progress.

song #1: time won't let me go
artist: the bravery

this is an interesting "regret" song. it's not things the singer's regretting he did, rather what he didn't do. i know how that goes. i previously wrote about bravery and ultimately holding things in because of fear. out of all the things in my life, the things i regret are the things i didn't do. and that was because of fear. i'm not going to say that i'm going to live without regrets from now on because that's just stupid and i'm not going to say that i'm not going to dwell on those regrets because i just don't think that's possible for me to do. i am going to say, though, that after having been told i was brave by a friend of mine [and me denying this shamefully in my head], that's something i'm going to try to work on. i'm tired of not saying what i want to say or doing what i want to do.

song #2: maintenance hall, 4 a.m.
artist: stars

i actually haven't listened to this song before. so what i'm saying now is out of pure awe. the piano is beautiful. i can't understand what the robot thing in the background is saying, but i'm not really paying attention to it either. this song reminds me of the day of my granddad's funeral. it was a sunny day, but that didn't seem right at all. it felt like i was going through the motions of everything, but i wasn't really there. nothing seemed right. but people kept on going around me, the world kept spinning, marching onward as it always does.

song #3: my name is
artist: eminem

remember back in the day when eminem was cool? or maybe not cool, but taken seriously as a mucisian? yeah, i didn't like him all that much. i still don't like him all that much. regardless, he's on my ipod. mainly because i find his music amusing. but back then, when everyone else was all big on him, i pretended like i knew what they were talking about when they quoted his lyrics. why? i suppose i wanted to be accepted. i wanted to blend in and be cool. now, i embrace my dorkiness. i like what sets me apart from other people. i like and accept that i'm pretty weird. would i have liked to learn this acceptance of myself earlier in life? probably not. i wouldn't be who i am today if i had grown up any differently. and you know what? i kind of like who i am right now.

song #4: god is a dj
artist: p!nk

i love the devil-may-care attitude of this song. one of the biggest problems i've had growing up is caring way too much about what others think of me. i still do it. it's a really hard habit to break. as much as i hate to admit it, the way i feel about myself is usually greatly based on what others think of me. you see, i'm really good at reading people so i can usually tell what they think of me after a conversation or two with them. but right now i'm working on ways i can not be so hard on myself and i'm trying to enjoy being me a little more each day.

song #5: never let you down
artist: the verve pipe

i absolutely hate letting people down. it's one of the worst things i can think to do to someone. the phrase "i'm disappointed in you" is probably one of the worst things you could ever say to me. it would sting the most. but i'm beginning to realize that people make mistakes. as much as i'd like to, i can't be there for everyone and do what's best for me at the same time. for as long as i can remember, i've never put myself first. but a wise man, by the name of bob kelso said it best: "who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? just look into your heart and do whatever the hell makes you happy." since i've never thought about what makes me happy, i've gotten into a jam with the whole major and career thing. as weird as it's going to be, i'm going to have to start putting myself first and doing what's best for me. otherwise, i'm terrified i'm going to be stuck right where i am, not progressing, and never being able to better myself as a person.