dearest palmer ray,

(he's never on here anymore so I feel safe using a real name this time)
(also, I feel safe in the fact that he wouldn't judge me for what I'm about to say if he were to stumble across this)
(he may think I'm crazy(ier) for this but, let's be honest, who doesn't?)

Palmer Ray,

Now that all of the disclaimers are out of the way, in my downtime at work I was rereading your blog* and came to the "holy wow" realization of my school girl crush on you my freshman year at Winthrop. I idolized you before I even really knew you; I placed you on my very own pedestal. And then I got to know you and your "dark side." -By dark side, I don't mean your evil side. I mean your not-so-perfect side, the side you tried to keep hidden from most people.- After seeing that, if it's possible, I liked you even more. In all my delusions, I thought we were going somewhere. I didn't understand what you meant when you said that "now is not a good time for anything to happen." I held on to my delusions and kept thinking that a few months down the road, "now" would be over and things would be okay. But that never happened. I was so angry with you for "leading me on" (18-year-old me's words, not mine today). I had no idea that the boy I put on the pedestal had more shit to deal with than I was led to believe.

Over the summer, with torch for you still lit, I decided to put all of that behind me. And it worked. That fall, I got my first boyfriend (a role I, silly enough, thought you were going to fill) who you didn't like. A couple nights before we ended up breaking up, you told me I could do much, much better. I didn't want to believe you. I always thought that was something people said when they were talking about themselves and I really didn't want to go down that road again. But a couple weeks later, when I was still hurting, you were there for me. It wasn't what I expected but you need to know that, to me, it was beautiful just waking up next to you. I truly meant it when I told you that all I wanted was to fall asleep next to someone and I can't imagine a better person for me at that point in time. I wasn't delusional enough at that point to think that night was going to lead to anything more than what it was. You were a friend who was there for me and I can't thank you enough for that.

After that, I moved back home for the summer and you moved out of Rock Hill for good. As with what usually happens in those cases, I saw you less than I already did. In your absence, I attempted some soul searching and came to the conclusion that there are three guys who have come into my life that I will always hold a torch for and you are one of them. (This is the blog post about that: you're "ray" in my version. Clever, I know). You are and continue to be one of the most amazing people it's ever been my pleasure to meet. I love it when you share your music with me; I love the hugs I get from you when I do see you; and I love hanging out with you when it's possible. I do want to come down and visit you sometime over the summer because seeing you only once a year just isn't going to cut it anymore. You're a great guy and I hope to god you're finding your way to happiness.

All my love,
Kat


*SIDE NOTE: Just to slightly defend my sanity; Blogger is one of the few sites I'm allowed to access on work computers, so I was musing around and realized I still had some things to say. This is all kind of raw and spur of the moment.