i'm pining for a guy in a public setting (site-ing?) again. i can't bring myself to stop. i just really want to be with him.
is that so much to ask?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
what am i, twelve?
so i have a class next semester with my ex's ex - the one i've written about on here before.
at least, i think i do. i think that's what she meant by her comment on my note on facebook. it's either that or she just gets really excited over the idea of drawing naked people.. yeah, i'm pretty sure it's the former.
anyway. i'm kind of nervous. no, anxious is the better word.
why, you ask? well, i'll tell you.
i haven't exactly kept it a secret on here that after meeting her, and up until recently, i didn't much care for her. (and i also believe i've over-emphasized that it has nothing. to do. with. our. shared. ex. got it? good.)
i was contemplating the other day (and by the other day, i mean at least a month ago) why i dislike all of the people that i do. because i'm not really one for hate or bringing that sort of bad karma into my life, i decided if there was an outdated or trivial reason i had for disliking someone, i would try to fix it or, at the very least, get over myself and let it go. with her situation, it was more the latter. my reasons for not liking her were petty and are very much irrelevant now (so, unless asked, i'm not going to bore you with something so trivial).
the problem is, i'm pretty positive she knows that i don't [or, at the very least, at one point didn't] like her. so, come august, i'm not entirely sure how to act upon entering the figure drawing room. i mean, i know not to run up, give her a hug and say, "ohmigosh how was your summer?!" like i will with some of the people in my other classes because that's just entirely too fake, even for me. and i also know not to act like that "transitive sex law" thing is in effect (you know, the one where you've slept with everyone your partner has slept with) and bring up something that sounds like some horrible self-induced word vomit.
i have no idea how to act/what to say. and i'm not even the most loquacious person to begin with so what if she thinks i still dislike her and decides to reciprocate the same feelings? and i know it sounds so juvenile and stupid, but i really don't want her to not like me because she does seem like a cool person and i will have to spend every tuesday/thursday from 3:30-6:15 of a semester in the same classroom with her.
ugh. why must i be so awkward?
at least, i think i do. i think that's what she meant by her comment on my note on facebook. it's either that or she just gets really excited over the idea of drawing naked people.. yeah, i'm pretty sure it's the former.
anyway. i'm kind of nervous. no, anxious is the better word.
why, you ask? well, i'll tell you.
i haven't exactly kept it a secret on here that after meeting her, and up until recently, i didn't much care for her. (and i also believe i've over-emphasized that it has nothing. to do. with. our. shared. ex. got it? good.)
i was contemplating the other day (and by the other day, i mean at least a month ago) why i dislike all of the people that i do. because i'm not really one for hate or bringing that sort of bad karma into my life, i decided if there was an outdated or trivial reason i had for disliking someone, i would try to fix it or, at the very least, get over myself and let it go. with her situation, it was more the latter. my reasons for not liking her were petty and are very much irrelevant now (so, unless asked, i'm not going to bore you with something so trivial).
the problem is, i'm pretty positive she knows that i don't [or, at the very least, at one point didn't] like her. so, come august, i'm not entirely sure how to act upon entering the figure drawing room. i mean, i know not to run up, give her a hug and say, "ohmigosh how was your summer?!" like i will with some of the people in my other classes because that's just entirely too fake, even for me. and i also know not to act like that "transitive sex law" thing is in effect (you know, the one where you've slept with everyone your partner has slept with) and bring up something that sounds like some horrible self-induced word vomit.
i have no idea how to act/what to say. and i'm not even the most loquacious person to begin with so what if she thinks i still dislike her and decides to reciprocate the same feelings? and i know it sounds so juvenile and stupid, but i really don't want her to not like me because she does seem like a cool person and i will have to spend every tuesday/thursday from 3:30-6:15 of a semester in the same classroom with her.
ugh. why must i be so awkward?
Friday, May 20, 2011
effy syndrome.
effy : cookie :: kat : ______
effy : freddie :: kat : ____
(she fucks cookie because he's not the one she wants.
she won't be with freddie because she doesn't want to break his heart.)
effy : freddie :: kat : ____
(she fucks cookie because he's not the one she wants.
she won't be with freddie because she doesn't want to break his heart.)
dearest palmer ray,
(he's never on here anymore so I feel safe using a real name this time)
(also, I feel safe in the fact that he wouldn't judge me for what I'm about to say if he were to stumble across this)
(he may think I'm crazy(ier) for this but, let's be honest, who doesn't?)
Palmer Ray,
Now that all of the disclaimers are out of the way, in my downtime at work I was rereading your blog* and came to the "holy wow" realization of my school girl crush on you my freshman year at Winthrop. I idolized you before I even really knew you; I placed you on my very own pedestal. And then I got to know you and your "dark side." -By dark side, I don't mean your evil side. I mean your not-so-perfect side, the side you tried to keep hidden from most people.- After seeing that, if it's possible, I liked you even more. In all my delusions, I thought we were going somewhere. I didn't understand what you meant when you said that "now is not a good time for anything to happen." I held on to my delusions and kept thinking that a few months down the road, "now" would be over and things would be okay. But that never happened. I was so angry with you for "leading me on" (18-year-old me's words, not mine today). I had no idea that the boy I put on the pedestal had more shit to deal with than I was led to believe.
Over the summer, with torch for you still lit, I decided to put all of that behind me. And it worked. That fall, I got my first boyfriend (a role I, silly enough, thought you were going to fill) who you didn't like. A couple nights before we ended up breaking up, you told me I could do much, much better. I didn't want to believe you. I always thought that was something people said when they were talking about themselves and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But a couple weeks later, when I was still hurting, you were there for me. It wasn't what I expected but you need to know that, to me, it was beautiful just waking up next to you. I truly meant it when I told you that all I wanted was to fall asleep next to someone and I can't imagine a better person for me at that point in time. I wasn't delusional enough at that point to think that night was going to lead to anything more than what it was. You were a friend who was there for me and I can't thank you enough for that.
After that, I moved back home for the summer and you moved out of Rock Hill for good. As with what usually happens in those cases, I saw you less than I already did. In your absence, I attempted some soul searching and came to the conclusion that there are three guys who have come into my life that I will always hold a torch for and you are one of them. (This is the blog post about that: you're "ray" in my version. Clever, I know). You are and continue to be one of the most amazing people it's ever been my pleasure to meet. I love it when you share your music with me; I love the hugs I get from you when I do see you; and I love hanging out with you when it's possible. I do want to come down and visit you sometime over the summer because seeing you only once a year just isn't going to cut it anymore. You're a great guy and I hope to god you're finding your way to happiness.
All my love,
Kat
*SIDE NOTE: Just to slightly defend my sanity; Blogger is one of the few sites I'm allowed to access on work computers, so I was musing around and realized I still had some things to say. This is all kind of raw and spur of the moment.
(also, I feel safe in the fact that he wouldn't judge me for what I'm about to say if he were to stumble across this)
(he may think I'm crazy(ier) for this but, let's be honest, who doesn't?)
Palmer Ray,
Now that all of the disclaimers are out of the way, in my downtime at work I was rereading your blog* and came to the "holy wow" realization of my school girl crush on you my freshman year at Winthrop. I idolized you before I even really knew you; I placed you on my very own pedestal. And then I got to know you and your "dark side." -By dark side, I don't mean your evil side. I mean your not-so-perfect side, the side you tried to keep hidden from most people.- After seeing that, if it's possible, I liked you even more. In all my delusions, I thought we were going somewhere. I didn't understand what you meant when you said that "now is not a good time for anything to happen." I held on to my delusions and kept thinking that a few months down the road, "now" would be over and things would be okay. But that never happened. I was so angry with you for "leading me on" (18-year-old me's words, not mine today). I had no idea that the boy I put on the pedestal had more shit to deal with than I was led to believe.
Over the summer, with torch for you still lit, I decided to put all of that behind me. And it worked. That fall, I got my first boyfriend (a role I, silly enough, thought you were going to fill) who you didn't like. A couple nights before we ended up breaking up, you told me I could do much, much better. I didn't want to believe you. I always thought that was something people said when they were talking about themselves and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But a couple weeks later, when I was still hurting, you were there for me. It wasn't what I expected but you need to know that, to me, it was beautiful just waking up next to you. I truly meant it when I told you that all I wanted was to fall asleep next to someone and I can't imagine a better person for me at that point in time. I wasn't delusional enough at that point to think that night was going to lead to anything more than what it was. You were a friend who was there for me and I can't thank you enough for that.
After that, I moved back home for the summer and you moved out of Rock Hill for good. As with what usually happens in those cases, I saw you less than I already did. In your absence, I attempted some soul searching and came to the conclusion that there are three guys who have come into my life that I will always hold a torch for and you are one of them. (This is the blog post about that: you're "ray" in my version. Clever, I know). You are and continue to be one of the most amazing people it's ever been my pleasure to meet. I love it when you share your music with me; I love the hugs I get from you when I do see you; and I love hanging out with you when it's possible. I do want to come down and visit you sometime over the summer because seeing you only once a year just isn't going to cut it anymore. You're a great guy and I hope to god you're finding your way to happiness.
All my love,
Kat
*SIDE NOTE: Just to slightly defend my sanity; Blogger is one of the few sites I'm allowed to access on work computers, so I was musing around and realized I still had some things to say. This is all kind of raw and spur of the moment.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
AI fans are annoying.
I don't mind American Idol. It doesn't bother me. I do my thing and it does it's thing and we go about not interacting and we're both okay with that.
But, good God. Those American Idol fans.
Every week, my Facebook feed is abuzz with people complaining about how the show is rigged and this season isn't nearly as good and why did they get rid of Paula/Simon and the show is rigged and their favorite person left and the "fan favorite" left and all of this is because the show is rigged. (The general pattern here being that the show is rigged.)
And it gets so much worse when I stumble upon "news" articles about the show with other people's comments on them. I say so much worse because they're usually 20x as angry about it and it looks as though they couldn't pass elementary school grammar. But, I digress.
The thing I need to rant about right now (since I refuse to do so on any message board lest some troll try and declare a flame war against me) is that THE RIGGING OF GAME SHOWS IS ILLEGAL. It has been since the 1950s when a game show was caught rigging the show so the more interesting and better looking contestants won. Because that seemed extremely unfair (to put it lightly) to the public, the people in charge of television decided to make it illegal for anyone to rig a game show. And, yes, by anyone I mean: producers, hosts, contestants, assistants, cameramen, snack boys, whatever.
Being that rigging a game show is illegal, I highly, highly doubt the people in charge of American Idol are stupid enough to try and rig something so big. Because, let's face it, the more people involved in something, the more likely it is that that something is going to get leaked. And then that's a whole lotta trouble for a whole lotta people.
Now. It is NOT illegal for them to manipulate their footage so that it looks like someone is a fan favorite when actual tallies suggest otherwise. That's a ratings-booting technique. And just because someone is your favorite, that doesn't mean that everyone else likes them and will vote for them too.
So, please, can we stop being so ignorant about something so trivial?
But, good God. Those American Idol fans.
Every week, my Facebook feed is abuzz with people complaining about how the show is rigged and this season isn't nearly as good and why did they get rid of Paula/Simon and the show is rigged and their favorite person left and the "fan favorite" left and all of this is because the show is rigged. (The general pattern here being that the show is rigged.)
And it gets so much worse when I stumble upon "news" articles about the show with other people's comments on them. I say so much worse because they're usually 20x as angry about it and it looks as though they couldn't pass elementary school grammar. But, I digress.
The thing I need to rant about right now (since I refuse to do so on any message board lest some troll try and declare a flame war against me) is that THE RIGGING OF GAME SHOWS IS ILLEGAL. It has been since the 1950s when a game show was caught rigging the show so the more interesting and better looking contestants won. Because that seemed extremely unfair (to put it lightly) to the public, the people in charge of television decided to make it illegal for anyone to rig a game show. And, yes, by anyone I mean: producers, hosts, contestants, assistants, cameramen, snack boys, whatever.
Being that rigging a game show is illegal, I highly, highly doubt the people in charge of American Idol are stupid enough to try and rig something so big. Because, let's face it, the more people involved in something, the more likely it is that that something is going to get leaked. And then that's a whole lotta trouble for a whole lotta people.
Now. It is NOT illegal for them to manipulate their footage so that it looks like someone is a fan favorite when actual tallies suggest otherwise. That's a ratings-booting technique. And just because someone is your favorite, that doesn't mean that everyone else likes them and will vote for them too.
So, please, can we stop being so ignorant about something so trivial?
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