home.

it's funny how when i go home, it no longer feels like i'm actually going home. it's strange to be back in this town.

Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?
It's stupid to use the words others
Spent time to achieve
When the words that we're needing
Are inside us all somewhere
Waiting for rescues
They need to be free It's a lie not to listen
A sin, pessimistic when
Things that we need to say
Fall through the cracks
Like I love you, I miss you
I hate life with out you
And where have you been my love
I want you back.
So I don't feel alone in the world,
And baby yeah you're hard to get over,
We're older, it's just a little lie we tell all ourselves,
In itself, promise me, let's never get older.
So I don't miss the feeling of "left in the cold"
And this feeling of healing has long since been old
I find times when I'm missing the times you convinced me
I don't need somebody to hold my hand softly and tell me she's wishing
I wished she was with me cause I know now I'm drifting
I'm cleansed yet I'm missing the voice of an angel.
Leave it up to me to blow this whole thing aside and think of nothing like were nothing
But were young and alive
The clock on your wall isn't moving at all
Lets break out
Lets go out
Get a room
A hotel baby
I'm not saying that I'll love you forever
Hell who am I kidding
Cause were perfect together
Notice that when we talk I can't help but stutter
Your to perfect for words
I just want you forever.
-affinity, red car wire




i miss taylor.

procrastination.

i wish i could snap my fingers and this paper be done. i know what to say, i just don't know HOW to say it. i have three pages and it's supposed to be five. i'm thinking i'm going to go over five, but i'm worried that my teacher's going to see through the bs. aghhh. i really need a good grade in this class. and by good grade, i mean at least a c.

when did my definition of good grade go from a's to c's? oh yeah, when i came to college. unfortunately, mom and dad don't see it that way. lame.

why can i write plenty on here, but when it comes to talking about british poetry, i can barely figure out what to say?

i've already had one 16oz monster and i'm about half-way through a 24oz one. my heart may very well stop once i finish this one. i already feel really jittery. maybe i should stop drinking it. i also have to pee. yep, the top's going back on the can.

i'm really tempted to just work for like 30 more minutes and then finish the rest of the paper tomorrow. it's not due til 6PM. we're leaving for columbia at 3PM. meaning if i got up at 10AM, that would give me 5 hours to shower (which i would only need 30 minutes for) and finish up a page and a half worth of a paper. sooo 4 and a half hours for one and a half pages? i think i can do that. well, let's take away an hour for facebook, since i always find myself randomly wandering over to that website. that's still three and a half hours for one and a half pages. i can't do the math right now, but i'm thinking that's like half a page per hour?

yeah, this is how my procrastination thought process goes.

crazy.

i think i'm going crazy.

strike that. i think i've always been crazy, but i'm just now starting to not care about keeping that covered up. because, as i've mentioned before, in my family it's okay if you're crazy/upset, just don't let it show. after all, we wouldn't want the nice, normal people of the world to think we're not in totally control of ourselves, would we?

so i've been thinking a lot lately about dropping out of school. i've never liked school. i mean, middle and high school was something you HAD to do. now i don't have to anymore and i can't see why i should continue doing something that's making me so miserable. hm. maybe it's just this semester that's really sucked up the whole experience for me. maybe if i could get in the habit of actually being able to do work and study, things wouldn't be so rough. see, i never actually learned how to study in middle/high school because everything came so easy for me. now, i'm kind of screwed in that department.

so ally and i have decided on a new plan: drop out of school, live on minimum wage for a while, then marry rich. i can see this working.

parents.

one of the things my mother does that annoys me the most is when she's upset with you, she'll act upset, but she won't tell you what you did wrong. she just gets all quiet and when she has to answer questions they're very short. she'll also usually slam stuff and stomp around, but dear god don't ask what it was you did wrong. then she'll get even more mad, but still won't tell you.

i caught myself doing this today.

and it pissed me off because it was something simple and petty and 10 minutes later i was no longer upset by it. but i still acted just the way my mother does when she's upset. the way that annoys me so much. the way that makes me want to scream at her because i can't fix what i did wrong if she won't tell me what it is i did.

but i continued to do it anyway.

i can't help but feel like we're doomed to become our parents, try as we might to distance ourselves from them and live our lives completely different from the way they lived theirs.