endings.

my little cousin (who's about 5 now) asked me recently, "kathryne, all stories have happy endings, right?"

my thoughts: "ok. really big lie coming up, but i can't take away the faith he has that everything will be ok in the end."
my words: "of course, jack."

now i can't help but think that what i said isn't a lie. i've come to realize that things may not end up the way you want them to. in fact, things can get downright shitty. but that's not the end. the end is the resolution you come to when you realize things are going to get better, because every ending also comes with a beginning, a fresh start. and, for me, the feeling of hope that comes with realizing that things are going to be better outweighs any bad thing that may have just occurred. hope is what has kept me going and hope is what makes sure i always have a happy ending.

aspiration

i wanna be able to do stuff like this:





possible career choice: photographer?

nostalgia.

i miss this.





salkehatchie countdown: 170 days

pessimism.

i suppose sometimes it only takes a brisk walk with some good music to feel better. of course, i've been having these ups and downs for years, so it's probably only a matter of time before i feel worse again.

yeah, kathryne. that's the spirit.


well, heaven's not a place that you go when you die.
it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
so live for the moment.
and take this advice, live by every word,
love's completely real,
so forget anything that you have heard,
and live for the moment now.

still.

i don't feel alive anymore. i just feel like i'm taking up space while life continues to go on around me. i go through day to day motions, react to people, and sometimes throw in my own two cents, but it's like i'm on autopilot. i don't feel in control, yet i don't feel the rush of being out of control. sometimes i don't even feel like my life's worth living anymore.


woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
i thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that i said i'd do
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
i just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on

i let the day go by
i always say goodbye
i watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head
i lay motionless in bed
the night is here and the day is gone
and the world spins madly on

i thought of you and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

tired.

i'm tired of not knowing what i want.
i'm tired of the ups and downs i go through on a daily basis.
i'm tired of feeling alone.
i'm tired of seeing everyone around me happily in relationships.
i'm tired of feeling one way when it would be better for me to feel another.
i'm tired of thinking about death.
i'm tired of letting kisses fool me.
i'm tired of hooking up with guys and them not being able to look me in the eye later.
i'm tired of hearing 'don't get your hopes up again.'
i'm tired of feeling like the third wheel.
i'm tired of having to have alcohol to be able to say what i want to.
i'm tired of south carolina.
i'm tired of leading a monotonous life.
i'm tired of being broken.
i'm tired of not being able to be fixed.


i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me,
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now.
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...
cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

falling.

i'm tired of people yelling and secretly hating each other. loud curses don't go unheard through these paper thin walls. i have a headache from the stuffiness of this place. anger and tears are getting to be too much to bear. i'm tired of hours later, after a few drinks, pretending like nothing went wrong and everything's alright. i'm ready to leave. i'm ready to go back home...that campus is more home to me than this house ever was.


i fell for you
i fell for you
why?
i guess i wanted to play too.