doubt.

i'm not looking for love. believe me, i don't think i could handle it if it were to pop up right now. but if i am going to be with someone, i'd like them to at least be able to say that they cared about me.

i was hanging out with taylor tonight and something terrible happened. i have no idea what it was, but all of a sudden i was completely overcome with the feeling that something really, really bad had happened. i couldn't shake the feeling no matter what i did. i tried deep breaths, i tried happy thoughts, but nothing. it was that feeling you get when you find out the worst has happened. when your stomach falls into this bottomless pit and you're unable to catch your breath. you're left feeling completely hopeless. and i have no reason as to why i felt this earlier. it just came on all of a sudden. so, i clutched on to taylor, hoping to find some comfort there.

seeing that i was visibly upset, he rolled me over and proceeded to give me a massage (something he knows cheers me up/puts me in a better mood). when he was done i looked over and said, "see, you do care." he questioned what i was talking about and i replied that he cared about me. he obviously saw that i was upset and did something to cheer me up, to change the way i was feeling. i explained to him that you don't do that unless you care about somebody. he said he did stuff like that all the time without caring about people. so i told him i wasn't leaving until he admitted that he cared about me. after about 5 or 6 minutes of silence, he finally goes, "ok, i guess i have some semblance of feelings for you that some people may consider 'caring.'"

and he didn't get why i was upset. he thought we were playing a game.

seriously? what the fuck.

i'm not asking for a pledge of undying love in front of the whole world here. i just want to know he cares. because if he doesn't (and maybe never will) why am i even in this relationship?