tears.

i haven't cried since i was fifteen years old. not even today, after having wisdom teeth pulled and the medicine wear off before i could take some more. i should've known that i wouldn't cry today, anyway. i've already found out the hard way that physical pain doesn't make me cry any more than emotional pain. the reason the last time i cried was my grandfather dying. he was my mother's dad. that side of our family is so small, and very tight-knit. all my life, whenever we got together, it's always been the ten of us: my grandparents, my uncle's family (of four) and our family (of four). so to drop from ten to nine so suddenly was one of the saddest things in my life.

holidays are especially hard. there's always an empty spot at the table. we've tried to fill it with guests over the years, but it's not the same. pop pop's big green chair, it's not empty, but someone else is sitting in it. it's hard not to expect him to walk in and make them sit somewhere else. at christmastime, he's no longer the one to go get the wheelbarrow to throw all the trash that accumulated on the floor during present time to take it out to the trash can outside. no longer do we hear "wham, bam, thank ya ma'am" whenever one of his four granddaughters does something for him.

two days ago, we got together with our extended family and my mom's cousin's granddaughter calls her granddad "pop pop," just like we called ours. while we were eating, her grandmother said something like "pop pop's always here for you." my sister and cousins and i just sort of got quiet. i know we all wanted to tell her to cherish the time she has with her pop pop, for one day he won't be around any more, just like ours isn't.