approval.

note to self: don't die.
haha oh, ryan adams. you crack me up.

i've been pretty textually active lately. a recent conversation:
friend: this girl that ross is hitting on is so hot...sorry, i just had to tell someone. lol.
me: lol. i can see where i'd be the first one you'd want to tell that.
friend: well, i was already in a conversation with you.
me: it's ok. i get told quite frequently that other girls are hot.
friend: do you ever get told YOU are hot and or beautiful?

anyone who knows me knows that i have struggled endlessly with how i look. "i'm too pale. i'm too fat/chunky. my hair is weird. i wish i didn't have so many freckles" all are sentences i've muttered at some point or another in my lifetime, along with many others. when my friend asked me this question, i thought back. and at first, i only thought of the old ladies or my parents' friends who would always tell me something to the effect of "what a beautiful young lady you are/are becoming." then i thought a little harder. and i realized i get told i'm beautiful/hot almost as frequently as i get told others are. and i came to this conclusion: i can't take a compliment. anytime anyone says something complimentary to me, i blush a little and quickly change the subject. i don't deny them, but i don't thank them either. i simply brush it off as if it was never said.

which led me to realize something else: all these years, i haven't been seeking others' approval of my looks. if i had, the first old lady to tell me i look beautiful or teenage boy to tell me i look hot would've secured my self-confidence and my feelings about the way i look. instead, i've been trying to secure my own approval. i've been trying to convince myself that i am not an ugly person. i'm my own worst critic, and i've just now begun to realize this.

as conceited and shallow as this blog sounded, i think it was what i needed. because, how can i begin to love myself as much as i know i deserve, if i can't even accept the fact that i'm beautiful the way i am?