confusion.

since thursday, i've been accused of:
1. getting too clingy/trying to win you back.
2. hating you.
clearly, it's not both, as that would make no sense.
(i'll never be able to convince you of this, but it's actually neither.)

when we broke up, you said you wanted to stay friends.
your actions suggest otherwise.


please, make up your mind which you want.
i can't take this confusion much longer.

UPDATE.

ok, for reals this time.

things are most definitely looking up.

->i have an interview at applebees tomorrow. while i'm not ecstatic about having to work again, having money is gonna be sweet.
->i found out that i CAN'T drop the class i wanted to, but i DO have much more time to finish the paper and service learning i thought i was gonna bomb, giving me much more confidence in my ability to actually finish them and do them well.
->i feel really good about all of my other classes. i'm actually excited about going to them and feel like i'm doing well in them. although, i do think i'm going to give the art minor thing another try. the more i'm getting into psych, the more i'm realizing it's not really my thing.
->i'm also more confident in my choice to change my major to history. in fact, i think i'll do that tomorrow at some point. i love english, but i think i'm going to find a better fit in history.
->my sister and her friend are coming to visit this weekend!! i've missed them so.
->i'm getting to hang out with the best friends ever tonight. this is going to be a night to remember without actually remembering it.
->i'm really learning to let go of the past. i thought i had accomplished this before (for the most part, anyway) but it turns out i was just repressing feelings and, mostly, regrets. now that i've realized this, i've got so much more confidence in my ability to just let things go.
->i feel healthier. i'm eating. i'm eating well. i'm working out. and now, i just feel good.

now, if we could just get a little warm weather, things would be as close to perfect as they've been in a while.

update.

life's swell. my grades are swell. my workouts are swell. my eating habits are swell. my relationships are swell.

i mean, that's all we really wanna hear, right?






paris countdown: t-minus 15 days.
can't. fucking. wait.

boys.

boys are cheats and liars,
they're such a big disgrace.
they will tell you anything
to get to second base...
ball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
if you let him go all the way
then you are a hor...
ticulture studies flowers,
geologist studies rocks.
the only thing a guy wants from you
is a place to put his cock...
roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs.
nothing makes him happier than a giant
pair of jug...
glers and acrobats,
a dancing bear named chuck.
all guys really want to do is...
forget it, no such luck.

-the hot chick

thing.

so i do this thing. it's not something i'm proud of and i don't like it about myself one bit. but, regardless, it's something i do and i can't stop for some reason. so, here goes. i go through periods where i get really tired of the people closest to me. every single thing they do annoys me and it's best if i don't see them during that time period. i hate it when this happens, but it happens nonetheless. with all of my friends.

except for one.

go ahead and take a wild guess who that is.
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give up?
taylor.

idea.

i got this idea from the blog of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend.

(give me a break, i'm bored and procrastinating and i just get so intrigued going from page to page).

i'm going to start a dream blog.
i've always wanted a dream journal, but since i'm not a big fan of writing right when i wake up, it never worked out.


soooo...maybe typing them up will?
but who knows? maybe tomorrow morning when i wake up i'll forget all about it.

and maybe my dreams will start to elude me again. hopefully not though.


http://noreasonsarenecessary.blogspot.com/

hate.

i hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
i hate the way you drive my car.
i hate it when you stare.
i hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind.
i hate you so much it makes me sick;
it even makes me rhyme.
i hate it, i hate the way you're always right.
i hate it when you lie.
i hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
i hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
but mostly i hate the way i don't hate you.
not even close, not even a little bit,
not even at all.

avett.

what witty kids, those avett brothers..

so you want to be in love like the movies
but in the movies they're not in love at all
and with a twinkle in their eyes
they're just saying their lines
so we can't be in love like the movies.
-love like the movies

now in the movies they make it look so perfect
and in the background they're always playing the right song
and in the ending there's always a resolution
but real life is more than just two hours long
-love like the movies

if i could go back
that's the first thing i would do
i swear that i would
do my best to follow through
come up with a master plan
a homerun hit, a winning stand
a gaurantee and not a promise
that i'll never let your love
slip from my hands
-if it's the beaches

donna, bella donna have you seen me
and have you ever really seen me
like i want for you to see me now
-bella donna

i love you but i can’t remember why
-one line wonder

i was a one-line wonder in my own love song
-one line wonder

didn't i say i need you
i tried to move on but i can't
i tried to think of bad times
good memories are all i have
-one line wonder

and i guess i might have made a few mistakes
but maybe that’s exactly what it takes
to get a little happy in this big sad world
-one line wonder

if i get murdered in the city
go read the letter in my desk
don't worry with all my belongings
but pay attention to the list
make sure my sister knows i loved her
make sure my mother knows the same
always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
like the love that let us share our name
-murder in the city

bulldoze the woods
that i ran through
carry the pictures of me and you
i have no memory of who i once was
and i don't remember your name
-tear down the house

i remember crying over you
and i don't mean like a couple of tears
and then i'm blue
i'm talkin' about collapsing
and screaming at the moon
but i'm a better man
for having gone through it
-tear down the house

ever since i learned how to curse
i've been using those sorry old words
but, i'm talkin' to these children
and i'm keeping it clean
i don't need those words
to say what i mean
-tear down the house

and so many nights go by like a flash
from a camera without any film.
but we don't need to remember
every single moment we've had.
and i don't need understanding
for every single moment i've had.
-standing with you

valentine's.

i was really looking forward to not being single this valentine's day. now there's only one thing i can say.
















fuck it.

eggs.

after that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing annie again. i...i realized what a terrific person she was, and...and how much fun it was just knowing her; and i...i, i thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this...this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." and, uh, the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" the guy says, "i would, but i need the eggs." well, i guess that's pretty much now how i feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and...but, uh, i guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us...need the eggs.
-woody allen, "annie hall"





i need the eggs.

bonnaroo.

i WILL be going this year.

=dave matthews band=
=kings of leon=
=tenacious d=
=weezer=
=the flaming lips with stardeath and white dwarfs= (performing "dark side of the moon"!!)
=phoenix=
=norah jones=
=michael franti=
=john fogarti=
=regina spektor=
=lcd soundsystem=
=the avett brothers=
=zac brown band=
=dropkick murphys=
=kris kristofferson=
=the gaslight anthem=
=blitzen trapper=
=ok go=
=ingrid michaelson=
=manchester orchestra=
=cross canadian ragweed=
=needtobreathe=

wonderland.

my habit of slipping out of reality has gotten worse. i wouldn't be surprised if i followed a rabbit with a waistcoat and wristwatch down a rabbit hole tomorrow.


not that i would be disappointed if that happened.

oz.

love. fall in love and stay in love. write only what you love, and love what you write. the key word is love. you have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.
-ray bradbury


my oz
two weeks later.
still breathing,
heart's still beating.
the worst is over,
time for the calm after the storm.
the twister's been conquered
and oz lays on the other side,
full of wonder and mystery.
lions, tigers, and bears! oh my!
i haven't seen any yet.
but the poppy field may be just around the corner.
i'll be on my guard.

crtw.

can i just say how much i love my crtw professor? i mean, you know, aside from the fact that he has us do assignments on "the sopranos" episodes that he shows in class.

derochi: so valentine's day is coming up. (insert name here) you excited?
girl who's name i forgot: oh heck no.
derochi: alright, alright. kathryne, what about you? any big plans.
me: ohhh no.
derochi: that's solid. so, wait. are we in a relationship?
me: haha not anymore.
derochi: oh really. sounds like a story.
me: yeah, read my paper. (class laughs)
derochi: oh, so you went with the "to break up?" question.
me: oh no. it's should i stay friends with my ex or not.
derochi: i look forward to reading it.

he then continues to use my topic as an example for the rest of the class, including one poorly worded scenario (namely, the word "banged" was used).


favorite. class. ever.

growth.

things are looking up.
(and not just because i have a dr. pepper and twix.)

i'm doing well in school.
i'm feeling social again.
i'm starting to feel i want to find someone new.
(something i didn't think would happen for a long time.)

i'm taking care of myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
(yes, mom, i'm eating.)

i'm moving on.
bye-bye past, hello future!

butcher.

i have my heart in my hands.
why is it not in my chest, you ask? just as i had taken it out to give to you, you made it clear that you didn't want it. now i'm left, stunned and speechless, continuing to hold it in my hands.

what do i do with it?
for a heart doesn't go back as easily as it comes out. i can't throw it at you, to make you see what you've done. i'm hoping for a change of mind. your mind. maybe if i stand here long enough, heart in hand, you'll realize my act of butchering was a real, honest one. maybe one day you'll see that you can be a butcher, too.


three in the morning,
and i'm still awake.
so i picked up a pen and a page,
and i started writing
just what i'd say,
if we were face to face.
i'd tell you just what you mean to me,
i'd tell you these simple truths:
...
never give up hope,
you're going to do great things,
i already know.
...
don't live life in fear,
forgive and forget,
but don't forget why you're here.
take your time and pray,
these are the words i would say.

last time we spoke,
you said you were hurting,
and i felt your pain in my heart.
i want to tell you,
that i keep on praying,
love will find you where you are.
i know cause i've already been there,
so please hear these simple truths,
...
never give up hope,
you're going to do great things,
i already know.
...
don't live life in fear,
forgive and forget,
but don't forget why you're here.
take your time and pray,
these are the words i would say.

gone.

hope=gone.

you're gonna have to put in the effort for my friendship now. i'm tired of doing all the work.

consciousness, pt 8.

i REALLY want to take a shower. but my suitemate has been in the bathroom for like 45 minutes now. she keeps turning the sink on, then off. and running the water in the tub. now the shower's on. but i just heard the toilet flush so i have no idea what she's doing or how long she's gonna be in there. blehhh. i feel gross. a nice long shower is just what i need but i know i'm gonna have to wait cause our shower takes FOREVER to drain. even if she got out now, i'd still have like a 15 minute wait.

i have nothing to do tonight. i feel restless, like i have cabin fever or something. i really want to go out. i want to go to a club or a bar or a big party. i'm over a small apartment party right now. i don't want one-on-one time with people. i want to be in a huge, chaotic setting.

of course, if she keeps going in the bathroom much longer it won't matter because i won't have had time to get a shower and get ready or anything.

i feel like i'll probably add more to this later.

fish.

yes, i know there are plenty more fish in the sea. but i want THAT fish.

i'm a brat. i've discovered this. i'm not proud of it, i've just discovered it. i'm used to getting what i want. and when i don't, i tend to make everyone involved miserable until i do finally get it. this is quite a revelation.

sigh. i just want my fish back.

zombies.

it's been a very zombie-filled past 12 hours. it's probably not going to get much better since after this next class i'm trekking over to walmart to buy zombieland on dvd. great movie with a good memory attached.