(and repetitive. just to warn you)
I'm tired of constantly feeling jealous of this one person and
I'm tired of the fact that I can't make myself stop being jealous.
I'm tired of being single but also
I'm tired of rejecting guys I'm just flat out not interested in. And
I'm tired of the ones I am interested in rejecting me.
I'm tired of this sickening feeling that I won't cut it this year.
I'm tired of having to be good enough and
I'm tired of the idea of losing precious money for school when I'm not.
I'm tired of school but I know in about a month or so
I'll be tired of summer too.
I'm tired of not having anything to do and
I'm tired of finding new ways to tell people I'm too busy to hang out.
I'm tired of being confusing and
I'm tired of being confused.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
back again.
I don't know what to do with this blog. I love it, I just never find my way over here.
Also, I'm worried that the person who gave me all that shit on formspring about this blog didn't forget about it in my hiatus. I'm reluctant as to what to say and feel I need to over explain things and that's not how I should feel on my own blog.
But I'm keeping it.
It's just gonna take baby steps to get back into the habit of it.
Also, I'm worried that the person who gave me all that shit on formspring about this blog didn't forget about it in my hiatus. I'm reluctant as to what to say and feel I need to over explain things and that's not how I should feel on my own blog.
But I'm keeping it.
It's just gonna take baby steps to get back into the habit of it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
cutting ties.
So I finally told Taylor Friday night/Saturday morning that I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I was drunk and it was via text so I don't think he thought I was being serious but I have to stick to it this time. And I feel like I'll be okay sticking with it this time. (Plus, sober me the next day didn't want to text him again and say I made a mistake because I was drunk.)
Anyway, this has been a long time coming and Friday night really sealed the deal (clearly). Here's a few reasons why just so I can clear my head of thinking about all of this shit:
1. We're supposed to be friends. For a while, we were. We were friends first, friends with benefits second. Lately though, it's just about the benefits. We couldn't even watch a Dexter's Lab marathon without him wanting to pause it and fool around. And we can't hang out unless there's the guarantee that we're going to hook up. Long story short, I've become a hook-up/booty call/whatever and I'm tired of it.
2. I've been putting wayyy more into this friendship than he has. I thought of him as one of my best friends, while it seemed he couldn't care less if I was still in his life or not. Well, congratulations buddy. You got your wish.
3. He treats the people who refuse to stay in his life better than those who try to be his friend and stay close to him (which will all be reflected a little better in the following reasons).
(and the few straws that broke the camel's back on Friday)
4. Taylor has known since before we were dating that I don't like his other ex. It has nothing to do with him, since I knew her before I knew him. When we were dating, he would say things like how annoying she was in the relationship and how his friends didn't really like her and even had a full on bashing of her with a friend of mine who also knows her and thought I would want to join in. Friday night she came up and he swooped in defending her, calling her a great girl (among other things which will come up in #5). He said that she had taken him in over the summer when he didn't have a place to live with the connotation that had anyone in the room been living in Rock Hill at that point in time, we would have turned him away. And just the fact that he went through all of this with me standing there (knowing I know full well what he's said about her) makes me wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. It makes me wonder what horrible things he'll say about me to his next girlfriend, while we were supposed to be friends this whole time.
5. While defending his ex he said, "I wish I had never broken up with her." Which sounds a lot like: "I wish I had never broken up with her, therefore never had to have any relationship I've had since her." I'm the only relationship he's had since her. He also, when we were dating, said something to the fact that she was trying to get him back (even though she had a boyfriend at the time) and that she didn't like the fact that we were dating. After hearing him say that on Friday, I can't help but wonder if that was true or if that was him projecting what he was feeling out on her, hoping she felt it too.
6. Clearly, his other ex was, is, and always will be more important to him than I am. So I'm going to step out of his life and let him deal with that. It'll be much easier for him without me in his life muddling those feelings up.
Anyway, this has been a long time coming and Friday night really sealed the deal (clearly). Here's a few reasons why just so I can clear my head of thinking about all of this shit:
1. We're supposed to be friends. For a while, we were. We were friends first, friends with benefits second. Lately though, it's just about the benefits. We couldn't even watch a Dexter's Lab marathon without him wanting to pause it and fool around. And we can't hang out unless there's the guarantee that we're going to hook up. Long story short, I've become a hook-up/booty call/whatever and I'm tired of it.
2. I've been putting wayyy more into this friendship than he has. I thought of him as one of my best friends, while it seemed he couldn't care less if I was still in his life or not. Well, congratulations buddy. You got your wish.
3. He treats the people who refuse to stay in his life better than those who try to be his friend and stay close to him (which will all be reflected a little better in the following reasons).
(and the few straws that broke the camel's back on Friday)
4. Taylor has known since before we were dating that I don't like his other ex. It has nothing to do with him, since I knew her before I knew him. When we were dating, he would say things like how annoying she was in the relationship and how his friends didn't really like her and even had a full on bashing of her with a friend of mine who also knows her and thought I would want to join in. Friday night she came up and he swooped in defending her, calling her a great girl (among other things which will come up in #5). He said that she had taken him in over the summer when he didn't have a place to live with the connotation that had anyone in the room been living in Rock Hill at that point in time, we would have turned him away. And just the fact that he went through all of this with me standing there (knowing I know full well what he's said about her) makes me wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. It makes me wonder what horrible things he'll say about me to his next girlfriend, while we were supposed to be friends this whole time.
5. While defending his ex he said, "I wish I had never broken up with her." Which sounds a lot like: "I wish I had never broken up with her, therefore never had to have any relationship I've had since her." I'm the only relationship he's had since her. He also, when we were dating, said something to the fact that she was trying to get him back (even though she had a boyfriend at the time) and that she didn't like the fact that we were dating. After hearing him say that on Friday, I can't help but wonder if that was true or if that was him projecting what he was feeling out on her, hoping she felt it too.
6. Clearly, his other ex was, is, and always will be more important to him than I am. So I'm going to step out of his life and let him deal with that. It'll be much easier for him without me in his life muddling those feelings up.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I hate it here.
I don't like being back home.
All I do is sit around the house all day, on the computer or watching tv while my mom, dad, and sister are at work. THEN when they do get home, my sister goes out with her friends and I'm left to watch more tv with my mom and dad. And when they go to bed at like 10, I just sit on the computer all night. Every day, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing and that all my time has just been a complete waste.
And all throughout the day, I've barely said 3 complete sentences. Why? Because I have no. one. to. talk. to.
None of my friends ever want to hang out, nor do they have the time to apparently and I'm always too lethargic to drive anywhere to see someone from school.
And my parents wonder why I don't want to come back home next summer.
I hate it here.
All I do is sit around the house all day, on the computer or watching tv while my mom, dad, and sister are at work. THEN when they do get home, my sister goes out with her friends and I'm left to watch more tv with my mom and dad. And when they go to bed at like 10, I just sit on the computer all night. Every day, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing and that all my time has just been a complete waste.
And all throughout the day, I've barely said 3 complete sentences. Why? Because I have no. one. to. talk. to.
None of my friends ever want to hang out, nor do they have the time to apparently and I'm always too lethargic to drive anywhere to see someone from school.
And my parents wonder why I don't want to come back home next summer.
I hate it here.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
getting prepared for 2011.
Winter break resolutions -
(or, resolutions that should be started as soon as possible and will probably be finished by the time I return to school)
- This break is all about debriefing and relaxing. I need to get my head back on straight and find out who it is I really want to be from now on.
- Hang out with my friends from back home as much as possible (starting tomorrow). Face it, we're all pretty flaky with plans, but I'm determined. Especially since I won't be here for our traditional New Year's at Ally's. :/
- Help out around the house more. Being lazy and unproductive these past couple days has led to nothing but bad things for me on a mental and physical level. Forreal. I was almost excited when Dad asked me to rake the yard just so I'd have something to do.
- Start building a better relationship with my parents.
- Try to build a new style around the new look I'll be sporting after next Thursday and finally sell some of the old clothes and things I've been holding on to that don't fit whatever new style I go with. This Kat re-modeling thing isn't just going to be "on the inside" changes. I feel like it'll be easier to become who I want to be if I'm not holding on to all of my old things.
- Watch as many things I have in my Netflix instant queue as I can before I return to the internet-less apartment.
- Reread the Gossip Girl series. It's the one thing I consider to be a guilty pleasure and I've been watching the show a lot recently, so much so that I've forgotten the original story and what got me hooked on it in the first place.
- To sum up: BE PROACTIVE.
School resolutions -
(or, what I'm going to have to do next semester and for the remainder of my college career)
- Don't skimp through my homework. Legitimately take time out to do it and to study. I need to stop relying on luck to get me through these classes. Also, I need a more stable GPA and study habits.
- Finish the two stories I started in fiction writing this semester. I half-assed my way through that class when it could have, could have genuinely helped me. And I need to finish what I started.
- Put more effort into my art projects. I don't think I've been taking it as seriously because it's only my minor, but I shouldn't view it that way. Plus, if I can do as well as I did in my drawing class this past semester by just putting in the minimum amount of work on all my pieces, imagine what I could do if I worked over time.
Relationship resolutions -
- Find another boyfriend. I'm tired of being single.
- Ditch the guys who look like they'll be an "almost" as soon as possible. I'm sick of almost-boyfriends. That's all I've ever had (with one exception, I suppose) and they're nothing more than a nuisance.
New Year's resolutions -
(or, resolutions that will result in a more gradual change and should stick with me through 2011 and longer)
- Get back in shape. Take advantage of the West Center. Do yoga every day. Get those endorphins kicking.
- Just like what George did in that one episode of Seinfeld, everything that would be my basic, safe instinct to normally do, I'll do the opposite of and see how that works out for me. Chances are I'll experience new things, be more spontaneous, be more outgoing, start to develop some of the qualities I see in the people around me that I admire that I was always too hesitant to pursue.
- Stop allowing people to walk all over me and take advantage of me. I used to see it as just being laid back and I'll still hold on to that to some degree. But there's a line between being indifferent about something and passing up doing something I want because it might not be what everyone else wants. It's time to grow some balls and see that not everyone is going to pleased by my decisions all the time, but that I need to make sure that I am happy with my choices.
- Similar to the previous one, stop giving so many people so many second chances. At one point or another, enough is enough. I've let too many of those moments just go on by and continued handing out chances.
- Quit relying on others to make myself happy and quit trying to make others happy in order to make myself happy. Focus on making myself happy, be a little more selfish in that respect.
- Not let things upset me that shouldn't, especially things regarding other people. Everyone I meet is not going to go out of their way to make me happy. It's up to me to do that.
- To sum up: BE HAPPY.
New mantra -
(or, looking at the Diesel ads on my wall and taking inspiration from them to go about my day)
- Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart.
- Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.
- Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls.
- Smart may have the answers, but stupid has all the interesting questions.
- Smart says no, stupid says yes.
- Smart critiques, stupid creates.
- Smart sees what there is, stupid sees what could be there.
- Smart had one good idea and that was stupid.
- To sum up: BE STUPID.
(or, resolutions that should be started as soon as possible and will probably be finished by the time I return to school)
- This break is all about debriefing and relaxing. I need to get my head back on straight and find out who it is I really want to be from now on.
- Hang out with my friends from back home as much as possible (starting tomorrow). Face it, we're all pretty flaky with plans, but I'm determined. Especially since I won't be here for our traditional New Year's at Ally's. :/
- Help out around the house more. Being lazy and unproductive these past couple days has led to nothing but bad things for me on a mental and physical level. Forreal. I was almost excited when Dad asked me to rake the yard just so I'd have something to do.
- Start building a better relationship with my parents.
- Try to build a new style around the new look I'll be sporting after next Thursday and finally sell some of the old clothes and things I've been holding on to that don't fit whatever new style I go with. This Kat re-modeling thing isn't just going to be "on the inside" changes. I feel like it'll be easier to become who I want to be if I'm not holding on to all of my old things.
- Watch as many things I have in my Netflix instant queue as I can before I return to the internet-less apartment.
- Reread the Gossip Girl series. It's the one thing I consider to be a guilty pleasure and I've been watching the show a lot recently, so much so that I've forgotten the original story and what got me hooked on it in the first place.
- To sum up: BE PROACTIVE.
School resolutions -
(or, what I'm going to have to do next semester and for the remainder of my college career)
- Don't skimp through my homework. Legitimately take time out to do it and to study. I need to stop relying on luck to get me through these classes. Also, I need a more stable GPA and study habits.
- Finish the two stories I started in fiction writing this semester. I half-assed my way through that class when it could have, could have genuinely helped me. And I need to finish what I started.
- Put more effort into my art projects. I don't think I've been taking it as seriously because it's only my minor, but I shouldn't view it that way. Plus, if I can do as well as I did in my drawing class this past semester by just putting in the minimum amount of work on all my pieces, imagine what I could do if I worked over time.
Relationship resolutions -
- Find another boyfriend. I'm tired of being single.
- Ditch the guys who look like they'll be an "almost" as soon as possible. I'm sick of almost-boyfriends. That's all I've ever had (with one exception, I suppose) and they're nothing more than a nuisance.
New Year's resolutions -
(or, resolutions that will result in a more gradual change and should stick with me through 2011 and longer)
- Get back in shape. Take advantage of the West Center. Do yoga every day. Get those endorphins kicking.
- Just like what George did in that one episode of Seinfeld, everything that would be my basic, safe instinct to normally do, I'll do the opposite of and see how that works out for me. Chances are I'll experience new things, be more spontaneous, be more outgoing, start to develop some of the qualities I see in the people around me that I admire that I was always too hesitant to pursue.
- Stop allowing people to walk all over me and take advantage of me. I used to see it as just being laid back and I'll still hold on to that to some degree. But there's a line between being indifferent about something and passing up doing something I want because it might not be what everyone else wants. It's time to grow some balls and see that not everyone is going to pleased by my decisions all the time, but that I need to make sure that I am happy with my choices.
- Similar to the previous one, stop giving so many people so many second chances. At one point or another, enough is enough. I've let too many of those moments just go on by and continued handing out chances.
- Quit relying on others to make myself happy and quit trying to make others happy in order to make myself happy. Focus on making myself happy, be a little more selfish in that respect.
- Not let things upset me that shouldn't, especially things regarding other people. Everyone I meet is not going to go out of their way to make me happy. It's up to me to do that.
- To sum up: BE HAPPY.
New mantra -
(or, looking at the Diesel ads on my wall and taking inspiration from them to go about my day)
- Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart.
- Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.
- Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls.
- Smart may have the answers, but stupid has all the interesting questions.
- Smart says no, stupid says yes.
- Smart critiques, stupid creates.
- Smart sees what there is, stupid sees what could be there.
- Smart had one good idea and that was stupid.
- To sum up: BE STUPID.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
realizations.
i don't like myself. i don't like who i am. i'm not really sure who i used to be and i have no idea who i do want to become. so i guess this new year is going to be all about finding out who the "new me" will be.
the only problem with "new" people, though, is that they're still the old person. and eventually, the old person's going to take back over. because, honestly, old habits die hard. and i've tried "reinventing" myself before, but look at where that's gotten me. but i suppose if i don't like who i am and i never change that, i'll never really be happy. and isn't that the point of it all?
side note.
i didn't stop with taylor. (taylor being ****** in the last post. clever, i know). of course i didn't. i'll never be the one to initiate the end of whatever this is. unless the new me i'm going to try to be is someone who does disrupt the status quo.
but on the way home, i made another realization concerning this. taylor has really become one of my best friends. i don't know how it happened. i don't know if it should have happened. i don't know if i sound odd and clingy making that statement. (god i hope not). regardless, he has. and i just know it's only a matter of time before another girl comes along and he starts dating someone new. and i know she won't want me hanging around. what new girlfriend wants the ex there?
so i guess the reason i'm not disrupting anything is because i know things aren't going to be like this forever. probably not even for much longer. but i don't want to be the one to mess them up when i've become so attached (as a friend). i'd rather it come to an end naturally. unfortunately, in all my internal back and forth-ness on the subject, he's noticed something different.
maybe new kathryne will be more like old kathryne in this particular scenario once she gets her head on straight.
the only problem with "new" people, though, is that they're still the old person. and eventually, the old person's going to take back over. because, honestly, old habits die hard. and i've tried "reinventing" myself before, but look at where that's gotten me. but i suppose if i don't like who i am and i never change that, i'll never really be happy. and isn't that the point of it all?
side note.
i didn't stop with taylor. (taylor being ****** in the last post. clever, i know). of course i didn't. i'll never be the one to initiate the end of whatever this is. unless the new me i'm going to try to be is someone who does disrupt the status quo.
but on the way home, i made another realization concerning this. taylor has really become one of my best friends. i don't know how it happened. i don't know if it should have happened. i don't know if i sound odd and clingy making that statement. (god i hope not). regardless, he has. and i just know it's only a matter of time before another girl comes along and he starts dating someone new. and i know she won't want me hanging around. what new girlfriend wants the ex there?
so i guess the reason i'm not disrupting anything is because i know things aren't going to be like this forever. probably not even for much longer. but i don't want to be the one to mess them up when i've become so attached (as a friend). i'd rather it come to an end naturally. unfortunately, in all my internal back and forth-ness on the subject, he's noticed something different.
maybe new kathryne will be more like old kathryne in this particular scenario once she gets her head on straight.
Friday, December 3, 2010
****** ****
****** doesn't want me anymore.
**** wants/wanted me but won't follow through with it.
i don't want to be with ****** anymore, but i do want to be with ****. so i think i need to break off whatever this friends+benefits thing is with ****** because i don't think i can keep doing it now that i've finally admitted to myself i still want to be with ****.
of course we all know i won't. i've said i was gonna cut this out too many times and not to be trustworthy in this statement.
but i have to this time.
i'll take a leaf out of casey cartwright's (from greek) book and just be by myself for a while.
**** wants/wanted me but won't follow through with it.
i don't want to be with ****** anymore, but i do want to be with ****. so i think i need to break off whatever this friends+benefits thing is with ****** because i don't think i can keep doing it now that i've finally admitted to myself i still want to be with ****.
of course we all know i won't. i've said i was gonna cut this out too many times and not to be trustworthy in this statement.
but i have to this time.
i'll take a leaf out of casey cartwright's (from greek) book and just be by myself for a while.
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