excitement.

so in the few hours i had before i had to show up for work today, i took a drive around town. it didn't take long at all, but i ended up going past the place where i went to daycare and the park my sister and i used to go to all the time. naturally, feelings of nostalgia overwhelmed me. all i could remember was darting around that playground, the second we got there, from jungle gym to see saw to swings. i acted as though in the next second, the thing i wanted to play on was going to disappear before i could get to it. and the excitement that came over me as i moved from place to place was hard to ignore and still one of the things i remember the most.

i envy the younger me that excitment. she was excited for the park. for the things at the park. to come home from school. to go to school. to read a new book. for those field trips. for computer day. for art day. for middle school to start.

somewhere in all the bustle of growing up, though, i lost that excitment. i mean, right now, salkehatchie is literally less than 12 hours away, something i look forward to every year, and the only excitement i can come up with is when i'm around other people, feeding off of their excitement.

i tried to come up with reasons as to why i rarely ever feel this emotion anymore. i can't help but think it's because i'm so used to disappointment, that it's become easier to just not care anymore. and now, i think that's the saddest thing going on in my life right now. i'm too used to disappointment to feel excitement about anything. i've grown so accustomed to having the thing that i want snatched away from me by someone else; and now, i'm pretty positive i've stopped trying altogether. before today, i thought it was okay to be as laid back as i am. only now have i begun to realize that being "laid back" is just another term for "not caring." and i can't help but wonder: if i don't care about my life, who will?