living.

growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

my mom's cousin said the other day "we used to have fun" after regaling stories of her and my mom when they were younger.

when i'm older, i don't want to say that. i want to say "yeah, i had fun. i'm still having fun." there was just such a longing in her voice. it was as if she really didn't have very much fun anymore. that bothers me. why do people associate growing up with becoming more responsible, and therefore not being able to have fun? can't you have both? i think that this is one cake that i'll be damned if i don't have it and eat it, too.

that's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. they forget. they don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. they patronize, they treat children as inferiors. well i won't do that.
-walt disney

abstract.

lines, shapes, splatters
dancing across canvas
water marks, stretch marks
telling stories of people past
life has gone by
abstract and in motion
remaining still is not an option
and hatred's just a waste
waiting for the right moment
leaves me only wanting
the right moment never stays
it is like a passing wind
stirring up leaves, unattainable, and
gone as quick as it came
so splatter more paint, weave more lines
for when the painting's finished,
a blank canvas will not suffice

possible career choice: writer?

progress.

song #1: time won't let me go
artist: the bravery

this is an interesting "regret" song. it's not things the singer's regretting he did, rather what he didn't do. i know how that goes. i previously wrote about bravery and ultimately holding things in because of fear. out of all the things in my life, the things i regret are the things i didn't do. and that was because of fear. i'm not going to say that i'm going to live without regrets from now on because that's just stupid and i'm not going to say that i'm not going to dwell on those regrets because i just don't think that's possible for me to do. i am going to say, though, that after having been told i was brave by a friend of mine [and me denying this shamefully in my head], that's something i'm going to try to work on. i'm tired of not saying what i want to say or doing what i want to do.

song #2: maintenance hall, 4 a.m.
artist: stars

i actually haven't listened to this song before. so what i'm saying now is out of pure awe. the piano is beautiful. i can't understand what the robot thing in the background is saying, but i'm not really paying attention to it either. this song reminds me of the day of my granddad's funeral. it was a sunny day, but that didn't seem right at all. it felt like i was going through the motions of everything, but i wasn't really there. nothing seemed right. but people kept on going around me, the world kept spinning, marching onward as it always does.

song #3: my name is
artist: eminem

remember back in the day when eminem was cool? or maybe not cool, but taken seriously as a mucisian? yeah, i didn't like him all that much. i still don't like him all that much. regardless, he's on my ipod. mainly because i find his music amusing. but back then, when everyone else was all big on him, i pretended like i knew what they were talking about when they quoted his lyrics. why? i suppose i wanted to be accepted. i wanted to blend in and be cool. now, i embrace my dorkiness. i like what sets me apart from other people. i like and accept that i'm pretty weird. would i have liked to learn this acceptance of myself earlier in life? probably not. i wouldn't be who i am today if i had grown up any differently. and you know what? i kind of like who i am right now.

song #4: god is a dj
artist: p!nk

i love the devil-may-care attitude of this song. one of the biggest problems i've had growing up is caring way too much about what others think of me. i still do it. it's a really hard habit to break. as much as i hate to admit it, the way i feel about myself is usually greatly based on what others think of me. you see, i'm really good at reading people so i can usually tell what they think of me after a conversation or two with them. but right now i'm working on ways i can not be so hard on myself and i'm trying to enjoy being me a little more each day.

song #5: never let you down
artist: the verve pipe

i absolutely hate letting people down. it's one of the worst things i can think to do to someone. the phrase "i'm disappointed in you" is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to me. it would sting the most. but i'm beginning to realize that people make mistakes. as much as i'd like to, i can't be there for everyone and do what's best for me at the same time. for as long as i can remember, i've never put myself first. but a wise man, by the name of bob kelso said it best: "who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? just look into your heart and do whatever the hell makes you happy." since i've never thought about what makes me happy, i've gotten into a jam with the whole major and career thing. as weird as it's going to be, i'm going to have to start putting myself first and doing what's best for me. otherwise, i'm terrified i'm going to be stuck right where i am, not progressing, and never being able to better myself as a person.

surrendering.

when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on

i've had enough.
and i don't know if i can hang on.

unrequited.

why is it that i can't keep a certain person off my mind? why is it that i always want him to pop up in the most random places just so i can be near him? i know it's better for me to not think about things like that, and i'm trying really hard not to dwell on things that are going to hurt me in the long run, but what do you do when your heart and your head are telling you two different things?

the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you
-anonymous