suicidal.

i think my mother knows i've contemplated suicide.

i suppose i have two reasons for explanation here, so i'll hurry before the lortab wears off and i've come to my senses and remember there are some things i'm not supposed to share.

explanation one: we were riding in the car earlier today and somehow the subject came up. she was being careful about her sentences, but i could tell she wanted to add "and kathryne if you had..." to a few of those. she didn't because we've never talked about something that serious in my family. that's just something we don't do.

you see, my family's all about what looks good on the surface. i've never been allowed to have a breakdown in public, no matter what the situation, because when i start to everyone in that restaurant, store, house, etc, everyone "starts looking at us." it doesn't matter if we're in colorado and will never see those people again. so, yeah, i've been disciplined for getting loudly upset in public because it looks bad. but, hey, if we look nice and normal for all the strangers around us, what does it matter if one of us is dying on the inside?

she's also monitoring my lortab intake very carefully. no more than one, and no less than four hours in between. as if I'd attempt the overdose thing...it can so easily be interpreted as an accident.

explanation two: why have i contemplated suicide? have you ever felt unwanted? not needed? unloved? i bet the feeling usually passes, doesn't it? i have felt this way since the beginning of my sixth grade year, so we're going on about eight years now. eight years of feeling totally isolated in the world. i figured i've held on this long because of hope. my hope that this feeling will pass started out as a rope that i was climbing, trying to reach the top. it began as a rather thick rope, one made of steel and it had knots in it every two feet or so. it was very easy to climb. now, the rope has dwindled into more or less a piece of yarn, no knots, and cut off underneath the hand that is highest up. now, i'm hanging from this string of hope and praying that it doesn't break before i reach the top.