perspective.

although two days ago, i wanted nothing to do with you ever again, i have now realized that i'm no good at burning bridges. i much prefer having them all in tact. so while i can't undo the things i've done this past week, i hope you can forgive me and move on with me. i've been hurt and so have you. but i think that i would continue to hurt more if i cut you out of my life completely. i've realized that your friendship is better than nothing.



so fail. be bad at things. be embarrassed. be afraid. be vulnerable. go out on a limb or two or twelve, and you will fall and it'll hurt. but the harder you fall, the farther you will rise. the louder you fail, the clearer your future becomes. failure is a gift, welcome it. there are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by, why they didn't take the road less traveled. those people aren't you. you have front row seats to your own transformation, and in transforming yourself, you might even transform the world. and it will be electric, and i promise you it will be terrifying. embrace that; embrace the new person you're becoming. this is your moment. i promise you, it is now, now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but totally now. own that; know that deep in your bones and go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that. and then...keep going.

never.

never again
no more kisses, no more touches.
no longer will you hold me in your arms.
i've been left out in the cold,
without my morning jacket.
the last time i wore your shirt,
despite the many washes it endured,
i could still faintly smell you.
never again will that scent fill my nose,
though i loved it so.
never again will i fall asleep to
the rhythm of your breathing,
though i loved that too.
never again will i listen to you
speak so passionately about what you love,
and i loved that too.
never again will i see you rip open a shirt,
displaying your tattoo so proudly.
that, i loved too.
never again will i run my fingers through your hair,
or steal your glasses and put them on,
see you roll your eyes at being called "tay tay,"
your beautiful blue eyes.
all i have now are these memories
and i have to say,
i don't love them nearly as much.

twenty-sixth.

1/26/2010

habit
a newly labeled section,
and each week, a new poem.
small, simple words that seem to
somehow retell the previous days.
"how are you doing...lately?"
oh, you mean since he dumped me?
shit.
it's gotten too personal.
got to keep writing vaguely, because
no one should know who this is about.
after all,
i'm praying for the day when
i can either call you boyfriend
or whats-his-name.

relapse
the old style of writing has resurfaced.
not since the days of unrequited "love"
have i been so vague.
who am i hiding my true thoughts from?
those who will never read this...
or myself?
for maybe if i don't write down the tale of heartbreak,
or speak the language of hurt and betrayal,
if i only allow the pain to exist in the back of my mind,
repressed,
the moon will outshine the night.

full.

1/19/2010

full
row three, seat seven
isolated in a full auditorium.
preferring not to sit front row center,
but back and slightly to the right,
out of sight.
a happy couple to my right,
the nearest exit to my left.
an annoying laugh to the front,
and gossiping joggers behind.
no one bothers me.
no one cares.
isolated. and alone,
in a full auditorium.

1/26/2010
when i saw you, i didn't feel this way anymore. but now, you've taken that away from me.

home.

and to think, the last time i laid down in this bed, i was looking forward to returning to school the next day to see you. now, it's as though you never were in my life.

thoughtless.

i don't want to think about it.
i can't think about it.
the pain is great,
but i think i can handle it.
maybe friendship is better.
maybe you're right.
god i hate admitting that.

empty

nearly four months down the drain for one week of not seeing eye to eye. i'm glad to finally see what kind of fighter you really are.

bad.

i have an overactive imagination. and in situations such as these, that's not a good thing.


we'd be so less fragile
if we're made from metal
and our hearts from iron
and our minds from steel
and if we built an armor
for our tender bodies
could we love each other
would we stop to feel

and you want three wishes:
one to fly the heavens
one to swim like fishes
and then one you're saving for a rainy day
if your lover ever takes her love away

you say you want to know her like a lover
and undo her damage, she'll be new again
soon you'll find that if you try to save her
it renews her anger
you will never win

and you only want three wishes:
you want never bitter
and all delicious
and then one you're saving for a rainy day
if your lover ever takes her love away

you only want three wishes:
one to fly the heavens
one to swim like fishes
you want never bitter
and all delicious
and a clean conscience
and all it's blisses
you want one true lover with a thousand kisses
you want soft and gentle and never vicious
and then one you're saving for a rainy day
if your lover ever takes her love away

-three wishes, the pierces

^^is this so much to ask for?

resolution.

i posted this on facebook on january 3, 2010 at 10:34PM.

my resolution: to stop disliking people for no reason. this includes the people i already dislike for no reason/not a very good reason. it's a nasty habit i've developed and i need to weed out the hate in my life. i think this is a pretty doable start. so, no more will i say, "idk, i just don't like them..." or "it's just something about them" or "well they cut in front of me in line that one time, so now i don't like them." this year, i'm spreading the love.

january 17, 2010 at 5:46PM, my inspiration behind this resolution gave me a reason to hate her.

at first, i hated her even more for making my resolution seem inconsequential now because i really don't hate a lot of people and that list became even smaller when i made this resolution. so it made me wonder if my resolution was for naught if i was that easily swayed to begin hating my inspiration again. but when i thought about it more, i realized that she just made it easier for me to define just where the line i had drawn was. of course, she's still on the hate side; that's not changing anytime soon. but her status changing so quickly does not diminish the rest of the people taken off the hate/hit list and i still feel like a better person because i still have cut a lot of hate out of my life. i guess you really can't like everybody all the time.

thoughts.

last semester:

dormant
time is so strange here.
days are shorter, nights are longer.
but my nights have become my days
and days are quickly slept away.
responsibilities have been forgone
for staying asleep in your arms.
feeling safe, i continue to lie there
reveling in your sleepy charms.
i think i love you most
when you first awake.
lazily you gaze over at me,
and a smile spreads across your face.
so our day begins as others' are ending,
and a love lain dormant erupts.


this semester:

question
you ask me what i'm thinking
and i feign sleep to avoid giving an answer.
if you knew the words i choose to choke down,
would you draw me closer?
or run away in fear?
is it too soon to say?
is that even what i'm feeling?
i don't know what to think anymore.
and no, i don't want to change.
but it's going to happen, and change,
change is scary. and i can't do it alone.
so my question is this:
why is it that love is something we seek,
and crave from those we hold dear.
yet when first expressing that love,
we give into fear,
and hesitate?

same.

it's the same thing, different year.

the suffocation, the headaches, the feeling that i'm not good enough and never will be.

and it's all thanks to this house.

resolution.

resolution time.



any ideas?



EDIT: later that day...
resolution: to stop disliking people for no reason. this includes the people i already dislike for no reason/not a very good reason. it's a pretty bad habit i've developed and i need to weed out the hate in my life. i think this is a pretty doable start. so, no more will i say, "idk, i just don't like them..." or "it's just something about them" or "well they cut in front of me in line that one time, so now i don't like them." this year, i'm spreading the love.

quiz.

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament
Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.



it's very rare that i come across one of those silly internet quizzes that describes me to a tea, but this one did. i feel like right now, i'm at my worst, and it wasn't until i read the ending of the description that i realized it. buhhh.