therapeutic.

grades, family, boys, depression, friends, money, the future.

all are things i'm dealing very poorly with right now. the last time i made a list like this where i wrote out what i was feeling about each topic, it was very therapeutic. so, we'll give it a shot again.

grades-i am currently in two classes designed to get you only as high as a c. my gpa and scholarships can not take that blow. and the ones that i can very easily get an a in, i'm slacking off in because of these other two classes. not that i'm even giving 100% into those two, anyway. you would think with my realization of all this, i would change my habits, but sadly i have not. and i have no idea when those habits actually will change.

family- 1) i have an amazing family. i know this. yet, for some reason, whenever i go home i treat them like shit. my dad, mostly. and i have no idea why. it makes me feel like a total bitch, which i hate. i just don't know how to fix this problem. 2) i love my little sister to death and she's been going through a lot of bad stuff this year, especially all the crap she's been taking from her friends and ex-boyfriend. and mom and dad aren't helping out too much. i'm just trying to be there for her as much as i can, but it's hard to being so far away all the time. i really worry about her sometimes.

boys-we'll just generalize here, since i'm sure i've done this whole shpiel before. i have never been in a relationship before, but i want one so bad right now for some reason. i have no idea why, because i doubt i could really handle one with all the stuff on my plate as it is. regardless, i'd like a boyfriend. the problem is, i can't seem to find someone who feels the same way i do about me as i do about them and is willing to do something about it. i can't tell you how many times i've heard "i like you, but i'm not ready for a relationship now." or "i'm attracted to you and could like you, but i don't want to lead you on." it's total bullshit. obviously, you don't like me that way so don't say things like that. be straightforward and say "you're my friend. and that's probably all we're ever going to be." sure, it may sting a little at first, but i'm a big girl. it's so much easier to get over that than those vague little excuses.

depression-i never thought i'd have to work so hard to be happy. i just really don't want what happened last year to happen this year. last year i got so far into depression that i literally felt nothing all the time. so, i started cutting. it was a really stupid idea, but i didn't want to get help from anyone. i didn't want people knowing how fucked up my mind truly was. and what really sucks is last year, i had so many more people around who cared that i could have actually talked to about it, who would have been there for me. now, that number of people has dwindled dramatically (because of one reason or another) and i feel like if something like what happened last year were to happen again, i really might not have anybody to turn to.

friends-i love all of my friends to death. but it's getting really, really hard to like them all the time. i feel terrible about myself when things like this happen, but i tend to go through mini-stages where i don't like one of my friends and it annoys me to hang out with them. i absolutely hate this stage, but it always inevitably happens at one point or another. this makes me feel like i'm a bad friend. shouldn't i always want to be around them and miss them whenever i'm away from them for an extended period of time?

money-this one doesn't really need that much of an explanation, just that my money is slowly draining out of my savings account because i'm not putting any back in. it's not a good habit to have right now.

the future-this one doesn't need that much of an explanation, either. i would just like to point out the fact that i'm not really sure what i want to do when i get out of college. and i'm beginning to realize that this is going to happen sooner than i think, and i really need to get my head on straight. i really don't want to be one of those people who moves in back home after they've graduated college. i'd like to have a job lined up and be able to stand on my own.

story.

welcome to the story of my life...

this is the chapter where i know who i don't want and who i do want. and what makes this even more interesting (and depressing at the same time) is, i can have the one i don't want and can't have the one i do.

and this chapter is going to end...when?

EDIT: this chapter ended october 1, 2009 and a new one officially started october 4, 2009. turns out i can have the one i do want. :)

countdown.

10 hours and 48 minutes until my birthday!! :)

i'm excited. can you tell?

birthday.

i feel like i'm all warmed up for a new post; i have coffee, good music, and about 20 minutes before i have to be anywhere.

so it's exactly 61 hours and 32 minutes until my birthday! ...whoops, 31 minutes. not that i'm counting down or anything. i'm so excited. this is the first birthday in a while where i've done something that i've actually wanted to do. the past couple ones were someone else saying "hey, why don't you..." or "hey, why don't we..." and me just going along with it.

i've become a bit of a push-over, and it was that previous statement that made me realize it. what the hell have i been thinking these past couple of years, not doing what i really want to on MY birthday? isn't this day supposed to be about ME?

ok, i didn't mean for this to become so self-centered, but it's the truth. i really need to start standing up for myself more and doing what i want and saying what i think.

consciousness, pt. 5

capri sun+mac and cheese for lunch makes me feel like i'm 5 years old again, and i love it! :)

i drunk texted my sister for the first time ever the other day. it was a pretty rad conversation. i still think i have the best sister ever.

i've decided it's ultimatum time with problem c. (see: 'boy-crazy' in june 2009). you know me. you like me. you either want to date me or you don't. i'm tired of being strung along. guy after guy after guy. it always happens. the only problem with this ultimatum is i'm worried it's gonna end the same as all the others: "i really like you, but now's not a good time for me. let's stay friends." i really, really don't want this to happen with him. probably more so than i didn't want this to happen with any of the others.

my roommate talks to her boyfriend via webcam a lot. it doesn't bother me at all, but i wish i had a webcam and someone i cared about who really cared about me to talk back and forth with. man. now i'm really regretting not getting the webcam option on my computer. i suppose i could go buy one, but i don't really want to. haha.

i have to leave for class in ten minutes. then i'll be in class for four straight hours. it would've been nearly seven straight hours had i not dropped theatre. it was a bittersweet deal. on the one hand, i really wanted to take the class cause i love theatre, but i didn't have the time to put the effort in and i really didn't want to be in class for that long. i'd feel like i was in high school again. lame.

i think freshman year of college makes you emotional. i thought it was just me last year, but i've been watching these freshmen come through (i mean, i am in the freshman dorm. they're the people i interact with every day) and i've seen so many breakdowns and frustrations over pretty insignificant things. well, i guess they're significant enough, but things that wouldn't have phased me before i started going here, and no longer phase me because i've gotten past that stage. it's almost like back at the restaurant, and the first really busy day you work. you're not used to it, so it's more stressful and frustrating cause you haven't gotten used to managing your time and keeping up with the flow of things. but once you've been there for a while and seen many a busy night, you're more calm. you know what to expect, and you don't let little things that once seemed huge bother you.

i wish i could've gone to the beach one more time before "summer" was officially over. well, happy labor day. why do we have classes again?