relationship impaired.

i feel like everyone else has this whole "personal relationships" thing down but me. am i missing something here? was there a pamphlet passed out in elementary school one day when i was sick? was there a psa i happened to miss that explained how to handle relationships in socially acceptable ways?

with my friends, i always manage to have a phase (that repeats itself) where i get tired of that friend. to the point where i'm completely annoyed by them. i try to tell myself that it's because we're so close, we're like siblings; at some point or another, it's required of me to be fed up with them. but then another voice in my head reminds me that, unlike siblings, i've chosen these people as my friends and if they're the sort of people that i can't like all the time, why did i become friends with them in the first place? and as i'm typing this, i know i sound like an absolutely horrible person and friend but i can't help the way i'm feeling about certain situations.

with my family, especially my parents, i don't feel close to them at all. i see all my friends who have the great bonds with the members of their family, but i always feel like i'm just stuck with mine and that we have to work our hardest to even try to get along. or maybe that they have to try their hardest to get along with me. maybe i'm just the black sheep. maybe i'm the black sheep in all of my relationships.

with boys, i'm utterly clueless. it took me 19 years to find a guy who was actually willing to date me. i figured after that first boyfriend, it would be easier to open myself up to other boys and form a relationship with one of them. easier than it once was, anyway. and here i am, almost a year of being single again, and i can't for the life of me figure out how i got anyone to stick around in the first place. and i see all these other girls who, three months after their last long-term relationship, are starting their next one. and what's more is that they keep these guys that they're dating around. i've never been able to do that, except in the friend sense (and i've already told you about how my friendships work out).

i just can't help but feel like i'm not supposed to be around the same people for too long; that after a while, I just need to pack my bags and move on. in a way, this could make me an infinitely happier person. but how can i do that when it seems like every fiber of my being is trying to find someone to hold on to who will keep me grounded?