I'm not really sure why, but when couples excessively call each other "baby" it annoys the ever living crap out of me. Probably because I've grown up calling small animals and babies "baby." I don't know. It weirds me out. I don't think I'd ever want to regularly refer to my boyfriend as an infant and I can't really see why a lot of people do. Also, when I read it (via facebook or some other site) I just hear that person talking in a baby voice. Not really a sexy one, that voice. Saying it every now and then, it doesn't really bother me. But when "baby" has become your significant other's new name (as is the case with my roommate, it seems), it's just gotten to be too much.
I'm having a really hard time figuring out what it is I want for Christmas this year. Well, I know what I really want/need. What I need is for whatever price people are paying on a present, just give me that in money. I'm really starting to worry about having to pay the rest of the payments for my Invisalign. I wasn't counting on having to pay so much for groceries and gas this semester (or over-drafting...twice, I believe) and I think I may have accidentally dipped too much into the part of my savings that's reserved for those. It's gonna be fun explaining that to my dad. Ugh.
Speaking of my dad, he just randomly turned to me the other day and said, "So, Kathryne. You still think you'll never have children?" When my mom and I immediately came back with how that's not regular chit chat he goes, "Well I don't know how to talk to her!" So you immediately go to my child-rearing years? I'm 20 for Christ's sake. No, I still don't want to have kids but I'm not going to explain to him my reasoning for that.
Wow. That took a turn for the deep end. I'm gonna go now before I cut too much into my shower time.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
i am cannibal.
read between the lines.
i'm starting to feel like the bad, less light and poppy side of this song (and no, i don't mean i want to literally eat boys).
but i feel like every guy i try to get close to, i'm damaging in some way. it's because i put myself into bad or awkward situations and i feel like i really only hurt the other person in that situation. and it's not fair to anyone.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
relationship impaired.
i feel like everyone else has this whole "personal relationships" thing down but me. am i missing something here? was there a pamphlet passed out in elementary school one day when i was sick? was there a psa i happened to miss that explained how to handle relationships in socially acceptable ways?
with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.
with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.
with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).
i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?
with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.
with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.
with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).
i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
deja vu.
why does this keep happening to me?
step one: become friends with a boy.
step two: hang out with said boy one-on-one.
step three: boy expresses interest in being more than friends.
step four: boy specifically states that he likes me and would like to do something about it (i.e. pursue a relationship)
step five: reciprocate feelings and become attached, waiting for something to happen
step six: upon confronting boy about when something will happen, learn that he has lost interest in making things happen/something has come up and it can't happen
step seven: come off looking clingy and desperate trying to figure out why the boy even decided to express feelings in the first place
again, i ask: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
step one: become friends with a boy.
step two: hang out with said boy one-on-one.
step three: boy expresses interest in being more than friends.
step four: boy specifically states that he likes me and would like to do something about it (i.e. pursue a relationship)
step five: reciprocate feelings and become attached, waiting for something to happen
step six: upon confronting boy about when something will happen, learn that he has lost interest in making things happen/something has come up and it can't happen
step seven: come off looking clingy and desperate trying to figure out why the boy even decided to express feelings in the first place
again, i ask: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
Monday, November 1, 2010
the new beginning.
okay, I can't do it. I love this blog too much.
in my poetry class today, we were discussing how someone's poem could be interpreted and our professor said she interpreted part of it as having lost someone (as in, they had died). she went on to say that she probably interpreted it that way because she was much older than us and had experienced more loss and that she really wished we hadn't experienced the same amount of loss as she has because we're too young to have experienced such a thing.
at this point, I had a mini revelation about myself, about my abandonment issues. i HAVE experienced a lot of loss. too much for someone my age, in my opinion. i've lost a teacher, friends, a teammate, family members, pets. more often than not, these people were gone wayyy before their time should have come.
maybe i have a problem with people choosing to walk out of my life because I've lost so many who didn't have a choice. maybe the reason i come off clingy is because i'm trying to keep as many people i care about around, scared to lose more people i love.
in my poetry class today, we were discussing how someone's poem could be interpreted and our professor said she interpreted part of it as having lost someone (as in, they had died). she went on to say that she probably interpreted it that way because she was much older than us and had experienced more loss and that she really wished we hadn't experienced the same amount of loss as she has because we're too young to have experienced such a thing.
at this point, I had a mini revelation about myself, about my abandonment issues. i HAVE experienced a lot of loss. too much for someone my age, in my opinion. i've lost a teacher, friends, a teammate, family members, pets. more often than not, these people were gone wayyy before their time should have come.
maybe i have a problem with people choosing to walk out of my life because I've lost so many who didn't have a choice. maybe the reason i come off clingy is because i'm trying to keep as many people i care about around, scared to lose more people i love.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
the end.
Since this page seems to be ruffling a lot of feathers lately, I'm going to set the record straight once and for all what I really mean when I type out a lot of this stuff.
December 2008: The Blog was Formed.
It wasn't meant to be extremely personal in those days. Sure, they were my thoughts I wouldn't normally voice in every day conversation, but not anything that I would want to keep from others. Look back, you'll realize a difference then and now.
That's why I had the link up on my Facebook page. Because despite what anyone may say, everyone wants to be heard and think that their opinion matters. That's just human nature. Sue me for being human.
Sometime in Fall 2009: The Blog Deepens
When I realized that my blog was becoming more of an online diary, I took the link off of Facebook. I didn't publicly follow people I knew anymore. I took slightly more precautions to limiting what I was saying, but ultimately I was saying what I wanted, what I felt, and put very little censoring on it. This is because I didn't think many people read my blog in the first place. I had like 5 followers who were rarely ever on their own blogs, why would they take the time to read mine? And I assumed those who just clicked on the link from my Facebook had forgotten all about it.
Again, despite what people say, everyone wants to be heard. But I was left to assume that unless I was out there shoving it down people's throats, they wouldn't care enough to search out my blog or save it in their browser or anything like that. I figured it would fade from everyone's minds but my own.
Early 2010: The Blog Gets Controversial
At this point I figured that everyone (with the exception of a select few people who had asked me about something I had written) had long since forgotten about this thing. This blog is my diary at this point in time. I kept this up as a diary mainly because I'm not really a "write it out" kind of person. If I left myself to just pen and paper, I wouldn't write out everything I was feeling because I would get tired at some point. Call me a product of the 21st century, but my hands are more cut out for long distance typing than writing.
Ever since I can remember, writing in diaries has never been entirely accurate for me. I don't write what I'm really feeling, I just write when I'm extremely emotional, to get out all the irrational thoughts and feelings so that I don't have to think about them for a while. When I come back and re-read what I wrote, I can more sanely piece together what I wanted to say/feel/think. It's a way for me to focus on more important things because the thing that I am irrationally emotional about at the moment isn't a top priority.
Summer/Fall of 2010: The Formspring Attacks
And then it happened. A giant wake up call that people had not long since forgotten about my blog. All of a sudden, questions came flooding in about why I was putting so much of my life on the internet and why I was so crazy and emotional over one person in particular (my ex).
Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told him when he confronted me about this whole ordeal. I've had really strong feelings for three guys in my life. One took up most of my high school days, one for a good majority of my freshman year of college (and the summer after), and one my sophomore year of college. Because my feelings for these guys were stronger than a typical crush, they've never fully gone away, just been transferred to the next guy I developed strong feelings for. In other words, I was never able to get almost all the way over the high school guy until I met the freshman guy and I was never able to get almost all the way over him until the sophomore guy. (I say almost all the way over because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have some remnants of my initially strong feelings for them, but not in a way that's going to interfere with any new relationships I may form.)
Because I haven't met a guy that I feel I could develop strong feelings for, everything emotional/relationship/feelings related that could be about a boy comes out sounding like I'm talking about the last guy that I had feelings for (in this case, the sophomore guy). In actuality, I'm just talking about having a guy in general. Most of the more recent blogs have been written under extreme emotional conditions where I've felt so alone that I'd do almost anything to have anyone, and naturally those feelings reverted back to the last guy who reciprocated my feelings. And remember, everything's going to come out extremely emotional and pining sounding because I'm trying to focus on something else. Later on, I'll come back and read them and realize how stupid it is for me to feel that and I'll be able to get my head back on straight.
It's all a coping mechanism that people don't really understand because I've never taken the time to explain it to anyone.
I really hope that this cleared things up for everyone. When starting this, I had no idea the grief it would cause others and ultimately cause me.
I've started a PRIVATE blog (one that you need a password to access), so I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone (solving my typing vs. writing problem AND the privacy problem). In other words, this is the last post that I'm going to put on this blog. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any problems I may have caused.
Peace,
Kathryne
December 2008: The Blog was Formed.
It wasn't meant to be extremely personal in those days. Sure, they were my thoughts I wouldn't normally voice in every day conversation, but not anything that I would want to keep from others. Look back, you'll realize a difference then and now.
That's why I had the link up on my Facebook page. Because despite what anyone may say, everyone wants to be heard and think that their opinion matters. That's just human nature. Sue me for being human.
Sometime in Fall 2009: The Blog Deepens
When I realized that my blog was becoming more of an online diary, I took the link off of Facebook. I didn't publicly follow people I knew anymore. I took slightly more precautions to limiting what I was saying, but ultimately I was saying what I wanted, what I felt, and put very little censoring on it. This is because I didn't think many people read my blog in the first place. I had like 5 followers who were rarely ever on their own blogs, why would they take the time to read mine? And I assumed those who just clicked on the link from my Facebook had forgotten all about it.
Again, despite what people say, everyone wants to be heard. But I was left to assume that unless I was out there shoving it down people's throats, they wouldn't care enough to search out my blog or save it in their browser or anything like that. I figured it would fade from everyone's minds but my own.
Early 2010: The Blog Gets Controversial
At this point I figured that everyone (with the exception of a select few people who had asked me about something I had written) had long since forgotten about this thing. This blog is my diary at this point in time. I kept this up as a diary mainly because I'm not really a "write it out" kind of person. If I left myself to just pen and paper, I wouldn't write out everything I was feeling because I would get tired at some point. Call me a product of the 21st century, but my hands are more cut out for long distance typing than writing.
Ever since I can remember, writing in diaries has never been entirely accurate for me. I don't write what I'm really feeling, I just write when I'm extremely emotional, to get out all the irrational thoughts and feelings so that I don't have to think about them for a while. When I come back and re-read what I wrote, I can more sanely piece together what I wanted to say/feel/think. It's a way for me to focus on more important things because the thing that I am irrationally emotional about at the moment isn't a top priority.
Summer/Fall of 2010: The Formspring Attacks
And then it happened. A giant wake up call that people had not long since forgotten about my blog. All of a sudden, questions came flooding in about why I was putting so much of my life on the internet and why I was so crazy and emotional over one person in particular (my ex).
Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told him when he confronted me about this whole ordeal. I've had really strong feelings for three guys in my life. One took up most of my high school days, one for a good majority of my freshman year of college (and the summer after), and one my sophomore year of college. Because my feelings for these guys were stronger than a typical crush, they've never fully gone away, just been transferred to the next guy I developed strong feelings for. In other words, I was never able to get almost all the way over the high school guy until I met the freshman guy and I was never able to get almost all the way over him until the sophomore guy. (I say almost all the way over because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have some remnants of my initially strong feelings for them, but not in a way that's going to interfere with any new relationships I may form.)
Because I haven't met a guy that I feel I could develop strong feelings for, everything emotional/relationship/feelings related that could be about a boy comes out sounding like I'm talking about the last guy that I had feelings for (in this case, the sophomore guy). In actuality, I'm just talking about having a guy in general. Most of the more recent blogs have been written under extreme emotional conditions where I've felt so alone that I'd do almost anything to have anyone, and naturally those feelings reverted back to the last guy who reciprocated my feelings. And remember, everything's going to come out extremely emotional and pining sounding because I'm trying to focus on something else. Later on, I'll come back and read them and realize how stupid it is for me to feel that and I'll be able to get my head back on straight.
It's all a coping mechanism that people don't really understand because I've never taken the time to explain it to anyone.
I really hope that this cleared things up for everyone. When starting this, I had no idea the grief it would cause others and ultimately cause me.
I've started a PRIVATE blog (one that you need a password to access), so I've found a way to kill two birds with one stone (solving my typing vs. writing problem AND the privacy problem). In other words, this is the last post that I'm going to put on this blog. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for any problems I may have caused.
Peace,
Kathryne
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