home.

it's funny how when i go home, it no longer feels like i'm actually going home. it's strange to be back in this town.

Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?
It's stupid to use the words others
Spent time to achieve
When the words that we're needing
Are inside us all somewhere
Waiting for rescues
They need to be free It's a lie not to listen
A sin, pessimistic when
Things that we need to say
Fall through the cracks
Like I love you, I miss you
I hate life with out you
And where have you been my love
I want you back.
So I don't feel alone in the world,
And baby yeah you're hard to get over,
We're older, it's just a little lie we tell all ourselves,
In itself, promise me, let's never get older.
So I don't miss the feeling of "left in the cold"
And this feeling of healing has long since been old
I find times when I'm missing the times you convinced me
I don't need somebody to hold my hand softly and tell me she's wishing
I wished she was with me cause I know now I'm drifting
I'm cleansed yet I'm missing the voice of an angel.
Leave it up to me to blow this whole thing aside and think of nothing like were nothing
But were young and alive
The clock on your wall isn't moving at all
Lets break out
Lets go out
Get a room
A hotel baby
I'm not saying that I'll love you forever
Hell who am I kidding
Cause were perfect together
Notice that when we talk I can't help but stutter
Your to perfect for words
I just want you forever.
-affinity, red car wire




i miss taylor.

procrastination.

i wish i could snap my fingers and this paper be done. i know what to say, i just don't know HOW to say it. i have three pages and it's supposed to be five. i'm thinking i'm going to go over five, but i'm worried that my teacher's going to see through the bs. aghhh. i really need a good grade in this class. and by good grade, i mean at least a c.

when did my definition of good grade go from a's to c's? oh yeah, when i came to college. unfortunately, mom and dad don't see it that way. lame.

why can i write plenty on here, but when it comes to talking about british poetry, i can barely figure out what to say?

i've already had one 16oz monster and i'm about half-way through a 24oz one. my heart may very well stop once i finish this one. i already feel really jittery. maybe i should stop drinking it. i also have to pee. yep, the top's going back on the can.

i'm really tempted to just work for like 30 more minutes and then finish the rest of the paper tomorrow. it's not due til 6PM. we're leaving for columbia at 3PM. meaning if i got up at 10AM, that would give me 5 hours to shower (which i would only need 30 minutes for) and finish up a page and a half worth of a paper. sooo 4 and a half hours for one and a half pages? i think i can do that. well, let's take away an hour for facebook, since i always find myself randomly wandering over to that website. that's still three and a half hours for one and a half pages. i can't do the math right now, but i'm thinking that's like half a page per hour?

yeah, this is how my procrastination thought process goes.

crazy.

i think i'm going crazy.

strike that. i think i've always been crazy, but i'm just now starting to not care about keeping that covered up. because, as i've mentioned before, in my family it's okay if you're crazy/upset, just don't let it show. after all, we wouldn't want the nice, normal people of the world to think we're not in totally control of ourselves, would we?

so i've been thinking a lot lately about dropping out of school. i've never liked school. i mean, middle and high school was something you HAD to do. now i don't have to anymore and i can't see why i should continue doing something that's making me so miserable. hm. maybe it's just this semester that's really sucked up the whole experience for me. maybe if i could get in the habit of actually being able to do work and study, things wouldn't be so rough. see, i never actually learned how to study in middle/high school because everything came so easy for me. now, i'm kind of screwed in that department.

so ally and i have decided on a new plan: drop out of school, live on minimum wage for a while, then marry rich. i can see this working.

parents.

one of the things my mother does that annoys me the most is when she's upset with you, she'll act upset, but she won't tell you what you did wrong. she just gets all quiet and when she has to answer questions they're very short. she'll also usually slam stuff and stomp around, but dear god don't ask what it was you did wrong. then she'll get even more mad, but still won't tell you.

i caught myself doing this today.

and it pissed me off because it was something simple and petty and 10 minutes later i was no longer upset by it. but i still acted just the way my mother does when she's upset. the way that annoys me so much. the way that makes me want to scream at her because i can't fix what i did wrong if she won't tell me what it is i did.

but i continued to do it anyway.

i can't help but feel like we're doomed to become our parents, try as we might to distance ourselves from them and live our lives completely different from the way they lived theirs.

doubt.

i'm not looking for love. believe me, i don't think i could handle it if it were to pop up right now. but if i am going to be with someone, i'd like them to at least be able to say that they cared about me.

i was hanging out with taylor tonight and something terrible happened. i have no idea what it was, but all of a sudden i was completely overcome with the feeling that something really, really bad had happened. i couldn't shake the feeling no matter what i did. i tried deep breaths, i tried happy thoughts, but nothing. it was that feeling you get when you find out the worst has happened. when your stomach falls into this bottomless pit and you're unable to catch your breath. you're left feeling completely hopeless. and i have no reason as to why i felt this earlier. it just came on all of a sudden. so, i clutched on to taylor, hoping to find some comfort there.

seeing that i was visibly upset, he rolled me over and proceeded to give me a massage (something he knows cheers me up/puts me in a better mood). when he was done i looked over and said, "see, you do care." he questioned what i was talking about and i replied that he cared about me. he obviously saw that i was upset and did something to cheer me up, to change the way i was feeling. i explained to him that you don't do that unless you care about somebody. he said he did stuff like that all the time without caring about people. so i told him i wasn't leaving until he admitted that he cared about me. after about 5 or 6 minutes of silence, he finally goes, "ok, i guess i have some semblance of feelings for you that some people may consider 'caring.'"

and he didn't get why i was upset. he thought we were playing a game.

seriously? what the fuck.

i'm not asking for a pledge of undying love in front of the whole world here. i just want to know he cares. because if he doesn't (and maybe never will) why am i even in this relationship?

consciousness, pt. 7

the soundtrack to the hangover is funny. i mean, the movie is too, but some of the songs are really quite hilarious.

i feel like this particular series of blogs (the consciousness ones) start off with random thoughts but are really just me bullshitting until i get down to what i really want to say. and why is that? this is my blog. i should be able to say what i want to without having to beat my way around the bush first, right? you'd think that.

so, anyway, on to "what i really want to say." i'm finally on the side of the equation that the role of girlfriend is on. before i had seen this side of things, it would really, really bug me when girls i barely knew disliked me just because i was good friends with their boyfriends. i used to think they were petty and insecure because of it. now, i can't help but feel that way too. and i hate it. it's like this whole internal conflict going on because i know i can trust taylor (this weekend was evidence of that) and i know the entire single female population is not out to break us up. but for some reason i am just not able to think logically when these feelings pop up. blehhh.

understanding.

in every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along

i think this week may be the death of me.

i spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much
my silence is my self defense

my silence is both my strength and weakness. i've become good at keeping those i don't want out. but for some reason i can't figure out how to keep those people out yet still let the ones i want in.

and every time i've held a rose
it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes
and so will you soon i suppose

my biggest fear right now is getting left for someone more experienced, more interesting, someone with better luck than me.

but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break

i'm trying to let you in, believe me. i'm trying to tell you things. i just don't think you know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

and this is why my eyes are closed
it's just as well for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows

i'm really surprised you picked up on the way i close my eyes when i'm feeling particularly exposed. thanks for understanding that it's just something i have to do.

so i would choose to be with you
that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break

if i had had more than one to begin with, i'm positive i still would've chosen you. you made your decision also, though i can't figure out why. your answer when i asked you, believe it or not (cause i'm not sure why i do), actually did make me feel better, even though you weren't very clear in saying what you had to say. don't worry, i still understood.

and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows

-and so it goes, billy joel

routine.

i don't feel as out of control anymore. i think it's because i'm finally getting back into a steady routine, as opposed to the wacky out-there schedule my life has been for the past couple of weeks. i dropped spanish. i'm ok with taking 18 hours next semester. i've got a schedule planned out i'm positive i can make myself follow. in the meantime, i've started going back to classes regularly and have been doing the homework for them outside of class. and not right before class, either. i actually take time and prepare for them. crazy, isn't it?

but, i am still very ready for next semester. monica's coming back and i'll be living with her again. i didn't realize how right for me that was until this semester when she was gone. with any luck, we'll be in the same dorm as taylor. and, as weird as this is going to sound, i think it'll make it easier to not spend the night with him as much. this way, even if it is like 3AM when i'm ready to go to sleep, i'll just go right down the hall/up the stairs to my room, instead of having to walk across campus (the main reason i've been spending most nights with him). it's not that i don't like spending the night with him. believe me, i've learned that i like sleeping with someone else wayyy better than sleeping alone, but i think it would be better for me to concentrate on school (and refrain from becoming clingy) if i slept in my own bed the majority of the week.

well, there's only a month and a half left in this semester (including thanksgiving break, study day, and exams), so hopefully those days will fly by like the rest of this semester already has. i've been thinking a lot about how much fun christmas break is going to be. i'm going to make more out of it than i did last year. i'm really glad taylor doesn't live that far away, too. fall break was bad enough and that was just going 3 days without seeing him. it's weird how so "not my type" taylor is. but, then again, i've never had a boyfriend before so i don't know if i even have a type. regardless, the guys i usually fall for have the same things in common...but taylor's different from all of them, in a lot of different ways. and i feel this is a good thing. my friend says he thinks i can do better, and maybe that's true. but i don't want to. right now i only want to be with taylor. and i can honestly say that i have never felt like that about someone before.

huh. this is turning out to be a better week than i thought it would.

control.

i feel like my academic life is spiraling out of control.

i've had to drop two classes, bringing me down to 12 hours and i'm failing another class. in the class i'm failing, the professor has told me that she doesn't think i'll be able to pass, but i should come meet with her anyway. at this rate, i'll only carry over 9 hours to next semester, which will not help with the whole "graduating on time" thing.

uhhh.

last week i was seriously contemplating whether or not i even want to be in college. i guess i still am, now. i feel like the only reason i'm here is just to get a degree and then move on with my life. the problem is, i'm getting a degree and have no idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, so what's the point of the degree?

maybe if i could find something i was passionate about and focus on that things wouldn't look so bleak. i just can't figure out what that thing could possibly be.

funk.

i'm in a funk.

maybe it's the lack of sleep. maybe it's because i just realized how far behind i am on pretty much all my schoolwork. which, i know will lead to less sleep. maybe it's because i just dropped a class (well, i need one more signature for it to be official) and now know i'll have to take 18 hours next semester. i dropped a class at the beginning of this semester because that was how many i had and i couldn't handle all the work. i guess i'll just have to suck it up next semester and deal.

maybe it's just because i feel a little dehydrated. who knows?

smart water tastes no different than regular water to me. other than it feels like it's clinging to the back of my throat. but, that could just be because my throat's feeling a little sore. i gotta be more careful when i'm blaring/singing along with the music in my car on the way back to school.

hm.

i've also been contemplating a lot lately if the whole college thing's for me. the only problem is, i have no idea what i'd do if i dropped out. working at the restaurant, i hardly made the money it would require to support myself, which my father told me i'd have to do if i dropped out. what sucks is i really think that's the only thing keeping me from dropping out: not having anything to do once i do. that, and feeling like i've wasted a ton of my parent's money. but what doesn't make any sense is that i still have no idea what i'm going to do AFTER college. so i'll be in the same boat, just with an english degree.

grr. i need to quit worrying about such things right now.

fall.

well fall break is finally here, and along with it some fall-like weather. i'm so glad to actually have some relaxation time.

i'm really worried about my grades right now. i'm nervous that i might get (at best) c's in everything. i think i'm failing spanish. i'm really considering dropping it, but then i'd have to take 18 hours next semester. i think i may do a little research on this. yeah, that's what i'm going to do now.

consciousness, pt. 6

so, since october is half-way over, i've decided it needs at least one entry in it.

the v8 v-fusion acai mixed berry juice is terrible. i'm making myself drink it, though, because of the whole "one serving of fruit, one serving of vegetable" thing. stupid marketing techniques.

i feel kind of weird about going from posting at least once or twice a week to barely posting each month. school has been taking it's toll on me. i finally feel like i'm a typically college student now, though. i'm pulling all-nighters, drinking wayyy more coffee, and have even participated in the "walk of shame" a few times this semester. they were all coming from the same dorm room, but you get the idea.

it just hit me that i leave for fall break tomorrow. it's kind of bittersweet. i definitely need a break from school, but i'm also definitely going to miss taylor (the new boyfriend). i think we've spent almost every day together for the past two weeks. but, then again, maybe this is a good thing. it'll keep me from getting to clingy/dependent. not that i would know that's what would happen, since this is my first ever relationship, but i could see that becoming the case. especially with the way things are going now. and NO ONE likes clingy.

therapeutic.

grades, family, boys, depression, friends, money, the future.

all are things i'm dealing very poorly with right now. the last time i made a list like this where i wrote out what i was feeling about each topic, it was very therapeutic. so, we'll give it a shot again.

grades-i am currently in two classes designed to get you only as high as a c. my gpa and scholarships can not take that blow. and the ones that i can very easily get an a in, i'm slacking off in because of these other two classes. not that i'm even giving 100% into those two, anyway. you would think with my realization of all this, i would change my habits, but sadly i have not. and i have no idea when those habits actually will change.

family- 1) i have an amazing family. i know this. yet, for some reason, whenever i go home i treat them like shit. my dad, mostly. and i have no idea why. it makes me feel like a total bitch, which i hate. i just don't know how to fix this problem. 2) i love my little sister to death and she's been going through a lot of bad stuff this year, especially all the crap she's been taking from her friends and ex-boyfriend. and mom and dad aren't helping out too much. i'm just trying to be there for her as much as i can, but it's hard to being so far away all the time. i really worry about her sometimes.

boys-we'll just generalize here, since i'm sure i've done this whole shpiel before. i have never been in a relationship before, but i want one so bad right now for some reason. i have no idea why, because i doubt i could really handle one with all the stuff on my plate as it is. regardless, i'd like a boyfriend. the problem is, i can't seem to find someone who feels the same way i do about me as i do about them and is willing to do something about it. i can't tell you how many times i've heard "i like you, but i'm not ready for a relationship now." or "i'm attracted to you and could like you, but i don't want to lead you on." it's total bullshit. obviously, you don't like me that way so don't say things like that. be straightforward and say "you're my friend. and that's probably all we're ever going to be." sure, it may sting a little at first, but i'm a big girl. it's so much easier to get over that than those vague little excuses.

depression-i never thought i'd have to work so hard to be happy. i just really don't want what happened last year to happen this year. last year i got so far into depression that i literally felt nothing all the time. so, i started cutting. it was a really stupid idea, but i didn't want to get help from anyone. i didn't want people knowing how fucked up my mind truly was. and what really sucks is last year, i had so many more people around who cared that i could have actually talked to about it, who would have been there for me. now, that number of people has dwindled dramatically (because of one reason or another) and i feel like if something like what happened last year were to happen again, i really might not have anybody to turn to.

friends-i love all of my friends to death. but it's getting really, really hard to like them all the time. i feel terrible about myself when things like this happen, but i tend to go through mini-stages where i don't like one of my friends and it annoys me to hang out with them. i absolutely hate this stage, but it always inevitably happens at one point or another. this makes me feel like i'm a bad friend. shouldn't i always want to be around them and miss them whenever i'm away from them for an extended period of time?

money-this one doesn't really need that much of an explanation, just that my money is slowly draining out of my savings account because i'm not putting any back in. it's not a good habit to have right now.

the future-this one doesn't need that much of an explanation, either. i would just like to point out the fact that i'm not really sure what i want to do when i get out of college. and i'm beginning to realize that this is going to happen sooner than i think, and i really need to get my head on straight. i really don't want to be one of those people who moves in back home after they've graduated college. i'd like to have a job lined up and be able to stand on my own.

story.

welcome to the story of my life...

this is the chapter where i know who i don't want and who i do want. and what makes this even more interesting (and depressing at the same time) is, i can have the one i don't want and can't have the one i do.

and this chapter is going to end...when?

EDIT: this chapter ended october 1, 2009 and a new one officially started october 4, 2009. turns out i can have the one i do want. :)

countdown.

10 hours and 48 minutes until my birthday!! :)

i'm excited. can you tell?

birthday.

i feel like i'm all warmed up for a new post; i have coffee, good music, and about 20 minutes before i have to be anywhere.

so it's exactly 61 hours and 32 minutes until my birthday! ...whoops, 31 minutes. not that i'm counting down or anything. i'm so excited. this is the first birthday in a while where i've done something that i've actually wanted to do. the past couple ones were someone else saying "hey, why don't you..." or "hey, why don't we..." and me just going along with it.

i've become a bit of a push-over, and it was that previous statement that made me realize it. what the hell have i been thinking these past couple of years, not doing what i really want to on MY birthday? isn't this day supposed to be about ME?

ok, i didn't mean for this to become so self-centered, but it's the truth. i really need to start standing up for myself more and doing what i want and saying what i think.

consciousness, pt. 5

capri sun+mac and cheese for lunch makes me feel like i'm 5 years old again, and i love it! :)

i drunk texted my sister for the first time ever the other day. it was a pretty rad conversation. i still think i have the best sister ever.

i've decided it's ultimatum time with problem c. (see: 'boy-crazy' in june 2009). you know me. you like me. you either want to date me or you don't. i'm tired of being strung along. guy after guy after guy. it always happens. the only problem with this ultimatum is i'm worried it's gonna end the same as all the others: "i really like you, but now's not a good time for me. let's stay friends." i really, really don't want this to happen with him. probably more so than i didn't want this to happen with any of the others.

my roommate talks to her boyfriend via webcam a lot. it doesn't bother me at all, but i wish i had a webcam and someone i cared about who really cared about me to talk back and forth with. man. now i'm really regretting not getting the webcam option on my computer. i suppose i could go buy one, but i don't really want to. haha.

i have to leave for class in ten minutes. then i'll be in class for four straight hours. it would've been nearly seven straight hours had i not dropped theatre. it was a bittersweet deal. on the one hand, i really wanted to take the class cause i love theatre, but i didn't have the time to put the effort in and i really didn't want to be in class for that long. i'd feel like i was in high school again. lame.

i think freshman year of college makes you emotional. i thought it was just me last year, but i've been watching these freshmen come through (i mean, i am in the freshman dorm. they're the people i interact with every day) and i've seen so many breakdowns and frustrations over pretty insignificant things. well, i guess they're significant enough, but things that wouldn't have phased me before i started going here, and no longer phase me because i've gotten past that stage. it's almost like back at the restaurant, and the first really busy day you work. you're not used to it, so it's more stressful and frustrating cause you haven't gotten used to managing your time and keeping up with the flow of things. but once you've been there for a while and seen many a busy night, you're more calm. you know what to expect, and you don't let little things that once seemed huge bother you.

i wish i could've gone to the beach one more time before "summer" was officially over. well, happy labor day. why do we have classes again?

wrong.

i feel like when i'm replaying last year over in my head, i'm watching a favorite tv show that's gone of the air. like "friends," for instance. i can collect the dvds. i can watch re-run after re-run, but the stories all end the same. now, those characters have gone on to live imaginary lives that the writers can barely dream about. no new season's going to come out, and i'm in the spin-off, "joey." who knows what will become of it? will it be a success? so far it's nothing like the original, except for a few of the members of the cast. and i mean VERY FEW members of the cast. hardly anyone's back. let me rephrase: hardly anyone i cared about and hung out with is back. dad says i was hanging out with the wrong people, but i don't see it that way. even if i regret being friends with someone (which has only happened in VERY rare occasions), i can never see them as the wrong people. i've realized i've grown so much since this time last year and i owe that all to the people who i knew and became close to. they were my family. they were my rock, my guiding light, my shoulder to lean on. now i'm back and only a few of those people are here with me. so what if they made bad decisions? i know i sure as hell have. does that make me the wrong person? if that's the case, then who are the right people? i think we're all wrong in some way or another, but try to strive for the best anyway.

ithaka.

when you set out for ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
the laistrygonians and the cyclops,
angry poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.

ask that your way be long.
at many a summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, what joy -
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.

have ithaka always in your mind.
your arrival there is what you are destined for.
but don't in the least hurry the journey.
better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting ithaka to give you wealth.
ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
without her you would not have set out.
she hasn't anything else to give you.

and if you find her poor, ithaka hasn't deceived you.
so wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood what these ithakas mean.

euphoria.

i'm insanely happy right now. and i'm genuinely excited about things (which a while back, i was worried about when i realized i couldn't get excited over anything). i'm ready to go back to school. i'm ready to see everyone. i'm so excited to go to clemson in september then come back home and see the spirit singers at the opera house. i'm excited that tomorrow's my last day of work (though, not too excited if i end up working the party upstairs).

i'm really excited that there's a song called "catherine the waitress." i'm excited that it's now on my ipod. so what if they spelled the name differently? how many people can say their name and job are both in the title of a song? i'm guessing not many.

all i know is, that i'm really happy to be me right now. i could get used to this feeling.

EDIT: I found the poem "Ithaka" my Human Experience professor handed out to us on the last day of classes for last fall. basically, it reminds us to look forward to things in the future, but not to live exclusively in the future because the future never comes. if you keep saying "i'll be happier when i'm __(fill in the blank)__" you'll never actually get to the being happy part. this, among many others, is a line i'm learning to walk.

i feel very zen in that i'm all about balance right now.

insomnia.

i can't begin to explain how tired i am. yet for some reason, i can't get to sleep. maybe there's too much on my mind. and maybe it's cause "waking up in vegas" is stuck in my head. not exactly a soothing, relaxing song.

i've been contemplating transferring for a good portion of the summer now. i don't really know why. i love winthrop. maybe it's just all the fun i have when i go up to clemson. and i do realize that if i transferred i'd have to do the whole class thing up there and it wouldn't be the way it is when i visit. i think once i get back to winthrop, i'll forget about that. let's be honest, i have no idea why i would choose clemson; my blood bleeds garnet and black. my usc-loving eyes couldn't take staring at orange all year.

i really hope next week once classes start i won't be awake at 3:45 AM. i feel like this couldn't be a worse time for my sleep schedule to start acting up like this.

i've decided i want to get a pet fish and name her nessie. (like the loch ness monster... ha. ha.) ok, i thought it was clever.

ugh. i guess i'll try to go asleep again. ha. let's see how well that works out for me.

consciousness, pt. 4

it's been an amazing weekend. i'm ready for next week though :)

watching teen cribs makes me wanna be friends with those people, but not at the same time. i feel like they can probably get a little bratty.

mountain dew + coconut parrot bay = gooooood.

this is post number 69 which i find pretty hilarious.

i just did one of the scariest things i can think of. no, not bungee jumping. i told a guy how i really feel. eek. i would really like for him to respond that he has mutual feelings, instead of just saying that he'll come see me one weekend. i need definite here, people!

ok, i just got a little ballsier. asked him if all this meant "i like you too." ohhh god. my stomach is filled with butterflies right now.

ship.

so i have a ship. a ship that has not yet sailed. and on board this ship are all my "want to please everyones," my "want everyone to like mes," and my "want to spare everyone else's feelings-s."

this ship is about to set sail. and i can't tell you how relieved i am to be steering it away from shore.

consciousness, pt. 3

i want a typewriter. i know where one is that i could probably have, but alas it has no ribbon in it. and i don't know where to begin looking for one of those.

i'm re-reading the phantom tollbooth again. hmm. i think i'll re-read island of the blue dolphins next. these past couple weeks are all about re-visiting childhood favorites apparently.

dove dark chocolate is more heavenly than the milk chocolate in my opinion.

i'm getting a printer and a portable hard drive tomorrow! i don't know why i'm so excited for this.

i wanna say something about this music i'm listening to, but i can't really think of any words for it.

after watching stranger than fiction today, i'm more convinced than ever that i want to be a writer. also, i want a british accent.

*jeopardy theme song.*

i'm done.

allyson.

i finally watched bride wars today and i have to say that it has been a long time since a movie about two best friends has hit so close to home with me. not to say that i've ever personally been in this situation. i'm only 18 and no where near close to any sort of marriage ceremony. but the last lines in the movie really got to me:

sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.

and it made me think about the one person who's been standing beside me for as long as i can remember; my best friend: allyson. she is the liv to my emma. i had forgotten how much she meant to me over the past year, what with not seeing her basically every day. and i am so excited for this semester because I KNOW i'll be visiting her wayyy more than i did last year, because going to see her as much as i possibly can is what i should've been doing all along.

You inspire me because you've proved to me that friendship doesn't have to die eventually, and there is such a thing as a lifelong friend and that love can last forever, even if it is hetero-life mate love. I'm pretty sure you're my soul mate :)
-allyson

direction.

i really need to stop texting so much. it wasn't my fault this time, though. i wanted to answer the phone, but i was at work and texting is my only means of communication there. so i was forced to have a conversation i would've much rather had in person or over the phone by texting, but that's what had to happen.

by talking to someone else about this, i came to the conclusion last week that, although i've been doing this whole "soul-searching, figuring out who i am thing" this summer, i've been going about it all wrong. i've been spending time with myself, alone, trying to come up with answers that just weren't there because i was alone.

last week at salkehatchie i was surrounded by my friends and people who cared for me literally 24/7. for seven days. it was there that i realized that all my problems stemmed from me being alone. i'm much more of a people person than i thought i was. i've always thought that i was one of those people that could spend hours upon days upon weeks by myself, without taking a break and hanging out with my friends and the people i care about. i've come to realize that this is why in some of my darkest hours i couldn't console or fix myself; because i was going about it alone. i never asked for help. i never called up anyone just to hang out or chat about something, to take my mind off of how lonely i was feeling. i didn't realize that what i was feeling at those times was even loneliness. i just thought there was something wrong with me and i didn't want to bother the people around me with my problems. now i know that my friends and family are there for me, they want to help me in my hours of need. they don't want me to be lonely if they can do anything about it. until now, i had never realized that the people i love are way more important to my sanity than i had ever thought possible and now i know i've been taking them for granted entirely too much. well, never again.

i think i found what i was looking for this summer. i've still got a ways to go on this journey, but i finally know which direction i'm going in.

approval.

note to self: don't die.
haha oh, ryan adams. you crack me up.

i've been pretty textually active lately. a recent conversation:
friend: this girl that ross is hitting on is so hot...sorry, i just had to tell someone. lol.
me: lol. i can see where i'd be the first one you'd want to tell that.
friend: well, i was already in a conversation with you.
me: it's ok. i get told quite frequently that other girls are hot.
friend: do you ever get told YOU are hot and or beautiful?

anyone who knows me knows that i have struggled endlessly with how i look. "i'm too pale. i'm too fat/chunky. my hair is weird. i wish i didn't have so many freckles" all are sentences i've muttered at some point or another in my lifetime, along with many others. when my friend asked me this question, i thought back. and at first, i only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." then i thought a little harder. and i realized i get told i'm beautiful/hot almost as frequently as i get told others are. and i came to this conclusion: i can't take a compliment. anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, i blush a little and quickly change the subject. i don't deny them, but i don't thank them either. i simply brush it off as if it was never said.

which led me to realize something else: all these years, i haven't been seeking others' approval of my looks. if i had, the first old lady to tell me i look beautiful or teenage boy to tell me i look hot would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way i look. instead, i've been trying to secure my own approval. i've been trying to convince myself that i am not an ugly person. i'm my own worst critic, and i've just now begun to realize this.

as conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if i can't even accept the fact that i'm beautiful the way i am?

excitement.

so in the few hours i had before i had to show up for work today, i took a drive around town. it didn't take long at all, but i ended up going past the place where i went to daycare and the park my sister and i used to go to all the time. naturally, feelings of nostalgia overwhelmed me. all i could remember was darting around that playground, the second we got there, from jungle gym to see saw to swings. i acted as though in the next second, the thing i wanted to play on was going to disappear before i could get to it. and the excitement that came over me as i moved from place to place was hard to ignore and still one of the things i remember the most.

i envy the younger me that excitment. she was excited for the park. for the things at the park. to come home from school. to go to school. to read a new book. for those field trips. for computer day. for art day. for middle school to start.

somewhere in all the bustle of growing up, though, i lost that excitment. i mean, right now, salkehatchie is literally less than 12 hours away, something i look forward to every year, and the only excitement i can come up with is when i'm around other people, feeding off of their excitement.

i tried to come up with reasons as to why i rarely ever feel this emotion anymore. i can't help but think it's because i'm so used to disappointment, that it's become easier to just not care anymore. and now, i think that's the saddest thing going on in my life right now. i'm too used to disappointment to feel excitement about anything. i've grown so accustomed to having the thing that i want snatched away from me by someone else; and now, i'm pretty positive i've stopped trying altogether. before today, i thought it was okay to be as laid back as i am. only now have i begun to realize that being "laid back" is just another term for "not caring." and i can't help but wonder: if i don't care about my life, who will?

funky.

i'm in a funk.


good thing the piano got tuned.

roles.

i'm having a "scrubs" kinda day. not in that i feel like my life is an episode of "scrubs," but i just feel like getting about five seasons on DVD and watching them back to back.

i found this book in my closet called "the girl's guide to loving yourself." pervy jokes aside, i got to thinking about this book and the message it sends out; even though it is directed towards middle/high school girls (you know, the adolescent/early teenage years) i feel like there was a reason for me finding it. i wrote in an earlier blog that i was going to have to do a lot of self-discovery work this summer, but i really don't know if i have. i mean, if i have it hasn't made a difference at all.

we talked about this acting coach in my theater class this past semester and his theory was that our life is just one role that we're continuously playing. so, theoretically, you could switch roles if you ever felt the need to. i feel like i don't want to entirely switch roles, but my current role could definitely use a bit of a make-over. personality wise. i mean, it's worth a shot.

ohhhh and i was looking through random blogs and found this:
Welcome to the story of my life...

This is the chapter where the only boys who show interest in me are ones who have girlfriends.

I'm ready for the end of this chapter.
i'm living this chapter. i want it to end as well. i wonder how things worked out for her?

why.

why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that someone may like me?

EDIT: i need to stop falling for guys with girlfriends.

consciousness, pt. 2

i just watched havoc for the first time, and actually enjoyed the movie. no, i don't think i wasted almost 2 hours of my life.

i have a list of movies i wanna see before i go back to school. so i'm having to go to blockbuster and i was thinking earlier whether or not 3 movies for $12 for a week is fair. oh well. we all have to make money somehow.

i also rented the black dahlia and zodiac. i almost rented bride wars also, but i feel like it would've had nothing in common with the other movies.

what good is it being accepted into the national scholars honor society if they won't even give you a freakin scholarship? that's the whole reason i wanted to be in your silly club. now you can't even give back a little? jerks.

my dog's snoring. i didn't know dogs did that. sarah and i had a conversation about how dogs become like your siblings, so when they die it's like losing a brother or sister. which really sucks cause they don't live nearly as long as humans do.

you'd think if someone was labelled as the "zodiac killer" they would have killed their victims in some way that's related to the zodiac. call me crazy, but i find serial killers fascinating. for a while i was really interested in the whole "jack the ripper" case. hm. maybe i should be a detective.

somebody.

ugh. i hate the expression "wake up and be somebody." like, just because i'm in bed, i'm not offically a person yet? i have to get up to even be counted? gee, thanks mom and dad. you're the only people i know who use that phrase anymore.

i realized tonight at work how much small talk is involved in my job (i wait tables at a local restaurant). but i had never noticed the small talk thing until after seeing a video posted on postsecret.com. the video's on youtube and it's a research documentary a girl did on anonymity. she claims that through online sites such as postsecret and project mortified we are looking to become connected with one another, as a human race, with the strangers around us. she points out that throughout most of the day, we interact with strangers; i.e., waiting in line, at the check-out counter, on the bus.

but back to the small talk. whenever greeting someone, whether i know them or not, it's become habitual for me to say "hi, how are you?" and then expect an answer like "fine" or "well." so why did this habit start if i never actually cared about the person's response, since people always responded in the same way? it was tonight i realized people didn't always respond the same way at all. sure, with their words they did, but not with their facial expressions, their posture, their eyes. by looking past what the person is just saying, i got a sense of what they really meant. i think that with small talk, subconsciously, we're letting strangers and the world around us know how we really are, our real story, all by using the mask of politeness; so that maybe, when we really need it most, someone will notice what's behind the mask and try to help a fellow human being.

short.

this is the third time i've come to this website today, with something to say and then fallen short when it came time to type it all out.

i saw "nick and norah's infinite playlist" today and something one of the guys in nick's band said really stuck in my head: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

maybe the reason i remember it so vividly is because it's about the beatles. but i'd like to think it's because it's got a lot of truth behind it. (not the song being their first single, that's not true, but the rest of it is). maybe the reason i've had so much trouble in the love department is because i've been so focused on looking for the biggest part of it: someone to love unconditionally and be with for a good long run. i haven't looked for someone to just hold hands with. i didn't think i would need someone who isn't in it for the long run, but maybe someone who will make my life more enjoyable for just a short while is enough for now.

at the moment, i just want someone to hold hands with.

postsecret-esque.

i feel like i should write something. because i feel like i have something to say. hm. i feel like doing one of those little confession things like on postsecret.com. so, here goes, i guess.

sometimes i wish i actually was diagnosed with depression, so i'd have a reason as to why i stay in bed all day.

while i'm doing this, i'm looking at the postsecret website for ideas on what to write here.

i've thought about becoming a teacher just to stick with the same general schedule i have now. i hate change that much.

i accidentally hit a van in the parking lot at the movies and when my dad asked me about the damage, i pretended like i didn't see anything and had no idea what he was talking about.

i know i won't be happy unless i pursue a career in either art or acting, but i'm afraid i'll just be one of the many other hopefuls that fail in attempting such a career.

i'm not afraid of death. i'm not even afraid of not knowing what comes after we die. but i am worried that nothing will come after this life.

i just saw the most amazingly beautiful humanitarian story:
Dear Frank,

Tonight I was at Artomatic. On the metro ride home, there was a girl - quite beautiful - with dyed hair and heavy eye makeup but not enough to cover up that something was the matter. She was eying her wrists then looking around. I wish I knew her story. I wish I could help. So on a card I wrote

Dear Friend, Though this is cliche, it has helped me to think the night is darkest just before the dawn.

As she was getting off the metro she dropped a little PRIDE flag and as I picked it up, handed it to her and said, "I think you dropped something." I handed her the card.
and it inspired me. i am going to carry an empty post card with me from now on, just in case i see someone in need of what this girl needed.

stuff like this ^^ reminds me of just how much faith i have in humanity, despite it's flaws.

i do things like this so people will think i'm more creative than i am.

kindred.

i went up to my grandma's house a few days ago, and being the only one there of my generation (for the most part) gave me a LOT of time to think about different things (don't worry, all good this time).

kindred spirit is a term for someone who shares similar thoughts, feelings, someone who is close in temperament and nature to yourself, to whom you have a rare spiritual link that is very special and you can't quite explain.
-wikipedia

isn't it weird how someone you've never met can make such a huge impact on you? i mean, just their presence makes you stop, pay attention to what they're doing, and you begin to wonder what their life's all about. what's their story? is it in any way intertwined with yours? this happened to me while i was at books-a-million. mom and grandmom went over to stein-mart after we had all gotten books, and i decided to stay behind and start reading mine. so i got a coffee and went to sit outside in their sitting area. about a minute after i went outside, the guy working at the coffee station and another guy who had just gotten to work (i overheard that part) came out for a smoke break. it was the guy who had just come in that caught my attention. he was dressed in plaid and jeans, with tattoos going up his arms. he looked like the type to have his septum pierced (or anything on his face pierced for that matter), but he didn't. another girl came out to smoke with them and while the coffee guy and the girl chatted on to no end, the guy in plaid just kind of sat there, alone in his own world (it seemed) much as i had been all day. i was taken aback by how much i felt for this guy. never having met him, i still felt i knew him on some level. maybe this was what that girl at the ray-ban store meant by sensing a kindred spirit in me. maybe i was sensing a kindred spirit in him.

i also felt the need to prove to this guy that i was not the preppy high schooler i know i looked like at the moment. so i lit a cigarette, made sure the cover of my book (ernest hemingway's short stories) was visible at all times, and tried to send out the same vibe i was getting from him.



we ate lunch in this restaurant that's kind of in a gated community, but kind of not. they're building all these new houses on the river that no one can really afford in this sort of economy. but they now have almost all of them built and a few stores up in there. it made me feel like i was in an episode of desperate housewives.

boy-crazy.

i have a serious "want what i can't have" problem. when are they gonna start making medication for this?

holly: you mean you're rude?
daniel: yeah, but now it's a disease i can take medication for.
holly: they have pills for rudeness?
daniel: i know...and they can't figure out the middle east. go figure.
-p.s. i love you

i never figured i'd end up being one of those boy-crazy girls. and most of the time, i don't believe myself to be one. but then it kinda all hits me at once. bleh. currently, i've got four problems: a, b, c, and d. b's been phased out entirely. a is almost there. but, damn c and d.

problem a: no, bff, he's not a douchebag. i just didn't handle that nearly as i should have. for that, problem a, i apologize. you're an amazing friend. i really do love you for that.
problem b: you're probably the one guy i ever regret fooling around with. yes, that includes the one who continues to pretend i don't exist. i mean, really? how was i that stupid to believe a word you said?
problem c: ha. it seems the only problem you and i have is your girlfriend. don't act like you didn't feel a connection between us. i guess i'll just take the role of friend. for now.
problem d: why? why? WHY? every single time i talk to you, you make a point of saying you're with your girlfriend. yes, i know you're in a relationship. yes, i know you're very happy. i just wish i would've told you how i felt before your relationship happened.

humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them.
-dumbledore

playlist.

summer 2009:
here comes the sun -the beatles
snakes on a plane -cobra starship
hey oh tonight -norwegian recycling
sleepyhead -passion pit
along for the ride -matraca berg
blood, pt 2 -buck 65 remix
already gone -sugarland
sooner or later -michael tolcher
i'm beginning to see the light -kelly rowland
the coast -sequoyah prep school
loose lips -kimya dawson
december 1963 (oh what a night) -frankie valli & the four seasons
salvation -the cranberries
new shoes -paolo nutini
when -shania twain
don't push love away -the juliana theory
lights off -the dears
tremble for my beloved -collective soul
a forrest -lunar click
life is a highway -rascal flatts
saturday nite -blitzen trapper
the freshmen -the verve pipe
everytime we touch -cascada
like a child -all get out
what will you do when your suntan starts to fade -beulah

poetry.

called her last night
and i read her a line from my favorite book of poetry
and i, i started to cry
she asked me what was wrong
don't worry, it's not you, it's me
i never knew
half the stories told to me
stories like the sun is blue
and i, i never knew
half the time i spent with her
i wish to god i spent it all with you

she called me last night
she read me a line from her favorite book of poetry
and i, she started to cry
i said what's wrong with you
she said don't worry, it's not you, it's me
well it's plain to see
every time you look at me
you wish to god it was her with you
well i never knew
all the time you look at me
i wish to god i gave her away from you
see my baby now
all the poetry is written about you somehow
and every time i read the little line of poetry
i just think about just you and me

she called me last night
and we talked for what seemed like the very first time
and we, we began to see
life is too short to run away
from everything, she reads
i don't know what you've done to me
i don't care anymore, can't you see
i just want love, just want love
it's not hard, just let me know
because every time i read a line from the book
i realize the poetry, that poetry was written about you and me
all this poetry is written about just you and me.
-o.a.r.

consciousness.

i love stream of consciousness stuff. random, i know, but i really have nothing else to do right now.

i keep getting these terrible headaches. they're not migranes, but they sure are killer. maybe i should go to the doctor. eh, it's probably just lack of sleep.

i don't know why i haven't listened to more christine fellows before. she really is an amazing artist.

i get to wake up at 7AM tomorrow. i can't remember the last time i was up that early. but, i do get to go face paint at the school my mom teaches at's field day. those little kids really are adorable. it gives me an inferiorty complex sometimes though, cause a lot of the 5th graders are taller than me. hah.

i love it when guys are your friends, but they don't try to get in contact with you until late hours of the night. i mean, does he really think i'm oblivious enough not to see right through him to what he really wants out of me? i'd really like to believe that guys and girls can just be friends, but lately i've been thinking that's not the case at all. well, speak of the devil. sorry __insert name here__, but we're never going down that road.

strength.

facebook hates me. it's a fact.
i am taking this nice, long summer vacation to get a certain someone out of my mind, but naturally there's something about them every single effing day in that little side column, which of course makes me want to facestalk them. this causes great internal conflict as to whether i should or not.

if i could, you know i would
if i could i would let you go.
-u2

so work's proving to be completely overrated, as usual. i've only been back two days and i'm already sick and tired of that place. love love love the people there (well, minus my boss), but the work part can just go.

i'm in this play now called "the ladies of rosemont" about all these women who are buried in a local cemetary. the idea of the play is "if you could stand up [after you've died] and send out one message about your entire life, what would it be?" then, the woman who wrote the play has challenged us to write a monologue from the p.o.v. of women in our own families, and we'll perform those as well. these are the women i'm portraying:
->mary starke kennedy, a society woman [who i'm pretty sure killed her husband] who lavished in all the luxuries of the wealthy southerners
->stella whitmire, who wanted to be famous but instead fell in love and stayed in the little town she was born in
->annie wallace carpenter, a woman who suffered from alzheimers; although she didn't see it as suffering, she was perfectly content living believing there was nothing wrong with her
->martha mcgaha wise, the eldest daughter in a family of four who lived her whole life taking care of her family until she married at the age of 64
->matilda jeter fair, who married a man named charlie after his first love had died
->carrie bedenbaugh, a meddling mother who was always told by her children "moma, mind your own business"
->elberta mize, who worked herself to death taking care of her husband who suffered a stroke

i'm thinking i'm going to write mine on my great-grandmother. she was the oldest child and her parents died young, leaving her the prime caregiver for her younger siblings. her sister was murdered. she eloped and moved out of her home when she was 17 years old.

it's just amazing looking back at all these women's lives and seeing them come alive again to tell their story. this city's past is really fascinating.

college.

soooo i found this list while i was googling something else (and got distracted), but there's a lot of truth to the words here. i don't know, i guess i'm just feeling homesick for wu and all the people i left behind there, so here goes:

what i've really learned in college:

1) your new friends might not seem as good as the old at first but, soon enough, they become your family.
i've learned that your college friends become a kind of family: you eat meals together, you get drunk together, fight together, laugh and cry and do absolutely nothing together - until you can't remember how you ever survived without them in the first place.

2) you are constantly saying goodbye. and leaving never gets easier.
saying goodbye is easy. knowing what you're leaving behind is tough.
i've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replace having been there, memories (good or bad) will bring tears, and words can never replace those feelings.

3) something very important to remember is that while you will be saying "i'll be seeing you" a lot, you might not see your best friends for months at a time. however, please remember that distance never separates two hearts that really care and no matter what, those friends are always there for you.

4) missing somebody never gets easier. sometimes it really does hurt. and you realize just how much reminds you of those you miss.

5) things are gonna change. change is not always bad, so remember to never give up.
something has changed within me, something is not the same and that is good because i am happy here.

6) nap time is a MUST!! 8am classes are killer.

7) hide the rum cause it's not allowed in your dorm rooms.

8) it's ok to believe. you'd be surprised how many others are with you.

9) while you love your friends, you will still find that you have to face it, girls are evil whores.

10) you might feel old, but you really aren't. we're only in college for a short period of time. be young while you still have the chance.
live a little. you can't be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.

11) be yourself. there is nobody around telling you what to do or who to be, so why wouldn't you?
trust yourself a little more.

12) sometimes i reach my breaking point and every now and then i fall apart. that's okay.

13) the library is a great place to study.

14) whoa, do we watch a lot of tv.

15) music=life. you walk around listening to your music constantly, it's your soundtrack.

16) you will always have your memories. as long as you don't look back wishing you would have done something different; instead smile, put your head up high, and look forward to a future that awaits. memories are wonderful to have.

these are just the surface. just remember that life is beautiful.

donor.

i gave blood for the first time today, which considering my relationship with blood (as in, the smell of it makes me nauseous) probably wasn't the best idea. but, it was in memory of danielle, so i figured it was time to man up and do a good thing in memory of a great person. i was pretty proud of myself for not passing out. wahooo...mission accomplished. :)

remember.

remember where you came from.

but don't live in the past.
it's a fine line i'm trying to learn to walk.

desperation.

ugh.

why? why? why? why? why? why? WHY??

*bangs head against desk*

why is it that every time i start feeling good, feeling on the right track, feeling like i'm not suffocating in this godforsaken little town does something come along and knock me right back down?!?!

i absolutely HAVE to get an apartment or house or cardboard box to live in somewhere other than newberry next summer. i don't think i can handle another summer at home after this one. and it's not even june!

what the fuck.

optimism.

this summer's starting to turn around.

i've got 2 (maybe 3) possible jobs almost lined up: working in the pro shop at newberry county country club on weekends, working at dad's plant during the week, and maybe JUST MAYBE waitressing at steve's weeknights. i'll be a busy one.

i'm finally starting to get over the whole "not going to bonnaroo thing" because "i'm too immature" and i "won't have any shelter" because i'll "be camping" and honestly my dad just really "doesn't understand the point." okay, it's still a touchy subject, but believe me, it's gotten better.

aaaand i've finally gotten back in the theatre game; auditioned today for "the ladies of rosemont" at the ritz, which is playing june 25th through either the 28th or the 29th. either way, i'm excited!!!!

insomnia.

i can't sleep. so why not write yet another blog (my 5th within 24 hours)? heh. and i said i didn't want to be a writer.

but, go figure, i can't think of anything to write about.

balls.

appearance.

she's smiling. is she happy? she looks happy, so what does it matter?
-mona lisa smile


i'm getting a new hair style soon!! ^^something like this^^. i'm pretty excited. who knows what else will change?

wanderers.

to change for others is to lie to yourself.

i'm on a roll today.

this is our decision, to live fast and die young.
we've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.
-mgmt

why is it that no one my age seems to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives? are we doomed to be a generation of jobless wanderers simply because we don't want to follow in the footsteps of the generations before us who went on to hold jobs that they now dread going to each morning? i suppose i can't speak for everyone. i know plenty of people who know what they want to be, but it seems the majority is still trying to figure that one out. maybe in a few years it will suddenly become crystal clear what we're meant to do, what we're meant to become. but until then, what?

not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image.
-mona lisa smile

settling.

i've got a hunger
twisting my stomach into knots
that my tongue has tied off.
my brain's repeating,
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
but they never make it past my mouth.

this is the sound of settling,
this is the sound of settling,
this is the sound of settling

our youth is fleeting,
our old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go gray
and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say
-death cab

i don't ever want to settle for the things in my life, but i feel it's inevitable. i've realized that i just don't have the strength in me i thought i did...















...i'm weak.

angels.

i went and saw angels and demons yesterday. it was pretty epic. although, now i feel i need to go back and read the book because ally kept asking me what some differences were between the book and the movie and i'd start off every sentence with "well, i think..." pretty unacceptable.

i had to help out today with a graduates luncheon my church always does for the seniors about to graduate high school. one of the first things their speaker said was "you can't be anything you want." it just isn't possible. but you can and will do what you were born to do, using whatever talents you may possess. this really got me thinking about being an english major and how i really don't think that's what i want to do anymore. i don't want to be a writer, despite how much i love writing, i just couldn't do it for a living. so now one of the first things i'm going to do when i get back up to wu is change my major. again. i just have no idea what to. i think i'm going to have a lot of self discovery going on this summer.

stones taught me to fly,
love taught me to lie,
life taught me to die.
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball...
it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
-damien rice

silence.

i've decided to take a vow of silence (whenever i'm in my house or around my parents) in mourning of all the great times that i could have had at bonnaroo this year.

when will it end? june 14.

and until my vow of silence is over, the only playlist i'm listening to will be the one i made consisting of all the artists playing at bonnaroo this year (that i had on my computer, i'll probably be adding more later).

hey, it could be worse. at least i'm not doing a hunger strike.

to-do.

summer to do list:
1. keep in touch with people. you know how much you suck at being by yourself.
2. keep a journal. you may, however, not use the phrases: "nothing happened today," "my life is boring," "my life would be more exciting if...". and don't insult yourself, even if this means resulting to the third grade journal writing technique ("i did this... then this...")
3. finish reading all the books you just organized.
4. be nicer to your family.
5. get out of the house for at least an hour every day. stop being lazy.


this might just be crazy enough to work.


what were you doing in my dream last night, honey?
well i thought i locked that door up tight, baby.
-the pierces

humorous.

humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
-mark twain

so i've recently gotten addicted to collegehumor.com (jake and amir to be more precise). hot damn those cats are funny.

i'm being eaten alive by mosquitos. es no bueno.

i think this past week was like a worst case scenario for how my summer could be. however, this coming week will be a BLAST and hopefully the rest of the summer will be likewise. just because i'm missing winthrop like crazy and have to keep myself busy to avoid becoming too depressed doesn't mean i shouldn't enjoy myself while i still have summer vacations. i mean, who knows what kind of demanding job i'll have once i graduate that will force me to work during the long, hot summer months?

oh, and i saw two new movies recently:
x-men origins: wolverine -- 9.5 (i'm pretty bummed about the whole ryan reynolds thing. sue me.)
without a paddle 2: nature's calling -- 3 (hey, it had it's moments)

humor is just another defense against the universe
-mel brooks

mistake.

i think i made a mistake with the english major. i don't write much anymore and i have no idea what i'm going to do with it. gah, why can't i be good at something that has definite, solid, safe career choices? more importantly, why can't i figure out what i want to do?? most important: why am i thinking about this at the beginning of my summer vacation...why can't i just relax??????


the future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. the future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.

tattoo.

<-this is the tattoo i want to get.

but i can't decide if i want it on my left hip or on the inside of my left arm. i DO know that also want a peace sign on the back of my neck. weeeeeee i'm excited!!

p.s. ha. my sister figured out what it was for the second she saw the drawing. hopefully, the parentals won't be so sly.

chicken.

you know what's wrong with you? you're chicken. you're afraid to stick out your chin and say 'okay, life's a fact. people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' you call yourself a free spirit and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. well, baby, you're already in that cage. you built it yourself. it's wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.
-breakfast at tiffany's

petrified.

you say you want a revolution? well, you know, we all wanna change the world.
-the beatles

i HATE confrontation. with a passion. it makes me physically sick sometimes to have to deal with it. but i'm afraid it's going to have to happen sometime this week with two of the people i love the most: my parents.

i was sitting in spanish today, going over the details of a conversation i had with them about going to bonnaroo. currently, this is the way i'm seeing it: i'm 18. i'm willing and able to pay for my ticket. i have a ride. i no longer live with my parents for the majority of the year. and yet, i'm still asking their permission to go. it doesn't add up at all.

needless to say, this has to stop. and i have to be the one to tell them. and that petrifies me. so, i have to break apart from the united parents kingdom and declare my independence as the united states of kathryne.

guard your stations, men. there's about to be a revolution.

unpleasant.

bring me a glass of water, it must be good and clean. i'll chug it with the dosage that i'm not to exceed.
-the dears

white finger nail polish, slamming doors, and a tired soul.
this has become all too familiar.
do you understand what i'm saying?
do you even notice i'm speaking at all?
you're not acting the part of a good listener.
but suicide seems all too cliche right now,
so rest easy;
monotony has saved another life.

dependence.

everything i've said up till now,
was all about being on my own
but when you get down to it,
it's awfully lonely being alone.
so maybe you don't feel the same way,
but i need you to hear this too:
during that time i spent alone,
all i ever thought about was you.

freedom.

matchmaker, matchmaker, you've done me wrong
but that's enough of that tired old song
on my own two feet, i now stand
on solid ground, not your shifting sand
my fate is my own, so leave me be
to live forever in my castle by the sea

pillow talk.

i hate it when people ask me if i'm alright. mainly because i hate lying.
i hate being in one place for too long. it gets to be too suffocating.
i hate silver linings. they're always too thin.
i hate real life. why can't it be more like the movies?
i hate being single. ok, i hate being alone, but they tend to go hand in hand.
i hate the drinking laws. do i really need to elaborate here?
i hate being at home. i really don't even consider it home anymore.
i hate how i always spend too much time thinking about one person. why can't i just get over them?
i hate how hard life is. but i hate not knowing what comes after life is over even more.
i hate paradoxes. but i love them at the same time.

i never knew what it was
about this old coffee shop i love so much
all of the while i never knew
all of the while
all of the while it was you
-landon pigg

living.

growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

my mom's cousin said the other day "we used to have fun" after regaling stories of her and my mom when they were younger.

when i'm older, i don't want to say that. i want to say "yeah, i had fun. i'm still having fun." there was just such a longing in her voice. it was as if she really didn't have very much fun anymore. that bothers me. why do people associate growing up with becoming more responsible, and therefore not being able to have fun? can't you have both? i think that this is one cake that i'll be damned if i don't have it and eat it, too.

that's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. they forget. they don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. they patronize, they treat children as inferiors. well i won't do that.
-walt disney

abstract.

lines, shapes, splatters
dancing across canvas
water marks, stretch marks
telling stories of people past
life has gone by
abstract and in motion
remaining still is not an option
and hatred's just a waste
waiting for the right moment
leaves me only wanting
the right moment never stays
it is like a passing wind
stirring up leaves, unattainable, and
gone as quick as it came
so splatter more paint, weave more lines
for when the painting's finished,
a blank canvas will not suffice

possible career choice: writer?

progress.

song #1: time won't let me go
artist: the bravery

this is an interesting "regret" song. it's not things the singer's regretting he did, rather what he didn't do. i know how that goes. i previously wrote about bravery and ultimately holding things in because of fear. out of all the things in my life, the things i regret are the things i didn't do. and that was because of fear. i'm not going to say that i'm going to live without regrets from now on because that's just stupid and i'm not going to say that i'm not going to dwell on those regrets because i just don't think that's possible for me to do. i am going to say, though, that after having been told i was brave by a friend of mine [and me denying this shamefully in my head], that's something i'm going to try to work on. i'm tired of not saying what i want to say or doing what i want to do.

song #2: maintenance hall, 4 a.m.
artist: stars

i actually haven't listened to this song before. so what i'm saying now is out of pure awe. the piano is beautiful. i can't understand what the robot thing in the background is saying, but i'm not really paying attention to it either. this song reminds me of the day of my granddad's funeral. it was a sunny day, but that didn't seem right at all. it felt like i was going through the motions of everything, but i wasn't really there. nothing seemed right. but people kept on going around me, the world kept spinning, marching onward as it always does.

song #3: my name is
artist: eminem

remember back in the day when eminem was cool? or maybe not cool, but taken seriously as a mucisian? yeah, i didn't like him all that much. i still don't like him all that much. regardless, he's on my ipod. mainly because i find his music amusing. but back then, when everyone else was all big on him, i pretended like i knew what they were talking about when they quoted his lyrics. why? i suppose i wanted to be accepted. i wanted to blend in and be cool. now, i embrace my dorkiness. i like what sets me apart from other people. i like and accept that i'm pretty weird. would i have liked to learn this acceptance of myself earlier in life? probably not. i wouldn't be who i am today if i had grown up any differently. and you know what? i kind of like who i am right now.

song #4: god is a dj
artist: p!nk

i love the devil-may-care attitude of this song. one of the biggest problems i've had growing up is caring way too much about what others think of me. i still do it. it's a really hard habit to break. as much as i hate to admit it, the way i feel about myself is usually greatly based on what others think of me. you see, i'm really good at reading people so i can usually tell what they think of me after a conversation or two with them. but right now i'm working on ways i can not be so hard on myself and i'm trying to enjoy being me a little more each day.

song #5: never let you down
artist: the verve pipe

i absolutely hate letting people down. it's one of the worst things i can think to do to someone. the phrase "i'm disappointed in you" is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to me. it would sting the most. but i'm beginning to realize that people make mistakes. as much as i'd like to, i can't be there for everyone and do what's best for me at the same time. for as long as i can remember, i've never put myself first. but a wise man, by the name of bob kelso said it best: "who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? just look into your heart and do whatever the hell makes you happy." since i've never thought about what makes me happy, i've gotten into a jam with the whole major and career thing. as weird as it's going to be, i'm going to have to start putting myself first and doing what's best for me. otherwise, i'm terrified i'm going to be stuck right where i am, not progressing, and never being able to better myself as a person.

surrendering.

when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on

i've had enough.
and i don't know if i can hang on.

unrequited.

why is it that i can't keep a certain person off my mind? why is it that i always want him to pop up in the most random places just so i can be near him? i know it's better for me to not think about things like that, and i'm trying really hard not to dwell on things that are going to hurt me in the long run, but what do you do when your heart and your head are telling you two different things?

the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you
-anonymous

perfection.

they say that nobody is perfect. then they tell you practice makes perfect. i wish they'd make up their minds.
-churchill

why is it that everyone seems to be striving to be something else? to be better, more, a different person entirely. is anyone actually happy with who they are right now? i know i'm not. i know there are a million ways i could be a better, happier, prettier, more successful person. but why do we feel the need to strive for perfection - something we usually see in others, but very rarely see in ourselves?

most people only love you for who you pretend to be. to keep their love, you keep pretending, and you keep performing. you get locked into an image; you get locked into an act. but real love means letting a person be who he really is. when others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. it's a subtle kind of murder, and the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder daily, with smiles on their faces.
-jim morrison

well, you know what? i'm tired of trying to be something, failing, and then being disappointed in myself. it only leads to the self-loathing thing i do which is really starting to get on my nerves.

the thing that is really hard
and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
-anna quindlen

bravery.

there is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
-john wainwright

i really wish i was brave, like you say i am.

if i were brave i would've told my parents about the drinking thing right after it happened. if i were brave i would be able to explain to my mom why i don't tell her every detail of my life, which for some reason is leading her to not be able to trust me. if i were brave i would be able to handle confrontation and i'd be able to tell the people i need to how i really feel about them. if i were brave i'd be able to declare a major without being terrified of the end result. if i were brave i wouldn't let people intimidate me.

take a walk in my shoes before you call me brave. i hold so much in because of fear. sure, you can be brave and be afraid at the same time, but those who actually are brave don't let fear keep them from doing what needs to be done or saying what needs to be said. unfortunately, i do let fear get in my way. all the time. and i really wish i didn't. but, like so many other things, acting and being brave is easier said than done.



with a skip of her heart
and a catch in her breath
she let go in fear

love.

it never fails to surprise me when people are shocked to find out i've never had a boyfriend before. then i start to question why they are so shocked. is it because having your first boyfriend is like a right of passage you are supposed to go through at a certain age and i somehow missed that deadline? is it because it's really that strange to have been single your entire life? maybe it's because i don't like bullshit; i much prefer things that are straight foward and have a point to them. i suppose that's why i never did the "date someone for a week" thing in middle school and why i never fell for the "high school sweethearts" bid.

now, with valentine's day approaching i can't help but think about love. and then i turn to something i wrote nearly two years ago in a journal: another thing i thought a lot about was love. even though i've never actually been in love, it's still something i think about from time to time. many of the people i passed tonight were holding hands or linking arms with their significant others, which only made it more glaringly obvious to me that i was walking down that beach alone.

looking back on things like this makes me wonder what falling in love is really like. who will i fall in love with? will it be forever or a first love? is a first love even really love? or are we just kidding ourselves until our one real love comes along? and that makes me think about what if i'm not even here to experience a first true love? i can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something.

so what is love really? is it all it's cracked up to be?


you may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and everytime tears roll down your cheeks
but i know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved.
-death cab

selfish.

iiiiiii waaannnttt...

to keep my scholarships. (check so far)
this paper to go away. (check)
my biology test over. (check)
to not be in debt. (check)
to have spending money. (check)
a flat stomach. (partial check)
to go to 4th floor tillman.
to understand spanish. (check)
a relationship.
to be happy for more than 24 hours. (check)
a major i can be happy with. (check)
the weekend to be here. now. (check)
the weather to be warmer. (check...for now) (uncheck) (recheck)
a house at the beach.
an escape from my reality.


our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth.
-madeleine l'engle

endings.

my little cousin (who's about 5 now) asked me recently, "kathryne, all stories have happy endings, right?"

my thoughts: "ok. really big lie coming up, but i can't take away the faith he has that everything will be ok in the end."
my words: "of course, jack."

now i can't help but think that what i said isn't a lie. i've come to realize that things may not end up the way you want them to. in fact, things can get downright shitty. but that's not the end. the end is the resolution you come to when you realize things are going to get better, because every ending also comes with a beginning, a fresh start. and, for me, the feeling of hope that comes with realizing that things are going to be better outweighs any bad thing that may have just occurred. hope is what has kept me going and hope is what makes sure i always have a happy ending.

aspiration

i wanna be able to do stuff like this:





possible career choice: photographer?

nostalgia.

i miss this.





salkehatchie countdown: 170 days

pessimism.

i suppose sometimes it only takes a brisk walk with some good music to feel better. of course, i've been having these ups and downs for years, so it's probably only a matter of time before i feel worse again.

yeah, kathryne. that's the spirit.


well, heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
so live for the moment.
and take this advice, live by every word,
love's completely real,
so forget anything that you have heard,
and live for the moment now.

still.

i don't feel alive anymore. i just feel like i'm taking up space while life continues to go on around me. i go through day to day motions, react to people, and sometimes throw in my own two cents, but it's like i'm on autopilot. i don't feel in control, yet i don't feel the rush of being out of control. sometimes i don't even feel like my life's worth living anymore.


woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
i thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that i said i'd do
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
i just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on

i let the day go by
i always say goodbye
i watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
the night is here and the day is gone
and the world spins madly on

i thought of you and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

tired.

i'm tired of not knowing what i want.
i'm tired of the ups and downs i go through on a daily basis.
i'm tired of feeling alone.
i'm tired of seeing everyone around me happily in relationships.
i'm tired of feeling one way when it would be better for me to feel another.
i'm tired of thinking about death.
i'm tired of letting kisses fool me.
i'm tired of hooking up with guys and them not being able to look me in the eye later.
i'm tired of hearing 'don't get your hopes up again.'
i'm tired of feeling like the third wheel.
i'm tired of having to have alcohol to be able to say what i want to.
i'm tired of south carolina.
i'm tired of leading a monotonous life.
i'm tired of being broken.
i'm tired of not being able to be fixed.


i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me,
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now.
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

falling.

i'm tired of people yelling and secretly hating each other. loud curses don't go unheard through these paper thin walls. i have a headache from the stuffiness of this place. anger and tears are getting to be too much to bear. i'm tired of hours later, after a few drinks, pretending like nothing went wrong and everything's alright. i'm ready to leave. i'm ready to go back home...that campus is more home to me than this house ever was.


i fell for you
i fell for you
why?
i guess i wanted to play too.

faith.

i thought i had lost it, but i guess it's still here. i had to defend my faith today and that made me realize this. boy, there's nothing like realizing it wasn't gone, only lying dormant within me. ok, so i'm not the perfect example. i don't pray or read the bible every day. i practically bask in sin. but, hey, it's a start. and i'm going to try harder to be better at doing what i have to do for this.

i used to think that part of being christian was having this huge life-altering moment of being saved. that's what everyone talks about in their personal testimonies, anyway. that could be what happens to some people, i suppose. but maybe, just maybe, it's also about being saved a little each day. maybe it's about waking up and remembering you have this wicked cool dad whose already done so much for you and whose gonna love you and forgive you, no matter what...all you have to do is ask and believe and try to do better next time.

i just, i can't understand atheism, y'know? this feeling is pretty amazing. why would someone purposefully shy away from that? why, in a world where everything seems to be going downhill would a person try to avoid a constant stream of hope?

hurt.

no one ever wants the person who hurt them to see how badly they've been hurt.
-ted, scrubs.


the truth behind these words astounds me.
i want the faith i used to have. i don't know when or how i lost it, but i want it back. my faith in god, in people, in myself. i'm really not sure what i'm living for anymore. life has just sort of become a habit.

drifting.

i wanna sing
while the ocean sleeps
i wanna feel
what it's like to be free.
i wanna see
what you see in me
i wanna know
how i feel severely.
i feel lost
somehow i'm drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again.
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out of here
i see the tide is coming
don't let it take you away from me.
-hope

i have no other words to say. this song describes it all perfectly.

madness.

bah. insomnia blows.

how do you kick someone out of your head? i've been asking politely, but apparently that's not working.


hm. i think i've gone mad.

alice: would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?
chesire cat: that depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
alice: i don't much care where.
chesire cat: then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
alice: ...so long as i get somewhere.
chesire cat: oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

chance.

then: white on black. black on white. leave shades of grey. falling into this dream. images flying past in my shades of grey. lay down lightly in the grass. you at my side, plucking at a guitar. i turn to say something. you're gone. the music plays on.

now: downward spiral. the peaceful field is gone. black swirls with my darkest shades of grey. the music is faint, but still there. look up. a bright light and i move toward it. the music stops and you're speaking, calling me back. but i'm so close to the warmth of the light. should i stay with what's known? am i brave enough to walk in the light and make my flaws known?



with every brush of our lips, comes a roll of the dice.

commitment.

commitment scares me. and i'm not just talking relationships, although those do terrify me as well. i have to declare a major by the end of this semester and i am scared to death of that. having to make this decision of what i want to do is a huge commitment. that's my future. i don't know if it's all about the determination of right and wrong. maybe i am scared to be wrong about myself. maybe what i'm really scared of is being wrong about a huge part of my life. perhaps the concept of wasting time is a big factor in it as well. if i change my mind after making a commitment, then did i not waste all that time i just spent on a different goal? and, like i said, if i was wrong about this huge aspect of my life, then has the time i've spent here on earth been a waste? what have i been doing that is so distracting i can't even begin fathom what would make me happy?

resolution.

i've come to the realization that i shouldn't be left alone with myself. for too long at least. i'm just not very good at being alone without becoming melancholy. and then i start feeling sorry for myself and the people who are forced to associate with me.

i've never much cared for new year's resolutions. i'm terrible at making them. i'm even worse at actually keeping them. but this year, i'm thinking to save myself i'm going to have to. you know how most masochistic people are assumed to be cutters? as in physically hurting themselves? yeah, i'm more of an emotional masochist. whenever i feel it's necessary, i do the equivalent of slitting my wrists with my ego/personality/whatever the hell it is. so new year's resolution?

no more.

no more emotional masochism. no more metaphorically slitting my soul. no more abusing my heart. it's time to get over myself and start being happy for once.