progress.

song #1: time won't let me go
artist: the bravery

this is an interesting "regret" song. it's not things the singer's regretting he did, rather what he didn't do. i know how that goes. i previously wrote about bravery and ultimately holding things in because of fear. out of all the things in my life, the things i regret are the things i didn't do. and that was because of fear. i'm not going to say that i'm going to live without regrets from now on because that's just stupid and i'm not going to say that i'm not going to dwell on those regrets because i just don't think that's possible for me to do. i am going to say, though, that after having been told i was brave by a friend of mine [and me denying this shamefully in my head], that's something i'm going to try to work on. i'm tired of not saying what i want to say or doing what i want to do.

song #2: maintenance hall, 4 a.m.
artist: stars

i actually haven't listened to this song before. so what i'm saying now is out of pure awe. the piano is beautiful. i can't understand what the robot thing in the background is saying, but i'm not really paying attention to it either. this song reminds me of the day of my granddad's funeral. it was a sunny day, but that didn't seem right at all. it felt like i was going through the motions of everything, but i wasn't really there. nothing seemed right. but people kept on going around me, the world kept spinning, marching onward as it always does.

song #3: my name is
artist: eminem

remember back in the day when eminem was cool? or maybe not cool, but taken seriously as a mucisian? yeah, i didn't like him all that much. i still don't like him all that much. regardless, he's on my ipod. mainly because i find his music amusing. but back then, when everyone else was all big on him, i pretended like i knew what they were talking about when they quoted his lyrics. why? i suppose i wanted to be accepted. i wanted to blend in and be cool. now, i embrace my dorkiness. i like what sets me apart from other people. i like and accept that i'm pretty weird. would i have liked to learn this acceptance of myself earlier in life? probably not. i wouldn't be who i am today if i had grown up any differently. and you know what? i kind of like who i am right now.

song #4: god is a dj
artist: p!nk

i love the devil-may-care attitude of this song. one of the biggest problems i've had growing up is caring way too much about what others think of me. i still do it. it's a really hard habit to break. as much as i hate to admit it, the way i feel about myself is usually greatly based on what others think of me. you see, i'm really good at reading people so i can usually tell what they think of me after a conversation or two with them. but right now i'm working on ways i can not be so hard on myself and i'm trying to enjoy being me a little more each day.

song #5: never let you down
artist: the verve pipe

i absolutely hate letting people down. it's one of the worst things i can think to do to someone. the phrase "i'm disappointed in you" is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to me. it would sting the most. but i'm beginning to realize that people make mistakes. as much as i'd like to, i can't be there for everyone and do what's best for me at the same time. for as long as i can remember, i've never put myself first. but a wise man, by the name of bob kelso said it best: "who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? just look into your heart and do whatever the hell makes you happy." since i've never thought about what makes me happy, i've gotten into a jam with the whole major and career thing. as weird as it's going to be, i'm going to have to start putting myself first and doing what's best for me. otherwise, i'm terrified i'm going to be stuck right where i am, not progressing, and never being able to better myself as a person.

surrendering.

when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on

i've had enough.
and i don't know if i can hang on.

unrequited.

why is it that i can't keep a certain person off my mind? why is it that i always want him to pop up in the most random places just so i can be near him? i know it's better for me to not think about things like that, and i'm trying really hard not to dwell on things that are going to hurt me in the long run, but what do you do when your heart and your head are telling you two different things?

the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you
-anonymous

perfection.

they say that nobody is perfect. then they tell you practice makes perfect. i wish they'd make up their minds.
-churchill

why is it that everyone seems to be striving to be something else? to be better, more, a different person entirely. is anyone actually happy with who they are right now? i know i'm not. i know there are a million ways i could be a better, happier, prettier, more successful person. but why do we feel the need to strive for perfection - something we usually see in others, but very rarely see in ourselves?

most people only love you for who you pretend to be. to keep their love, you keep pretending, and you keep performing. you get locked into an image; you get locked into an act. but real love means letting a person be who he really is. when others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. it's a subtle kind of murder, and the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder daily, with smiles on their faces.
-jim morrison

well, you know what? i'm tired of trying to be something, failing, and then being disappointed in myself. it only leads to the self-loathing thing i do which is really starting to get on my nerves.

the thing that is really hard
and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
-anna quindlen

bravery.

there is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
-john wainwright

i really wish i was brave, like you say i am.

if i were brave i would've told my parents about the drinking thing right after it happened. if i were brave i would be able to explain to my mom why i don't tell her every detail of my life, which for some reason is leading her to not be able to trust me. if i were brave i would be able to handle confrontation and i'd be able to tell the people i need to how i really feel about them. if i were brave i'd be able to declare a major without being terrified of the end result. if i were brave i wouldn't let people intimidate me.

take a walk in my shoes before you call me brave. i hold so much in because of fear. sure, you can be brave and be afraid at the same time, but those who actually are brave don't let fear keep them from doing what needs to be done or saying what needs to be said. unfortunately, i do let fear get in my way. all the time. and i really wish i didn't. but, like so many other things, acting and being brave is easier said than done.



with a skip of her heart
and a catch in her breath
she let go in fear

love.

it never fails to surprise me when people are shocked to find out i've never had a boyfriend before. then i start to question why they are so shocked. is it because having your first boyfriend is like a right of passage you are supposed to go through at a certain age and i somehow missed that deadline? is it because it's really that strange to have been single your entire life? maybe it's because i don't like bullshit; i much prefer things that are straight foward and have a point to them. i suppose that's why i never did the "date someone for a week" thing in middle school and why i never fell for the "high school sweethearts" bid.

now, with valentine's day approaching i can't help but think about love. and then i turn to something i wrote nearly two years ago in a journal: another thing i thought a lot about was love. even though i've never actually been in love, it's still something i think about from time to time. many of the people i passed tonight were holding hands or linking arms with their significant others, which only made it more glaringly obvious to me that i was walking down that beach alone.

looking back on things like this makes me wonder what falling in love is really like. who will i fall in love with? will it be forever or a first love? is a first love even really love? or are we just kidding ourselves until our one real love comes along? and that makes me think about what if i'm not even here to experience a first true love? i can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something.

so what is love really? is it all it's cracked up to be?


you may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and everytime tears roll down your cheeks
but i know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
someday you will be loved.
-death cab

selfish.

iiiiiii waaannnttt...

to keep my scholarships. (check so far)
this paper to go away. (check)
my biology test over. (check)
to not be in debt. (check)
to have spending money. (check)
a flat stomach. (partial check)
to go to 4th floor tillman.
to understand spanish. (check)
a relationship.
to be happy for more than 24 hours. (check)
a major i can be happy with. (check)
the weekend to be here. now. (check)
the weather to be warmer. (check...for now) (uncheck) (recheck)
a house at the beach.
an escape from my reality.


our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth.
-madeleine l'engle