realizations.

i don't like myself. i don't like who i am. i'm not really sure who i used to be and i have no idea who i do want to become. so i guess this new year is going to be all about finding out who the "new me" will be.

the only problem with "new" people, though, is that they're still the old person. and eventually, the old person's going to take back over. because, honestly, old habits die hard. and i've tried "reinventing" myself before, but look at where that's gotten me. but i suppose if i don't like who i am and i never change that, i'll never really be happy. and isn't that the point of it all?




side note.
i didn't stop with taylor. (taylor being ****** in the last post. clever, i know). of course i didn't. i'll never be the one to initiate the end of whatever this is. unless the new me i'm going to try to be is someone who does disrupt the status quo.

but on the way home, i made another realization concerning this. taylor has really become one of my best friends. i don't know how it happened. i don't know if it should have happened. i don't know if i sound odd and clingy making that statement. (god i hope not). regardless, he has. and i just know it's only a matter of time before another girl comes along and he starts dating someone new. and i know she won't want me hanging around. what new girlfriend wants the ex there?

so i guess the reason i'm not disrupting anything is because i know things aren't going to be like this forever. probably not even for much longer. but i don't want to be the one to mess them up when i've become so attached (as a friend). i'd rather it come to an end naturally. unfortunately, in all my internal back and forth-ness on the subject, he's noticed something different.

maybe new kathryne will be more like old kathryne in this particular scenario once she gets her head on straight.