i've been craving the strangest things today. an hour ago it was a banana. now i really really really want some fried pickles with dill sauce and french fries with honey mustard. stupid hormones. they're making me emotional too. and i'm not a fan of it. at all.
i feel like i'm constantly annoying people. maybe that's why i've been missing ally so much more than usual lately. she's like the one person i know i've never felt like i've been a nuisance to. unless i was intentionally being one by picking on her, which is fun until she starts throwing things at you.
i'm not even really looking forward to saturday anymore. mainly because of the whole "feeling as though i'm annoying people" thing.
also in my alone time this summer, i've noticed a pattern in the people i don't like: they're all prettier than me. and that's not the reason i dislike them but it does, naturally, make me like them even less. and i hate that. i hate not liking people. because then i assume that i only dislike them because i think they're better than i am and i already have enough inferiority issues as it is.
ugh.
this summer is turning out to be a really craptastic one.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
productivity.
well. i have no idea what to write about.
but it's 1:31AM and i can't sleep (again) so i feel like i should do something that at least SEEMS productive.
sigh
why do i do this to myself? i start looking forward to something and then i start playing out scenarios in my head of how that thing could go. unfortunately, the scenarios in my head are typically directed by some big budget hollywood hot shot so they end up completely unrealistic. then whenever the thing does occur and it's just a simple, everyday life situation, i get disappointed.
and disappointment is the last thing i need right now.
cause, seriously. that combined with sadness and insomnia very well may kill me.
but it's 1:31AM and i can't sleep (again) so i feel like i should do something that at least SEEMS productive.
sigh
why do i do this to myself? i start looking forward to something and then i start playing out scenarios in my head of how that thing could go. unfortunately, the scenarios in my head are typically directed by some big budget hollywood hot shot so they end up completely unrealistic. then whenever the thing does occur and it's just a simple, everyday life situation, i get disappointed.
and disappointment is the last thing i need right now.
cause, seriously. that combined with sadness and insomnia very well may kill me.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
jumper.
everyone thinks about leaping off a building.
-karen eiffel, "stranger than fiction"
this "please don't jump" movement thing has really gotten me thinking. if you don't know, a postcard was sent to the postsecret guy (frank) from someone in san fancisco saying they were going to jump off the golden gate bridge this summer. shortly after the postcard appeared on the website, a facebook group was formed and according to this week's postsecret blogspot (scroll all the way down), frank hasn't heard anything since last week from the anonymous sender of the postcard.
when i first saw the postcard, it struck a chord in me. one i don't like to think or talk about, but for some reason feel the need to blog about. it's kind of pathetic.
at a really, really bad point in my life, i contemplated suicide as well. like this person, i felt i didn't belong anywhere. i felt unloved, unwanted, and just wanted to stop burdening people with my strangeness and moodiness.
and i knew if i was going to do it, i was going to jump. like jenny from forrest gump, i was going to fly far, far away from here. i didn't confess this to anyone, like this anonymous sender did. i didn't want anyone to know what i was planning, lest they watch me like a hawk and make it impossible.
the point is, anytime i would say something very depressing or allude to the fact that i was thinking about ending it, someone would come along and say, "you're so special. you've got your whole life ahead of you. you're a wonderful girl." and not once did it make me feel better. and that was coming from people i knew. some of them i even loved.
so i can't help but wonder if this person even cares about all these people that he/she doesn't know joining a facebook group when, had he or she never sent the postcard in in the first place, these people wouldn't have cared less or known to care if he/she had jumped. i mean, don't get me wrong. maybe it is helping. and i hope to god it does help and this person doesn't take their own life.
but what if it doesn't work?
-karen eiffel, "stranger than fiction"
this "please don't jump" movement thing has really gotten me thinking. if you don't know, a postcard was sent to the postsecret guy (frank) from someone in san fancisco saying they were going to jump off the golden gate bridge this summer. shortly after the postcard appeared on the website, a facebook group was formed and according to this week's postsecret blogspot (scroll all the way down), frank hasn't heard anything since last week from the anonymous sender of the postcard.
when i first saw the postcard, it struck a chord in me. one i don't like to think or talk about, but for some reason feel the need to blog about. it's kind of pathetic.
at a really, really bad point in my life, i contemplated suicide as well. like this person, i felt i didn't belong anywhere. i felt unloved, unwanted, and just wanted to stop burdening people with my strangeness and moodiness.
and i knew if i was going to do it, i was going to jump. like jenny from forrest gump, i was going to fly far, far away from here. i didn't confess this to anyone, like this anonymous sender did. i didn't want anyone to know what i was planning, lest they watch me like a hawk and make it impossible.
the point is, anytime i would say something very depressing or allude to the fact that i was thinking about ending it, someone would come along and say, "you're so special. you've got your whole life ahead of you. you're a wonderful girl." and not once did it make me feel better. and that was coming from people i knew. some of them i even loved.
so i can't help but wonder if this person even cares about all these people that he/she doesn't know joining a facebook group when, had he or she never sent the postcard in in the first place, these people wouldn't have cared less or known to care if he/she had jumped. i mean, don't get me wrong. maybe it is helping. and i hope to god it does help and this person doesn't take their own life.
but what if it doesn't work?
tattoos, pt. 2
pending on how loyal of a follower you are, you may remember wayyy back in april when i made a list of tattoos i want to get. to refresh your memory, here's a link to it.
now, at that point in time i was very conflicted about which one i wanted to get first because i've heard one of two things from people who have tattoos:
1) they're addictive. i can't wait to get my next one.
2) one's enough for me. i couldn't go through the pain of having another one done.
this means that there is about a 50/50 chance of me only having one tattoo and i wanted to pick the one on the list that would mean the most to me and i would be happiest with for the longest.
fact: i suck at making decisions. especially long-term ones. but, i've finally come to one.
first of all, the spider one probably won't happen at all. i say this because i looked up "spider tattoos" on google images and they were either really gross and disturbing or they looked like a clipart picture stuck to someone's body. the only design i really liked was the venom spider and that design is currently tattooed to the abdomen of my ex. so, i'm still really on the fence about that one and i'm not getting something tattooed on me forever if i'm not over 9000% sure about it.
second of all, the first tattoo i'm getting is the first one i ever wanted. the beatles strawberry one. that was the one i first imagined myself saying i wanted and following through with getting it. and i'm planning on getting it for my birthday as a gift to myself (and if someone wants to chip in, i'm more than okay with that). so i'll have to wait until september, but i was planning on waiting until i got out of my parents' house anyway. and even though i got the design from evan rachel wood, that's the most personal one to me. it's the one i've had the longest connection with and the one i've put the most thought in to. simply put, it's the one i love the most.
third of all, i finally decided where i'm going to get it put. well, no. that's not true. but i've narrowed it down to two places i would like for it to be. one of the places is on my ankle, on the inside of my leg close to where evan rachel wood has her's. the other is on the left side of my chest (underneath the boob), on my ribs.
6/17/10 EDIT: wow that really just cut off there. i've been thinking a lot about this lately and as of right now, i'm about 95% sure i'm going to get it on the spot on my ribs. that seems the most concealable and i was messing around the other day and drew an outline there. it really fit for me. i'm so ready to get this that it's not even funny.
now, at that point in time i was very conflicted about which one i wanted to get first because i've heard one of two things from people who have tattoos:
1) they're addictive. i can't wait to get my next one.
2) one's enough for me. i couldn't go through the pain of having another one done.
this means that there is about a 50/50 chance of me only having one tattoo and i wanted to pick the one on the list that would mean the most to me and i would be happiest with for the longest.
fact: i suck at making decisions. especially long-term ones. but, i've finally come to one.
first of all, the spider one probably won't happen at all. i say this because i looked up "spider tattoos" on google images and they were either really gross and disturbing or they looked like a clipart picture stuck to someone's body. the only design i really liked was the venom spider and that design is currently tattooed to the abdomen of my ex. so, i'm still really on the fence about that one and i'm not getting something tattooed on me forever if i'm not over 9000% sure about it.
second of all, the first tattoo i'm getting is the first one i ever wanted. the beatles strawberry one. that was the one i first imagined myself saying i wanted and following through with getting it. and i'm planning on getting it for my birthday as a gift to myself (and if someone wants to chip in, i'm more than okay with that). so i'll have to wait until september, but i was planning on waiting until i got out of my parents' house anyway. and even though i got the design from evan rachel wood, that's the most personal one to me. it's the one i've had the longest connection with and the one i've put the most thought in to. simply put, it's the one i love the most.
third of all, i finally decided where i'm going to get it put. well, no. that's not true. but i've narrowed it down to two places i would like for it to be. one of the places is on my ankle, on the inside of my leg close to where evan rachel wood has her's. the other is on the left side of my chest (underneath the boob), on my ribs.
6/17/10 EDIT: wow that really just cut off there. i've been thinking a lot about this lately and as of right now, i'm about 95% sure i'm going to get it on the spot on my ribs. that seems the most concealable and i was messing around the other day and drew an outline there. it really fit for me. i'm so ready to get this that it's not even funny.
Friday, June 11, 2010
conflicted.
i don't know why blogger won't let you go directly from a blog to your dashboard. it seems so silly. i have to pretend i want to make a new post and then click the dashboard button. that makes me feel bad for all the unwritten blogs i've opened up.
but i'm straying from the topic at hand.
which is...man. i don't even know what it is.
i'm so conflicted right now. just a month ago, i wouldn't be able to go this long without talking to him. (3 days. and yes, i just realized how pathetic that is. sue me.) now it doesn't bother me all much. like, at all. well, maybe a little, but that's only when taking into consideration how our last conversation ended.
still, at the same time, i really don't like the idea of him acknowledging her.
*sigh*
maybe i really am just that selfish.
but i'm straying from the topic at hand.
which is...man. i don't even know what it is.
i'm so conflicted right now. just a month ago, i wouldn't be able to go this long without talking to him. (3 days. and yes, i just realized how pathetic that is. sue me.) now it doesn't bother me all much. like, at all. well, maybe a little, but that's only when taking into consideration how our last conversation ended.
still, at the same time, i really don't like the idea of him acknowledging her.
*sigh*
maybe i really am just that selfish.
Monday, June 7, 2010
admittance.
the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
i want to be in a relationship again. i hate being single. i'm happier when i'm with somebody. and i hate admitting that. god i hate it. i wish i could express the exasperation i'm feeling right now admitting this. i've paced, i've slumped over, i've held my head in my hands, all trying to figure out what to say next. trying to figure out what i want to say, what i'm ready to admit.
i mean, yeah, sure. i can be happy by myself. i've had plenty of fun and good times being single. my point is that i was happier when i was in a relationship. everything just seemed better.
and, yes, i do have a specific person in mind. but he's going to go unnamed. it's not like anything's going to happen there anyway.
i want to be in a relationship again. i hate being single. i'm happier when i'm with somebody. and i hate admitting that. god i hate it. i wish i could express the exasperation i'm feeling right now admitting this. i've paced, i've slumped over, i've held my head in my hands, all trying to figure out what to say next. trying to figure out what i want to say, what i'm ready to admit.
i mean, yeah, sure. i can be happy by myself. i've had plenty of fun and good times being single. my point is that i was happier when i was in a relationship. everything just seemed better.
and, yes, i do have a specific person in mind. but he's going to go unnamed. it's not like anything's going to happen there anyway.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
ipod.
i stopped listening to my ipod for a while. i'm not really sure why, but i switched over to listening to cds that i've made over the past couple years. i switched back today and realized that i was limiting myself very much with my cds. i have so much music i have yet to listen to on my ipod from people sharing bands with me, saying, "oh my god you'll love them!" so, new project for the summer: go through the albums on my ipod and listen to every one straight through.
but i'm starting that tomorrow. today, i just had all 8000+ songs on shuffle and one came on that i haven't heard in a while, although it used to be my favorite song: "here's looking at you kid" by the gaslight anthem.
and i was listening to this song with new ears. no longer did i just hear a guy listing his past relationships and how they ended. i was hearing the message he was sending out, what he learned from beginning all of these relationships. every time we enter into a new relationship, we're hoping that this will be the one we'll end up with forever. we know that the odds are completely stacked against us, but there's that chance that this is the person for us and we're willing to take it. it's a great risk, not one any smart gambler would take, but for some reason we all take it.
and then when those relationships do end, it's not because we wanted them to. it's because they had to. something greater than ourselves was telling us it was time to move on because this person isn't the right one, no matter how it may feel right now. and although we don't want to admit it, it's for the best. to quote the movie the song has quoted, "we'll always have paris."
when i was listening to this song, for each situation i had a particular boy in mind. so i switched up the lyrics a little bit. don't worry, everyone's been given a code name (though i think that if they were to stumble upon here they'd be able to pick themselves out immediately). but that's beside the point.
you can tell gayle, if she calls,
that i'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
and even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
when we were kids on the field of the first day of school,
i would've been her fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old high school halls.
you tell that to gayle, if she calls.
you can tell ray, if he calls,
that i'm famous now for all those scribbles of poems.
and even if that's a lie, he should've given me a try.
when we were kids on that night of the first day of school,
i would've been his fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old collegiate halls.
you tell that to ray, if he calls.
and you can tell janey, if she writes,
that i'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy hollywood nights.
and that's a total deceit, but she should've married me.
and tell her i spent every night of my youth on the floor,
bleeding out from all these wounds.
i would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
you tell that to janey, if she writes.
and you can tell robby, if he writes,
that i'm high off all these stars and all these crazy rock hill nights.
and that's total deceit, but he should've been with me.
and tell him i spent every night with him on the bed,
pining for him to love me once again.
i would've gotten him a ride out of that town he despised.
you tell that to robby, if he writes.
but boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
that will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
and all you can do is just wait by the moon
and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.
you remind anna, if she asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
i heard she lives in brooklyn with the cool,
goes crazy over that new york scene on 7th avenue.
but i used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
praying she won't cancel again tonight.
and the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
you remind anna, if she asks why.
you remind merritt, if he asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while he was making up his mind.
i heard he lives in newberry with the folks,
feels at peace again in that small hometown he knows.
but i used to wait outside, a million nights without him,
praying he'd drive by again tonight.
and the moon looked down upon me with a consolation sigh.
you remind merrit, if he asks why.
tell her it's all right.
you know it's hard to tell you this.
oh it's hard to tell you this.
here's looking at you, kid.
but i'm starting that tomorrow. today, i just had all 8000+ songs on shuffle and one came on that i haven't heard in a while, although it used to be my favorite song: "here's looking at you kid" by the gaslight anthem.
and i was listening to this song with new ears. no longer did i just hear a guy listing his past relationships and how they ended. i was hearing the message he was sending out, what he learned from beginning all of these relationships. every time we enter into a new relationship, we're hoping that this will be the one we'll end up with forever. we know that the odds are completely stacked against us, but there's that chance that this is the person for us and we're willing to take it. it's a great risk, not one any smart gambler would take, but for some reason we all take it.
and then when those relationships do end, it's not because we wanted them to. it's because they had to. something greater than ourselves was telling us it was time to move on because this person isn't the right one, no matter how it may feel right now. and although we don't want to admit it, it's for the best. to quote the movie the song has quoted, "we'll always have paris."
when i was listening to this song, for each situation i had a particular boy in mind. so i switched up the lyrics a little bit. don't worry, everyone's been given a code name (though i think that if they were to stumble upon here they'd be able to pick themselves out immediately). but that's beside the point.
you can tell gayle, if she calls,
that i'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
and even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
when we were kids on the field of the first day of school,
i would've been her fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old high school halls.
you tell that to gayle, if she calls.
you can tell ray, if he calls,
that i'm famous now for all those scribbles of poems.
and even if that's a lie, he should've given me a try.
when we were kids on that night of the first day of school,
i would've been his fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old collegiate halls.
you tell that to ray, if he calls.
and you can tell janey, if she writes,
that i'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy hollywood nights.
and that's a total deceit, but she should've married me.
and tell her i spent every night of my youth on the floor,
bleeding out from all these wounds.
i would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
you tell that to janey, if she writes.
and you can tell robby, if he writes,
that i'm high off all these stars and all these crazy rock hill nights.
and that's total deceit, but he should've been with me.
and tell him i spent every night with him on the bed,
pining for him to love me once again.
i would've gotten him a ride out of that town he despised.
you tell that to robby, if he writes.
but boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
that will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
and all you can do is just wait by the moon
and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.
you remind anna, if she asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
i heard she lives in brooklyn with the cool,
goes crazy over that new york scene on 7th avenue.
but i used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
praying she won't cancel again tonight.
and the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
you remind anna, if she asks why.
you remind merritt, if he asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while he was making up his mind.
i heard he lives in newberry with the folks,
feels at peace again in that small hometown he knows.
but i used to wait outside, a million nights without him,
praying he'd drive by again tonight.
and the moon looked down upon me with a consolation sigh.
you remind merrit, if he asks why.
tell her it's all right.
you know it's hard to tell you this.
oh it's hard to tell you this.
here's looking at you, kid.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
caving.
have you ever been swindled by a swindler who lies
'cause he wants to see you smile, have a good time, be inspired?
and he doesn’t want for you to cry or know he cries inside
so he hides behind his great triumphant rock and roll disguise.
if you could only understand how perfect this question and statement are. except they weren't lies. things just changed.
we want things to be real but you really can’t deny
we feel excited and on fire.
i think i've been confusing this. i thought "real" was the feeling of "excited and on fire." maybe, kimya, we'll agree to disagree on this one.
is it wrong to lie and say he’s fine
when the reason he’s not fine is the pressure of the power changing lives?
and just for an hour all these people will be better people.
i wish i could be a better person. i wish i weren't a selfish, vain, spoiled, envious person. i feel like saying "but, like any habits, these are hard to break." that's not an excuse. i'll work on it. but i'm not making any promises. i'm lazy too.
take this job and shove it, adios i’m a ghost.
i am leaving for the coast and i’ll never work for anyone again.
the beach really is a magical place. i wish i were there now.
i am not your savior or your heavenly host.
i’m just a piece of zwieback toast,
getting soggy in a baby’s aching mouth.
i like to help you. but stop coming to me for EVERYTHING. i've got my own issues to deal with. learn to work through some of yours.
i’m going south like the geese.
i just goosed you and so maybe i seem loose to you,
but i don’t even want to screw.
and i did once, but not now.
i don't want to screw with anyone but you. i don't want to be loose with anyone but you. i need to get over that.
now that i see how you do things.
the way you play and sing’s amazing,
but the way you play the game is crazy.
you don’t have to say you’re sorry, you don’t owe me anything
don’t owe me anything.
i owe you so much.
sometimes it seems like i’ve got all the answers
but the answers aren’t the same when the questions keep on changing.
i'm tired of being the go to person for relationship advice. is the requirement for this position 19 years of being alone and then a 3 month relationship? cause those seems like some real sucky prerequisites.
like how will i react when i see my mother crying
every single day cause she’s afraid of dying?
and how will i contain my anger
when delilah plays unchained melody instead of lost in your eyes?
and where will i go where i can feel safe
when my family sells it’s place and we all split up and move away?
i'm terrified of this happening. as suffocating as this house can be, i would hate for my family to not be together.
i'm trying to be brave 'cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
i was told i was brave once. i still don't believe him.
i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
i'm trying to be brave. really, i am.
i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
but the first step is the hardest to take. especially when the first step isn't taken whole-heartedly.
-kimya dawson, "caving in"
'cause he wants to see you smile, have a good time, be inspired?
and he doesn’t want for you to cry or know he cries inside
so he hides behind his great triumphant rock and roll disguise.
if you could only understand how perfect this question and statement are. except they weren't lies. things just changed.
we want things to be real but you really can’t deny
we feel excited and on fire.
i think i've been confusing this. i thought "real" was the feeling of "excited and on fire." maybe, kimya, we'll agree to disagree on this one.
is it wrong to lie and say he’s fine
when the reason he’s not fine is the pressure of the power changing lives?
and just for an hour all these people will be better people.
i wish i could be a better person. i wish i weren't a selfish, vain, spoiled, envious person. i feel like saying "but, like any habits, these are hard to break." that's not an excuse. i'll work on it. but i'm not making any promises. i'm lazy too.
take this job and shove it, adios i’m a ghost.
i am leaving for the coast and i’ll never work for anyone again.
the beach really is a magical place. i wish i were there now.
i am not your savior or your heavenly host.
i’m just a piece of zwieback toast,
getting soggy in a baby’s aching mouth.
i like to help you. but stop coming to me for EVERYTHING. i've got my own issues to deal with. learn to work through some of yours.
i’m going south like the geese.
i just goosed you and so maybe i seem loose to you,
but i don’t even want to screw.
and i did once, but not now.
i don't want to screw with anyone but you. i don't want to be loose with anyone but you. i need to get over that.
now that i see how you do things.
the way you play and sing’s amazing,
but the way you play the game is crazy.
you don’t have to say you’re sorry, you don’t owe me anything
don’t owe me anything.
i owe you so much.
sometimes it seems like i’ve got all the answers
but the answers aren’t the same when the questions keep on changing.
i'm tired of being the go to person for relationship advice. is the requirement for this position 19 years of being alone and then a 3 month relationship? cause those seems like some real sucky prerequisites.
like how will i react when i see my mother crying
every single day cause she’s afraid of dying?
and how will i contain my anger
when delilah plays unchained melody instead of lost in your eyes?
and where will i go where i can feel safe
when my family sells it’s place and we all split up and move away?
i'm terrified of this happening. as suffocating as this house can be, i would hate for my family to not be together.
i'm trying to be brave 'cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
i was told i was brave once. i still don't believe him.
i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
i'm trying to be brave. really, i am.
i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.
but the first step is the hardest to take. especially when the first step isn't taken whole-heartedly.
-kimya dawson, "caving in"
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
consciousness, pt. 10
i feel like i should say something special about this being the tenth installment of this particular "series" of blog entries, but i can't think of anything. this acknowledgement is enough.
today was my second day working as a lifeguard. maybe signing up for a job where i'm in the sun all day wasn't such a good idea for someone with skin as fair as mine. but oh well. what's a little melanoma here and there? kidding. once i gets past the first couple burns i'll be alright for the rest of the summer. and nothing too bad's happened yet.
i was kind of hoping there'd be another play going on this summer that i could participate in at the ritz. i don't really know if i'd have the time to do it, but considering the latest i'll ever work (on a regular basis) is 6:30, i'd probably have more time than last summer. but, alas, i haven't heard of anything. i really do love acting. it's a shame i don't have the balls to declare theater as a major and pursue a career in that. blast. maybe i'll just try out for another school play next semester, one that consists of more than seven parts and isn't student directed (less chance of favoritism). it's there, no point in denying it.
i crave movies and i've been craving "rent" for the past couple days now. thankfully, i have the soundtrack so that's enough to tide me over for the time being. but as soon as i get enough money, i'm going to go get a membership at family video (since the blockbuster in town closed) and rent that sucker. who knows? i might even just sign up for a netflix account. i don't think dad's going to be getting me one anytime soon, even though he used to try to make me ask for one for christmas and my birthday multiple years in a row. i was listening to "another day" today on repeat. that one's definitely my favorite song from the musical. i haven't figured out the significance of that, but i will one day. "what you own" comes in a close second, but i think that's mainly because of the way they filmed it in the movie.
i want to know why. i mean, when you're in a friends with benefits kind of friendship, it's usually CASUAL, right? the "friends" part comes first, does it not? it's "oh, hey, we're an hour and a half away, we're friends right now. we're not gonna plan an elaborate meeting to hook up. oh, hey, now we're in the same town. i don't have anything to do and an empty room. you want to go? you do? sweet." there isn't planning. there isn't a "let's do it this weekend...change of plans. next weekend? ok. crap that doesn't work either. next weekend FOR SURE." and there sure as heck isn't an hour and a half drive that has to be endured by one of the parties. so why? why are you going through all this trouble? then getting your hopes up and then let down when things don't work out? wasn't summer supposed to bring the time you felt it required (but didn't have during the school year) to find a replacement for me? i know we decided to leave things open-ended, but i thought we would keep up with the same "oh, hey, we happen to be in the same town at the same time" kind of thing.
*bathroom break*
i have a horrible headache. i think i might be dehydrated. i forgot to take a water bottle to work.
drat. why did this song have to come on? "cotton" by the mountain goats. don't get me wrong, i love the song. it's just kind of hard for me to listen to. regardless, i'm not going to skip it. i need to hear it. let it all go...
p.s. that earlier rant earlier about friends with benefits was the "what i really want to say in the midst of the bullshit" i mentioned this series of blog entries was all about way back in consciousness, pt. 7.
today was my second day working as a lifeguard. maybe signing up for a job where i'm in the sun all day wasn't such a good idea for someone with skin as fair as mine. but oh well. what's a little melanoma here and there? kidding. once i gets past the first couple burns i'll be alright for the rest of the summer. and nothing too bad's happened yet.
i was kind of hoping there'd be another play going on this summer that i could participate in at the ritz. i don't really know if i'd have the time to do it, but considering the latest i'll ever work (on a regular basis) is 6:30, i'd probably have more time than last summer. but, alas, i haven't heard of anything. i really do love acting. it's a shame i don't have the balls to declare theater as a major and pursue a career in that. blast. maybe i'll just try out for another school play next semester, one that consists of more than seven parts and isn't student directed (less chance of favoritism). it's there, no point in denying it.
i crave movies and i've been craving "rent" for the past couple days now. thankfully, i have the soundtrack so that's enough to tide me over for the time being. but as soon as i get enough money, i'm going to go get a membership at family video (since the blockbuster in town closed) and rent that sucker. who knows? i might even just sign up for a netflix account. i don't think dad's going to be getting me one anytime soon, even though he used to try to make me ask for one for christmas and my birthday multiple years in a row. i was listening to "another day" today on repeat. that one's definitely my favorite song from the musical. i haven't figured out the significance of that, but i will one day. "what you own" comes in a close second, but i think that's mainly because of the way they filmed it in the movie.
i want to know why. i mean, when you're in a friends with benefits kind of friendship, it's usually CASUAL, right? the "friends" part comes first, does it not? it's "oh, hey, we're an hour and a half away, we're friends right now. we're not gonna plan an elaborate meeting to hook up. oh, hey, now we're in the same town. i don't have anything to do and an empty room. you want to go? you do? sweet." there isn't planning. there isn't a "let's do it this weekend...change of plans. next weekend? ok. crap that doesn't work either. next weekend FOR SURE." and there sure as heck isn't an hour and a half drive that has to be endured by one of the parties. so why? why are you going through all this trouble? then getting your hopes up and then let down when things don't work out? wasn't summer supposed to bring the time you felt it required (but didn't have during the school year) to find a replacement for me? i know we decided to leave things open-ended, but i thought we would keep up with the same "oh, hey, we happen to be in the same town at the same time" kind of thing.
*bathroom break*
i have a horrible headache. i think i might be dehydrated. i forgot to take a water bottle to work.
drat. why did this song have to come on? "cotton" by the mountain goats. don't get me wrong, i love the song. it's just kind of hard for me to listen to. regardless, i'm not going to skip it. i need to hear it. let it all go...
p.s. that earlier rant earlier about friends with benefits was the "what i really want to say in the midst of the bullshit" i mentioned this series of blog entries was all about way back in consciousness, pt. 7.
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