..

i miss my twin.
i didn't even know him.

effy syndrome.

effy : cookie :: kat : ______
effy : freddie :: kat : ____

(she fucks cookie because he's not the one she wants.
she won't be with freddie because she doesn't want to break his heart.)

dearest palmer ray,

(he's never on here anymore so I feel safe using a real name this time)
(also, I feel safe in the fact that he wouldn't judge me for what I'm about to say if he were to stumble across this)
(he may think I'm crazy(ier) for this but, let's be honest, who doesn't?)

Palmer Ray,

Now that all of the disclaimers are out of the way, in my downtime at work I was rereading your blog* and came to the "holy wow" realization of my school girl crush on you my freshman year at Winthrop. I idolized you before I even really knew you; I placed you on my very own pedestal. And then I got to know you and your "dark side." -By dark side, I don't mean your evil side. I mean your not-so-perfect side, the side you tried to keep hidden from most people.- After seeing that, if it's possible, I liked you even more. In all my delusions, I thought we were going somewhere. I didn't understand what you meant when you said that "now is not a good time for anything to happen." I held on to my delusions and kept thinking that a few months down the road, "now" would be over and things would be okay. But that never happened. I was so angry with you for "leading me on" (18-year-old me's words, not mine today). I had no idea that the boy I put on the pedestal had more shit to deal with than I was led to believe.

Over the summer, with torch for you still lit, I decided to put all of that behind me. And it worked. That fall, I got my first boyfriend (a role I, silly enough, thought you were going to fill) who you didn't like. A couple nights before we ended up breaking up, you told me I could do much, much better. I didn't want to believe you. I always thought that was something people said when they were talking about themselves and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But a couple weeks later, when I was still hurting, you were there for me. It wasn't what I expected but you need to know that, to me, it was beautiful just waking up next to you. I truly meant it when I told you that all I wanted was to fall asleep next to someone and I can't imagine a better person for me at that point in time. I wasn't delusional enough at that point to think that night was going to lead to anything more than what it was. You were a friend who was there for me and I can't thank you enough for that.

After that, I moved back home for the summer and you moved out of Rock Hill for good. As with what usually happens in those cases, I saw you less than I already did. In your absence, I attempted some soul searching and came to the conclusion that there are three guys who have come into my life that I will always hold a torch for and you are one of them. (This is the blog post about that: you're "ray" in my version. Clever, I know). You are and continue to be one of the most amazing people it's ever been my pleasure to meet. I love it when you share your music with me; I love the hugs I get from you when I do see you; and I love hanging out with you when it's possible. I do want to come down and visit you sometime over the summer because seeing you only once a year just isn't going to cut it anymore. You're a great guy and I hope to god you're finding your way to happiness.

All my love,
Kat


*SIDE NOTE: Just to slightly defend my sanity; Blogger is one of the few sites I'm allowed to access on work computers, so I was musing around and realized I still had some things to say. This is all kind of raw and spur of the moment.

AI fans are annoying.

I don't mind American Idol. It doesn't bother me. I do my thing and it does it's thing and we go about not interacting and we're both okay with that.

But, good God. Those American Idol fans.

Every week, my Facebook feed is abuzz with people complaining about how the show is rigged and this season isn't nearly as good and why did they get rid of Paula/Simon and the show is rigged and their favorite person left and the "fan favorite" left and all of this is because the show is rigged. (The general pattern here being that the show is rigged.)

And it gets so much worse when I stumble upon "news" articles about the show with other people's comments on them. I say so much worse because they're usually 20x as angry about it and it looks as though they couldn't pass elementary school grammar. But, I digress.

The thing I need to rant about right now (since I refuse to do so on any message board lest some troll try and declare a flame war against me) is that THE RIGGING OF GAME SHOWS IS ILLEGAL. It has been since the 1950s when a game show was caught rigging the show so the more interesting and better looking contestants won. Because that seemed extremely unfair (to put it lightly) to the public, the people in charge of television decided to make it illegal for anyone to rig a game show. And, yes, by anyone I mean: producers, hosts, contestants, assistants, cameramen, snack boys, whatever.

Being that rigging a game show is illegal, I highly, highly doubt the people in charge of American Idol are stupid enough to try and rig something so big. Because, let's face it, the more people involved in something, the more likely it is that that something is going to get leaked. And then that's a whole lotta trouble for a whole lotta people.

Now. It is NOT illegal for them to manipulate their footage so that it looks like someone is a fan favorite when actual tallies suggest otherwise. That's a ratings-booting technique. And just because someone is your favorite, that doesn't mean that everyone else likes them and will vote for them too.

So, please, can we stop being so ignorant about something so trivial?

I'm tired.

(and repetitive. just to warn you)

I'm tired of constantly feeling jealous of this one person and
I'm tired of the fact that I can't make myself stop being jealous.

I'm tired of being single but also
I'm tired of rejecting guys I'm just flat out not interested in. And
I'm tired of the ones I am interested in rejecting me.

I'm tired of this sickening feeling that I won't cut it this year.
I'm tired of having to be good enough and
I'm tired of the idea of losing precious money for school when I'm not.

I'm tired of school but I know in about a month or so
I'll be tired of summer too.

I'm tired of not having anything to do and
I'm tired of finding new ways to tell people I'm too busy to hang out.

I'm tired of being confusing and
I'm tired of being confused.

back again.

I don't know what to do with this blog. I love it, I just never find my way over here.

Also, I'm worried that the person who gave me all that shit on formspring about this blog didn't forget about it in my hiatus. I'm reluctant as to what to say and feel I need to over explain things and that's not how I should feel on my own blog.

But I'm keeping it.

It's just gonna take baby steps to get back into the habit of it.

cutting ties.

So I finally told Taylor Friday night/Saturday morning that I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I was drunk and it was via text so I don't think he thought I was being serious but I have to stick to it this time. And I feel like I'll be okay sticking with it this time. (Plus, sober me the next day didn't want to text him again and say I made a mistake because I was drunk.)

Anyway, this has been a long time coming and Friday night really sealed the deal (clearly). Here's a few reasons why just so I can clear my head of thinking about all of this shit:

1. We're supposed to be friends. For a while, we were. We were friends first, friends with benefits second. Lately though, it's just about the benefits. We couldn't even watch a Dexter's Lab marathon without him wanting to pause it and fool around. And we can't hang out unless there's the guarantee that we're going to hook up. Long story short, I've become a hook-up/booty call/whatever and I'm tired of it.

2. I've been putting wayyy more into this friendship than he has. I thought of him as one of my best friends, while it seemed he couldn't care less if I was still in his life or not. Well, congratulations buddy. You got your wish.

3. He treats the people who refuse to stay in his life better than those who try to be his friend and stay close to him (which will all be reflected a little better in the following reasons).

(and the few straws that broke the camel's back on Friday)

4. Taylor has known since before we were dating that I don't like his other ex. It has nothing to do with him, since I knew her before I knew him. When we were dating, he would say things like how annoying she was in the relationship and how his friends didn't really like her and even had a full on bashing of her with a friend of mine who also knows her and thought I would want to join in. Friday night she came up and he swooped in defending her, calling her a great girl (among other things which will come up in #5). He said that she had taken him in over the summer when he didn't have a place to live with the connotation that had anyone in the room been living in Rock Hill at that point in time, we would have turned him away. And just the fact that he went through all of this with me standing there (knowing I know full well what he's said about her) makes me wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. It makes me wonder what horrible things he'll say about me to his next girlfriend, while we were supposed to be friends this whole time.

5. While defending his ex he said, "I wish I had never broken up with her." Which sounds a lot like: "I wish I had never broken up with her, therefore never had to have any relationship I've had since her." I'm the only relationship he's had since her. He also, when we were dating, said something to the fact that she was trying to get him back (even though she had a boyfriend at the time) and that she didn't like the fact that we were dating. After hearing him say that on Friday, I can't help but wonder if that was true or if that was him projecting what he was feeling out on her, hoping she felt it too.

6. Clearly, his other ex was, is, and always will be more important to him than I am. So I'm going to step out of his life and let him deal with that. It'll be much easier for him without me in his life muddling those feelings up.