therapeutic.

grades, family, boys, depression, friends, money, the future.

all are things i'm dealing very poorly with right now. the last time i made a list like this where i wrote out what i was feeling about each topic, it was very therapeutic. so, we'll give it a shot again.

grades-i am currently in two classes designed to get you only as high as a c. my gpa and scholarships can not take that blow. and the ones that i can very easily get an a in, i'm slacking off in because of these other two classes. not that i'm even giving 100% into those two, anyway. you would think with my realization of all this, i would change my habits, but sadly i have not. and i have no idea when those habits actually will change.

family- 1) i have an amazing family. i know this. yet, for some reason, whenever i go home i treat them like shit. my dad, mostly. and i have no idea why. it makes me feel like a total bitch, which i hate. i just don't know how to fix this problem. 2) i love my little sister to death and she's been going through a lot of bad stuff this year, especially all the crap she's been taking from her friends and ex-boyfriend. and mom and dad aren't helping out too much. i'm just trying to be there for her as much as i can, but it's hard to being so far away all the time. i really worry about her sometimes.

boys-we'll just generalize here, since i'm sure i've done this whole shpiel before. i have never been in a relationship before, but i want one so bad right now for some reason. i have no idea why, because i doubt i could really handle one with all the stuff on my plate as it is. regardless, i'd like a boyfriend. the problem is, i can't seem to find someone who feels the same way i do about me as i do about them and is willing to do something about it. i can't tell you how many times i've heard "i like you, but i'm not ready for a relationship now." or "i'm attracted to you and could like you, but i don't want to lead you on." it's total bullshit. obviously, you don't like me that way so don't say things like that. be straightforward and say "you're my friend. and that's probably all we're ever going to be." sure, it may sting a little at first, but i'm a big girl. it's so much easier to get over that than those vague little excuses.

depression-i never thought i'd have to work so hard to be happy. i just really don't want what happened last year to happen this year. last year i got so far into depression that i literally felt nothing all the time. so, i started cutting. it was a really stupid idea, but i didn't want to get help from anyone. i didn't want people knowing how fucked up my mind truly was. and what really sucks is last year, i had so many more people around who cared that i could have actually talked to about it, who would have been there for me. now, that number of people has dwindled dramatically (because of one reason or another) and i feel like if something like what happened last year were to happen again, i really might not have anybody to turn to.

friends-i love all of my friends to death. but it's getting really, really hard to like them all the time. i feel terrible about myself when things like this happen, but i tend to go through mini-stages where i don't like one of my friends and it annoys me to hang out with them. i absolutely hate this stage, but it always inevitably happens at one point or another. this makes me feel like i'm a bad friend. shouldn't i always want to be around them and miss them whenever i'm away from them for an extended period of time?

money-this one doesn't really need that much of an explanation, just that my money is slowly draining out of my savings account because i'm not putting any back in. it's not a good habit to have right now.

the future-this one doesn't need that much of an explanation, either. i would just like to point out the fact that i'm not really sure what i want to do when i get out of college. and i'm beginning to realize that this is going to happen sooner than i think, and i really need to get my head on straight. i really don't want to be one of those people who moves in back home after they've graduated college. i'd like to have a job lined up and be able to stand on my own.