doubt.

i'm not looking for love. believe me, i don't think i could handle it if it were to pop up right now. but if i am going to be with someone, i'd like them to at least be able to say that they cared about me.

i was hanging out with taylor tonight and something terrible happened. i have no idea what it was, but all of a sudden i was completely overcome with the feeling that something really, really bad had happened. i couldn't shake the feeling no matter what i did. i tried deep breaths, i tried happy thoughts, but nothing. it was that feeling you get when you find out the worst has happened. when your stomach falls into this bottomless pit and you're unable to catch your breath. you're left feeling completely hopeless. and i have no reason as to why i felt this earlier. it just came on all of a sudden. so, i clutched on to taylor, hoping to find some comfort there.

seeing that i was visibly upset, he rolled me over and proceeded to give me a massage (something he knows cheers me up/puts me in a better mood). when he was done i looked over and said, "see, you do care." he questioned what i was talking about and i replied that he cared about me. he obviously saw that i was upset and did something to cheer me up, to change the way i was feeling. i explained to him that you don't do that unless you care about somebody. he said he did stuff like that all the time without caring about people. so i told him i wasn't leaving until he admitted that he cared about me. after about 5 or 6 minutes of silence, he finally goes, "ok, i guess i have some semblance of feelings for you that some people may consider 'caring.'"

and he didn't get why i was upset. he thought we were playing a game.

seriously? what the fuck.

i'm not asking for a pledge of undying love in front of the whole world here. i just want to know he cares. because if he doesn't (and maybe never will) why am i even in this relationship?

consciousness, pt. 7

the soundtrack to the hangover is funny. i mean, the movie is too, but some of the songs are really quite hilarious.

i feel like this particular series of blogs (the consciousness ones) start off with random thoughts but are really just me bullshitting until i get down to what i really want to say. and why is that? this is my blog. i should be able to say what i want to without having to beat my way around the bush first, right? you'd think that.

so, anyway, on to "what i really want to say." i'm finally on the side of the equation that the role of girlfriend is on. before i had seen this side of things, it would really, really bug me when girls i barely knew disliked me just because i was good friends with their boyfriends. i used to think they were petty and insecure because of it. now, i can't help but feel that way too. and i hate it. it's like this whole internal conflict going on because i know i can trust taylor (this weekend was evidence of that) and i know the entire single female population is not out to break us up. but for some reason i am just not able to think logically when these feelings pop up. blehhh.

understanding.

in every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along

i think this week may be the death of me.

i spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much
my silence is my self defense

my silence is both my strength and weakness. i've become good at keeping those i don't want out. but for some reason i can't figure out how to keep those people out yet still let the ones i want in.

and every time i've held a rose
it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes
and so will you soon i suppose

my biggest fear right now is getting left for someone more experienced, more interesting, someone with better luck than me.

but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break

i'm trying to let you in, believe me. i'm trying to tell you things. i just don't think you know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

and this is why my eyes are closed
it's just as well for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows

i'm really surprised you picked up on the way i close my eyes when i'm feeling particularly exposed. thanks for understanding that it's just something i have to do.

so i would choose to be with you
that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break

if i had had more than one to begin with, i'm positive i still would've chosen you. you made your decision also, though i can't figure out why. your answer when i asked you, believe it or not (cause i'm not sure why i do), actually did make me feel better, even though you weren't very clear in saying what you had to say. don't worry, i still understood.

and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows

-and so it goes, billy joel

routine.

i don't feel as out of control anymore. i think it's because i'm finally getting back into a steady routine, as opposed to the wacky out-there schedule my life has been for the past couple of weeks. i dropped spanish. i'm ok with taking 18 hours next semester. i've got a schedule planned out i'm positive i can make myself follow. in the meantime, i've started going back to classes regularly and have been doing the homework for them outside of class. and not right before class, either. i actually take time and prepare for them. crazy, isn't it?

but, i am still very ready for next semester. monica's coming back and i'll be living with her again. i didn't realize how right for me that was until this semester when she was gone. with any luck, we'll be in the same dorm as taylor. and, as weird as this is going to sound, i think it'll make it easier to not spend the night with him as much. this way, even if it is like 3AM when i'm ready to go to sleep, i'll just go right down the hall/up the stairs to my room, instead of having to walk across campus (the main reason i've been spending most nights with him). it's not that i don't like spending the night with him. believe me, i've learned that i like sleeping with someone else wayyy better than sleeping alone, but i think it would be better for me to concentrate on school (and refrain from becoming clingy) if i slept in my own bed the majority of the week.

well, there's only a month and a half left in this semester (including thanksgiving break, study day, and exams), so hopefully those days will fly by like the rest of this semester already has. i've been thinking a lot about how much fun christmas break is going to be. i'm going to make more out of it than i did last year. i'm really glad taylor doesn't live that far away, too. fall break was bad enough and that was just going 3 days without seeing him. it's weird how so "not my type" taylor is. but, then again, i've never had a boyfriend before so i don't know if i even have a type. regardless, the guys i usually fall for have the same things in common...but taylor's different from all of them, in a lot of different ways. and i feel this is a good thing. my friend says he thinks i can do better, and maybe that's true. but i don't want to. right now i only want to be with taylor. and i can honestly say that i have never felt like that about someone before.

huh. this is turning out to be a better week than i thought it would.

control.

i feel like my academic life is spiraling out of control.

i've had to drop two classes, bringing me down to 12 hours and i'm failing another class. in the class i'm failing, the professor has told me that she doesn't think i'll be able to pass, but i should come meet with her anyway. at this rate, i'll only carry over 9 hours to next semester, which will not help with the whole "graduating on time" thing.

uhhh.

last week i was seriously contemplating whether or not i even want to be in college. i guess i still am, now. i feel like the only reason i'm here is just to get a degree and then move on with my life. the problem is, i'm getting a degree and have no idea what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, so what's the point of the degree?

maybe if i could find something i was passionate about and focus on that things wouldn't look so bleak. i just can't figure out what that thing could possibly be.