my life is going to hell. and i have no idea how to stop it. i guess this is just karmic justice for me taking joy in the fact that your life took a turn for the worse when you decided to cut me out of your life.
i've decided that what i really want to be and what i've always wanted to be (but wouldn't admit it to myself) is a photographer. but it's too late in my undergrad career for me to think of changing majors. that would just be silly. so i think after i graduate i'll go on to study photography. i just have no idea where.
i really need to figure my life out.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
new consciousness series, pt. 1
I'm not really sure why, but when couples excessively call each other "baby" it annoys the ever living crap out of me. Probably because I've grown up calling small animals and babies "baby." I don't know. It weirds me out. I don't think I'd ever want to regularly refer to my boyfriend as an infant and I can't really see why a lot of people do. Also, when I read it (via facebook or some other site) I just hear that person talking in a baby voice. Not really a sexy one, that voice. Saying it every now and then, it doesn't really bother me. But when "baby" has become your significant other's new name (as is the case with my roommate, it seems), it's just gotten to be too much.
I'm having a really hard time figuring out what it is I want for Christmas this year. Well, I know what I really want/need. What I need is for whatever price people are paying on a present, just give me that in money. I'm really starting to worry about having to pay the rest of the payments for my Invisalign. I wasn't counting on having to pay so much for groceries and gas this semester (or over-drafting...twice, I believe) and I think I may have accidentally dipped too much into the part of my savings that's reserved for those. It's gonna be fun explaining that to my dad. Ugh.
Speaking of my dad, he just randomly turned to me the other day and said, "So, Kathryne. You still think you'll never have children?" When my mom and I immediately came back with how that's not regular chit chat he goes, "Well I don't know how to talk to her!" So you immediately go to my child-rearing years? I'm 20 for Christ's sake. No, I still don't want to have kids but I'm not going to explain to him my reasoning for that.
Wow. That took a turn for the deep end. I'm gonna go now before I cut too much into my shower time.
I'm having a really hard time figuring out what it is I want for Christmas this year. Well, I know what I really want/need. What I need is for whatever price people are paying on a present, just give me that in money. I'm really starting to worry about having to pay the rest of the payments for my Invisalign. I wasn't counting on having to pay so much for groceries and gas this semester (or over-drafting...twice, I believe) and I think I may have accidentally dipped too much into the part of my savings that's reserved for those. It's gonna be fun explaining that to my dad. Ugh.
Speaking of my dad, he just randomly turned to me the other day and said, "So, Kathryne. You still think you'll never have children?" When my mom and I immediately came back with how that's not regular chit chat he goes, "Well I don't know how to talk to her!" So you immediately go to my child-rearing years? I'm 20 for Christ's sake. No, I still don't want to have kids but I'm not going to explain to him my reasoning for that.
Wow. That took a turn for the deep end. I'm gonna go now before I cut too much into my shower time.
Monday, November 15, 2010
i am cannibal.
read between the lines.
i'm starting to feel like the bad, less light and poppy side of this song (and no, i don't mean i want to literally eat boys).
but i feel like every guy i try to get close to, i'm damaging in some way. it's because i put myself into bad or awkward situations and i feel like i really only hurt the other person in that situation. and it's not fair to anyone.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
relationship impaired.
i feel like everyone else has this whole "personal relationships" thing down but me. am i missing something here? was there a pamphlet passed out in elementary school one day when i was sick? was there a psa i happened to miss that explained how to handle relationships in socially acceptable ways?
with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.
with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.
with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).
i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?
with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.
with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.
with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).
i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
deja vu.
why does this keep happening to me?
step one: become friends with a boy.
step two: hang out with said boy one-on-one.
step three: boy expresses interest in being more than friends.
step four: boy specifically states that he likes me and would like to do something about it (i.e. pursue a relationship)
step five: reciprocate feelings and become attached, waiting for something to happen
step six: upon confronting boy about when something will happen, learn that he has lost interest in making things happen/something has come up and it can't happen
step seven: come off looking clingy and desperate trying to figure out why the boy even decided to express feelings in the first place
again, i ask: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
step one: become friends with a boy.
step two: hang out with said boy one-on-one.
step three: boy expresses interest in being more than friends.
step four: boy specifically states that he likes me and would like to do something about it (i.e. pursue a relationship)
step five: reciprocate feelings and become attached, waiting for something to happen
step six: upon confronting boy about when something will happen, learn that he has lost interest in making things happen/something has come up and it can't happen
step seven: come off looking clingy and desperate trying to figure out why the boy even decided to express feelings in the first place
again, i ask: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
Monday, November 1, 2010
the new beginning.
okay, I can't do it. I love this blog too much.
in my poetry class today, we were discussing how someone's poem could be interpreted and our professor said she interpreted part of it as having lost someone (as in, they had died). she went on to say that she probably interpreted it that way because she was much older than us and had experienced more loss and that she really wished we hadn't experienced the same amount of loss as she has because we're too young to have experienced such a thing.
at this point, I had a mini revelation about myself, about my abandonment issues. i HAVE experienced a lot of loss. too much for someone my age, in my opinion. i've lost a teacher, friends, a teammate, family members, pets. more often than not, these people were gone wayyy before their time should have come.
maybe i have a problem with people choosing to walk out of my life because I've lost so many who didn't have a choice. maybe the reason i come off clingy is because i'm trying to keep as many people i care about around, scared to lose more people i love.
in my poetry class today, we were discussing how someone's poem could be interpreted and our professor said she interpreted part of it as having lost someone (as in, they had died). she went on to say that she probably interpreted it that way because she was much older than us and had experienced more loss and that she really wished we hadn't experienced the same amount of loss as she has because we're too young to have experienced such a thing.
at this point, I had a mini revelation about myself, about my abandonment issues. i HAVE experienced a lot of loss. too much for someone my age, in my opinion. i've lost a teacher, friends, a teammate, family members, pets. more often than not, these people were gone wayyy before their time should have come.
maybe i have a problem with people choosing to walk out of my life because I've lost so many who didn't have a choice. maybe the reason i come off clingy is because i'm trying to keep as many people i care about around, scared to lose more people i love.
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