ghost.

i think i'm ready for another boyfriend. problem is, every time i think about liking someone new, it turns into that scene from "annie hall" where alvy and annie are walking through scenes of annie's past loves. only, in my case, they're potential loves. and taylor's sitting there scrutinizing every one, very much like alvy does. ugh. and it gives me such a headache because he just won't go away.

of course, now i've missed out on the opportunities i would have liked to pursue because of this little taylor ghost. now, i'm left with no more potentials because they've moved on and found someone who isn't crazy. gah, i really hope this ghost is happy. jerk.

he is also inhibiting my ability to finish this paper because i feel the need to blog about him. god i'm a moron.

inconsequential.

i abhor the feeling of being inconsequential and i've been feeling it a lot lately, especially with regards to my ex.

he was my first boyfriend and he was my first love (although we never actually got to that part because during the week he was planning on breaking up with me, i was so foolishly trying to figure out how to tell him i love him and he ended up getting the courage before i did). keeping this in mind, the chances of me ever forgetting him or completely moving on are slim to none.

but i was number five for him. and in lieu of discussions/findings post break-up, i've been led to assume that i wasn't even that life-altering of a girlfriend to him. i was just an inconsequential stepping stone between the girl (it sounds to me) he still wishes he were with and the next girl, who (with his "newfound knowledge of himself") he will probably feel closer to.

and all of these feelings would make any smarter person write him off completely, but i can't seem to do it. i just can't get past the fact that someone can mean so much to me, but i've barely left a fingerprint on their life.

mistake.

ok, yeah, i fucked up this time. but not for the reasons you want me to say.

i don't think i made a mistake in dating you, despite the fact that many people want me to say that. but i did make the mistake of allowing myself to get so close. i decided to try to not be so guarded, because i thought i could trust you. it turns out that was my biggest flaw: trusting you. i now see that that was just seen by you and others as a joke.

so, thanks for the lesson. my heart is going under lock and key. i will only allow myself to be close to the people i'm already close to, who haven't let me down. i won't allow anyone else in.

again.

it's happening again. i didn't think it would this year. the absolute NEED to get away from this place. another example of how i cannot stay in one place too long.

i can't help but wonder if i'll ever find somewhere that feels like home.

anatomy.

i do not envy meredith grey a lot of things. but i do envy her courage.

i love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. so pick me, choose me, love me.

i barely have the courage to even think of uttering these words to someone, even though it's exactly how i feel.

missing.

it's days like this that i miss him.
it's days like this that i miss who i was.
it's days like this that i miss my laughter.
it's days like this that i miss our old house.
it's days like this that i miss my bed at home.
it's days like this that i miss playing volleyball.
it's days like this that i miss a really bright sun.
it's days like this that i miss having nothing to do.

it's days like this that i miss not missing a single thing.

fear.

on the inside cover of my journal, i have a little quote written down:

there are very few things worth being afraid of.

it makes me think about all the fears i've conquered over my life. i used to be terrified of heights. a few years ago, i decided to beat that fear and do a rock climbing camp. i did it, conquered the mountain and my fear. now i can't wait to go sky diving someday. i used to be afraid of roller coasters (this kind of stemmed from my fear of heights) but then i went to carowinds with a group of friends and so as not be made fun of/left out, i sucked it up and rode the roller coasters. now, i love them. i can remember being terrified of spiders. that one i think i just kind of grew out of because now i find them fascinating and even want a tattoo of one on my foot. i used to be absolutely frightened of being alone. now, i've had some of my best personal growth moments while i was by myself, i've realized. i'm okay with being by myself now.

but, for some reason the fear i cannot fathom overcoming (at least at this point in time) is this completely irrational fear of letting go of some people, even though i know it's better for me not to hold on to them. oddly enough, a fear that i'm having trouble with that stems from this is not telling people what i'm really feeling, leaving me alone to carry all of my emotional baggage.

oh, god, i have so much emotional baggage.

yep.

i'm in love with this song.
THANK YOU CARL!

tattoos.

so the other day my friend taylor came to visit me and she has decided that i will be getting my first tattoo this summer (she already has four and is wanting another, so i'm assuming i'll be tagging along with her). anyway, it got me thinking about which one from my list i want to get first and i realized that i don't really have written down anywhere what i want, where i want it, and why i want it. so, for the sake of organization, here goes:

1 - a simple black peace sign on the front part of my left hip.
ever since, oh about sophomore year of high school i've had a peace sign fetish. i've got tons of peace jewelry, peace swimwear, peace clothing, and a peace bumper sticker on my car. i've always considered myself a pacifist and it only seems fitting that the next step is to get a peace sign on my body.

2 - the beatles design
i actually haven't figured out where i want this one to go yet, but i do know that i want it. the beatles have become my favorite band ever since i discovered their music back in high school. then i saw "across the universe" and the main actress, evan rachel wood, had this tattooed on her ankle in honour of the role (minus the "all you need is love" across the top, that was my addition) and that's when i decided that i wanted it. and aside from them being my favorite band, i've formed many friendships based on having the beatles in common and their music has helped me through some really rough times.

3 - "love listens" and the music heart (made out of the bass and treble clefs) on the spot on my back outside of where my heart is located

this one was just kind of a spur of the moment thing, i saw the symbol with "love listens" tattooed on the back of a girl in a class i was in and i decided to move it over to the side. i don't know if i'll end up getting this or not, but it's something to think about.

4 - a spider on my ankle
right here-ish but on the other foot. this one was actually inspired by my ex's tattoo (*gasp* kathryne, no! don't do that you'll regret it forever!) but hear me out. shortly after he got his tattoo, i looked up spider symbolism and came across the spider as a pagan symbol. in paganism, the spider represents female energy and in native american mythology, the spider created the first alphabet (since i want to be a writer, that fit really well). because the spider's body is shaped like an 8, it was also supposed to represent eternity. here's a link to more info about spider symbolism: http://paganismwicca.suite101.com/article.cfm/spider_pagan_symbol_weaver_of_fate. because the spider is ultimately seen as a weaver of fate, i decided that i wanted to get it on my foot to represent sort of a "journey beginning with one step" kind of thing and being in control of my own fate. this tattoo was actually the most thought out one and may end up being the first one i get.

funny.

it's kinda funny (funny-ironic, not funny-haha) when i think about the people i've met coming to college, and how easy it is for me to forget that they had lives before i met them. maybe this has something to do with my weird sense of memory that i mentioned previously, or maybe it's just a total egocentric thing that's coming into play when i forget that these people have hometowns and hometown friends and experiences that i know nothing about. i saw this icon one time that sort of summarizes that and it said something along the lines of: your college friends accept you for who you are. your high school friends know what made you that way.

i guess what got me thinking about this was i've been looking over the blog entries from my myspace and one was a reflection of everything that had happened in 2005 (it was right around the new year). one of the things i mentioned was my 15th birthday when i went and saw the movie "cry wolf" with two really good friends of mine. in a mix-up, my mom didn't end up picking us up until an hour after the movie had let out and we had nothing to do but hang around the movie theatre. little did i know then that my first boyfriend (who i hadn't met yet) would start working at that very movie theatre two years later and that he lived about 5 minutes from the place we were wasting time at.

and that's just one example. maybe the only reason i'm thinking about this is because south carolina's so small and you can potentially run into someone you know no matter what town you go to. who knows. just some food for thought.

unprepared.

there are pictures of my little baby sister taking shots on facebook. granted, she's in the bahamas and it's technically legal, but still. when did we get so friggin old?

and, yes, i'm aware i'm categorizing old as late teens/early 20s while 90-year-olds roam the earth.

but, seriously, i'm thinking about it and:
->i'm [hopefully] going to be co-signing for an apartment next semester. aka living on my own. (well, i'll still be financially dependent on my parents, but that's beside the point)
->my little baby sister is going to college. the nest back home is going to be empty. i used to think seeing the day that happened was going to be way way way way way in the future, but now it's just around the corner.
->i may graduate a semester early. oh lord.

and scarily enough, i don't feel prepared for this at all.

confused.

i have no idea what i'm trying to accomplish. i also have no idea why i feel so guilty. i'm just so confused right now. it's been a weird weekend.

past.

i'm deleting my myspace. i actually decided to do this a while ago, but first i had to go through copy/pasting all of the blog entries i posted there to word documents. they go all the way back to 2005 and i decided half way through the copy/paste to start up a new blog on here of the myspace blogs. i doubt once i get them all up there that i'll add more to it, but i feel that if at one time i wanted these words to be shared, that it's not fair to my younger self to take her words away. anyway, i'll post the link here once i've gotten it up and running.

EDIT 4/14/2010: ok, so here's the link. and i've got it set up so that the most recent blog posted (the first one on the page) is the first blog i posted on myspace (aka the oldest).
http://myspacehelloworld.blogspot.com/

memory.

i'm getting worse at not remembering things after consuming certain substances. i'm not entirely sure why. i do know that i'm having fun when i'm doing it, i just can't really remember any of it the next day. which up until recently, i've never had a problem with. now i realize why so many people have to rely on pictures from the night before to let them know what they did or what they were doing or who they were with.

[segue]

this got me to thinking that my memory is really screwed up anyway. when i'm going through a certain phase in my life, i tend to forget about all the other ones and things that happened during those other times. what's worse, is i forget a lot of details of my relationships with people that occurred during those other times in my life.

for instance, a few months into my freshman year here at college, i had forgotten all about life in high school; what i did, friendships that weren't particularly constant, the way i acted, the way i was. then, probably around mid-june last year, i had forgotten what my freshman year at college was like, especially the relationships i had with people. a month or so into last semester, i forgot my summer.

another example: about a month or so after i started dating taylor, i forgot what it was like to be single. i hadn't the faintest idea how i went about my day before being in a relationship with someone. and now, a couple of months after breaking up and being single again, i've forgotten what it was like to be in a relationship. i wouldn't know what to do if i suddenly found myself in one again. i'd have to wait a few weeks or so to readjust.

i guess what i'm trying to figure out is whether or not this is relatively normal? do other people forget the stages of their life after being out of them for a little while?


so get back, back, back to where we lasted,
just like i imagine. i could never feel this way.
so get back, back, back to the disaster,
my heart's beating faster, holding on to feel the same.
-memory, sugarcult

machine.

no love for me, i am a machine.
i speak and destroy, and it's all my choice.
and when the years show on my face,
will i still be afraid?
will i still ruin everything,
will i still trip over my feet?
-my hetero girl crush.

hemingway.

i've never really taken the time to sit down and read any of hemingway's stuff. which is kinda bad considering all of his works that i've been assigned to read over the course of my academic career. regardless, i sat down today to read "the sun also rises" and ended up halfway through the book before i realized that it was time for me to go inside.

i was delightfully surprised that almost everything he writes in this book i'm able to relate to. half of it is stuff i've thought before but have never really been able to put in the right words. i started going through and underlining all of the lines that really stuck out to me. a lot of the time it's just one sentence or phrase, but i've also found myself starring pages because whole conversations are striking my fancy. some of them were funny, but most were things that really hit home. i don't know if it's because of the place i'm in my life right now that all of this is really making sense to me or what.

but, damn hemingway, you said it man.


don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it?
-robert cohn, "the sun also rises"

perks.

and today going 80 down back roads with the windows down and music blaring, i realized that the way i'm feeling can best be described by a little boy named charlie:


so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

-the perks of being a wallflower


i feel like i'm reaching a season finale. and to be quite honest, i'm ready for the next season to start.

guru.

since when did i become the go-to gal for relationship advice? i'm no where near an expert. i also have no where near the experience that you guys have.

I AM NOT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP GURU!!


for gods sake, i can't even keep MY personal life in order.

honestly.

i could care less about "lorenzo's oil." unfortunately, i have to write a paper on it. and turn it in tomorrow. fml.

progress.

you can't love me, i'm unlovable. but baby, you could try.

time alone.
i thought this was the exact opposite of what i needed right now. voices in your head are so much louder when there aren't people on the outside talking, drowning them out. but apparently the only reason they're there is to help me out. they're not evil, as i originally thought. they are virtues. and they each take on the voice of someone i know/like/love. they are my muses. my team. my support system. they're my reminder that i'm not alone. they are:

compassion: ashley
perspective: jared
reflection: taylor
sense: sally
sanity: sarah
comfort: allyson
impulsiveness: jessica

they're helping me realize what i deserve and helping me to get it. they're helping me let go of the past. they're helping me to shape my future.


on a complete side note:
i started a tumblr account today (http://katt24.tumblr.com). the plan is for it to be a compilation of things that inspire me, which will hopefully help with both my art and my writing.


if you'll be mine, i'll be yours.

babybird.

i ran across this music video on the blog of a follower:



i found the music, the lyrics, the video all to be breathtakingly beautiful. i will more than likely be downloading some more stuff from the artist, babybird, over the course of this weekend.

the video (directed by johnny depp) is based on the story "an occurrence at owl creek bridge" by ambrose bierce which, if you haven't read, i strongly recommend you read. and if you don't feel like reading it, the video is on youtube (but please, i implore you, read the short story first). i had actually completely forgotten about this story, despite having to read and watch it in 11th grade. it's one of those beautifully tragic stories, the kind you expect shakespeare to have a play about.

and i'm so glad that i found this when i did. i don't think under other circumstances i would have been as completely touched or awestruck as i was when i watched it just now. in another mindset, i probably would have brushed it off, only viewing it again because johnny depp directed it and plays the guitar during the song. but this is exactly what i needed right now.

also, i'm in love with a girl i've never met. i came across her blog and began following it. she's recently begun blogging on another website, and since i don't know her e-mail/phone number/facebook, i don't know what that website is. so now i'm left re-reading her old stuff, stuff that she's been through that, ironically enough, i'm going through now.

All I hear is my mouth moving and these words just stumbling out and they're all wrong and I want to take them all back and put them right back in my brain. I can feel myself slowly ruining the walls I've fought hard to put back up, the relationships I slowly mended are falling apart and I am left sitting here unsure of how to handle myself and my actions.

and it's nice to know that i'm not alone in this. that i'm not the only one terrified of my own mind or hopelessly carrying around emotional baggage that i need to leave behind. i wish i knew where she was now.

i'm obsessive. it's not healthy.

facts.

i hate april fools.
my dog won't stop barking.
it's getting dark at a rapid pace.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
i'm alone.
even the lone ranger had a sidekick.
i find my sidekicks annoying and ignore them when i need them most.
i have questions.
i don't have answers.
i'm annoying and make a mess of things up all too well.
i'm terribly masochistic. in the emotional sense.
i'm a wreck.
i'm not good enough and never was.
i hope someday i will be.
i'm not pretty enough and probably never will be.
i have incredibly high highs and frighteningly low lows.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i've screwed everything up.
i'm not fine.
i wish someone would notice.
i wish one someone in particular would notice.
he won't.
i should not have done what i did.
i wish i could find a spider in my bathroom and have that fix things.


















but, taylor, it wasn't that bad when we were together, was it?

consciousness, pt. 9

i'm a strawberry. i'm horribly sun burnt. and i have a headache. time for more pills. heads up, kidneys. also, skin, prepare for minimal clothing and LOTS of aloe. you'll thank me for this later.

my memory card from my phone isn't working in my computer. sad day. i have some pretty pictures i want to share. i want to go back to the factory for reals. that's what the pictures are of. i went on a walk around campus today and ended up walking down the railroad tracks beside the factory. unfortunately, my new camera is at home awaiting my arrival so they're all phone camera quality. i still think i got some good shots though.

i just blew on the memory card slot like the old nintendo 64 games. still no luck. damn.

so, anyway, i'm crazy. it's too bad the parental units won't be home this weekend for me to tell this to. although i'm sure they've always suspected. i'm just ready to feel normal again. i'm kind of scared to actually be diagnosed though. i mean, it's one thing to have the idea in your mind. it's another thing entirely to have a doctor write out on a little piece of paper that you're not all there.

ok, we'll try this thing again. double damn. memory card, what are you doing with your life?! still nothing.

i've been relating a lot to zelda fitzgerald lately. and i don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. well, until i start setting things on fire. then things could get complicated. more on that later though, cause it's not just her crazy that i'm relating to. i'm seeing similarities between her and my love life. minus the lesbian thing.

EDIT: (4/2/2010) FINALLY got the memory card working. favorite picture: