I hate it here.

I don't like being back home.

All I do is sit around the house all day, on the computer or watching tv while my mom, dad, and sister are at work. THEN when they do get home, my sister goes out with her friends and I'm left to watch more tv with my mom and dad. And when they go to bed at like 10, I just sit on the computer all night. Every day, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing and that all my time has just been a complete waste.

And all throughout the day, I've barely said 3 complete sentences. Why? Because I have no. one. to. talk. to.

None of my friends ever want to hang out, nor do they have the time to apparently and I'm always too lethargic to drive anywhere to see someone from school.

And my parents wonder why I don't want to come back home next summer.

I hate it here.

getting prepared for 2011.

Winter break resolutions -

(or, resolutions that should be started as soon as possible and will probably be finished by the time I return to school)

- This break is all about debriefing and relaxing. I need to get my head back on straight and find out who it is I really want to be from now on.
- Hang out with my friends from back home as much as possible (starting tomorrow). Face it, we're all pretty flaky with plans, but I'm determined. Especially since I won't be here for our traditional New Year's at Ally's. :/
- Help out around the house more. Being lazy and unproductive these past couple days has led to nothing but bad things for me on a mental and physical level. Forreal. I was almost excited when Dad asked me to rake the yard just so I'd have something to do.
- Start building a better relationship with my parents.
- Try to build a new style around the new look I'll be sporting after next Thursday and finally sell some of the old clothes and things I've been holding on to that don't fit whatever new style I go with. This Kat re-modeling thing isn't just going to be "on the inside" changes. I feel like it'll be easier to become who I want to be if I'm not holding on to all of my old things.
- Watch as many things I have in my Netflix instant queue as I can before I return to the internet-less apartment.
- Reread the Gossip Girl series. It's the one thing I consider to be a guilty pleasure and I've been watching the show a lot recently, so much so that I've forgotten the original story and what got me hooked on it in the first place.
- To sum up: BE PROACTIVE.


School resolutions -

(or, what I'm going to have to do next semester and for the remainder of my college career)

- Don't skimp through my homework. Legitimately take time out to do it and to study. I need to stop relying on luck to get me through these classes. Also, I need a more stable GPA and study habits.
- Finish the two stories I started in fiction writing this semester. I half-assed my way through that class when it could have, could have genuinely helped me. And I need to finish what I started.
- Put more effort into my art projects. I don't think I've been taking it as seriously because it's only my minor, but I shouldn't view it that way. Plus, if I can do as well as I did in my drawing class this past semester by just putting in the minimum amount of work on all my pieces, imagine what I could do if I worked over time.


Relationship resolutions -

- Find another boyfriend. I'm tired of being single.
- Ditch the guys who look like they'll be an "almost" as soon as possible. I'm sick of almost-boyfriends. That's all I've ever had (with one exception, I suppose) and they're nothing more than a nuisance.



New Year's resolutions -

(or, resolutions that will result in a more gradual change and should stick with me through 2011 and longer)

- Get back in shape. Take advantage of the West Center. Do yoga every day. Get those endorphins kicking.
- Just like what George did in that one episode of Seinfeld, everything that would be my basic, safe instinct to normally do, I'll do the opposite of and see how that works out for me. Chances are I'll experience new things, be more spontaneous, be more outgoing, start to develop some of the qualities I see in the people around me that I admire that I was always too hesitant to pursue.
- Stop allowing people to walk all over me and take advantage of me. I used to see it as just being laid back and I'll still hold on to that to some degree. But there's a line between being indifferent about something and passing up doing something I want because it might not be what everyone else wants. It's time to grow some balls and see that not everyone is going to pleased by my decisions all the time, but that I need to make sure that I am happy with my choices.
- Similar to the previous one, stop giving so many people so many second chances. At one point or another, enough is enough. I've let too many of those moments just go on by and continued handing out chances.
- Quit relying on others to make myself happy and quit trying to make others happy in order to make myself happy. Focus on making myself happy, be a little more selfish in that respect.
- Not let things upset me that shouldn't, especially things regarding other people. Everyone I meet is not going to go out of their way to make me happy. It's up to me to do that.
- To sum up: BE HAPPY.


New mantra -

(or, looking at the Diesel ads on my wall and taking inspiration from them to go about my day)

- Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart.
- Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.
- Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls.
- Smart may have the answers, but stupid has all the interesting questions.
- Smart says no, stupid says yes.
- Smart critiques, stupid creates.
- Smart sees what there is, stupid sees what could be there.
- Smart had one good idea and that was stupid.
- To sum up: BE STUPID.

realizations.

i don't like myself. i don't like who i am. i'm not really sure who i used to be and i have no idea who i do want to become. so i guess this new year is going to be all about finding out who the "new me" will be.

the only problem with "new" people, though, is that they're still the old person. and eventually, the old person's going to take back over. because, honestly, old habits die hard. and i've tried "reinventing" myself before, but look at where that's gotten me. but i suppose if i don't like who i am and i never change that, i'll never really be happy. and isn't that the point of it all?




side note.
i didn't stop with taylor. (taylor being ****** in the last post. clever, i know). of course i didn't. i'll never be the one to initiate the end of whatever this is. unless the new me i'm going to try to be is someone who does disrupt the status quo.

but on the way home, i made another realization concerning this. taylor has really become one of my best friends. i don't know how it happened. i don't know if it should have happened. i don't know if i sound odd and clingy making that statement. (god i hope not). regardless, he has. and i just know it's only a matter of time before another girl comes along and he starts dating someone new. and i know she won't want me hanging around. what new girlfriend wants the ex there?

so i guess the reason i'm not disrupting anything is because i know things aren't going to be like this forever. probably not even for much longer. but i don't want to be the one to mess them up when i've become so attached (as a friend). i'd rather it come to an end naturally. unfortunately, in all my internal back and forth-ness on the subject, he's noticed something different.

maybe new kathryne will be more like old kathryne in this particular scenario once she gets her head on straight.

****** ****

****** doesn't want me anymore.
**** wants/wanted me but won't follow through with it.

i don't want to be with ****** anymore, but i do want to be with ****. so i think i need to break off whatever this friends+benefits thing is with ****** because i don't think i can keep doing it now that i've finally admitted to myself i still want to be with ****.

of course we all know i won't. i've said i was gonna cut this out too many times and not to be trustworthy in this statement.

but i have to this time.

i'll take a leaf out of casey cartwright's (from greek) book and just be by myself for a while.