling.

i've got a hunger
twisting my stomach into knots
that my tongue has tied off.
my brain's repeating,
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
but they never make it past my mouth.

this is the sound of settling,
this is the sound of settling,
this is the sound of settling

our youth is fleeting,
our old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go gray
and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say
-death cab

i don't ever want to settle for the things in my life, but i feel it's inevitable. i've realized that i just don't have the strength in me i thought i did...















...i'm weak.

angels.

i went and saw angels and demons yesterday. it was pretty epic. although, now i feel i need to go back and read the book because ally kept asking me what some differences were between the book and the movie and i'd start off every sentence with "well, i think..." pretty unacceptable.

i had to help out today with a graduates luncheon my church always does for the seniors about to graduate high school. one of the first things their speaker said was "you can't be anything you want." it just isn't possible. but you can and will do what you were born to do, using whatever talents you may possess. this really got me thinking about being an english major and how i really don't think that's what i want to do anymore. i don't want to be a writer, despite how much i love writing, i just couldn't do it for a living. so now one of the first things i'm going to do when i get back up to wu is change my major. again. i just have no idea what to. i think i'm going to have a lot of self discovery going on this summer.

stones taught me to fly,
love taught me to lie,
life taught me to die.
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball...
it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
-damien rice

silence.

i've decided to take a vow of silence (whenever i'm in my house or around my parents) in mourning of all the great times that i could have had at bonnaroo this year.

when will it end? june 14.

and until my vow of silence is over, the only playlist i'm listening to will be the one i made consisting of all the artists playing at bonnaroo this year (that i had on my computer, i'll probably be adding more later).

hey, it could be worse. at least i'm not doing a hunger strike.

to-do.

summer to do list:
1. keep in touch with people. you know how much you suck at being by yourself.
2. keep a journal. you may, however, not use the phrases: "nothing happened today," "my life is boring," "my life would be more exciting if...". and don't insult yourself, even if this means resulting to the third grade journal writing technique ("i did this... then this...")
3. finish reading all the books you just organized.
4. be nicer to your family.
5. get out of the house for at least an hour every day. stop being lazy.


this might just be crazy enough to work.


what were you doing in my dream last night, honey?
well i thought i locked that door up tight, baby.
-the pierces

humorous.

humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
-mark twain

so i've recently gotten addicted to collegehumor.com (jake and amir to be more precise). hot damn those cats are funny.

i'm being eaten alive by mosquitos. es no bueno.

i think this past week was like a worst case scenario for how my summer could be. however, this coming week will be a BLAST and hopefully the rest of the summer will be likewise. just because i'm missing winthrop like crazy and have to keep myself busy to avoid becoming too depressed doesn't mean i shouldn't enjoy myself while i still have summer vacations. i mean, who knows what kind of demanding job i'll have once i graduate that will force me to work during the long, hot summer months?

oh, and i saw two new movies recently:
x-men origins: wolverine -- 9.5 (i'm pretty bummed about the whole ryan reynolds thing. sue me.)
without a paddle 2: nature's calling -- 3 (hey, it had it's moments)

humor is just another defense against the universe
-mel brooks

mistake.

i think i made a mistake with the english major. i don't write much anymore and i have no idea what i'm going to do with it. gah, why can't i be good at something that has definite, solid, safe career choices? more importantly, why can't i figure out what i want to do?? most important: why am i thinking about this at the beginning of my summer vacation...why can't i just relax??????


the future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. the future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.

tattoo.

<-this is the tattoo i want to get.

but i can't decide if i want it on my left hip or on the inside of my left arm. i DO know that also want a peace sign on the back of my neck. weeeeeee i'm excited!!

p.s. ha. my sister figured out what it was for the second she saw the drawing. hopefully, the parentals won't be so sly.