kids.

You got me wishing and I'm wishing on a thousand stars baby
And I'm running my mouth, 'cause you're so damn pretty
Should I drive home, it's two in the morning,
Either way you know it, you know I'll be dreaming of you with me
And all the things you said to me like this:
"We're cool" and "life's so good with you"

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

Every second that I'm with you I can feel my heart beating
Every beat that it makes is like a new life breathing
For the first time, love is a habit
If your heart is a drug, I'm a downhill addict
It's you that I would throw it all away for
One more night, like this drive
I thought I was lost in the city, it was just your eyes

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

Sharing secrets, share and tell
Keep them, keep me
You say them softly, I'll never tell
I'll never tell, I'll never tell
All the words (trust me girl)
Keep them, keep me

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

'Cause it's me and you
And we're all alone baby
Sneaking out our windows, we're on top of the city
So make it happen, make your move
Tomorrow is waiting

-red car wire, kids in love

home.

this picture is now the background on my computer. it will remain the background on my computer until the day i move back to rock hill. for another 17 days. it's so close i can taste it.

all summer i've been wallowing in my own self pity because i came back home to find that it felt even less like home than the last time i was here. i've become withdrawn, depressed, self-destructive because i've literally felt as though i don't belong anywhere all summer. (except for salkehatchie, but that was more about the people than the location).

but, in reading a friend's blog, i've discovered where home is:
home is back at winthrop.
home is back in rock hill.
home is a 20 minute drive from charlotte.
home is a 2 bedroom apartment with my crazy best friend, whom i love.
home is a small southern town with some of the best people i've ever met.
home is 17 days away.
home is waiting for me.

so this picture is staying up, as a reminder that i will be home soon.

also, isn't that boy just beautiful?

lost.

i don’t meet people i befriend very often, or i don’t befriend people i meet very often, i say hi, i promise things, but friendship scares me and i remain the stranger i was before we met. sometimes i meet someone who frightens me, thrills me, excites me, terrifies me, someone who i fear losing if i don’t completely devote myself to this person.
and that’s what i do. i hand over myself to you. i give myself to you. i love and desire to be loved back. i lose myself. i get lost.
while you, you don't. you hold back and move on. you let go. you know your way out of the maze, and you leave. you leave while i stay in there, knowing my way out, but refusing to do so. i rewalk the paths we’ve walked, touch the things you’ve touched, breathe the air we inhaled. i get lost in what we were. in your memories in treasured boxes, but in my, my everything.
i’m lost in you.

good god this quote knows me so well.

apathy.

i've decided not to care anymore. i posted this on my tumblr a few minutes ago:

so i’ve decided that once i get out of my parents’ house in august i’m going to just not give a shit about anything anymore.
i’m going to drink when i want, smoke when and what i want, sleep with who i want, get what i want pierced, tattoo what i want on me, and just do whatever the fuck i want when i want to do it.

and i’m going to do all this without caring. i’ve been caring about people entirely too much and all it’s gotten me is a lot of pain.

but from now on, fuck that.

and in just the short amount of time from then until now, i've started feeling better. lighter, even. like a whole bunch of weight has just been lifted off my shoulders all because i've decided not to give a rat's ass about anyone else but me.

psychic.

so, my dreams come true sometimes. actually, a lot of the time. but it's only the really realistic ones. a few nights ago, i had a dream that my ex (T) had to move out of his friend's (F) house because F died. so he moved in with his other ex (R) and they started dating again. then, he decided that since we're friends he would make R and me hang out together because he wanted us to be friends, too.

(random tangent: we're not friends now because i don't like her. i don't know why i don't like her. i don't dislike a lot of people. and i usually have a good reason for disliking people. so the fact that i dislike her this strongly without a reason in and of itself worries me. and no, it's not because she's T's ex. i disliked R on this level before i even knew T.)

back on track, i found out saturday that T had moved out of F's place and was staying with R. (panic) i asked him today why he had to move out of F's place and if he was staying with R for the next month until he moved into the house he's supposed to start renting in august. he said no, that in a few days he'd be moving in with another fraternity brother. (relief)

text conversation:
me: oh good. that would've just been too freaky.
T: huh? we've had a great time so far (interruption: contradictory of the awkward situation he described to me saturday, but i digress).
me: no i had a dream like last week that (description of dream).
T: lololololololololol
me: hey now. i've had dreams come true many times before.
T: well most of that one might

choosing to take a lighter side, i asked if he was planning on killing F. really, i'm just terrified that the "most of that one might" that he meant was that they'd get back together and he'd try to get us to be friends. something that won't happen. which would probably mean our "friendship" would cease. and that tiny bit of hope that i've been holding on to that we'd get back together would be squashed out entirely. i thought about messaging him and asking, in all seriousness, if that's what he meant but i'm just too scared that the answer will be yes.

LIVE UPDATE: T's facebook status: Happy endings dont matter its all about happy middles. his facebook statuses aren't that cheerful.

i just hate it when he's happy with her. but i can't figure out why. is it because it all seems so hypocritical because when we were together he would look back on his memories of dating her without fondness? is it because now i think that that was a lie just to make me feel better because i didn't like her and was already a little self-conscious about being a girlfriend for the first time? and he would tell me how much better at it i was than her. and how much better for him i was than her. is it because all of this is making me doubt myself and him and the things i was told when we were together? or does it all go back to the fact that i genuinely dislike her and can't figure out why?

that above all bothers me. i'm not one to do that. at all. which makes me think there's something really untrustworthy about her that i just haven't seen yet. and i don't care if she's had a rough life before she came to college, guy friend who used to be friends with her but no longer is (hm, does that tell us something, since you're extremely chill and get along with everyone?). there's something not right about her. and i don't want to have to find out what it is.

screw you.

i'm not texting/calling/facebooking him first anymore. i know i've said this before, but i have reason to now. he wanted to be friends. well, he's going to have to learn that it takes two to make a friendship. this does not mean that one of them has to do all the work while the other one sits back.

get in touch with me if you want to. if not, i'll figure out how to move on. because apparently, up until now i haven't been able to.

EDIT (7/6/10): i messed up today. but it was just a relapse. i've got my ex-patch back on. i shouldn't need another craving.