caving.

have you ever been swindled by a swindler who lies
'cause he wants to see you smile, have a good time, be inspired?
and he doesn’t want for you to cry or know he cries inside
so he hides behind his great triumphant rock and roll disguise.

if you could only understand how perfect this question and statement are. except they weren't lies. things just changed.

we want things to be real but you really can’t deny
we feel excited and on fire.

i think i've been confusing this. i thought "real" was the feeling of "excited and on fire." maybe, kimya, we'll agree to disagree on this one.

is it wrong to lie and say he’s fine
when the reason he’s not fine is the pressure of the power changing lives?
and just for an hour all these people will be better people.

i wish i could be a better person. i wish i weren't a selfish, vain, spoiled, envious person. i feel like saying "but, like any habits, these are hard to break." that's not an excuse. i'll work on it. but i'm not making any promises. i'm lazy too.

take this job and shove it, adios i’m a ghost.
i am leaving for the coast and i’ll never work for anyone again.

the beach really is a magical place. i wish i were there now.

i am not your savior or your heavenly host.
i’m just a piece of zwieback toast,
getting soggy in a baby’s aching mouth.

i like to help you. but stop coming to me for EVERYTHING. i've got my own issues to deal with. learn to work through some of yours.

i’m going south like the geese.
i just goosed you and so maybe i seem loose to you,
but i don’t even want to screw.
and i did once, but not now.

i don't want to screw with anyone but you. i don't want to be loose with anyone but you. i need to get over that.

now that i see how you do things.
the way you play and sing’s amazing,
but the way you play the game is crazy.
you don’t have to say you’re sorry, you don’t owe me anything
don’t owe me anything.

i owe you so much.

sometimes it seems like i’ve got all the answers
but the answers aren’t the same when the questions keep on changing.

i'm tired of being the go to person for relationship advice. is the requirement for this position 19 years of being alone and then a 3 month relationship? cause those seems like some real sucky prerequisites.

like how will i react when i see my mother crying
every single day cause she’s afraid of dying?
and how will i contain my anger
when delilah plays unchained melody instead of lost in your eyes?
and where will i go where i can feel safe
when my family sells it’s place and we all split up and move away?

i'm terrified of this happening. as suffocating as this house can be, i would hate for my family to not be together.

i'm trying to be brave 'cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

i was told i was brave once. i still don't believe him.

i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

i'm trying to be brave. really, i am.

i’m trying to be brave ‘cause when i’m brave
other people feel brave
but i feel like my heart is caving in.

but the first step is the hardest to take. especially when the first step isn't taken whole-heartedly.

-kimya dawson, "caving in"