loose.

2 weeks, 3 days until my birthday. (I get the feeling every September blog I write will have a countdown until my birthday. Oh well. I'm okay with this.)

I just got done reading the book Loose Girl by Kerry Cohen. The tag line on the back of the book is: "For everyone who was that girl. For everyone who knew that girl. For everyone who wondered who that girl was." Now, I'll be entirely honest, that and the title were the only parts of the cover I read before purchasing it. I didn't realize until I got back home and started reading it that it was going to be a memoir. I wasn't really too excited about that since memoirs aren't exactly my first choice of a "reading for fun" book, but since I had already paid the $13 for the book, I decided to keep with it.

And, thank God I did.

The description on the back of the book goes like this:
Loose Girl is Kerry Cohen's captivating memoir about her descent into promiscuity and how she gradually found her way toward real intimacy. The story of addiction - not just to sex, but to male attention - Loose Girl is also the story of a young girl who came to believe that boys and men could give her life meaning. Never less than riveting, Loose Girl re-creates what it feels like to be in that desperate moment when a girl tries to control a boy by handing over her body, when the touch of that boy seems to offer proof of something but ultimately delivers little more than emptiness. The unforgettable story of one young woman who desperately wanted to matter, Loose Girl will speak to countless others with its compassion, understanding, and love.

I don't want to say that I'm promiscuous, and I certainly haven't had 40+ guys as the author remembers having. I did, however, relate very strongly with the "loose girl" mindset. It's not even about sex, really. It's about attention. More specifically, male attention. Even more specifically, male attention in an intimate way.

I didn't grow up having sex with the majority of the boys I met, like the author did. I grew up having friendships with those boys. When I hung out with them and their girlfriends, I'd see the intimacy, the closeness they had. I crave that. Strongly. I've had that. Once. Boy, do I want it again.

But, true to what the back of the book says, this book isn't just a list of her conquests. It's a book about growth. Now that I've finished it and seen her story come to a close with little struggle and marriage, it makes me realize just how long this journey of mine is going to be.

It's true, well known, and overstated that before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. The problem is, I don't know how to do that just yet. I like myself. I like who I'm becoming. I'm much more comfortable with who I am than I used to be. My self-esteem continues to climb. But just when I think I'm at a point where I can truly love myself, something comes along and knocks me back. I get lost or bothered easily, especially when it comes to my views on who I am. This is the biggest piece of evidence I have that I don't love myself just yet. This is extremely troubling for me because if I can't learn to love myself, who can learn to love me? And, moreover, who can I learn to love back?