zombies.

it's been a very zombie-filled past 12 hours. it's probably not going to get much better since after this next class i'm trekking over to walmart to buy zombieland on dvd. great movie with a good memory attached.

perspective.

although two days ago, i wanted nothing to do with you ever again, i have now realized that i'm no good at burning bridges. i much prefer having them all in tact. so while i can't undo the things i've done this past week, i hope you can forgive me and move on with me. i've been hurt and so have you. but i think that i would continue to hurt more if i cut you out of my life completely. i've realized that your friendship is better than nothing.



so fail. be bad at things. be embarrassed. be afraid. be vulnerable. go out on a limb or two or twelve, and you will fall and it'll hurt. but the harder you fall, the farther you will rise. the louder you fail, the clearer your future becomes. failure is a gift, welcome it. there are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by, why they didn't take the road less traveled. those people aren't you. you have front row seats to your own transformation, and in transforming yourself, you might even transform the world. and it will be electric, and i promise you it will be terrifying. embrace that; embrace the new person you're becoming. this is your moment. i promise you, it is now, now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but totally now. own that; know that deep in your bones and go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that. and then...keep going.

never.

never again
no more kisses, no more touches.
no longer will you hold me in your arms.
i've been left out in the cold,
without my morning jacket.
the last time i wore your shirt,
despite the many washes it endured,
i could still faintly smell you.
never again will that scent fill my nose,
though i loved it so.
never again will i fall asleep to
the rhythm of your breathing,
though i loved that too.
never again will i listen to you
speak so passionately about what you love,
and i loved that too.
never again will i see you rip open a shirt,
displaying your tattoo so proudly.
that, i loved too.
never again will i run my fingers through your hair,
or steal your glasses and put them on,
see you roll your eyes at being called "tay tay,"
your beautiful blue eyes.
all i have now are these memories
and i have to say,
i don't love them nearly as much.

twenty-sixth.

1/26/2010

habit
a newly labeled section,
and each week, a new poem.
small, simple words that seem to
somehow retell the previous days.
"how are you doing...lately?"
oh, you mean since he dumped me?
shit.
it's gotten too personal.
got to keep writing vaguely, because
no one should know who this is about.
after all,
i'm praying for the day when
i can either call you boyfriend
or whats-his-name.

relapse
the old style of writing has resurfaced.
not since the days of unrequited "love"
have i been so vague.
who am i hiding my true thoughts from?
those who will never read this...
or myself?
for maybe if i don't write down the tale of heartbreak,
or speak the language of hurt and betrayal,
if i only allow the pain to exist in the back of my mind,
repressed,
the moon will outshine the night.

full.

1/19/2010

full
row three, seat seven
isolated in a full auditorium.
preferring not to sit front row center,
but back and slightly to the right,
out of sight.
a happy couple to my right,
the nearest exit to my left.
an annoying laugh to the front,
and gossiping joggers behind.
no one bothers me.
no one cares.
isolated. and alone,
in a full auditorium.

1/26/2010
when i saw you, i didn't feel this way anymore. but now, you've taken that away from me.

home.

and to think, the last time i laid down in this bed, i was looking forward to returning to school the next day to see you. now, it's as though you never were in my life.

thoughtless.

i don't want to think about it.
i can't think about it.
the pain is great,
but i think i can handle it.
maybe friendship is better.
maybe you're right.
god i hate admitting that.