the end.

Since this page seems to be ruffling a lot of feathers lately, I'm going to set the record straight once and for all what I really mean when I type out a lot of this stuff.

December 2008: The Blog was Formed.

It wasn't meant to be extremely personal in those days. Sure, they were my thoughts I wouldn't normally voice in every day conversation, but not anything that I would want to keep from others. Look back, you'll realize a difference then and now.

That's why I had the link up on my Facebook page. Because despite what anyone may say, everyone wants to be heard and think that their opinion matters. That's just human nature. Sue me for being human.

Sometime in Fall 2009: The Blog Deepens

When I realized that my blog was becoming more of an online diary, I took the link off of Facebook. I didn't publicly follow people I knew anymore. I took slightly more precautions to limiting what I was saying, but ultimately I was saying what I wanted, what I felt, and put very little censoring on it. This is because I didn't think many people read my blog in the first place. I had like 5 followers who were rarely ever on their own blogs, why would they take the time to read mine? And I assumed those who just clicked on the link from my Facebook had forgotten all about it.

Again, despite what people say, everyone wants to be heard. But I was left to assume that unless I was out there shoving it down people's throats, they wouldn't care enough to search out my blog or save it in their browser or anything like that. I figured it would fade from everyone's minds but my own.

Early 2010: The Blog Gets Controversial

At this point I figured that everyone (with the exception of a select few people who had asked me about something I had written) had long since forgotten about this thing. This blog is my diary at this point in time. I kept this up as a diary mainly because I'm not really a "write it out" kind of person. If I left myself to just pen and paper, I wouldn't write out everything I was feeling because I would get tired at some point. Call me a product of the 21st century, but my hands are more cut out for long distance typing than writing.

Ever since I can remember, writing in diaries has never been entirely accurate for me. I don't write what I'm really feeling, I just write when I'm extremely emotional, to get out all the irrational thoughts and feelings so that I don't have to think about them for a while. When I come back and re-read what I wrote, I can more sanely piece together what I wanted to say/feel/think. It's a way for me to focus on more important things because the thing that I am irrationally emotional about at the moment isn't a top priority.

Summer/Fall of 2010: The Formspring Attacks

And then it happened. A giant wake up call that people had not long since forgotten about my blog. All of a sudden, questions came flooding in about why I was putting so much of my life on the internet and why I was so crazy and emotional over one person in particular (my ex).

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told him when he confronted me about this whole ordeal. I've had really strong feelings for three guys in my life. One took up most of my high school days, one for a good majority of my freshman year of college (and the summer after), and one my sophomore year of college. Because my feelings for these guys were stronger than a typical crush, they've never fully gone away, just been transferred to the next guy I developed strong feelings for. In other words, I was never able to get almost all the way over the high school guy until I met the freshman guy and I was never able to get almost all the way over him until the sophomore guy. (I say almost all the way over because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have some remnants of my initially strong feelings for them, but not in a way that's going to interfere with any new relationships I may form.)

Because I haven't met a guy that I feel I could develop strong feelings for, everything emotional/relationship/feelings related that could be about a boy comes out sounding like I'm talking about the last guy that I had feelings for (in this case, the sophomore guy). In actuality, I'm just talking about having a guy in general. Most of the more recent blogs have been written under extreme emotional conditions where I've felt so alone that I'd do almost anything to have anyone, and naturally those feelings reverted back to the last guy who reciprocated my feelings. And remember, everything's going to come out extremely emotional and pining sounding because I'm trying to focus on something else. Later on, I'll come back and read them and realize how stupid it is for me to feel that and I'll be able to get my head back on straight.

It's all a coping mechanism that people don't really understand because I've never taken the time to explain it to anyone.

I really hope that this cleared things up for everyone. When starting this, I had no idea the grief it would cause others and ultimately cause me.

I've started a PRIVATE blog (one that you need a password to access), so I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone (solving my typing vs. writing problem AND the privacy problem). In other words, this is the last post that I'm going to put on this blog. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any problems I may have caused.

Peace,
Kathryne