the end.

Since this page seems to be ruffling a lot of feathers lately, I'm going to set the record straight once and for all what I really mean when I type out a lot of this stuff.

December 2008: The Blog was Formed.

It wasn't meant to be extremely personal in those days. Sure, they were my thoughts I wouldn't normally voice in every day conversation, but not anything that I would want to keep from others. Look back, you'll realize a difference then and now.

That's why I had the link up on my Facebook page. Because despite what anyone may say, everyone wants to be heard and think that their opinion matters. That's just human nature. Sue me for being human.

Sometime in Fall 2009: The Blog Deepens

When I realized that my blog was becoming more of an online diary, I took the link off of Facebook. I didn't publicly follow people I knew anymore. I took slightly more precautions to limiting what I was saying, but ultimately I was saying what I wanted, what I felt, and put very little censoring on it. This is because I didn't think many people read my blog in the first place. I had like 5 followers who were rarely ever on their own blogs, why would they take the time to read mine? And I assumed those who just clicked on the link from my Facebook had forgotten all about it.

Again, despite what people say, everyone wants to be heard. But I was left to assume that unless I was out there shoving it down people's throats, they wouldn't care enough to search out my blog or save it in their browser or anything like that. I figured it would fade from everyone's minds but my own.

Early 2010: The Blog Gets Controversial

At this point I figured that everyone (with the exception of a select few people who had asked me about something I had written) had long since forgotten about this thing. This blog is my diary at this point in time. I kept this up as a diary mainly because I'm not really a "write it out" kind of person. If I left myself to just pen and paper, I wouldn't write out everything I was feeling because I would get tired at some point. Call me a product of the 21st century, but my hands are more cut out for long distance typing than writing.

Ever since I can remember, writing in diaries has never been entirely accurate for me. I don't write what I'm really feeling, I just write when I'm extremely emotional, to get out all the irrational thoughts and feelings so that I don't have to think about them for a while. When I come back and re-read what I wrote, I can more sanely piece together what I wanted to say/feel/think. It's a way for me to focus on more important things because the thing that I am irrationally emotional about at the moment isn't a top priority.

Summer/Fall of 2010: The Formspring Attacks

And then it happened. A giant wake up call that people had not long since forgotten about my blog. All of a sudden, questions came flooding in about why I was putting so much of my life on the internet and why I was so crazy and emotional over one person in particular (my ex).

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told him when he confronted me about this whole ordeal. I've had really strong feelings for three guys in my life. One took up most of my high school days, one for a good majority of my freshman year of college (and the summer after), and one my sophomore year of college. Because my feelings for these guys were stronger than a typical crush, they've never fully gone away, just been transferred to the next guy I developed strong feelings for. In other words, I was never able to get almost all the way over the high school guy until I met the freshman guy and I was never able to get almost all the way over him until the sophomore guy. (I say almost all the way over because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have some remnants of my initially strong feelings for them, but not in a way that's going to interfere with any new relationships I may form.)

Because I haven't met a guy that I feel I could develop strong feelings for, everything emotional/relationship/feelings related that could be about a boy comes out sounding like I'm talking about the last guy that I had feelings for (in this case, the sophomore guy). In actuality, I'm just talking about having a guy in general. Most of the more recent blogs have been written under extreme emotional conditions where I've felt so alone that I'd do almost anything to have anyone, and naturally those feelings reverted back to the last guy who reciprocated my feelings. And remember, everything's going to come out extremely emotional and pining sounding because I'm trying to focus on something else. Later on, I'll come back and read them and realize how stupid it is for me to feel that and I'll be able to get my head back on straight.

It's all a coping mechanism that people don't really understand because I've never taken the time to explain it to anyone.

I really hope that this cleared things up for everyone. When starting this, I had no idea the grief it would cause others and ultimately cause me.

I've started a PRIVATE blog (one that you need a password to access), so I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone (solving my typing vs. writing problem AND the privacy problem). In other words, this is the last post that I'm going to put on this blog. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any problems I may have caused.

Peace,
Kathryne

safety.

"The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought but I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot. I guess not."

I'm finding a safer place to blog.

blogging.

birthday countdown: one week

So, I'm not sure which of my blogs the hater on formspring reads (this one or my tumblr), but I hope they got the point that I'm not going to stop blogging just because they think I'm airing out my dirty laundry for the internet to see/sad and pathetic.

I believe I had the url of this one on my facebook for maybe the first month I had it (which if you go back and look at the archive was in December 2008). My tumblr only went through to my facebook until I realized how to keep the websites from being connected (we'll say a week at the beginning of April 2010).

My blogs are fairly private. This one didn't start off with that intention, but as it got to be much more personal I stopped linking it, I stopped talking about it, and I stopped following other people on here so they wouldn't know about it. I'm not going to go out of my way to make them exclusively private (where you have to have a password to get on them, although I do have a tumblr that is password protected) like this person probably thinks I should do. They're my blogs, they're not being forced down the throats of people I know on facebook (my IRL friends), and they're very therapeutic for me.

I've never been able to keep a journal religiously, that just doesn't work for me. I'm more likely to regularly get my feelings out through an online journal, which is what both of my blogs have become. They're not a portfolio of my writing up for critique. They're usually written when I'm in very emotional states, so the syntax/diction/whatever usually isn't the main focus, which is why some may come off as "poorly written."

I haven't written anything on here that I wouldn't say to someone if they asked me about it. People just generally don't ask. A free blog seemed like a better alternative to an expensive therapist. Sometimes I just need to have someone hear what I have to say, even if that someone is a search engine (or me, a few months later when I go back and read them sometimes).

I'm not trying to explain myself to that person on formspring because I don't feel like I owe them an explanation. I just needed to vent and organize my thoughts around why it is that I blog, exactly why I made this in the first place. If I didn't have a place like this to sort out my feelings and opinions on such things, my mind would be so much more floopy (a Phoebe word) and out of sorts than it already is. By having this, I can get things that are going on in my life like this out of my head and focus on more important and time consuming things.

alone.

I think had I not been in (and out of) a relationship before living with Alisha, I would be able to enjoy having Bryan over a little more. I was thinking about this as I was falling asleep last night.

For 19 years I was okay with my friends being all lovey-dovey with their significant others because you can't miss what you never had, right?

Well, I had someone. And I tried not to mess up so that I could keep that someone. After a while, though I guess there's only so much one person can do before the other wants out of the relationship. So after 3 and a half months, I lost what I was trying so hard to hold on to because I thought it could've turned into something so much better than what it ended up being (not that what I had wasn't great, I just don't think it was given the chance to be something even greater).

Now, I have to watch two other people who did hang on long enough that it got to be that special thing. And they enjoy what they have with each other so much that it comes out in their behavior and is nauseating to me, who had that in her grasp and lost it before it could turn into something like that.

I guess I'll wait another 19 years for someone to come along and try harder next time.

consciousness, pt. 16

birthday countdown: 12 days.

I think I only named this one "consciousness" because I have nothing unifying that I really want to say, just some random thoughts running through my head. For instance:

I'm going to ask for an internet hook up for my birthday. I don't really know how much longer I'm not going to be able to get it at the apartment (if I ever will be able to again) and I don't really like having to drive to the library every time I need to look something up online (but really just check my Facebook). What an un-fun birthday present. Whatever happened to getting toys for your birthday? Now I'm asking for things that are actually useful, instead of something frivolous that owning it would only be justified by saying that I got it as a present. And on that note, I don't think I want to go skydiving for my birthday. That was just a random, fleeting idea and while it would be fun to say that I have been skydiving, I think I'll make that my 21st birthday present. It seems more monumental that way.

I made the event for my birthday party on Facebook today. The guest list consisted of 37 people. And that doesn't even count the ones I know that don't have a Facebook and the ones Alisha knows that she wanted to invite. So...40+ people in an apartment? I may have to take Taylor up on his offer to let me use his house. Thankfully, the party's not for another 12 days and I can figure out closer to time how many people need to be accommodated for. But the only problem with having it at Taylor's house is I know random people (ahem, freshmen) will show up because that's where they go every Friday night. I suppose I could have Nick and Jarrid do security for me. But I don't really like the idea of my party being big enough to have to have security. I mean, hell, I'm only turning 20. The big, BIG birthday isn't until next year. I'm hoping then Alisha and I won't be in an apartment anymore at that point, though.

Oh, yeah, on that note.

Alisha and I haven't really talked about living situations next year yet, but we did for a little bit when we were deciding on taking on a third roommate this year. I don't think either one of us wants to stay in an apartment for an extremely extended period of time (2+ years) and all the girls we considered asking to move in with us were only going to be sophomores (unable to live off campus, by Winthrop regulations). So we said that we might end up getting a house after this school year if they would be willing to room with us. Which I hope is the case. I like the apartment, I really do. But I also love the idea of having (renting) a house here. A house you're allowed to make so much more personal (paint, hanging things, slight damages, etc.). Plus we'd have a yard. And if we had a dog (like we both want) that would be so much better for it. I don't know. Maybe I'll bring this up at the beginning of next semester. Our lease runs out in May, but we should be able to do a month by month lease if we don't move into a house until August. Or, who knows? Maybe we'll have a house for the summer. I really hope so.

consciousness, pt. 15

2 weeks until my birthday.

Well, my car's working again but the internet is still down at the apartment. I should've known free internet wouldn't last forever. So here I sit, in the library. At 5:45 on a Friday afternoon killing time. Killing time until what? Until I have to go to Walgreens to get fingernail polish remover. And see if they have CD cases. And to just get cash back when I go to the counter.

Ugh. I'm so freaking tired. I need to wake up before tonight. Because of the way the sun is right now, it comes in my window right at 7:30, bright enough to wake me so that I can't get back to sleep, which means I've been going to sleep at like 11pm because I'm getting up so early. Last night, I went to bed at 1:21AM after going to a concert and this morning woke up at 6:06, feeling like I'd only slept for an hour. Then, at 8:30 I woke up again thinking it was at least 11. My perception of time is very skewed in that room.

Dell desktop keyboards are quite hard to type on. I keep making typos and that little red line under the word that Mozilla puts is really getting on my nerves right now. This is why I use Chrome, but does my laptop work with the internet? Nope. Well, it does, just not at the apartment. And I can't even use my Ethernet cable there because we don't have a phone line. This blows.

I've had enough of this post. I'm going to Walgreens.

loose.

2 weeks, 3 days until my birthday. (I get the feeling every September blog I write will have a countdown until my birthday. Oh well. I'm okay with this.)

I just got done reading the book Loose Girl by Kerry Cohen. The tag line on the back of the book is: "For everyone who was that girl. For everyone who knew that girl. For everyone who wondered who that girl was." Now, I'll be entirely honest, that and the title were the only parts of the cover I read before purchasing it. I didn't realize until I got back home and started reading it that it was going to be a memoir. I wasn't really too excited about that since memoirs aren't exactly my first choice of a "reading for fun" book, but since I had already paid the $13 for the book, I decided to keep with it.

And, thank God I did.

The description on the back of the book goes like this:
Loose Girl is Kerry Cohen's captivating memoir about her descent into promiscuity and how she gradually found her way toward real intimacy. The story of addiction - not just to sex, but to male attention - Loose Girl is also the story of a young girl who came to believe that boys and men could give her life meaning. Never less than riveting, Loose Girl re-creates what it feels like to be in that desperate moment when a girl tries to control a boy by handing over her body, when the touch of that boy seems to offer proof of something but ultimately delivers little more than emptiness. The unforgettable story of one young woman who desperately wanted to matter, Loose Girl will speak to countless others with its compassion, understanding, and love.

I don't want to say that I'm promiscuous, and I certainly haven't had 40+ guys as the author remembers having. I did, however, relate very strongly with the "loose girl" mindset. It's not even about sex, really. It's about attention. More specifically, male attention. Even more specifically, male attention in an intimate way.

I didn't grow up having sex with the majority of the boys I met, like the author did. I grew up having friendships with those boys. When I hung out with them and their girlfriends, I'd see the intimacy, the closeness they had. I crave that. Strongly. I've had that. Once. Boy, do I want it again.

But, true to what the back of the book says, this book isn't just a list of her conquests. It's a book about growth. Now that I've finished it and seen her story come to a close with little struggle and marriage, it makes me realize just how long this journey of mine is going to be.

It's true, well known, and overstated that before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. The problem is, I don't know how to do that just yet. I like myself. I like who I'm becoming. I'm much more comfortable with who I am than I used to be. My self-esteem continues to climb. But just when I think I'm at a point where I can truly love myself, something comes along and knocks me back. I get lost or bothered easily, especially when it comes to my views on who I am. This is the biggest piece of evidence I have that I don't love myself just yet. This is extremely troubling for me because if I can't learn to love myself, who can learn to love me? And, moreover, who can I learn to love back?

tmi.

*Warning* This one may get a little too far into the TMI zone, but this is my blog. So there. :P

Exactly 3 weeks until my birthday. (That wasn't the TMI part).

So, I'm considering (the next time I have a gyno appointment) asking for the pill that only gives you four periods a year. Because recently, I've just stopped skipping that week my current birth control allows for me to have my period because I'd really rather not deal with it. This means I start the next pack a week early, so now I'll have to make an appointment with the gynecologist, like, a month before necessary so I can get a new prescription.

Which, it's not like I'm dreading going earlier than necessary because to be quite honest, I didn't find my last visit (my first one ever) to be that uncomfortable at all, even though it was with a male doctor. I expected to be nervous/uncomfortable. That's what everyone says it's like. I suppose they said this due to the fact that you have someone you don't know all that well feeling around your private parts.

Maybe I wasn't uncomfortable because anytime anyone goes near those areas on me, I automatically mentally detach myself, without ever thinking about it later on. I'm not sure why this is, but it's always been the case. And that's probably why my virginity was never that sacred to me, as I know it is for others. I just handed mine along to the first guy willing to change the fact that I was a virgin, and I honestly don't regret it at all. I've really always seen sex as just another physical activity, like running or swimming, that happens to include another person.

Who knows? Maybe my whole perspective on this is totally skewed. Maybe there is something wrong with my way of thinking and I should've held on a little longer to my virginity, waiting for a guy I'd known for more than a day, one who would be willing to actually love me. Maybe this has nothing to do with my views on sex. Maybe I just didn't get enough attention as a child/adolescent/young adult and this is my way of making up for it. I certainly don't have the answer for this.

Because as far as I've come in my whole "self-discovery" thing this year, I still have a really loooong way to go.