pedestal.

3/30/2010, from the journal:
"i feel like i should feel slightly special, victorious even."
and later...
"so, my problem: why do i still feel threatened by people like r_____ and s________?"

because i should. i'm confused. i'm stupid. i don't know anything about anything. and realizing that makes me more ashamed than anything i've done recently that should leave me completely ashamed of myself. i put myself on a pedestal. i convinced myself that i was more important to someone than i could ever hope to be. and tonight, i knocked myself off that pedestal by reading something i'm sure the person who wrote it didn't think i'd see. i've been put in my place, and i think it's time for me to back out quietly.

the things i thought might happen again are never going to and i'm only kidding myself by continuing whatever this is that i've been trying desperately to hold on to.

even so, i'm not ready to open my heart up to someone new anytime soon. if i put myself on a pedestal, i put my heart on an even higher one. i've yet to meet someone who has guarded their heart as much as i have; i went 19 years keeping it to myself. finally, i got up the courage to take a leap, albeit a small one. i picked the safe leap, the one (at the time) i knew was a sure thing. but i got too sure of myself, too sure of him. i gave too much of myself to one person. i don't think i did it too quickly, it was more of a gradual thing, which is probably why i didn't realize it was happening until it was all taken away.

at any rate, this was my fault. i've learned the dangers of the pedestal. so no more leaps, safe or otherwise. not for a while, at least. i need to be on my own again. things worked out better for me that way.