wrong.

i feel like when i'm replaying last year over in my head, i'm watching a favorite tv show that's gone of the air. like "friends," for instance. i can collect the dvds. i can watch re-run after re-run, but the stories all end the same. now, those characters have gone on to live imaginary lives that the writers can barely dream about. no new season's going to come out, and i'm in the spin-off, "joey." who knows what will become of it? will it be a success? so far it's nothing like the original, except for a few of the members of the cast. and i mean VERY FEW members of the cast. hardly anyone's back. let me rephrase: hardly anyone i cared about and hung out with is back. dad says i was hanging out with the wrong people, but i don't see it that way. even if i regret being friends with someone (which has only happened in VERY rare occasions), i can never see them as the wrong people. i've realized i've grown so much since this time last year and i owe that all to the people who i knew and became close to. they were my family. they were my rock, my guiding light, my shoulder to lean on. now i'm back and only a few of those people are here with me. so what if they made bad decisions? i know i sure as hell have. does that make me the wrong person? if that's the case, then who are the right people? i think we're all wrong in some way or another, but try to strive for the best anyway.

ithaka.

when you set out for ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
the laistrygonians and the cyclops,
angry poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.

ask that your way be long.
at many a summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, what joy -
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.

have ithaka always in your mind.
your arrival there is what you are destined for.
but don't in the least hurry the journey.
better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting ithaka to give you wealth.
ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
without her you would not have set out.
she hasn't anything else to give you.

and if you find her poor, ithaka hasn't deceived you.
so wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood what these ithakas mean.

euphoria.

i'm insanely happy right now. and i'm genuinely excited about things (which a while back, i was worried about when i realized i couldn't get excited over anything). i'm ready to go back to school. i'm ready to see everyone. i'm so excited to go to clemson in september then come back home and see the spirit singers at the opera house. i'm excited that tomorrow's my last day of work (though, not too excited if i end up working the party upstairs).

i'm really excited that there's a song called "catherine the waitress." i'm excited that it's now on my ipod. so what if they spelled the name differently? how many people can say their name and job are both in the title of a song? i'm guessing not many.

all i know is, that i'm really happy to be me right now. i could get used to this feeling.

EDIT: I found the poem "Ithaka" my Human Experience professor handed out to us on the last day of classes for last fall. basically, it reminds us to look forward to things in the future, but not to live exclusively in the future because the future never comes. if you keep saying "i'll be happier when i'm __(fill in the blank)__" you'll never actually get to the being happy part. this, among many others, is a line i'm learning to walk.

i feel very zen in that i'm all about balance right now.

insomnia.

i can't begin to explain how tired i am. yet for some reason, i can't get to sleep. maybe there's too much on my mind. and maybe it's cause "waking up in vegas" is stuck in my head. not exactly a soothing, relaxing song.

i've been contemplating transferring for a good portion of the summer now. i don't really know why. i love winthrop. maybe it's just all the fun i have when i go up to clemson. and i do realize that if i transferred i'd have to do the whole class thing up there and it wouldn't be the way it is when i visit. i think once i get back to winthrop, i'll forget about that. let's be honest, i have no idea why i would choose clemson; my blood bleeds garnet and black. my usc-loving eyes couldn't take staring at orange all year.

i really hope next week once classes start i won't be awake at 3:45 AM. i feel like this couldn't be a worse time for my sleep schedule to start acting up like this.

i've decided i want to get a pet fish and name her nessie. (like the loch ness monster... ha. ha.) ok, i thought it was clever.

ugh. i guess i'll try to go asleep again. ha. let's see how well that works out for me.

consciousness, pt. 4

it's been an amazing weekend. i'm ready for next week though :)

watching teen cribs makes me wanna be friends with those people, but not at the same time. i feel like they can probably get a little bratty.

mountain dew + coconut parrot bay = gooooood.

this is post number 69 which i find pretty hilarious.

i just did one of the scariest things i can think of. no, not bungee jumping. i told a guy how i really feel. eek. i would really like for him to respond that he has mutual feelings, instead of just saying that he'll come see me one weekend. i need definite here, people!

ok, i just got a little ballsier. asked him if all this meant "i like you too." ohhh god. my stomach is filled with butterflies right now.

ship.

so i have a ship. a ship that has not yet sailed. and on board this ship are all my "want to please everyones," my "want everyone to like mes," and my "want to spare everyone else's feelings-s."

this ship is about to set sail. and i can't tell you how relieved i am to be steering it away from shore.

consciousness, pt. 3

i want a typewriter. i know where one is that i could probably have, but alas it has no ribbon in it. and i don't know where to begin looking for one of those.

i'm re-reading the phantom tollbooth again. hmm. i think i'll re-read island of the blue dolphins next. these past couple weeks are all about re-visiting childhood favorites apparently.

dove dark chocolate is more heavenly than the milk chocolate in my opinion.

i'm getting a printer and a portable hard drive tomorrow! i don't know why i'm so excited for this.

i wanna say something about this music i'm listening to, but i can't really think of any words for it.

after watching stranger than fiction today, i'm more convinced than ever that i want to be a writer. also, i want a british accent.

*jeopardy theme song.*

i'm done.

allyson.

i finally watched bride wars today and i have to say that it has been a long time since a movie about two best friends has hit so close to home with me. not to say that i've ever personally been in this situation. i'm only 18 and no where near close to any sort of marriage ceremony. but the last lines in the movie really got to me:

sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.

and it made me think about the one person who's been standing beside me for as long as i can remember; my best friend: allyson. she is the liv to my emma. i had forgotten how much she meant to me over the past year, what with not seeing her basically every day. and i am so excited for this semester because I KNOW i'll be visiting her wayyy more than i did last year, because going to see her as much as i possibly can is what i should've been doing all along.

You inspire me because you've proved to me that friendship doesn't have to die eventually, and there is such a thing as a lifelong friend and that love can last forever, even if it is hetero-life mate love. I'm pretty sure you're my soul mate :)
-allyson