endings.

my little cousin (who's about 5 now) asked me recently, "kathryne, all stories have happy endings, right?"

my thoughts: "ok. really big lie coming up, but i can't take away the faith he has that everything will be ok in the end."
my words: "of course, jack."

now i can't help but think that what i said isn't a lie. i've come to realize that things may not end up the way you want them to. in fact, things can get downright shitty. but that's not the end. the end is the resolution you come to when you realize things are going to get better, because every ending also comes with a beginning, a fresh start. and, for me, the feeling of hope that comes with realizing that things are going to be better outweighs any bad thing that may have just occurred. hope is what has kept me going and hope is what makes sure i always have a happy ending.

aspiration

i wanna be able to do stuff like this:





possible career choice: photographer?

nostalgia.

i miss this.





salkehatchie countdown: 170 days

pessimism.

i suppose sometimes it only takes a brisk walk with some good music to feel better. of course, i've been having these ups and downs for years, so it's probably only a matter of time before i feel worse again.

yeah, kathryne. that's the spirit.


well, heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
so live for the moment.
and take this advice, live by every word,
love's completely real,
so forget anything that you have heard,
and live for the moment now.

still.

i don't feel alive anymore. i just feel like i'm taking up space while life continues to go on around me. i go through day to day motions, react to people, and sometimes throw in my own two cents, but it's like i'm on autopilot. i don't feel in control, yet i don't feel the rush of being out of control. sometimes i don't even feel like my life's worth living anymore.


woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
i thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that i said i'd do
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
i just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on

i let the day go by
i always say goodbye
i watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
the night is here and the day is gone
and the world spins madly on

i thought of you and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

tired.

i'm tired of not knowing what i want.
i'm tired of the ups and downs i go through on a daily basis.
i'm tired of feeling alone.
i'm tired of seeing everyone around me happily in relationships.
i'm tired of feeling one way when it would be better for me to feel another.
i'm tired of thinking about death.
i'm tired of letting kisses fool me.
i'm tired of hooking up with guys and them not being able to look me in the eye later.
i'm tired of hearing 'don't get your hopes up again.'
i'm tired of feeling like the third wheel.
i'm tired of having to have alcohol to be able to say what i want to.
i'm tired of south carolina.
i'm tired of leading a monotonous life.
i'm tired of being broken.
i'm tired of not being able to be fixed.


i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me,
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now.
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

falling.

i'm tired of people yelling and secretly hating each other. loud curses don't go unheard through these paper thin walls. i have a headache from the stuffiness of this place. anger and tears are getting to be too much to bear. i'm tired of hours later, after a few drinks, pretending like nothing went wrong and everything's alright. i'm ready to leave. i'm ready to go back home...that campus is more home to me than this house ever was.


i fell for you
i fell for you
why?
i guess i wanted to play too.

faith.

i thought i had lost it, but i guess it's still here. i had to defend my faith today and that made me realize this. boy, there's nothing like realizing it wasn't gone, only lying dormant within me. ok, so i'm not the perfect example. i don't pray or read the bible every day. i practically bask in sin. but, hey, it's a start. and i'm going to try harder to be better at doing what i have to do for this.

i used to think that part of being christian was having this huge life-altering moment of being saved. that's what everyone talks about in their personal testimonies, anyway. that could be what happens to some people, i suppose. but maybe, just maybe, it's also about being saved a little each day. maybe it's about waking up and remembering you have this wicked cool dad whose already done so much for you and whose gonna love you and forgive you, no matter what...all you have to do is ask and believe and try to do better next time.

i just, i can't understand atheism, y'know? this feeling is pretty amazing. why would someone purposefully shy away from that? why, in a world where everything seems to be going downhill would a person try to avoid a constant stream of hope?

hurt.

no one ever wants the person who hurt them to see how badly they've been hurt.
-ted, scrubs.


the truth behind these words astounds me.
i want the faith i used to have. i don't know when or how i lost it, but i want it back. my faith in god, in people, in myself. i'm really not sure what i'm living for anymore. life has just sort of become a habit.

drifting.

i wanna sing
while the ocean sleeps
i wanna feel
what it's like to be free.
i wanna see
what you see in me
i wanna know
how i feel severely.
i feel lost
somehow i'm drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again.
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out of here
i see the tide is coming
don't let it take you away from me.
-hope

i have no other words to say. this song describes it all perfectly.

madness.

bah. insomnia blows.

how do you kick someone out of your head? i've been asking politely, but apparently that's not working.


hm. i think i've gone mad.

alice: would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?
chesire cat: that depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
alice: i don't much care where.
chesire cat: then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
alice: ...so long as i get somewhere.
chesire cat: oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

chance.

then: white on black. black on white. leave shades of grey. falling into this dream. images flying past in my shades of grey. lay down lightly in the grass. you at my side, plucking at a guitar. i turn to say something. you're gone. the music plays on.

now: downward spiral. the peaceful field is gone. black swirls with my darkest shades of grey. the music is faint, but still there. look up. a bright light and i move toward it. the music stops and you're speaking, calling me back. but i'm so close to the warmth of the light. should i stay with what's known? am i brave enough to walk in the light and make my flaws known?



with every brush of our lips, comes a roll of the dice.

commitment.

commitment scares me. and i'm not just talking relationships, although those do terrify me as well. i have to declare a major by the end of this semester and i am scared to death of that. having to make this decision of what i want to do is a huge commitment. that's my future. i don't know if it's all about the determination of right and wrong. maybe i am scared to be wrong about myself. maybe what i'm really scared of is being wrong about a huge part of my life. perhaps the concept of wasting time is a big factor in it as well. if i change my mind after making a commitment, then did i not waste all that time i just spent on a different goal? and, like i said, if i was wrong about this huge aspect of my life, then has the time i've spent here on earth been a waste? what have i been doing that is so distracting i can't even begin fathom what would make me happy?

resolution.

i've come to the realization that i shouldn't be left alone with myself. for too long at least. i'm just not very good at being alone without becoming melancholy. and then i start feeling sorry for myself and the people who are forced to associate with me.

i've never much cared for new year's resolutions. i'm terrible at making them. i'm even worse at actually keeping them. but this year, i'm thinking to save myself i'm going to have to. you know how most masochistic people are assumed to be cutters? as in physically hurting themselves? yeah, i'm more of an emotional masochist. whenever i feel it's necessary, i do the equivalent of slitting my wrists with my ego/personality/whatever the hell it is. so new year's resolution?

no more.

no more emotional masochism. no more metaphorically slitting my soul. no more abusing my heart. it's time to get over myself and start being happy for once.