pedestal.

3/30/2010, from the journal:
"i feel like i should feel slightly special, victorious even."
and later...
"so, my problem: why do i still feel threatened by people like r_____ and s________?"

because i should. i'm confused. i'm stupid. i don't know anything about anything. and realizing that makes me more ashamed than anything i've done recently that should leave me completely ashamed of myself. i put myself on a pedestal. i convinced myself that i was more important to someone than i could ever hope to be. and tonight, i knocked myself off that pedestal by reading something i'm sure the person who wrote it didn't think i'd see. i've been put in my place, and i think it's time for me to back out quietly.

the things i thought might happen again are never going to and i'm only kidding myself by continuing whatever this is that i've been trying desperately to hold on to.

even so, i'm not ready to open my heart up to someone new anytime soon. if i put myself on a pedestal, i put my heart on an even higher one. i've yet to meet someone who has guarded their heart as much as i have; i went 19 years keeping it to myself. finally, i got up the courage to take a leap, albeit a small one. i picked the safe leap, the one (at the time) i knew was a sure thing. but i got too sure of myself, too sure of him. i gave too much of myself to one person. i don't think i did it too quickly, it was more of a gradual thing, which is probably why i didn't realize it was happening until it was all taken away.

at any rate, this was my fault. i've learned the dangers of the pedestal. so no more leaps, safe or otherwise. not for a while, at least. i need to be on my own again. things worked out better for me that way.

ghost.

i don't remember my dreams. but i do remember the ghost that haunts them, lounging coyly in the background, constantly watching and criticizing everything i would do.

"why aren't you dreaming about me every night like you used to?" questions this ghost over and over.

finally, last night, i turned to him and said, "ghost, you can't be the main attraction in my dreams anymore. i'm trying to let you go, but i can't fully until you let me go, too."

but instead of disappearing, as i'd hoped he would, he pulled up a chair and a comic book and sat there for the rest of the dream, peering over his glasses from time to time, chuckling, then going back to his reading.



Lyrics

yes.

dear you,

i'm out. find someone else.

love, me.




it's time to go back to my old rule. things never felt this lonely after being with someone who i knew actually cared for me in return.

convincing.

so after nearly two months apart, is it sad that i still want to be with him? i feel like i should be over this by now. i think i just gotta keep telling myself that i am.

i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him. i'm over him.


and for my next detention....
i must not tell lies.

better.

i always get paranoid when someone says "you can do better" because i can't help but think that they're talking about themselves. as in, "you can do better than _____ [for instance, me.]"


i guess i think this way because when i tell someone they can do better, i usually have myself in mind as well.


if you never say your name out loud to anyone
they can never call you by it.
if i kiss you where it's sore,
if i kiss you where it's sore,
will you feel better, better, better?
will you feel anything at all?
-regina spektor

weird.

things that have made this day weird:

1) started it off at brad and ethan's watching "shawshank redemption" with brad, ethan, zerf, and brian (four of taylor's brothers i didn't get to know particularly well while we dated, but have hung out with a couple times since we broke up).
2) i realized i left the handle to my razor at home and had to shave with just the little head with the blade on it (which, actually was a lot easier than you'd think).
3) i couldn't find my crtw class. like the actual people. i got to class like 15 minutes early cause i had a class right before it near there and no one was there (no surprise). about 5 minutes before class was supposed to start, still no one. so i went to a computer and checked to make sure i had the right room (i did) and to see if there was an e-mail saying class was canceled (there wasn't). so i went back to the room (about 3 minutes late) and still, no one was there.
4) when i couldn't find my crtw class i went and sat out on the lawn to do reading for my next class. some guy comes up and sits next to me and we start talking. turns out, he doesn't go to winthrop, he's not from south carolina, and he's not a prospective student, but he did live near by and wanted to come hang out on campus since it was such a beautiful day. soon after, he got up and left.
5) went to check my mail, expecting to see a paper my mom was supposed to mail me and instead found cookies that my grandma sent me.
6) ran into mark and ryan going into the gym as i was leaving and they were wearing jeans and polos (aka not work out clothes).

and the day's not over yet, so i'm sure i'll have a few more things to post later on.

(later on)
7) got a note on the bathroom door from our suitemate asking us to clean out the shower after every time we use it. and no, she doesn't mean just rinse it out like we've been doing, but getting shower cleaner (or something like that) and legit scrubbing and cleaning the shower after every individual use (something we KNOW she doesn't do).
8) sat within like 10 feet of taylor at dinner, within 5 feet of one of his exes and her current boyfriend, while another one of his exes and her current boyfriend kept walking by. i soon came to the conclusion that i need a "current boyfriend."
9) hooked up with (not one, but) two different guys, something i never thought would happen to me (at least not in the span of 4 hours). decided it would be beneficial to open a brothel that way i could have other girls handle my business.

glass, pt. 2

glass half full:
2010 is the year of opportunity.

early january: had a blast at ally's for new year's eve, as usual.
late january: was given inspiration for the fairly large crtw paper i had to write and ended up getting a b on it.
early february: discovered the time and place that provides prime inspiration for my writing, enabling me to write more songs and poetry.
mid february: spent valentine's day with taylor.
late february: found out that it was possible to complete the work i needed for the class i thought i was going to fail horribly, giving me a little more hope on my completing it successfully.
early march: started working out more regularly and inevitably felt better about myself.
late march: went on an amazing, once in a lifetime trip to paris.

yay optimism!

glass, pt. 1

glass half empty:
well 2010 is looking to be a pretty suckish year.

early january: didn't get to spend new years eve with taylor like i'd wanted.
late january: got dumped by taylor the afternoon after i spent the entire morning in the hospital with my roommate because she took too many sleeping pills.
early february: slipped into a fit of depression worse than i've seen before.
mid february: spent valentine's day single. not something i thought was going to happen.
late february: found out i couldn't drop a class that may very well kill the gpa i need.
early march: acquired the worst case of cabin fever and began to hate my life and everything/one in it.
late march: my camera and nearly 700 pictures from my paris trip were stolen from my pocket by some greasy french man.

yay pessimism.

it.

i had it.
i had it and i lost it.
i barely had it for 1/3 of the year.
i thought once i did have it, it would've lasted longer than that.
i had a taste of it, and now i'm left wanting it again.
but you don't want it anymore. at least not with me.
and now i'm stuck watching other people have it again.


i do not like this, sam i am.

paris.

i need this trip. i need to get out of the country, away from feelings that have been bombarding me left and right. i need a fresh start, a new perspective. and these next 36 hours before i leave are going to be so long. i've been restless and itching to get away for over a week now.

and who knows?
i might not come back.

detached.

i've detached myself from you. it happened a lot sooner than i thought, but i'm glad it finally did. i'm back in the single mind-set. i'm not ready to be with someone new, but i am ready to have fun with this.

EDIT: (3/7/10) lies. all lies. here's a bumper sticker that tells the truth:
she says she's fine,
but she's going i n s a n e.
she says she feels good
but she's in a l o t of pain
she says it's n o t h i n g
but it's really a lot
she says she's okay,
but really she's n o t

deflated.

what happened?
i was in such a good mood.
i was having a good day.
now, i just feel deflated.
and lonely.
and i want nothing more than
to fall asleep in your arms.

countdown.

t-minus 10 days to paris.



:)