jumper.

everyone thinks about leaping off a building.
-karen eiffel, "stranger than fiction"


this "please don't jump" movement thing has really gotten me thinking. if you don't know, a postcard was sent to the postsecret guy (frank) from someone in san fancisco saying they were going to jump off the golden gate bridge this summer. shortly after the postcard appeared on the website, a facebook group was formed and according to this week's postsecret blogspot (scroll all the way down), frank hasn't heard anything since last week from the anonymous sender of the postcard.

when i first saw the postcard, it struck a chord in me. one i don't like to think or talk about, but for some reason feel the need to blog about. it's kind of pathetic.

at a really, really bad point in my life, i contemplated suicide as well. like this person, i felt i didn't belong anywhere. i felt unloved, unwanted, and just wanted to stop burdening people with my strangeness and moodiness.

and i knew if i was going to do it, i was going to jump. like jenny from forrest gump, i was going to fly far, far away from here. i didn't confess this to anyone, like this anonymous sender did. i didn't want anyone to know what i was planning, lest they watch me like a hawk and make it impossible.

the point is, anytime i would say something very depressing or allude to the fact that i was thinking about ending it, someone would come along and say, "you're so special. you've got your whole life ahead of you. you're a wonderful girl." and not once did it make me feel better. and that was coming from people i knew. some of them i even loved.

so i can't help but wonder if this person even cares about all these people that he/she doesn't know joining a facebook group when, had he or she never sent the postcard in in the first place, these people wouldn't have cared less or known to care if he/she had jumped. i mean, don't get me wrong. maybe it is helping. and i hope to god it does help and this person doesn't take their own life.

but what if it doesn't work?