consciousness, pt. 11

i've been craving the strangest things today. an hour ago it was a banana. now i really really really want some fried pickles with dill sauce and french fries with honey mustard. stupid hormones. they're making me emotional too. and i'm not a fan of it. at all.

i feel like i'm constantly annoying people. maybe that's why i've been missing ally so much more than usual lately. she's like the one person i know i've never felt like i've been a nuisance to. unless i was intentionally being one by picking on her, which is fun until she starts throwing things at you.

i'm not even really looking forward to saturday anymore. mainly because of the whole "feeling as though i'm annoying people" thing.

also in my alone time this summer, i've noticed a pattern in the people i don't like: they're all prettier than me. and that's not the reason i dislike them but it does, naturally, make me like them even less. and i hate that. i hate not liking people. because then i assume that i only dislike them because i think they're better than i am and i already have enough inferiority issues as it is.

ugh.

this summer is turning out to be a really craptastic one.

productivity.

well. i have no idea what to write about.

but it's 1:31AM and i can't sleep (again) so i feel like i should do something that at least SEEMS productive.

sigh

why do i do this to myself? i start looking forward to something and then i start playing out scenarios in my head of how that thing could go. unfortunately, the scenarios in my head are typically directed by some big budget hollywood hot shot so they end up completely unrealistic. then whenever the thing does occur and it's just a simple, everyday life situation, i get disappointed.

and disappointment is the last thing i need right now.

cause, seriously. that combined with sadness and insomnia very well may kill me.

jumper.

everyone thinks about leaping off a building.
-karen eiffel, "stranger than fiction"


this "please don't jump" movement thing has really gotten me thinking. if you don't know, a postcard was sent to the postsecret guy (frank) from someone in san fancisco saying they were going to jump off the golden gate bridge this summer. shortly after the postcard appeared on the website, a facebook group was formed and according to this week's postsecret blogspot (scroll all the way down), frank hasn't heard anything since last week from the anonymous sender of the postcard.

when i first saw the postcard, it struck a chord in me. one i don't like to think or talk about, but for some reason feel the need to blog about. it's kind of pathetic.

at a really, really bad point in my life, i contemplated suicide as well. like this person, i felt i didn't belong anywhere. i felt unloved, unwanted, and just wanted to stop burdening people with my strangeness and moodiness.

and i knew if i was going to do it, i was going to jump. like jenny from forrest gump, i was going to fly far, far away from here. i didn't confess this to anyone, like this anonymous sender did. i didn't want anyone to know what i was planning, lest they watch me like a hawk and make it impossible.

the point is, anytime i would say something very depressing or allude to the fact that i was thinking about ending it, someone would come along and say, "you're so special. you've got your whole life ahead of you. you're a wonderful girl." and not once did it make me feel better. and that was coming from people i knew. some of them i even loved.

so i can't help but wonder if this person even cares about all these people that he/she doesn't know joining a facebook group when, had he or she never sent the postcard in in the first place, these people wouldn't have cared less or known to care if he/she had jumped. i mean, don't get me wrong. maybe it is helping. and i hope to god it does help and this person doesn't take their own life.

but what if it doesn't work?

tattoos, pt. 2

pending on how loyal of a follower you are, you may remember wayyy back in april when i made a list of tattoos i want to get. to refresh your memory, here's a link to it.

now, at that point in time i was very conflicted about which one i wanted to get first because i've heard one of two things from people who have tattoos:

1) they're addictive. i can't wait to get my next one.
2) one's enough for me. i couldn't go through the pain of having another one done.

this means that there is about a 50/50 chance of me only having one tattoo and i wanted to pick the one on the list that would mean the most to me and i would be happiest with for the longest.

fact: i suck at making decisions. especially long-term ones. but, i've finally come to one.

first of all, the spider one probably won't happen at all. i say this because i looked up "spider tattoos" on google images and they were either really gross and disturbing or they looked like a clipart picture stuck to someone's body. the only design i really liked was the venom spider and that design is currently tattooed to the abdomen of my ex. so, i'm still really on the fence about that one and i'm not getting something tattooed on me forever if i'm not over 9000% sure about it.

second of all, the first tattoo i'm getting is the first one i ever wanted. the beatles strawberry one. that was the one i first imagined myself saying i wanted and following through with getting it. and i'm planning on getting it for my birthday as a gift to myself (and if someone wants to chip in, i'm more than okay with that). so i'll have to wait until september, but i was planning on waiting until i got out of my parents' house anyway. and even though i got the design from evan rachel wood, that's the most personal one to me. it's the one i've had the longest connection with and the one i've put the most thought in to. simply put, it's the one i love the most.

third of all, i finally decided where i'm going to get it put. well, no. that's not true. but i've narrowed it down to two places i would like for it to be. one of the places is on my ankle, on the inside of my leg close to where evan rachel wood has her's. the other is on the left side of my chest (underneath the boob), on my ribs.

6/17/10 EDIT: wow that really just cut off there. i've been thinking a lot about this lately and as of right now, i'm about 95% sure i'm going to get it on the spot on my ribs. that seems the most concealable and i was messing around the other day and drew an outline there. it really fit for me. i'm so ready to get this that it's not even funny.

conflicted.

i don't know why blogger won't let you go directly from a blog to your dashboard. it seems so silly. i have to pretend i want to make a new post and then click the dashboard button. that makes me feel bad for all the unwritten blogs i've opened up.

but i'm straying from the topic at hand.

which is...man. i don't even know what it is.

i'm so conflicted right now. just a month ago, i wouldn't be able to go this long without talking to him. (3 days. and yes, i just realized how pathetic that is. sue me.) now it doesn't bother me all much. like, at all. well, maybe a little, but that's only when taking into consideration how our last conversation ended.

still, at the same time, i really don't like the idea of him acknowledging her.

*sigh*

maybe i really am just that selfish.

admittance.

the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

i want to be in a relationship again. i hate being single. i'm happier when i'm with somebody. and i hate admitting that. god i hate it. i wish i could express the exasperation i'm feeling right now admitting this. i've paced, i've slumped over, i've held my head in my hands, all trying to figure out what to say next. trying to figure out what i want to say, what i'm ready to admit.

i mean, yeah, sure. i can be happy by myself. i've had plenty of fun and good times being single. my point is that i was happier when i was in a relationship. everything just seemed better.

and, yes, i do have a specific person in mind. but he's going to go unnamed. it's not like anything's going to happen there anyway.

ipod.

i stopped listening to my ipod for a while. i'm not really sure why, but i switched over to listening to cds that i've made over the past couple years. i switched back today and realized that i was limiting myself very much with my cds. i have so much music i have yet to listen to on my ipod from people sharing bands with me, saying, "oh my god you'll love them!" so, new project for the summer: go through the albums on my ipod and listen to every one straight through.

but i'm starting that tomorrow. today, i just had all 8000+ songs on shuffle and one came on that i haven't heard in a while, although it used to be my favorite song: "here's looking at you kid" by the gaslight anthem.

and i was listening to this song with new ears. no longer did i just hear a guy listing his past relationships and how they ended. i was hearing the message he was sending out, what he learned from beginning all of these relationships. every time we enter into a new relationship, we're hoping that this will be the one we'll end up with forever. we know that the odds are completely stacked against us, but there's that chance that this is the person for us and we're willing to take it. it's a great risk, not one any smart gambler would take, but for some reason we all take it.

and then when those relationships do end, it's not because we wanted them to. it's because they had to. something greater than ourselves was telling us it was time to move on because this person isn't the right one, no matter how it may feel right now. and although we don't want to admit it, it's for the best. to quote the movie the song has quoted, "we'll always have paris."

when i was listening to this song, for each situation i had a particular boy in mind. so i switched up the lyrics a little bit. don't worry, everyone's been given a code name (though i think that if they were to stumble upon here they'd be able to pick themselves out immediately). but that's beside the point.

you can tell gayle, if she calls,
that i'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
and even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
when we were kids on the field of the first day of school,
i would've been her fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old high school halls.
you tell that to gayle, if she calls.

you can tell ray, if he calls,
that i'm famous now for all those scribbles of poems.
and even if that's a lie, he should've given me a try.
when we were kids on that night of the first day of school,
i would've been his fool.
and i would've sang out your name in those old collegiate halls.
you tell that to ray, if he calls.

and you can tell janey, if she writes,
that i'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy hollywood nights.
and that's a total deceit, but she should've married me.
and tell her i spent every night of my youth on the floor,
bleeding out from all these wounds.
i would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
you tell that to janey, if she writes.

and you can tell robby, if he writes,
that i'm high off all these stars and all these crazy rock hill nights.
and that's total deceit, but he should've been with me.
and tell him i spent every night with him on the bed,
pining for him to love me once again.
i would've gotten him a ride out of that town he despised.
you tell that to robby, if he writes.

but boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
that will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
and all you can do is just wait by the moon
and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

you remind anna, if she asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
i heard she lives in brooklyn with the cool,
goes crazy over that new york scene on 7th avenue.
but i used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
praying she won't cancel again tonight.
and the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
you remind anna, if she asks why.

you remind merritt, if he asks why,
that a thief stole my heart while he was making up his mind.
i heard he lives in newberry with the folks,
feels at peace again in that small hometown he knows.
but i used to wait outside, a million nights without him,
praying he'd drive by again tonight.
and the moon looked down upon me with a consolation sigh.
you remind merrit, if he asks why.

tell her it's all right.
you know it's hard to tell you this.
oh it's hard to tell you this.

here's looking at you, kid.