faith.

i thought i had lost it, but i guess it's still here. i had to defend my faith today and that made me realize this. boy, there's nothing like realizing it wasn't gone, only lying dormant within me. ok, so i'm not the perfect example. i don't pray or read the bible every day. i practically bask in sin. but, hey, it's a start. and i'm going to try harder to be better at doing what i have to do for this.

i used to think that part of being christian was having this huge life-altering moment of being saved. that's what everyone talks about in their personal testimonies, anyway. that could be what happens to some people, i suppose. but maybe, just maybe, it's also about being saved a little each day. maybe it's about waking up and remembering you have this wicked cool dad whose already done so much for you and whose gonna love you and forgive you, no matter what...all you have to do is ask and believe and try to do better next time.

i just, i can't understand atheism, y'know? this feeling is pretty amazing. why would someone purposefully shy away from that? why, in a world where everything seems to be going downhill would a person try to avoid a constant stream of hope?

hurt.

no one ever wants the person who hurt them to see how badly they've been hurt.
-ted, scrubs.


the truth behind these words astounds me.
i want the faith i used to have. i don't know when or how i lost it, but i want it back. my faith in god, in people, in myself. i'm really not sure what i'm living for anymore. life has just sort of become a habit.

drifting.

i wanna sing
while the ocean sleeps
i wanna feel
what it's like to be free.
i wanna see
what you see in me
i wanna know
how i feel severely.
i feel lost
somehow i'm drifting away
was almost gone
you brought me to life again.
so let me be your lighthouse
and i'll help you find a way out of here
i see the tide is coming
don't let it take you away from me.
-hope

i have no other words to say. this song describes it all perfectly.

madness.

bah. insomnia blows.

how do you kick someone out of your head? i've been asking politely, but apparently that's not working.


hm. i think i've gone mad.

alice: would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?
chesire cat: that depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
alice: i don't much care where.
chesire cat: then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
alice: ...so long as i get somewhere.
chesire cat: oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

chance.

then: white on black. black on white. leave shades of grey. falling into this dream. images flying past in my shades of grey. lay down lightly in the grass. you at my side, plucking at a guitar. i turn to say something. you're gone. the music plays on.

now: downward spiral. the peaceful field is gone. black swirls with my darkest shades of grey. the music is faint, but still there. look up. a bright light and i move toward it. the music stops and you're speaking, calling me back. but i'm so close to the warmth of the light. should i stay with what's known? am i brave enough to walk in the light and make my flaws known?



with every brush of our lips, comes a roll of the dice.

commitment.

commitment scares me. and i'm not just talking relationships, although those do terrify me as well. i have to declare a major by the end of this semester and i am scared to death of that. having to make this decision of what i want to do is a huge commitment. that's my future. i don't know if it's all about the determination of right and wrong. maybe i am scared to be wrong about myself. maybe what i'm really scared of is being wrong about a huge part of my life. perhaps the concept of wasting time is a big factor in it as well. if i change my mind after making a commitment, then did i not waste all that time i just spent on a different goal? and, like i said, if i was wrong about this huge aspect of my life, then has the time i've spent here on earth been a waste? what have i been doing that is so distracting i can't even begin fathom what would make me happy?

resolution.

i've come to the realization that i shouldn't be left alone with myself. for too long at least. i'm just not very good at being alone without becoming melancholy. and then i start feeling sorry for myself and the people who are forced to associate with me.

i've never much cared for new year's resolutions. i'm terrible at making them. i'm even worse at actually keeping them. but this year, i'm thinking to save myself i'm going to have to. you know how most masochistic people are assumed to be cutters? as in physically hurting themselves? yeah, i'm more of an emotional masochist. whenever i feel it's necessary, i do the equivalent of slitting my wrists with my ego/personality/whatever the hell it is. so new year's resolution?

no more.

no more emotional masochism. no more metaphorically slitting my soul. no more abusing my heart. it's time to get over myself and start being happy for once.