perfection.

they say that nobody is perfect. then they tell you practice makes perfect. i wish they'd make up their minds.
-churchill

why is it that everyone seems to be striving to be something else? to be better, more, a different person entirely. is anyone actually happy with who they are right now? i know i'm not. i know there are a million ways i could be a better, happier, prettier, more successful person. but why do we feel the need to strive for perfection - something we usually see in others, but very rarely see in ourselves?

most people only love you for who you pretend to be. to keep their love, you keep pretending, and you keep performing. you get locked into an image; you get locked into an act. but real love means letting a person be who he really is. when others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. it's a subtle kind of murder, and the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder daily, with smiles on their faces.
-jim morrison

well, you know what? i'm tired of trying to be something, failing, and then being disappointed in myself. it only leads to the self-loathing thing i do which is really starting to get on my nerves.

the thing that is really hard
and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
-anna quindlen

bravery.

there is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
-john wainwright

i really wish i was brave, like you say i am.

if i were brave i would've told my parents about the drinking thing right after it happened. if i were brave i would be able to explain to my mom why i don't tell her every detail of my life, which for some reason is leading her to not be able to trust me. if i were brave i would be able to handle confrontation and i'd be able to tell the people i need to how i really feel about them. if i were brave i'd be able to declare a major without being terrified of the end result. if i were brave i wouldn't let people intimidate me.

take a walk in my shoes before you call me brave. i hold so much in because of fear. sure, you can be brave and be afraid at the same time, but those who actually are brave don't let fear keep them from doing what needs to be done or saying what needs to be said. unfortunately, i do let fear get in my way. all the time. and i really wish i didn't. but, like so many other things, acting and being brave is easier said than done.



with a skip of her heart
and a catch in her breath
she let go in fear

love.

it never fails to surprise me when people are shocked to find out i've never had a boyfriend before. then i start to question why they are so shocked. is it because having your first boyfriend is like a right of passage you are supposed to go through at a certain age and i somehow missed that deadline? is it because it's really that strange to have been single your entire life? maybe it's because i don't like bullshit; i much prefer things that are straight foward and have a point to them. i suppose that's why i never did the "date someone for a week" thing in middle school and why i never fell for the "high school sweethearts" bid.

now, with valentine's day approaching i can't help but think about love. and then i turn to something i wrote nearly two years ago in a journal: another thing i thought a lot about was love. even though i've never actually been in love, it's still something i think about from time to time. many of the people i passed tonight were holding hands or linking arms with their significant others, which only made it more glaringly obvious to me that i was walking down that beach alone.

looking back on things like this makes me wonder what falling in love is really like. who will i fall in love with? will it be forever or a first love? is a first love even really love? or are we just kidding ourselves until our one real love comes along? and that makes me think about what if i'm not even here to experience a first true love? i can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something.

so what is love really? is it all it's cracked up to be?


you may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and everytime tears roll down your cheeks
but i know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved.
-death cab

selfish.

iiiiiii waaannnttt...

to keep my scholarships. (check so far)
this paper to go away. (check)
my biology test over. (check)
to not be in debt. (check)
to have spending money. (check)
a flat stomach. (partial check)
to go to 4th floor tillman.
to understand spanish. (check)
a relationship.
to be happy for more than 24 hours. (check)
a major i can be happy with. (check)
the weekend to be here. now. (check)
the weather to be warmer. (check...for now) (uncheck) (recheck)
a house at the beach.
an escape from my reality.


our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth.
-madeleine l'engle